I dont even want em at my funeral. Matter fact, I don't want em to know if or when I transition.
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"Mom" is dying, and I don't know how to feel.
- Thread starter woodchuck
- Start date
Well SHE WAS YOUR MOM , and she could have had an abortion . Think about that , and you don't know her struggle , what caused her to have to live in whatever condition that she had to forsake you and what other siblings that you had . Hey like I said she gave you life , she could have had an abortion . LET THAT SINK IN .
I'm not heartless bro. Did what I had to do.
Stfu
Something means different things things to different people. To me it means constantly thinking about what happened and how family can be so wrong. If the person wasn’t family I wouldn’t think about them anymore, lesson learned. I can watch an old Christmas movie and miss 5 minutes thinking about why family acted that way. It’s the reason I replied to this post. I want to be numb, but it’s still fresh. I’m losing time.
These are the type of threads that really shows you how personal experiences and relationships with people can develop different moral perspectives.
Two of the best writers on the board, @woodchuck and @godofwine, have so graciously shared personal pieces of their relationships with a parent that caused some type of trauma. The difference is that for Chuck, it’s his mom, and GOW was his dad.
One thing members didn’t do was tell GOW how to feel about his dad because society (people) don’t see fathers the same way as mothers no matter if the abuse level was equal. There will always be that percentage of individuals that gives mothers way more leeway than dads when it comes to the type of relationship that should exist.
But, when you break things down on a human level and remove the “who it is” part from it, then many of you will see that your parent is no different than any other human being out here. You just call them mom or dad. And even then, some people don’t even get that privilege.
Life is wild as fuck out here. We all living and trying to figure shit out as we go.
Two of the best writers on the board, @woodchuck and @godofwine, have so graciously shared personal pieces of their relationships with a parent that caused some type of trauma. The difference is that for Chuck, it’s his mom, and GOW was his dad.
One thing members didn’t do was tell GOW how to feel about his dad because society (people) don’t see fathers the same way as mothers no matter if the abuse level was equal. There will always be that percentage of individuals that gives mothers way more leeway than dads when it comes to the type of relationship that should exist.
But, when you break things down on a human level and remove the “who it is” part from it, then many of you will see that your parent is no different than any other human being out here. You just call them mom or dad. And even then, some people don’t even get that privilege.
Life is wild as fuck out here. We all living and trying to figure shit out as we go.
Dude, you are spot on!
Vulcan Life>>>>>>>
Grief will only be as strong as the relationship was.
Every single word is spot on.
However I think I have a slight counter on one point.
I think if we start really researching what a "parent" is...
Yes like with EVERYTHING we focus on the WORST of us a sad trait of human nature
But there are biological and scientific basis for our strong connections to our parents.
To an infant's eyes being deliberately wider and rounder and brighter to induce and empathy to a parent. And the multitude of physical responses has to a child... women begin uncontrollable lactation when a baby cries, getting adrenaline boost of strengths to save a child.
My point is a mother's relationship to a child IS physically psychologically different and REAL. We can't control that.
And yes fathers also have significant connections.
They are real and most parents embrace them and strive to be the best possible.
I'm saying we have many examples of healthy great parents and we rarely champion them. Especially black fathers
Look at how the latest Will Smith movie biggest criticism isn't about the acting writing or production value
But that it centers on a black man who lead his family to one of the greatest American success stories in modern history.
What does THAT say?
Yes mother has a specific connotation
So does father
So does parent.
We cannot help but have attachment and ideals mixed with as you perfectly explained logic and emotion completely jumbled up and thrown out the window.
I think it's important that mental health is championed now.
And our complicated relationships with parents go back to Freud and even oedipus and even Jesus.
But I think the modern mental health trend of kinda diminishing parents as only a positive and negative influence on our lives is a way too sharp and severe counter to (especially Black families) our need to treat parents as infallible untouchable figures.
Majority of any issues people have out here goes directly back to parents.
Chuck said something earlier that is something I stand by:
This isn’t just a relationship with anyone. There are things that your parents may have done or said to you that will have an effect on you in many ways. Positively and negatively.
We can’t even define what a good parent is because it’s subjective. We can think we are doing what is best for our children and may be truthfully messing them up in the head. Because the natural existence between any human being will be met with emotions that may conflict and create misunderstandings. Unless there is a level of communication comprehension, then these personal experience we have can lead to some type of mental chaos in the future.
I have been dealing with some strong family issues myself lately and I am noticing everyone involved thinks they are right and everyone else is wrong.
Dealing with this on my mom's side of the family now. It's like they know they're wrong, but refuse to see past their own egos. THE hardest words to utter on that side of the family is an apology. And even when they do acknowledge their wrongdoing, it's usually followed by "but". "I know you're hurt by what they did, but..." No, you super stupid motherfucker, there is no such thing as "but" in a sincere apology!
That shit irks me!
I end up just keeping it brief & keeping my distance.
I'm at the point where I evaluate whether people even have certain capacities to have humility, be selfless, accountable, etc. and dealing (or not dealing) with them accordingly.
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Mothers are usually the ones in the role of primary caretaker, even when both parents are present. Mothers are seen as the ones who can't easily walk away. She has to carry you to term, and the father can skip out as soon as the pregnancy test results are announced. Usually most pain associated with fathers are due to their absence and neglect from a distance. Or abuse where the mother is a buffer and/or also abused.
