Wow!
Funny
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Wow!
If you are interested in getting an iPad for Christmas, I can get hold of them through a contact. These are legal, not off the back of a truck.
They are from a canceled hospital contract due to the government cutbacks.
The numbers are limited - I have twenty iPads going for less than half price, so it's first come, first served.
I have already sold one (see pic below so you can see what you would be getting).
Get back to me as quickly as you can, if you want one... let me know ...
They are from a canceled hospital contract due to the government cutbacks.
The numbers are limited - I have twenty iPads going for less than half price, so it's first come, first served.
I have already sold one (see pic below so you can see what you would be getting).
Get back to me as quickly as you can, if you want one... let me know ...
The Arrogance of Authority
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",
as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly
displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....
On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!
Have I made myself clear........do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and
saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's
big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer,
and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part.....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!!"
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
GOVERNMENT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife sometimes.
GOVERNMENT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
SEXUAL ADVICE
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do" she said. ''Does it hurt you", he asked? "No. I rather like it!"
''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex,
if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do" she said. ''Does it hurt you", he asked? "No. I rather like it!"
''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex,
if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"
Sylvia was in her backyard hanging up her washing when Sarah, her next door neighbor, poked her head over the fence and said,
"I don't like being the one to have to tell you this Sylvia, but there's a rumor going around that your husband Robert is chasing the women."
"So what?" said Sylvia.
"But at his age!" said Sarah, "He's over 80 isn't he?"
"Ya, so he's eighty-two, so what?" replied Sylvia. "Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?"
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station....
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself.... This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a moment.....
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 10 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says:
'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jay$u$, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 10 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says:
'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jay$u$, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
A guy walks into a bar in Georgia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ...."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian, "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
Re: Funny Confucius Say!
Confucius Say
A Penis is the only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
Confucius Say
A relationship is the opportunity to do something you hate with someone you love.
Confucius Say
The inventor of shag carpet made a big pile.
Confucius Say
Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right
Confucius Say
A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Confucius Say
The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.
Confucius Say
A Magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
Confucius Say
A Cannibal is person who likes to see other people stewed.
Confucius Say
An Optimist is a girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
Confucius Say
A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
Confucius Say
A Penis is the only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
Confucius Say
A relationship is the opportunity to do something you hate with someone you love.
Confucius Say
The inventor of shag carpet made a big pile.
Confucius Say
Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right
Confucius Say
A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Confucius Say
The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.
Confucius Say
A Magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
Confucius Say
A Cannibal is person who likes to see other people stewed.
Confucius Say
An Optimist is a girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
Confucius Say
A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
Hector decided to treat himself to a trip to the whorehouse, and turned to catch the hooker's expression when he dropped his pants (His penis was eighteen inches long)
"Oh my God," gasped the poor girl, "you're not putting that inside me! I'll kiss it. I'll lick it"
"No fucking way," Hector broke in. "I can do that myself."
"Oh my God," gasped the poor girl, "you're not putting that inside me! I'll kiss it. I'll lick it"
"No fucking way," Hector broke in. "I can do that myself."
Your Duck is Dead !
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
Chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The
vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
Chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The
vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Confucius Say
A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded.
Confucius Say
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea how she'll be in bed.
Confucius Say
Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove.
Confucius Say
It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say
To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it
Confucius Say
Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.
Confucius Say
Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ.
Confucius Say
Mother's Day comes nine months after father's day.
Confucius Say
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say
It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you're done.
A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded.
Confucius Say
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea how she'll be in bed.
Confucius Say
Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove.
Confucius Say
It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say
To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it
Confucius Say
Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.
Confucius Say
Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ.
Confucius Say
Mother's Day comes nine months after father's day.
Confucius Say
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say
It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you're done.
The Journey of Man
When? I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.? Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits
When? I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.? Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits
Suicidal:
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $5,000.00 for veneers, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Aren't Blondes The Best!?!???
Yeah... RIGHT!
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $5,000.00 for veneers, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Aren't Blondes The Best!?!???
Yeah... RIGHT!
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Believe it or not, it's time for another presidential election in the US.
Less than a year from now we'll know who the "winner" is.
If you'd to follow the campaign in detail - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the ridiculous - here's a new video channel I strongly recommend.
I guarantee subscribing will give you more insight and depth of knowledge on the race than you'll get from watching any 20 news channels.
First topic...a feature lampooning one of the great ego manics in American history.
If you like it, please share it. That's how we grow.
Less than a year from now we'll know who the "winner" is.
If you'd to follow the campaign in detail - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the ridiculous - here's a new video channel I strongly recommend.
I guarantee subscribing will give you more insight and depth of knowledge on the race than you'll get from watching any 20 news channels.
First topic...a feature lampooning one of the great ego manics in American history.
If you like it, please share it. That's how we grow.
Newt the Ninja
Christmas Foursome
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
Number 2 guy say “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, Well Babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater".
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
Number 2 guy say “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, Well Babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater".
This is a word to the wise for all my email friends & fam from BGOL.
I would like to share an experience with you... it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few lady friends. After consuming too much Grey Goose, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a MOFO bus. I arrived home safely and without incident...
This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before.
I would like to share an experience with you... it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few lady friends. After consuming too much Grey Goose, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a MOFO bus. I arrived home safely and without incident...
This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before.
A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop."
"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind."
He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.
"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."
"Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat ?"
"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem.
Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask.
Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.
"Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.
"Get rid of your Jewish accent" she replied. " .....You're Chinese."
"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop."
"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind."
He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.
"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."
"Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat ?"
"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem.
Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask.
Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.
"Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.
"Get rid of your Jewish accent" she replied. " .....You're Chinese."
Confucius Say
A vigorous masturbation session is called "Hand to Gland Combat".
Confucius Say
An airplane girl is a blonde who has a black box
Confucius Say
Gay dinosaur is called Mega-sor-ass.
Confucius Say
A flying saucer will appear when a nudist spills his coffee
Confucius Say
To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.
Confucius Say
A prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind.
Confucius Say
Always wear Stealth condoms...they'll never see you coming.
Confucius Say
A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Confucius Say
Amish woman's secret fantasy is two Mennonite.
Confucius Say
When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.
Barry Mailey walks into a drugstore and asks for a package of condoms.
"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." The druggist says.
"Well, I am, "replies Barry.
"You'll have to prove it," says the druggist.
So Barry rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows
it to the druggist and finally gets his condoms.
A few days later, Barry goes back to the same druggist to
get some flea powder for his dog.
"Got a dog license?" the druggist asks.
Barry reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog
licence and is finally handed his flea powder.
The next day he's back in the shop and hands the druggist a screw- top-jar.
"Here, smell this," Barry tells the druggist.
"The druggist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.
"That smells like Shit!" cries the druggist, wrinkling his nose.
"Correct," says Barry .
...
...
...
"Now GET ME two rolls of toilet paper please."
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section.
She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats.
Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.
The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem
. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
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+
+
+
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He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another Petrol station lavvie because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2500.
Morning suit rental-£125.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Precious!