Funny
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Two Blondes With Hammers:
Lynn & Betty were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Betty, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'Half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I'm throwing them away.'
Betty thinks about this and goes ballistic, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Aren't Blondes The Best!?!
Lynn & Betty were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Betty, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'Half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I'm throwing them away.'
Betty thinks about this and goes ballistic, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Aren't Blondes The Best!?!
My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........
You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same damn cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
The Lonely Widow
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...
This cop noticed that a car with 2 old women were going 10 mph on the expressway. He pulled them over and asked why the old lady was driving so slow, and she said, "Officer, the speed limit on this road is 10 mph." He said, "No ma'am, that 10 means that you're on Hwy 10.". "Oh my heavens, I did not know that! " Then he looks over at the passenger, and she looks like 
, so he asks, "What's wrong with your friend?" And the old lady says, "Well, considering what you've just told me, apparently we just got off Hwy 115."
, so he asks, "What's wrong with your friend?" And the old lady says, "Well, considering what you've just told me, apparently we just got off Hwy 115."
Three Old Ladies
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flahser approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flahser approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.
Confucius Say
A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y'all
Confucius Say
A Greek tampon is called "Abzorba the Leak."
Confucius Say
Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut.
Confucius Say
Well done is better than well said.
Confucius Say
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
Confucius Say
New York manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear is called "Manhatten".
Confucius Say
Homosexuals don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.
Confucius Say
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Confucius Say
Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Confucius Say
The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant.
A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y'all
Confucius Say
A Greek tampon is called "Abzorba the Leak."
Confucius Say
Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut.
Confucius Say
Well done is better than well said.
Confucius Say
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
Confucius Say
New York manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear is called "Manhatten".
Confucius Say
Homosexuals don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.
Confucius Say
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Confucius Say
Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Confucius Say
The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant.
SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.
WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA:
I froze to death.
WANDA:
How horrible!
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves climax so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are having sex, the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel.
That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown climax."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he takes off the clothes and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they have sex. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed.
Let the young man have sex with your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has a room-shaking,screaming,earth shattering orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, son!!"
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are having sex, the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel.
That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown climax."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he takes off the clothes and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they have sex. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed.
Let the young man have sex with your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has a room-shaking,screaming,earth shattering orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, son!!"
Confucius Say
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
Confucius Say
A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69.
Confucius Say
A vagina is like a very small hotel. One must leave his bag outside.
Confucius Say
A Platonic Relationship develops after two good friends are tired of screwing each other.
Confucius Say
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of standing cock.
Confucius Say
Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'.
Confucius Say
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy
Confucius Say
When one man rub lotion on another man, it is called "Men-Gay".
Confucius Say
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, dosen't know if he's coming or going.
Confucius Say
If a bulldog and a shitsu are mated, it would be called a "bullshit".
A teacher's story about
Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and theRottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and theRottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
Confucius Say
Jamaican proctologist is called "Pokemon".
Confucius Say
Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.
Confucius Say
Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Confucius Say
Man who mix Rogaine with Viagra will end up hard headed.
Confucius Say
Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.
Confucius Say
The difference between a dog and a fox is about five drinks.
Confucius Say
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Confucius Say
Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.
Confucius Say
A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.
Confucius Say
A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
In Honor of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.......
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On packaging for an iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious - what other use?)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(You got to be kidding me - that's why I bought it!)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God! Did someone actually try?)
===========================
Ahhhhh……The Wisdom of the Ages........
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
-- ***************************************************************************************************************
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
-- ***************************************************************************************************************
Confucius Say
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.
Confucius Say
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Confucius Say
A Politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Confucius Say
If woman meets a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift, she should exchange him.
Confucius Say
A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.
Confucius Say
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.
Confucius Say
A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.
Confucius Say
A humorous question on an exam is called "Testicle".
Confucius Say
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Confucius Say
To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another Petrol station lavvie because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2500.
Morning suit rental-£125.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Confucius Say
Man with a lisp will walk with a Lymph.
Confucius Say
Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session.
Confucius Say
At a nudist wedding, you don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
Confucius Say
A Church's bills are always "Due unto others"
Confucius Say
Egghead is what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty
Confucius Say
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm is called "Sperm Wail".
Confucius Say
Prostitute who likes bondage is usually strapped for cash.
Confucius Say
For every woman with a curve, there are several men with angles.
Confucius Say
Never marry a woman with big hands. It will make your dick look smaller
Confucius Say
The only thing divorce proves is whose mother was right in the first place.
Little Johnny's Sister
Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her Mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded
me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mom fainted.
Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her Mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded
me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mom fainted.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS ..... !
IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT .....!
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: .....
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT .....!
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: .....
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the
'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
16. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that
one enjoys it?
17. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but
when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
18. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?
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