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Funny

RETIRED HUSBAND

After he retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to our local superstore.

Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday his dear wife, Joan received the following letter from the store:

Dear Mrs. Turnbull,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Turnbull, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to buy a bag of M&Ms on easy payments.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the shop assistants passed out.
:lol:
 










Bitches to the End...



The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've

got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."



The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.



"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."



After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.



They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.



The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.



After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"



"Because I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

:yes:
 
NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not...



A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.






New Wine for Seniors









California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which

primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio

wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an

anti-diuretic.


It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people

have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as





PINO MORE :cheers:
 
The Law​



One evening after the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked: "I'd give fifty dollars to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark, and, turning around, she said: I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her flat, where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars and prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other twenty-five dollars, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds."

The next day he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his presence in court as the defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case is presented."



After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse of shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only twenty-five dollars, one half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."



The defendant's lawyer was impressed and very amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honour, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for awhile and that a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that no judgment be granted."



The young lady's lawyer came back with this: "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that judgment be granted."






AND SHE GOT IT !!​
:D
 
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...









I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon



As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.



While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.



I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.' :lol:
 

Daddy's car in the woods.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.........'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs....'


Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt! :hmm:
 
NEVER SAY TO A COP



1. I can't reach my licence unless you hold my beer.
2.. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realise my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I pay your salary!
7. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
8. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are
9. When the officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'
:eek:
 
6 Truths of Life









1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.


3. And discover that The first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.








5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face....







I apologize about this.








I'm an idiot too and I needed company!



:D
 




On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.



Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.



During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.



Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance. And, as Leo Rosten writes, no other word, and no other language, can do it justice. This is a great example (scroll down):















A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time; as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a dollar, but never take a pretzel.

This offering went on for more than three years. The two of them never spoke.




One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over three years.





Without blinking an eye she said: "They're a dollar and a quarter now."

:lol:
 
About a month ago I found out that my little lovey dog (a Schnauzer named Woofie) could hardly hear, so I took her to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was just overgrown hair in her ears. He cleaned both ears, and my little angel could then hear fine.
The vet then told me that, if I wanted to keep this from recurring, I should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in Woofie's ears at least once a month.

I stopped at the store to pick up some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told me, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


I told him that, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist then said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."


I replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. But if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."


The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 


Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle,

Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words...
















B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
 
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,





So I did...





















48e8191e54ff0.jpg


She's 21 and her name's Lucy.



:lol:
 

A Police STOP at 2 AM



An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and

is asked where he is going at this time of night.


The man replies,

"I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the

effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and

staying out late."


The officer then asks,

"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"



The man replies,

"That would be my wife."




:lol:
 
Lick said:

Daddy's car in the woods.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.........'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs....'


Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt! :hmm:
Click to expand...

Lol!
 
Sylvia was in her backyard hanging up her washing when Sarah, her next door neighbor, poked her head over the fence and said,

"I don't like being the one to have to tell you this Sylvia, but there's a rumor going around that your husband Robert is chasing the women."
"So what?" said Sylvia.
"But at his age!" said Sarah, "He's over 80 isn't he?"
"Ya, so he's eighty-two, so what?" replied Sylvia. "Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?"





:lol:
 
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday.


They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face



Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom


Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone


Abba---
Denture Queen
"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

:D
 

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.


:lol:
 
This is probably one of the best animations I've seen in a while.... a bit over 6 minutes long ...












:lol:
 
A Kiss is a Kiss?????


A tough-looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
He wants to distract her, so he says the first thing that pops into his head.

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss? At least you go out with a nice memory, eh?

She thinks for a moment and then she gives him a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"












"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl." :eek:
 
ROLL CALL​

Doing a roll call on the first day back at school in Montreal, the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:



"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."

"Fatima Al Chadoury? " "Here."

"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here."

"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here."

"Mi Cha El Mey Er?" Silence in the classroom.

"Mi Cha El Mey Er?"



Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.



She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?"



A boy stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me...... but my name is pronounced ......... Michael Meyer."



:lol:
 
Bass Boat.....


A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

:lol:
 

The Neighbor's Goddam Dog

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The goddam dog is still barking,
what have you been doing all this time?"
The blonde replies with a big grin, "I put the bastard in OUR backyard,
let's see how THEY like it for a change!
 
Professor Higgins at the



University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know
what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!


:lol:
 
The real Laws​



1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.





:yes:
 
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy
should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the
WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring
the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV..
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No..'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'


:lol:
 
DUH r squared



A blonde was driving home & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.... 'Save yourself a bunch of money. Go home and blow into the tail pipe really, really hard. All the dents will just pop out!'


So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.


Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'



The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.


The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++​

:lol:
 


WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:



Men Are Just Happier People --



What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another Petrol station lavvie because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £2500.

Morning suit rental-£125.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.





No wonder men are happier.


:lol:
 
Get The Shit Out!!!!!​


A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is full from the last flight so an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully and slowly so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without leave. I have one stripe. It's -40 degrees, and my job is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"


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:lol:
 

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