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"Mom" is dying, and I don't know how to feel.

my advise pay your respect but dont fake it like u dad it is what it sis.
help your dad through the transition
after that live ytour life big bro
u only got one mom and dad good or bad
handle the situation accordingly so u will have some peace
 
woodchuck said:
I appreciate the kind words, but I want you guys to understand something, I don't hate her at all, I just don't rock with her. I actually hoped she'd recover, but she's still not one of my favorite people. As for the younger siblings, I'm close to one of them. The other 2 can eat a bucket of dicks.
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I hear you, fam'.

My mom and her siblings were sort of in the same predicament back in the day. They lost their mom young. My mom was just a kid when her mom passed of polio complications. She was on decent terms with her dad, but moved out on her own when she was around 17. She's close to 1 brother and sister, indifferent with 1 stepbrother, and at odds with another stepbrother. None of them liked their stepmom. Her own biological kids, nor the stepkids. She was a mean woman and lived into her 90s.

It's interesting hearing mom's stories about growing up. She didn't fuck with stepmom, but also hardly knew her own mom.

When she attends some of the family functions with the extended family (a few provinces over) ... it's always hit and miss. Some good times, and some bullshit to deal with. Some of the relatives now live in B.C. too - so I've seen them more in recent years. Whereas some of the other relatives ... hell ... I last saw them in a 1992 visit (I flew over there as a pre-teen when my parents were overseas), and when some were in town in 1999. I don't know any of the 2nd cousins. It's strange reconnecting with relatives & wishing they were always this close. Good folks. Then the other fam' members ... shit ... it's been 20 - 30 years now. Couldn't tell you the first thing about their families.
 
Nzinga said:
I agree with this. Part of the process of being a strong and righteous man is
to do the difficult and righteous thing. If you go to the funeral, you win. If you
do not, you lose nothing, but you do not win anything either. You do this for
yourself and for your kids. Set the example of what a strong and principled
man does. Sit your kids down before or after and explain in complete detail
why you are attending the funeral of the human being who brought you into
this world. Do not sugar coat the truth. Tell them the truth about her.
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Cosign
 
Damn man I feel for you on this. My mother abandoned us as well so she’s been dead (not literally) to us since day one. While I can respect her life on a basic level as a human being, that’s as far as it goes. There was never any acknowledgment or apology as to why she did what she did and until that wound is dealt with on her end, I vowed to never look back and haven’t for the better part of 30 years now. I don’t hold any resentment or bitterness towards the situation because I’ve dealt with it on my side and moved on with my life.

What I’ve learned in life is that you make your own family bro. All those cliches of “blood is thicker than water..” or “nobody loves you like kinfolk..” is all bullshit. Find those who vibe with and value you for you, and keep that relationship solid. It can be as rewarding as family and I personally, I find many times more. I’ve created my own space with people who love and care for me and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

As for your situation, don’t feel bad for feeling how you feel because you were placed in that position. You can only react the way you’re going to react, so whatever that is, go with that and keep people around that will understand this. Feel what you need to feel without reservation and keep it flowing.

Can always vent here if you need as well.

All the best.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
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There's no wrong answer. In the end you have to do what makes YOU feel better when you go to sleep. The key is having no regrets. That's about it.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
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So I'm not gonna the you she's your mom but she is the woman that gave birth to you. So while you should go see her to pay your respects you should go in with the attitude that it's a long lost aunt that you didn't really know vs your mom. Since you've had no real relationship with her its OK to feel neutral towards her. My wife didn't really have a relationship with her dad cause they got divorced when she was young so she'll go say hello when she's in his area but it's just being polite.

The thing to always remember is that you shouldn't feel guilty because you don't feel anything for a person who didn't try to cultivate a relationship with you.
 
Mom's was from NC dad was from St. Petersburg Florida station in NC. When I was born both my parents bounced and grandmother raised me in NC. When I was 18 I lived with my dad for a year until I went into the military in 88. Woodchuck evertime you post I think about listening to your music on 22nd Avenue South in St. Petersburg, Florida. Dude you may not know it but you help shape many of us.
 
Camille said:
Just be careful. Initially you said you were numb, and that's usually a self defense mechanism designed to protect yourself from feeling and strong emotions and dealing with overwhelming situations. You may feel more strongly about this than you realize at the moment, and that can take you off guard later.
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This is very true.

Sometimes there is a disconnect between what we think we feel or want to feel and what we actually feel in reality even when we are unaware of it.

Emotions and feelings always win over intellect and how we want things to be in the end.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...

I’ll come back. Not to give you the speech but to give you some insight on what I did. Until then, I’m a southern raised man so my foundation is in the word. I’m not a holy roller but you’re in my prayers man.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...
Yo bro, you know we internet brovas so I say that to say this ... You gonna feel how you feel bro. Don't feel guilty or make apologies for it. It is what it is. She made her decisions and had her reasons. Legit or not, it affected you and your siblings. Lastly, keep your head up and my condolences. I hope she doesn't suffer.
 
Motto remains the same..,just because someone is mean to you doesn’t mean you have to be mean to them. Do the right thing and as you can see, your getting the opportunity to see her punishment. Why add salt to the wound.
 
Sorry to hear this but I can relate to how you feel. I can also relate to having siblings 10 years apart. As older siblings we have lived lives looking past how shitty our parents were. My mom never had your moms issues but I’ve come to realize that she has been the driving force for most of our family drama. She is the oldest of all her siblings and most successful. She plays favorites and her favorites have always let her down but she looks past all that since they kiss her ass.

