"Mom" is dying, and I don't know how to feel.

[DWBass]

I can emphasize a little bit. My dad abandoned me and my brother and when he died, the hospital called us! I was like 'why the fuck they calling us'? I had zero feelings about him. We ended up having to prepare for his funeral, filing his insurance, emptying his apartment and collecting his belongings. What a shit show.

 

[World B Free]

Titles are just titles; it's really about how someone made you feel. If your mother made you feel a certain way then that is your truth. There is no way to sugarcoat that. I would pay respect to her by going to the funeral, but don't expect me to sob uncontrollably over the open coffin.

 

[william busa]

There are MANY children that go thru this. They usually try to connect to a disconnected parent and end up being disappointed and heartbroken. I know I would probably feel the way you do. But the way I'm built, I would have some deep regrets about not having a mom in my life that would make me cling to my children even harder than I do now. It's usually the dad that abandons the family. It's crazy when you hear that the mom left. That shit just aint natural.

 

[Entrepronegro]

You know what the old saying is "what goes around come around" I'm just gonna leave it at that.

 

[man-machine]

Grief is a very complex emotional response to loss. It has been said the amount and intensity of grief you experience are dependent on the bond and the type of relationship you have with the deceased or soon-to-be deceased. Having said all that, your response here is standard. You can't feel the loss for something you never had. Feel how you feel and keep it moving.

 

[Tha Baldavenger]

Tough position, though she didn't provide emotional support, she did give you life. Hopefully you were able to create a bond with your siblings. God bless either way.

 

[Tito_Jackson]

On both sides of my family, I'm known as the "peace keeper." Parent and children relationships can be difficult. I can tell by your words that you still harbor much resentment and angst towards the woman who birthed you. I can also tell you that in most instances, you can't hate what you didn't love or want to love. You still love her or want to be loved by her. This is where the hurt is coming from.

First, find another therapist. He or she should have conveyed to you that forgiveness is not for them, it's for you. All of that negative energy effects your life in so many ways. You have to figure out a way to let it go. Believe it or not, it will continue to affect all of your other relationships.

And yes she is your mother, but she is also a fallible human being. All people have things they have done that regret. From the sound of it, she realizes this. You may or may not have time to talk with her about the decisions she made. But you do have time to purge yourself of the hurt so that you can release that negative energy from your mind, body, and soul.

Peace

 

[34real]

-No one can tell you how to feel about anything concerning her
-I've known a few people who have dealt with this type of situation and most handled it in the right by just making sure she was buried decent and they let the other siblings battle over who would get what which divided them and they still lost everything anyways.
-I would tell you to feel how you feel,pay your respect how you think you should and let that hurt you suffered be buried or burned right where she is....live your life cause that's what you're here for.

Opinions don't matter cause it's you that have to rest at night but don't live with regrets when it comes to her.

 

[Mr.Chuckles]

It be like that sometime

 

[Pimpslap Slim]

What ever you decide during this time is what you gotta live with.
No do overs.
Let peace and truth be your guide and move accordingly.

 

[trstar]

This is a tough situation, I am struggling to offer up any value added comments

 

[scullydog]

@Camille , to be honest, I seriously don't know if I can do that. True story: The FIRST time she ever met her grandson (my youngest), was when she was slamming the door in our faces on Thanksgiving. My son teared up. Not for himself, but for me. She was TRULY a piece of shit. I don't think us 3 can do that, and we're definitely not going to the funeral. She REALLY fucked us up! Fortunately, our lives turned out pretty good.
[/QUOTE

Bruh, I hope this isn't a shitty response, but i'm with the philosophical shit this morning. Forgive her, let it go, and move on. You don't have to go to the funeral but do give her an opportunity to apologize. She knows she was wrong with how she treated you. I think I said this on here once before, you don't know what she went through as a child. Further, the shit you went through with her might go back two or three lifetimes ago. Shit is that deep. What we are doing in this life is letting GOD have an experience in the physical. All that we go through is an upliftment of GOD. I will use the word it right here. It can not experience the physical because it is the ultimate creator. And, we are all made from it, thus, we are apart of GOD and are GOD in a sense. So, forgive her, and understand her journey. Because of her, you are better for it, so respect the game in which we play. As Shakespeare relates to us, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

 

[PsiBorg]

Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.

I know exactly how you feel. We went through the same thing, but it was our father.

Feel how you want to feel. Don't let people force you into doing something that you really don't want to do. When my father was sick, we didn't go see him. When he died, we didn't attend his funeral. My half brother and sister attended, but he was "Dad" to them. He wasn't that to my sister and myself.

He was a guy that we knew. We knew he was our biological father... but, he wasn't our "Daddy."

