Condolences bruh, that's tough but you're still living!
Thank you for that.
The day after she died I was sitting there in the apartment smoking a joint, listening to her favorite songs and crying my eyes out.
All of a sudden something inside me snapped! I turned off the music, stopped crying and I haven't been able to since. Spent the rest of the day writing a short story for Godofwine's contest.
She always said that if she died first I would turn into a wreck, maybe even start drinking again. For years after I kept waiting for this big wave of grief to wash over me. Thinking one day I would wake up so broken that I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. It's been almost 10 years and it still hasn't happened.
When I think about her now all that comes to mind is all of the bad things we did to each other. Like the time I got arrested on New Year's Eve and never called because I didn't want to go back home. That's how bad our fights were.
Only time I really miss her is when I'm DJing a party for a room full of black people. I'll throw down "never too much" and "before I let go" back to back and point up to the sky. At that point I'm not playing for the crowd anymore. I'm playing for her.
Her birthday and her death day pass every year without me even thinking about it unless someone else brings it up. Sometimes it feels like the whole marriage happened to someone else.
I'm not even sure why. Maybe her death hit so hard that I couldn't feel it anymore or maybe I'm a sociopath.
All I know is that I've never been married or lived common law with another woman since and I never will! I'm beyond tired of that shit.
At the end of the day all relationships end in one of two ways. Both of them are horrible and tragic. So enjoy your lady while you have her. Even when she pisses you off. Because one day you're going to wake up and she's not going to be there.