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"Mom" is dying, and I don't know how to feel.

woodchuck said:
Yes, she did. She didn't care.
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Wow. Therapy is a good idea. Keep checking with yourself. If you find yourself tensing up or anxious, monitor your thoughts, ask yourself what you are thinking and feeling and if you are stressed, find some way to relieve it. It's easy to go off on folks during times like this and end up hurting someone who cares about you and then you'll feel guilty about that later.
 
Camille said:
Wow. Therapy is a good idea. Keep checking with yourself. If you find yourself tensing up or anxious, monitor your thoughts, ask yourself what you are thinking and feeling and if you are stressed, find some way to relieve it. It's easy to go off on folks during times like this and end up hurting someone who cares about you and then you'll feel guilty about that later.
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I've been in therapy for 4 years. I'm good. I got my family and people like y'all. :cool:
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
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Unlike the NFL draft, you can't pick your parents. The traumatic episodes some parents put on young kids, scar them for life. Very few people leave a hospice without being on a gurney. You said your piece, now let it be.
 
BigDaddyBuk said:
Once that ship sails, in never comes back to dock
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Why is that, tho?

Last weekend my cousin told me I have a problem with forgiveness. Got me thinking.. then I read this thread.

They know I don't talk to my mother. No matter how much I explain some of the shit that happened when I was young they seem to not understand. I think I'ma just stop engaging with them when they bring it up.

My cousin, their brother, was killed in April. I ain't go to the funeral because I know the people that I don't fuck with won't leave alone. They would've seen it as an opportunity to check my temp or see if my heart has softened. Hell nawl!

How do I know this? The night before the funeral we held a public candle lit vigil for him and everybody that I aint talked to in years wanna approach me. Tryna hug & shit. I had to move people hand off me asking for a hug. :smh: I said no and eventually had to take a walk.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
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I feel where you are coming from, from experience. My mother is still alive. While she did not abandon me and my siblings, she stayed and emotionally undercut all of us. She had no real boundaries, which is hell on a child.

When I became a Man, I heard the full story from my father, whom I partially blamed for not divorcing her.

But then again, she would of had sole custody of us and we would of been in worse condition.

I cut her off for years, after cussing her out and telling her about herself. I thought I cut her off, but was still running from her.

Not all therapists are created equal and a new therapist helped me understand fully what was going on with me, and my relationship to her.

With therapeutic help, I was able to confront her in a more constructive way (For myself) and continue developing.

I now have been seeing, emotionally as well as intellectually, where these issues I have had have been coming from. These emotional issues that guided my behavior.

I am still in the process, but with help she is less and less of an unconscious force in my life and on my journey.

I wish the same for you.
 
woodchuck said:
People don't truly realize the damage they do. My brother, whom I love dearly, ask about coming to the funeral and saying a word or two, I had to tell him, that I couldn't do that.
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If it's any consolation her lack of involvement and the pain it caused you seemed to ensure you and your siblings who also experienced it haven't passed it on to the next generation so your sacrifice was their gain.

If someone's capable of inflicting that type of pain when their absent imagine what she could have done of she was present.
 
True Real Info said:
I feel where you are coming from, from experience. My mother is still alive. While she did not abandon me and my siblings, she stayed and emotionally undercut all of us. She had no real boundaries, which is hell on a child.

When I became a Man, I heard the full story from my father, whom I partially blamed for not divorcing her.

But then again, she would of had sole custody of us and we would of been in worse condition.

I cut her off for years, after cussing her out and telling her about herself. I thought I cut her off, but was still running from her.

Not all therapists are created equal and a new therapist helped me understand fully what was going on with me, and my relationship to her.

With therapeutic help, I was able to confront her in a more constructive way (For myself) and continue developing.

I now have been seeing, emotionally as well as intellectually, where these issues I have had have been coming from. These emotional issues that guided my behavior.

I am still in the process, but with help she is less and less of an unconscious force in my life and on my journey.

I wish the same for you.
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The only thing I give her and my step-mom credit for, is they taught me how not to raise a child.
 
man I can’t even relate to this… my mom was my everything and even 4 years later I still get broke up around the holidays because that’s when everything happened.

went to the hospital the day after thanksgiving on 11/24

Passed away 2 days later on 11/26

buried on 12/2

the only thing I can think to relate this to is my dad. He left at an early age and I really don’t even know him. I didn’t even know he was alive until my grandmother mixed up letters she was sending us. She sent SPIDER JR (me) a letter that was meant for SPIDER SR (pops). Even as he’s gotten older, got 5 grandkids, retired…none of that has made him want to become actively involved in our lives. And there are days that I hate him for it… because I look at my kids and think NEVER would I abandon them… so if something were to happen to him I can’t say I wouldn’t be numb… my life was hell without him… all the while my 2 younger sisters lived in luxury by comparison… and he claims he doesn’t want to get too involved because he’s embarrassed… think we’ll not want him around… have some resentment towards him for his lack of involvement in our lives… and he’s probably right…but still… I can’t imagine that stopping me from wanting to see my kids…

I guess family ain’t always your FAMILY… and I think that’s alright and that there’s nothing wrong to not feel anything for a parent that had nothing to do with anything you have ever achieved in life or the person you’ve become…

and to be honest, her not being around or active in your life is probably the best thing that ever happened to you…
 
spider705 said:
man I can’t even relate to this… my mom was my everything and even 4 years later I still get broke up around the holidays because that’s when everything happened.