No matter what, be strong and be you, Bruh. Don't let anyone guilt you into anything.

 

[KoolJay]

Whoa....
I pray you can find forgiveness in your Soul and not let this haunt you till your last days.

 

[Mack1052]

Moms or not..

You eventually gotta let that hate/distain/anger go because in the long run it really only effects you.

Hope you find solace in whatever path you take brother

 

[ebone84]

Go to the funeral help out and be respectful ...For your own blessings.. seems as if she went through something with the first set of kids and she tried to redeem herself with the second set of kids .... I have a daughter that acts like I ain’t done shit for her and that’s totally opposite of the truth .... you and your siblings take the highroad united front ... Leave all that she ain’t done shit for you And wasn’t shit in the grave with her..... 2cents

 

[killagram]

Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.

Don't feel...don't go..she been dead... brah

 

[donhustle]

Someone close to me just cut both of their parents off and they deserved it.Why should you give fake praise to someone who treated you like shit? I bet who ever came up with you shouldn't be mean like that,was a guilty party.

 

[RUDY RAYYY MO]

I feel you bruh. My pops wasn't around as a kid mofo wouldn't even call or send a card on my birthday we connected 10 years ago and stayed in touch, then last year he went ghost again. When I tell my step sis fuck that negro she capes for him cause he was more involved with her

I understand your feelings, cause sometimes I don't know how I'd react if he passes. Don't stress over things you can't control, focus on your fam and stay strong

 

[dHustla]

On both sides of my family, I'm known as the "peace keeper." Parent and children relationships can be difficult. I can tell by your words that you still harbor much resentment and angst towards the woman who birthed you. I can also tell you that in most instances, you can't hate what you didn't love or want to love. You still love her or want to be loved by her. This is where the hurt is coming from.

First, find another therapist. He or she should have conveyed to you that forgiveness is not for them, it's for you. All of that negative energy effects your life in so many ways. You have to figure out a way to let it go. Believe it or not, it will continue to affect all of your other relationships.

And yes she is your mother, but she is also a fallible human being. All people have things they have done that regret. From the sound of it, she realizes this. You may or may not have time to talk with her about the decisions she made. But you do have time to purge yourself of the hurt so that you can release that negative energy from your mind, body, and soul.

Peace

I didn't get that he hates her. From what he posted it seems like he just doesn't appreciate her, which is more her doing than his.

What's to forgive? She was only being who she is. I posit that the best thing someone can do for you is show you who they are.
He doesn't owe her forgiveness, She owes herself forgiveness.

What negative energy?

 

[Gazoo]

Sorry about your mom's. Sorry I'm late to this table.

My question is, how is your relationship with the younger siblings? Gotta respect their view and grief. They could look at you badly for years. Put on an adult show bruh. You can't get revenge on your mother at this stage, but you can have a life long great relationship with the rest of the family.

 

[slewdem100]

That's a tough one Boss...only thing I can say is go with your heart and don't let anyone guilt you into anything....anybody trying to guilt you into something is not showing respect to your feelings

 

[woodchuck]

I appreciate the kind words, but I want you guys to understand something, I don't hate her at all, I just don't rock with her. I actually hoped she'd recover, but she's still not one of my favorite people. As for the younger siblings, I'm close to one of them. The other 2 can eat a bucket of dicks.

 

[dHustla]

I appreciate the kind words, but I want you guys to understand something, I don't hate her at all, I just don't rock with her. I actually hoped she'd recover, but she's still not one of my favorite people. As for the younger siblings, I'm close to one of them. The other 2 can eat a bucket of dicks.

I can relate. It is what it is.

We have to do what's best for us, mentally, emotionally, psychologically.

 

[dolemite73]

This touched me as I have a similar issue with my mother. She gave me and my 3 brothers up for adoption when I was 4 years old. My grandmother (my dad’s mom) wanted us, but she gave us all up anyway. My grandmother was able to get me and my two younger brothers. The oldest brother was adopted by another family (and went through hell). I did not see my mother again until I was 21 years old. She lived 90 miles from us and always had the ability to contact us or my grandmother, but she never did.

She tried making amends to us by caring for my grandmother when she was in hospice and dying of cancer. She also took care of my dad until he passed in 2017. But regardless of that, her sons just don’t have that close mother/son relationship that we had with our grandmother. I am the closest one to her and have forgiven her for how she abandoned us, but I just will never have that close relationship with her. When she passes, I will be there for my younger sisters and will pay for the funeral, but feel sad and mourn? I doubt it.

My condolences, fam. This is a tough situation to be in. You do what’s best for you. Seriously.

 

[Mrfreddygoodbud]

Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.

Hey anybody could be a moms, but only a select few can truly be a MOTHER... a moms is just vessel that a soul manifest through.

