funny shit in here 
Funny
- Thread starter Lick
- Start date
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied:
One sec...
'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied:
One sec...
'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
Confucius Say
Best way to cure water on the brain is with a tap on the head.
Confucius Say
A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic
Confucius Say
Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.
Confucius Say
A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.
Confucius Say
Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap.
Confucius Say
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.
Confucius Say
If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.
Confucius Say
Virgin like balloon...one prick, all gone.
Confucius Say
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
Confucius Say
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Best way to cure water on the brain is with a tap on the head.
Confucius Say
A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic
Confucius Say
Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.
Confucius Say
A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.
Confucius Say
Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap.
Confucius Say
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.
Confucius Say
If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.
Confucius Say
Virgin like balloon...one prick, all gone.
Confucius Say
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
Confucius Say
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Come And Take Your Wife
I have just come from a Lori party of my brothers son. And I am happy (not drunk).
I received the attatched "E" mail if this apply to you please comply otherwise do ignore it
Good luck
URGENT !!!!
Whoever left his wife at my place after last night's BBQ is asked to come and get her ASAP !..
It's not that she is a problem, but mine is coming back tonight!.
Cheers,
I have just come from a Lori party of my brothers son. And I am happy (not drunk).
I received the attatched "E" mail if this apply to you please comply otherwise do ignore it
Good luck
URGENT !!!!
Whoever left his wife at my place after last night's BBQ is asked to come and get her ASAP !..
It's not that she is a problem, but mine is coming back tonight!.
Cheers,
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"'Good," she replied, "Get your own fucking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"'Good," she replied, "Get your own fucking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
Confucius Say
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
Confucius Say
You know you are a geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
Confucius Say
Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.
Confucius Say
Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they're all over you.
Confucius Say
Couple who cross LSD with birth control pills, get a trip without the kids.
Confucius Say
To circumcise a whale, send down four skin divers.
Confucius Say
An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque
Confucius Say
The opening in the front of your boxer shorts is called the "Circumvent".
Confucius Say
A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.
Confucius Say
Never tell a secret to a pig, it may squeal.
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
Confucius Say
You know you are a geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
Confucius Say
Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.
Confucius Say
Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they're all over you.
Confucius Say
Couple who cross LSD with birth control pills, get a trip without the kids.
Confucius Say
To circumcise a whale, send down four skin divers.
Confucius Say
An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque
Confucius Say
The opening in the front of your boxer shorts is called the "Circumvent".
Confucius Say
A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.
Confucius Say
Never tell a secret to a pig, it may squeal.
Bad day at Hallmark
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time .
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......
Son of a bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
Bad day at Hallmark
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time .
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.'
The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled, 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied,'
'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!'
Confucius Say
Man who give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will "Abdicate".
Confucius Say
Man who is impotent will have Willy-nilly.
Confucius Say
Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent"
Confucius Say
When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.
Confucius Say
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Confucius Say
Gay man in Chinese restaurant will order "sum yung guy".
Confucius Say
The difference between pink and purple, is your grip.
Confucius Say
The worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary is morning sickness.
Confucius Say
Rudolph was grounded after his dad saw his report card because he went down in history.
Confucius Say
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a rise.
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy..." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
"Didn't feel a thing."
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy..." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
"Didn't feel a thing."
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with a non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
a 9 on this list
And finally
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
a 9 on this list
And finally
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Hymn #365
This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river ."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing:
"Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'. "
Smile people, life is too short not to!
See you at the river
The Best Smart Ass Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER
OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER
OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
Confucius say...
"Man who live in glass house should change in basement."
Confucius say...
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
Confucius say...
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
Confucius say...
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
Confucius say...
"Man who sleep in cat house by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
Confucius say...
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
Confucius say...
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
Confucius say...
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
Confucius say...
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
Confucius say...
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem
wake up with solution in hand"
Blonde Joke
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Another one...
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy
efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't
paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR
these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy
efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't
paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR
these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Another one...
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy
efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't
paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR
these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Here is old age at its best:
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels, and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it, and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Sam approached the park and lo and behold,
there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him,
and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam.
What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop, where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges
against me, and at 89 years old, I was
so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty.'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels, and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it, and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Sam approached the park and lo and behold,
there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him,
and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam.
What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop, where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges
against me, and at 89 years old, I was
so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty.'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Confucius Say
A kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say
Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
Confucius Say
12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year.
Confucius Say
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter is Eskimo Pi
Confucius Say
Women and rocks are very much alike. We skip the flat ones.
Confucius Say
Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.
Confucius Say
Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot.
Confucius Say
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Confucius Say
People are like teabags - you don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.
Confucius Say
Pedophiles love Halloween because of "Free home delivery".
Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day.
When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target.
All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."
When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target.
All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."
Confucius Say
One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.
Confucius Say
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
Confucius Say
If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.
Confucius Say
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
Confucius Say
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,
anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Confucius Say
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is not happiness without action."
Confucius say:
Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily plumber.
Confucius Say
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.
Confucius Say
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
Confucius Say
The white powder found on your penis after a blind date is called Handthrax
One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.
Confucius Say
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
Confucius Say
If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.
Confucius Say
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
Confucius Say
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,
anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Confucius Say
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is not happiness without action."
Confucius say:
Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily plumber.
Confucius Say
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.
Confucius Say
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
Confucius Say
The white powder found on your penis after a blind date is called Handthrax
Confucius Say
The best way to get a woman to argue with you, is to say something.
Confucius Say
It's not what you wear, it's how you take it off.
Confucius Say
Taliban's national bird is "duck"
Confucius Say
Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone, both look out window and see Rubble
Confucius Say
An Impotent Loser is one who can't even get his hopes up.
Confucius Say
"Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy.Ask waitress for application."
Confucius Say
"Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck."
Confucius Say
Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan."
Confucius Say
Gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy much alike. Both can smell it, but they can't eat it.
Confucius Say
Food that goes rotten while being transported to the store is "un-pallet-able".
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee,' she said.
'Where,' he asked.
'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Your stance is too wide.'
Dear Dr. Phil,
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- trout fishing.
I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out, loves trout fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time out on the lake.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful trout you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice trout that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
Dennis
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two trout we caught.
Dear Dennis,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
That's a nice pair of trout!
Sincerely,
Dr. Phil
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- trout fishing.
I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out, loves trout fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time out on the lake.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful trout you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice trout that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
Dennis
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two trout we caught.
Dear Dennis,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
That's a nice pair of trout!
Sincerely,
Dr. Phil
*Two Woodpeckers*
A Canadian woodpecker had migrated to Mexico for the winter and happened upon a Mexican woodpecker. Soon they were arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. He then continued to peck out a complete statue of a man waving. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to Summer in Canada and peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked a beautifully carved cameo in the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
"Your pecker gets harder when
you're away from home."
Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Confucius say....
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Confucius say...
Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!
Confucius say...
"Foolish man give wife grand piano.
Wise man give wife upright organ."
Confucius say...
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
Confucius say...
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
Confucius say...
"It takes many nails to build crib,
but only one screw to fill it."
GEORGE: Your new secretary is very sexy...
BILL: Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Monica ... If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no dental......
I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient she is.
Next day, George called Bill from the hospital & shouted:
Bill… You bastard! You didn't tell me that the hole between Monica's legs is a Pencil Sharpener...
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