With mothers, often they are present, so it is years of daily trauma from the person who is also charged with your daily care. If they are single parents who have struggled without support, mothers tend to get more sympathy. Births as a result of rape or promises made and broken may leave the mother bitter and resentful every time she looks at the child that favors their father. The fact they are there daily vs someone who walked away carries weight in giving the benefit of the doubt. Most are seen as doing the best they knew how to do with the circumstances they found themselves in.
My parents weren't perfect. What has helped me with the issues I do have is realizing I'm not the center of the universe. My parents had to juggle their relationship, job problems, racism all black folks face, caring for multiple children, their own childhood and family issues etc. They had their own life and struggles, and may not have had the time or energy to give me 100%. There were things I wanted to participate in that my oldest sister got to do during her childhood, that I couldn't because of the level of involvement it would require from my mom, which I believe was due to her struggling with self esteem issues at the time, so that held me back. At the time I was upset, and to a degree I still am, but I have perspective as an adult looking back.
That said, I think they abuse from a mother figure can run deeper and have been lasting results. Mothers arent "supposed" to be selfish and they are "supposed" to want you and love you no matter what, but some women aren't built for that, for various reasons. Add in societal and biblical reverence for mothers, and there is a shit load of complications added in.
Honor thy mother and father.
Same. Egos all over the place. And all I can really do is listen with amazement.
One thing I’ve realized about myself is that I’m always looking for ways to better myself, so I set my ego aside to listen to others when they are critical of me. Not everyone is actively doing the same thing and that’s where I go wrong when I deal with people.
I agree, that trauma from mothers can run deeper to a degree, especially when the child is constantly looking to approval or appearance.
Parents will never get it right 100% of the time.
I don’t have much to add on to what you have said, sis. You hit many points I agree with.
This and my issues are why I'm super selective with women I get involved with.
I keep in the back of my mind, "Do my kids deserve better?" It is a must that my lady be a nurturing woman.
Yep, gotta be thankful for Mom for having you no matter what she did.
5 Things To Know About Andrea Yates, The Mom Who Drowned Her 5 Kids In The Bathtub
On June 20, 2001, mother of five Andrea Yates drowned her children, who ranged in age from six months to seven years, in the bathtub at her home in Houston, Texas.
https://www.investigationdiscovery....ndrea-yates-mom-drowned-5-kids-in-the-bathtub
Im not even mad at you , your response says everything about your pain .
Is she dead?
Damn.... u got me. Cant pull a fast over on u
One of the most honest thoughtful and revealing threads of the year
The trauma is real. Now, a lot of guys who had horrible relationships with their mothers go out and Abuse women or do some crazy shit like that. Some even avoid relationships or treat women like shit because of that initial relationship with their mother. Some even Date outside their race for this reason
I'm not that by a long shot. I recognize the deficiencies of my mother and her inability to love me the way I needed and hope to find the love I require from a Black woman (again)
i didnt realize this thread was from november..... i battle the loss of my moms daily. sometimes I just cry on the way out the house, in the car, in the street, in the store...... the pain is like a tooth ache.
I understand your pain.
Most of your fist paragraph are done by other subconsciously. They don’t know they’re doing it or the reasons that they’re doing it usually until they’re told. Or they go to therapy and find out why they’re the eBay that they are.
I actually feel the same way about my father. Nigga wasn't shit from the day he was born. Only thing keeping me from spitting in his face when he drove up here from Atlanta a few weeks ago to ring my doorbell unnanounced was my children were home. Didn't want them to see that. But he knows I hate him. I always say no matter who it is, no matter how close they are suppose to be to you........IF THEY HAVE WORKED HARD TO EARN YOUR HATRED GO AHEAD AND GIVE IT TO THEM. Sorry things went that way for you Wood. I'm here for you bro.
I…..went through this but I did a U turn. It wasn’t for him though, it was for me. If some remember I had dreams of killing that dude but I’m older now and he’s an old ass man that has a small amount of time on the clock. He also did something to me recently that made me rethink how I’m letting him off easy. I was about to call and tell him I had Covid but I’ll hit him later. I can honestly say he was never meant to be a father. Period. When my mom died I reached out to a few folk here. My mom and the things she taught me is the reason he’s not murdered or dead by my hands. I had to let that hatred go. It wasn’t and hasn’t been easy but I’m way better than he ever was or ever will be. I let him know that all the time in my own way but I do love him because I honor my parents. The way my mom died was swift, later we realized she knew she was going die the night I dropped her off home and took my brother home. Woman was that strong. She wanted to go in peace.
I’m having a moment now but if there is judgement and there is such thing as facing it, I know my dad will have his turn. I’m just sharing, not judging anyone in this thread.
Man, this is why a implore brothers to make every attempt to reconcile their broken relationships. Most of the time it begins with you just saying f it, I forgive you, let's start from now.
Trauma isn't in the subconscious. Visually it's a poorly bandaged wound. You can't hide trauma.
I did this with my dad. He was never going to be man enough to face me. So I laid it out for about three hours. Covid was picking up stream and he asked can we make the most of this time we have left. I said yes, that’s why I asked to talk to you. Not going to rehash all I said but by the time I finished that mf left with his head hanging down. I didn’t even curse him.
Groove B Chill. Starting from Zero
Usually people don’t understand why their relationships end up the same way over and over again until later in life when they unpack their pasts.
So I have to disagree with your assessment based on my original response.
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