Funny

[Lick]

Confucius Say
Prostitute with her hand in her panties is "self employed".

Confucius Say
Do not argue with spouse who is packing your parachute.

Confucius Say
Some fisherman catch their fish by the tale.

Confucius Say
Whether or not sex is better than pot, depends on the pusher

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free.

Confucius Say
If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going.

Confucius Say
Man who wants to kill a circus troupe, should go for the juggler

Confucius Say
If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit."

Confucius Say
An Impotent Loser is a man who can't even get his hopes up.

Confucius Say
A handkerchief should be called "Cold storage".

 

[AtomAnt]

A son asked his mother the following question:






'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:






'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'




The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.




'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'




The father looks at his son in surprise and says:




'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

 

[AtomAnt]

The Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back," he replied. "I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
"Just wait until I get home," the doctor said, "and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room.
The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti... two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

​

Oh shi its a quadruplet

 

[Lick]

At The Truckstop

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

For once, the blonde gets even!

 

[Lick]

oh shit......



So you think you're having a bad day.......

then you step outside of your house........

and look up into the beautiful blue sky.....

and see this !!!!!

All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face and you say to yourself

"things don't seem quite so bad!!!!!!"

Now that's a big ass balloon!!!!!

 

[Lick]

Confucius Say
Do not argue with spouse who is packing your parachute.

Confucius Say
Some fisherman catch their fish by the tale.

Confucius Say
Whether or not sex is better than pot, depends on the pusher

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free.

Confucius Say
If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going.

Confucius Say
Man who wants to kill a circus troupe, should go for the juggler

Confucius Say
If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit."

Confucius Say
An Impotent Loser is a man who can't even get his hopes up.

Confucius Say
A handkerchief should be called "Cold storage."

Confucius Say
Sex is like vacation....it never lasts long enough."

Confucius Say
Never tell a one legged hitch hiker to "hop in."

 

[Lick]

Confucius Say
Women are like convertables. They're both more fun with their top down.

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Confucius Say
Woman who loses wedding ring in kitchen, should remove her drawers

Confucius Say
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary

Confucius Say
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Confucius Say
When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.

Confucius Say
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."

Confucius Say
When things go wrong, don't go with them.

Confucius Say
A speech is like a bicycle wheel...the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.

Confucius say,
"It is impossible to sling mud with clean hands".

 

[Lick]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!



A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

 

[Lick]

What kind of gym is this???

THE DILDO GYM ​

 

[Lick]

Resignation Letter



You get a call that you need to go clean out Aunt Martha's storage garage because she died.
And, you are told to bring a trailer.
Sounds like a pain in the rear but out of respect for your Aunt Martha, you comply.
Later you send the following letter to your boss.


Dear Boss:
I'm resigning effective immediately!
The reason for my resignation is that I cleaned my aunt's garage this morning before coming to work, and realized I don't feel like working anymore.
See for yourself...












one sec...

​

 

[Lick]

Costco Doctor


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

 

[Lick]

You gotta love this Neighborhood dispute.




A city councilman in Utah , Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built a new home.

The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line, at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city, and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his
home... Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.

When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found..

The City Council said the vents can stay since there is no ordinances referring to shutter design.

​

 

[Lick]

Confucius say...
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

Confucius say...
Man who let woman on top, will screw up

Confucius say...
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling

Confucius say...
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Confucius say...
Sexy typist will bang on keyboard!

Confucius say...
Sumo Wrestling is survival of the fattest.

Confucius say...
'tis better to sleep with old hen, than pullet

Confucius say...
Many men bite , but Fu Man Chu

Confucius say...
Woman who fly airplane upside down have " crack up "

Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 

[Lick]

THINGS I LEARNED IN COLLEGE !




Golf Ball + Tennis Racquet + Indoor Hallway = Awesome!

No toilet paper, no paper towels... got coffee filters?

You can make pizza with Bisquick and spaghetti.

You can make a screwdriver with Gatorade. It will not be very good.

It is possible to snort instant coffee. It is not a good idea.