A mother IS A NURTURER, and WISDOM of the family..

you have every right to feel the way you do about your moms, sure you never forget, because thats history,

but if you want to truly liberate yourself.. from her devasting decisions that impacted you and your siblings..

truly forgive her, and then let it go, everybody gets whats coming to them.

She will be back again and she will know what its like to be abandoned.. but thats not for you to worry about..

to truly let go and feel empowered by this who experience you endured.. forgive her before you let her go,

and watch how much weight that shit takes off you...

You aint feeling nothing wrong tho....!

 

[yasky777]

Forgive her, forgive yourself and keep pushing.

 

[Camille]

I appreciate the kind words, but I want you guys to understand something, I don't hate her at all, I just don't rock with her. I actually hoped she'd recover, but she's still not one of my favorite people. As for the younger siblings, I'm close to one of them. The other 2 can eat a bucket of dicks.

Just be careful. Initially you said you were numb, and that's usually a self defense mechanism designed to protect yourself from feeling and strong emotions and dealing with overwhelming situations. You may feel more strongly about this than you realize at the moment, and that can take you off guard later.

 

[dtownsfinest]

I mean I have a similar relationship with my pops.....I can't even imagine having that with my mom but with my dad....as I get older I feel like i'm starting to understand why he did some of the shit he did. Not that I agree with it but how he raised me showed me how I wanted to raise my kids and its the complete opposite.

But my pops isn't sick and so me trying to mend that relationship and get over that trauma....its diferent than you never being able to.

You don't want any advice but I don't blame you. Fuck it. Its your life. I feel like as a parent if you didn't give a fuck when you were well and active then you shouldn't give a fuck when you are on your dying bed.

Ultimately its about what's best for you. For some they may that regret down the road they didn't spend that last moment that you'll never get back. You seem to be over that shit so fuck it. Everyone gonna have a opinion but you got your own family and your own well being to worry about.

 

[dtownsfinest]

Forgive her, forgive yourself and keep pushing.

Forgive himself for what?

 

[yasky777]

Forgive himself for what?

Whatever guilt or natural feeling of hatred/disdain regret he has towards his Mom and their relationship.

 

[big enos burrnet]

listen i grew up and still know folks over 40 yrs that mama was the root of all evil....for years i have watch what they went thur and all i can
tell you is its gone to be ruff for you stay busy/keep yo mind busy,,cause what i have seen if you keep thinking and talking about rage and anger
is all i see from them...mama dead and gone and they are still struggling with remembering a few good times and the rest is them cussing her
soul....

 

[Tito_Jackson]

I didn't get that he hates her. From what he posted it seems like he just doesn't appreciate her, which is more her doing than his.

What's to forgive? She was only being who she is. I posit that the best thing someone can do for you is show you who they are.
He doesn't owe her forgiveness, She owes herself forgiveness.

What negative energy?

My G, he called his mother a piece of shit.

That's not negative energy?

He said fuck his two other siblings.

That's not negative energy?

As I said before, forgiveness is not for the other person it is for you.

 

[Bumpee]

Damn, this sounds a lot like my Mom's situation when she was growing up. She was the oldest, her and my uncle (2nd oldest) were raised by their grandparents. The other 3 children (aunt, 2 uncles) grew up with their Mother in the house. So my Moms still feels a way about it. My grandmother has since passed, but my Mom still refers to her as Thelma. It was always weird to me, but I certainly can't tell her how she should feel. And I'm sure it's been said already, but your feelings are yours alone. Fuck letting anyone else tell you what to do with them.

 

[Mello Mello]

I have to respectfully disagree.

Based off of what he's said she'd have no desire to hear what he has to say if she's even able to hear it considering she's in hospice.

She is more than likely aware of their relationship and how she treated them yet chose to not address it or reconcile with them.

Also, I'm not a believer in the bed side apologies and request for forgiveness.

If you're re aware of what you've and yet don't try to make amends until you're on your death bed then that's more about you and your guilt or fear of the after life then it is of righting your wrongs.

Your seeing it from her perspective.

I’m saying from his perspective.

It’s about him getting the things he hasn’t told her off his chest before she passes or leave it unsaid.

Him going to her bedside is about him saying his piece before she dies.

I said NOTHING of bedside apologies. But if she offers one then he is well deserving of it and nothing is wrong with him hearing one if he accepts it or not.

If she is making any request for her children to be present at her death bed she must accept the good and the bad that comes with it, she is a still accountable until death.

 

[shamone]

Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.

i know a dude who mother did the same to him.her sister raised him. on her death bed she asked to see him after all those years of abandoning him. He was like nah. he never went to see her on her death bed.