My older sister and I have very good relationships with all our aunts and uncles especially the ones that don’t kiss her ass. My dad’s side of the family are all class acts and my mom has always been funny style about how we interacted with them growing up. My two younger siblings were literally raised by my sister and I.

Sometimes we have to hold people accountable for who they are and how they have made you feel. Relationships are a two way street. I can’t fault you for how you feel if she never attempted to make amends for what she has put you through. Get right with yourself and getting closure before she passes. Make sure you can live with whatever decision you make after she is long gone.You will be the only one stressing after She passes. Hold tight bro!
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...

Chuck you my man hunit grand, I’ll say this how you feel given the circumstances and how she treated you and your sis is the correct way to feel nobody will fault you for that. I think it would be a stand up thing for your moms to do is ask you and your sister to visit and clear the air and she apologize for treating y’all the way she did.. I think that would go far and although she’s saying that in her last days it would be closure for the trauma she inflicted on you guys… I suspect she treated y’all the way she did because she hated your pops…
Holla at pops and ask him what was the deal with them two
 
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ANGRY MAN said:
Motto remains the same..,just because someone is mean to you doesn’t mean you have to be mean to them. Do the right thing and as you can see, your getting the opportunity to see her punishment. Why add salt to the wound.
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I can appreciate this. Be the better person.

Question though, what if you think or feel like the other party doesn't deserve to see/experience/have access to the better you?
 
Bad Andy said:
Sometimes we have to hold people accountable for who they are and how they have made you feel
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I somewhat agree. I have learned that we cannot hold a person anymore accountable than they are willing to hold themselves.

No matter what you may want or think you need from a person, you can't make them do anything. It was when I realized this that I started just taking note of who people are and their capacity, then moving accordingly.

The best thing anyone can do for you is show you who they are. Believe them.
 
dHustla said:
I can appreciate this. Be the better person.

Question though, what if you think or feel like the other party doesn't deserve to see/experience/have access to the better you?
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Its tough…but it goes against the code of what’s the right thing to do. How can you be the better you if you still feel empty. That means you didn’t grow from the relationship and is somewhat traumatized by it. Only way to get over it, is to show them it didn’t affect you. I would be very kind and level headed, now I’m not going out my way.

Killing people with kindness is on a different level. Plus you be blessed in the long run good things will happen for you!
 
ANGRY MAN said:
Its tough…but it goes against the code of what’s the right thing to do. How can you be the better you if you still feel empty. That means you didn’t grow from the relationship and is somewhat traumatized by it. Only way to get over it, is to show them it didn’t affect you. I would be very kind and level headed, now I’m not going out my way.

Killing people with kindness is on a different level. Plus you be blessed in the long run good things will happen for you!
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Thanks for your reply.

I would disagree with the bold part. If I'm truly over it, I don't need the validation of anyone from "showing them".
 
dHustla said:
Thanks for your reply.

I would disagree with the bold part. If I'm truly over it, I don't need the validation of anyone from "showing them".
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True you don’t need anyone validation…..but sometimes women love to see the pain they cause people. They get a kick out of it, see (Brittany Renner) they know they doing some fuck shit and do it anyway. Me on showing them is not letting them see the pain they cause.

In your case moms was tripping her whole life. She know you and the family feel nothing about her. So she probably will be like yeah they don’t care about me nothing new. They always was like that, placing the blame on y’all. Instead of her, that’s where I would mentally fuck her up by “showing” her the opposite.

Now who can she blame after you showing her love after all the bullshit you went through. She should eventually breakdown crying or confessing.

Note: this is all an assumption because I don’t know you or all the details you had to go through.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...
I have a friend who has a mother who aint shit..... Ive heard some of the most unbelievable stories so I can totally understand how you feel. You are entitled to feel what you feel. I feel the same way about my father... he never did shit.. NOTHING.... I had nothing to fel bad or sad about. My brother on the other hand was fuked up about it. If they wont be able to ever understand how it would be possible for the same mother to have treated you worse than theyve been treated. they do not know that woman. you cant make them see her for who & what she is. You cant compete with that perception of their version of your mother....

Idnt know anything about ya mom's & the history.
 
woodchuck said:
Well, she checked out today. I was being there for my younger brother. My oldest sister, who was one of the ones she fucked up, took it hard. My and my other sister are both like, yeah, it sux, but what do you want us to do?
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Condolences, Chuck

Not only for the loss of your mother, but for never really having one.
Like I posted before, I can relate.
 
dHustla said:
Condolences, Chuck

Not only for the loss of your mother, but for never really having one.
Like I posted before, I can relate.
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OutlawR.O.C. said:
My condolences to you and yours.
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Like I said before, I was REALLY hoping she'd pull through. The part that made me feel bad, was my younger brother apologizing on her behalf. I felt bad that he felt he had to do that.
 
woodchuck said:
Well, she checked out today. I was being there for my younger brother. My oldest sister, who was one of the ones she fucked up, took it hard. Me and my other sister are both like, yeah, it sux, but what do you want us to do?
Click to expand...
I'm sorry you're going through that. Just be sure to stay in touch with your feelings, cause they can well up quickly, out of nowhere even after quite a bit of time has passed. You have my condolences.
 

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