Funny

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Confucius Say...
Live each day as if it were your last, because someday it will be.
Confucius Say...
It's ok to look back at the past....Just don't stare at it.
Confucius Say...
If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.
Confucius Say...
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Confucius Say...
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Confucius Say...
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Confucius Say...
He who sleep on bed of nails, is indeed a holy man.
Confucius Say...
Man who has money to burn, makes an ash of himself.
Confucius Say...
"Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more."

Confucius Say...
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

 

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Prince Charles and the Hooker


You can’t resist British humor!!




Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.
At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.





He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.



This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hookers corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.





Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"







--

 

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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.


Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses through the windshield.


"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.


"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.



Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.



"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?



"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.



She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the hell off this car!"

 

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<a href="http://tinypic.com?ref=4hdva0" target="_blank"><img src="http://i47.tinypic.com/4hdva0.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>​

 

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I had no idea! You learn something every day.

This is much simpler than I thought!

How BOOBS got their name !

 

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[CaneCounty]

lol oh shit

 

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You got to love this Police Officer!


A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.


The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"


Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"


Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."


"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?


"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"


"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"​

 

[tontotonto]

 

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A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could
stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading,
I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He
cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor
came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed,
"Well, yes, but never with a carnation."​

​

 

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.


'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'


'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'


'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.


'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.


Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms/hr. (Remember, the Pope is German.)


'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.


'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.


The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief.


'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.


The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'


'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.


The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


Chief: ' A senator?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'


Cop: 'I think it's God!'


The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'


Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Stay blessed







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Can you give me a push?​

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory!!" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[MT Hermit]

now i have 2 start on pg 1

 

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Applause for the Stripper

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Jim replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'






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[creepin]

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