If you get stoned and stare at the TV for hours people will make fun of you if it's not turned on.

A crossbow bolt will go completely through drywall.

How to patch drywall.

Yes, there are mermaids in Weeki Wachee Springs, but you cannot get there by canoe.

If you're going to jump the fence to get into Busch Gardens, you should know where they keep the lions.

"Kinda" good at nunchucks is not good enough to avoid serious head injury.

Threatening someone with a hammer just one time will forever earn you the nickname "Thor".

It is possible to steal furniture from the study lounge if you wear a mask and cape.

The value of study lounge furniture is highly overstated on police reports.

If you have access to three sets of identical twins, you can make someone think they've gone crazy.

You can survive a week on a loaf of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.

Uncooked lime jello can be used as a popcorn seasoning.

It doesn't matter how much tequila you've had, you cannot catch a duck.

 

[Lick]

Confucius say...
woman is like jazz music---3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.

Confucius say...
He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver.

Confucius say...
Cows without legs are ground beef

Confucius say...
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.

Confucius say....
Woman who is in love with priest will chase him through church and grab him by the organ

Confucius say...
Economy will go up and down when country is run by yo-yo's

Confucius say...
Basketball player who marry midget lady will be nuts over her

Confucius say...
Chinese couple who have white baby, name it " Sum Ting Wong"

Confucius say...
lady who slide down bannister,get slivers by cracky !

Confucius say...
man who date flat chested woman will be feeling low

 

[Lick]

Of all the blonde jokes, this one makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game..



They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.







"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but

I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...



'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'



I'm like...Helloooooo?



It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 

[Lick]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY >
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

 

[BLACKLOOP]

Of all the blonde jokes, this one makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game..



They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.







"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but

I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...



'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'



I'm like...Helloooooo?



It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Lmao

Sent from my HTC Glacier using Tapatalk

 

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Cough Syrup..........



Cough Syrup..........

The pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against avwall.

He asks the Newfie clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.



I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot, you can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The Newfie clerk responds..................













“Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough".

 

[Lick]

​

 

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Confucius say...
wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn

Confucius say...
Woman who marry detective must kiss dick.

Confucius say...
Woman who is wallflower at party, dandelion in bed.

Confucius say...
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink

Confucius say...
Men and spray paint alike... One squeeze and they're all over you.

Confucius Say...
The best way to save face to keep the lower part shut

Confucius Say...
Men are like Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Confucius say...
It is good for girl to meet boy in park,
but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Confucius say...
Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders

Confucius say...
Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face

 

[Lick]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursinghome at $2,000 per month.



My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.


We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

 

[Lick]

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.'

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !

 

[Notorious P.I.M.P.]

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.'

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing
medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !

 

[Lick]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything - tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.


Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise; Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

 

[Lick]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012 when...


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you



5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.





6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...



7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen



8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it









10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee







11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.








14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9,13, on this list.


15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
a 9 on this list

And finally

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

 

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Confucius Say
Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.

Confucius Say
A 400 pound lady, who likes both men and women, is a bisexual built for two.

Confucius Say
Husbands are like fires...they go out when left unattended.

Confucius Say
Character is like a fence...it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

Confucius Say
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

Confucius Say
Woman who gives away free potato chips, will offer you a free Lay.

Confucius Say
It's better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

Confucius Say
Surgeon who make mistake, forced to take a cut in salary

Confucius say,
A virgin, sleeping on a waterbed is called 'cherry float'.

Confucius say,
Blowing into a blonde's ear is called Data transfer

 

[Lick]

This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force...
Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.


WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.





HUSBAND:


God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you








AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........​

 

[Lick]

Confucius say,
An "egghead" is what Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Confucius say,
Man with head up ass, can't see for shit.

Confucius say,
A transvestite is one who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

Confucius say,
A gay man with diarrhea is called juicy fruit!

Confucius say,
Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

Confucius say,
“Show off always shown up in showdown."

Confucius say,
“He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth”

Confucius say,
"A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait."

Confucius say,
Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Confucius say,
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.