went to the hospital the day after thanksgiving on 11/24

Passed away 2 days later on 11/26

buried on 12/2

the only thing I can think to relate this to is my dad. He left at an early age and I really don’t even know him. I didn’t even know he was alive until my grandmother mixed up letters she was sending us. She sent SPIDER JR (me) a letter that was meant for SPIDER SR (pops). Even as he’s gotten older, got 5 grandkids, retired…none of that has made him want to become actively involved in our lives. And there are days that I hate him for it… because I look at my kids and think NEVER would I abandon them… so if something were to happen to him I can’t say I wouldn’t be numb… my life was hell without him… all the while my 2 younger sisters lived in luxury by comparison… and he claims he doesn’t want to get too involved because he’s embarrassed… think we’ll not want him around… have some resentment towards him for his lack of involvement in our lives… and he’s probably right…but still… I can’t imagine that stopping me from wanting to see my kids…

I guess family ain’t always your FAMILY… and I think that’s alright and that there’s nothing wrong to not feel anything for a parent that had nothing to do with anything you have ever achieved in life or the person you’ve become…

and to be honest, her not being around or active in your life is probably the best thing that ever happened to you…
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I get it. To this day, my pops is like a superhero to me. So, the way you feel about your mom, is how I feel about my pops. Having a fucked up parent is a strange dynamic.
 
woodchuck said:
I'm in therapy now, because of her.
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I didnt go to therapy for the shit my dad pulled.

But what i ended up doing is a result of therapy.

I realized that he fucked me up for 16 years then died leaving his legacy of mental bullshit for me to sift through.

Rather than only blaming the dead man (dont get me wrong, i absolutely blame him and him alone for his shit), i realized it was up to me to cancel all his ingrained abuse and fix everything he tore down.

I gave myself 16 years, and by the time i was 32 i could honestly say i had a grip on things. By that time i not only knew i WAS NOT all the things my dad led me to believe, i also knew i was twice the man he could ever be.

Now I'm older than he was when he passed. I am now his senior. I can now look at him as a man in his 30s and authoritatively tell him how much of an unmitigated asshole he was.

I aint angry or quick tempered anymore.

At this point i remember what he did, but i dont relive it.

I hope some of this long winded bullshit helps. :lol:
 
Sorry about your situation, really am. Like you said, no one can tell you how you feel but all I can say is, when it comes to family, forgiveness does a lot for you and your state of mind especially when she's about to leave this earth. My condolences in advance, hope you figure things out.
 
It’s so easy to hate non-family, but hating a family member cuts both way, it steals something from you (subconsciously). Sometimes you can not be thinking about it and out of no where you say “Fuck you”. Time don’t heal, you just get numb. Being numb is not a bad thing, it’s better then exploding on someone innocent. And then there’s always therapy.
 
GOLOPO said:
It’s so easy to hate non-family, but hating a family member cuts both way, it steals something from you (subconsciously). Sometimes you can not be thinking about it and out of no where you say “Fuck you”. Time don’t heal, you just get numb. Being numb is not a bad thing, it’s better then exploding on someone innocent. And then there’s always therapy.
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Well put!
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...

You don't owe her anything

That woman made her choices while she was alive.

There is no "right" answer on how to deal with this

The correct thing is the healthiest way for YOU.

But I understand your father's point

Uncle Chuck if it's possible if you can if you WANT...

Yeah tell your mother (only in the most literal sense) goodbye

More for your Dad than anything.

But no one could or should expect you to hurt yourself just to make some empty show of dishonesty to placate her and others.

As a human to another human you should recognize her eminent death, her pain and the pain your half siblings and father feel

No one can ask for anything else but condolences on their behalf.

Whatever you decide just be sure to consider your health and well being FIRST.

It is not being selfish - it's just taking care of yourself first.

Which is always right.

Sorry your going through this brother.
 
GOLOPO said:
It’s so easy to hate non-family, but hating a family member cuts both way, it steals something from you (subconsciously). Sometimes you can not be thinking about it and out of no where you say “Fuck you”. Time don’t heal, you just get numb. Being numb is not a bad thing, it’s better then exploding on someone innocent. And then there’s always therapy.
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I really hope you fully understand just how well stated and honest this post is

Thank you bro.
 
I wanted the ask...

When you have such a difficult and damaging relationship with a parent

And they die

Do you still pay for the funeral?

Do you attend the funeral?

Do you give the eulogy?
 
playahaitian said:
I wanted the ask...

When you have such a difficult and damaging relationship with a parent

And they die

Do you still pay for the funeral?

Do you attend the funeral?

Do you give the eulogy?
Click to expand...
I can't speak for others, but as for me, no to all of the above.
 
Great ongoing discussion, everyone.

It's amazing the impact people have on our lives. Whether it's through being a shitty constant source or presence, or the opposite ...being absent and leaving us to fend for ourselves in this fucked up world.

Family dynamics are so complex. Got some relatives I haven't seen in nearly 30 years. Some others who I'm on good terms with who have always been "around" and local ... but at arm's length. Never, ever close.
 
Sorry for your loss. If somewhere down the road you find yourself tearing up, let it happen. there's relief in dealing with mixed feelings as well.
 
GOLOPO said:
It’s so easy to hate non-family, but hating a family member cuts both way, it steals something from you (subconsciously). Sometimes you can not be thinking about it and out of no where you say “Fuck you”. Time don’t heal, you just get numb. Being numb is not a bad thing, it’s better then exploding on someone innocent. And then there’s always therapy.
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What’s you’re saying’s correct, but one has to factor in why they hate that family member.

My Dad always said “Nobody will fuck you like family”…

That cuts deep and will have you not fucking with people for life. Because family’s supposed to have you back, they’re not supposed to treat you or fuck you over like a stranger.

So once that happens they hate’s deep and harder get over.
 
DWBass said:
I can emphasize a little bit. My dad abandoned me and my brother and when he died, the hospital called us! I was like 'why the fuck they calling us'? I had zero feelings about him. We ended up having to prepare for his funeral, filing his insurance, emptying his apartment and collecting his belongings. What a shit show.
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Why?
 

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