Why Black Men ARE REFUSING to Play Step DADDY!

[Snyckerbar76]

My perspective (I can only speak from what I have experienced):

There are some causes of single parenthood that are not under our control (death of spouse, etc.), but I am looking forward to the day when we start addressing the correctable causes of single parenthood. For fun, I'll call them the "Seven Deadly Ends" (of good relationships between men and women).

For us guys:
1. Inability to form and maintain successful relationships,
2. Emotional immaturity,
3. Inability to see women as having no value other than as a possible sexual conquest or caregiver,
4. Deep insecurity (often manifests as being verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive)
5. Inability to determine individual definition of manhood apart from social/ cultural pressures or reinforced prejudices.
6. Limited/ absent understanding of role as emotional caregiver for woman
7. Male tendency to form self identity based solely on the size of his bank account and assets OR accumulated, shiny liabilities (such as cars, shoes, clothes, etc.)

FYI: To some degree, I am (or have been) guilty of all seven of these issues in my life.

For women:

1. Inability to form and maintain successful relationships,
2. Emotional immaturity,
3. Inability to trust,
4. Inability to be vulnerable/ allow someone to help them manage the stresses they carry/ ask for help,
5. (for smart women) Inability to stop worrying about the next possible failure/ Inability to stop taking ownership of other people's shortcomings.
6. Shared/taught perception of Black men primarily as sperm donors without any expectation, understanding or example of men who are excellent sources of emotional support.
7. Inability to maintain positive self image (admittedly difficult in the age of Instagram and sponsorship).




For my Colin Powell family:

TLDR: We need more of this:

So we make less of this:

 

[tallblacknyc]

My perspective (I can only speak from what I have experienced):

There are some causes of single parenthood that are not under our control (death of spouse, etc.), but I am looking forward to the day when we start addressing the correctable causes of single parenthood. For fun, I'll call them the "Seven Deadly Ends" (of good relationships between men and women).

For us guys:
1. Inability to form and maintain successful relationships,
2. Emotional immaturity,
3. Inability to see women as having no value other than as a possible sexual conquest or caregiver,
4. Deep insecurity (often manifests as being verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive)
5. Inability to determine individual definition of manhood apart from social/ cultural pressures or reinforced prejudices.
6. Limited/ absent understanding of role as emotional caregiver for woman
7. Male tendency to form self identity based solely on ability to provide on the size of bank account/ assets or accumulated, shiny liabilities such as cars, shoes, clothes, etc.

FYI: To some degree, I am (or have been) guilty of all seven of these issues in my life.

For women:

1. Inability to form and maintain successful relationships,
2. Emotional immaturity,
3. Inability to trust,
4. Inability to be vulnerable/ allow someone to help them manage the stresses they carry/ ask for help,
5. (for smart women) Inability to stop worrying about the next possible failure/ Inability to stop taking ownership of other people's shortcomings.
6. Shared/taught perception of Black men primarily as sperm donors with expectation, understanding or example of men who are excellent sources of emotional support.
7. Inability to maintain positive self image (admittedly difficult in the age of Instagram and sponsorship).




For my Colin Powell family:

TLDR: We need more of this:

So we make less of this:

Sometime people grow apart and that's why their situation causes separation...some times kids were formed during the relationship and obviously one side has to get them..in which creates a single parent household

 

[Duece]

 

[bigman23]

Because they have their own kids and responsibility to deal with

 

[Joe Money]

 

[spider705]

Thought y'all was talking about this bullshit post I just saw on IG

 

[scullydog]

Man, this mofo was deep. Yet, I want to add to the fray. Most of you are right. We have given women the title of weaker sex and she has used it to her advantage. She will shame you, blame you and claim you, if it gets her what she wants. Someone to take care of her seed. Don't matter who it is, its what she is built for. Now, it doesn't make you less than a man if you don't do it. Hell, it makes you a smart man. So, let's put this shit into perspective. All of you saying that single men ain't men because he won't take care of another man's baby, then ask the mother of the male or female child would she want her children doing the same. Shit, she will say hell no, and will put her foot in anybody's ass that would suggest it. I been down this road too many times. When I was younger, I would date women with kids, but someone hipped me up to the bullshit. I started asking the women I was dating that shit. They would get fighting mad for even suggesting some shit like that. So, I say, brothers, if you are single and childless, find a woman without children. Because even when you find one and you think you love her, after you marry her, its a whole different ballgame. It is a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation. So, I would suggest having the easiest time you can have, starting your own family. Because, you gonna have some problems, depends on how you take it.

 

[scullydog]

Man, this mofo was deep. Yet, I want to add to the fray. Most of you are right. We have given women the title of weaker sex and she has used it to her advantage. She will shame you, blame you and claim you, if it gets her what she wants. Someone to take care of her seed. Don't matter who it is, its what she is built for. Now, it doesn't make you less than a man if you don't do it. Hell, it makes you a smart man. So, let's put this shit into perspective. All of you saying that single men ain't men because he won't take care of another man's baby, then ask the mother of the male or female child would she want her children doing the same. Shit, she will say hell no, and will put her foot in anybody's ass that would suggest it. I been down this road too many times. When I was younger, I would date women with kids, but someone hipped me up to the bullshit. I started asking the women I was dating that shit. They would get fighting mad for even suggesting some shit like that. So, I say, brothers, if you are single and childless, find a woman without children. Because even when you find one and you think you love her, after you marry her, its a whole different ballgame. It is a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation. So, I would suggest having the easiest time you can have, starting your own family. Because, you gonna have some problems, depends on how you take it.

 

[ShortyCumStain]

Not my kid, not my prollum. Especially since I'ont have no churn.

 

[Joe Money]

what a stupid fucking post
im no tough guy, but i'd be tempted to punch you on the chin if you said that shit around me

Thank you for being an example to what I was talking about. Shaming language in full effect here.
This is the type of social conditioning of which I was speaking.
A man is not defined by his willingness to be a utility for a woman's needs. This is just what you and many others have been conditioned to believe.
You have been taught that your usefulness in society depends on how willing you are to be a utility for the collective. To a certain extent, this is true, however, there is no rule that says that your existence has to be spent being a tool for the collective. Many women are very hive-minded and shaming tactics are some of their most powerful tools in the manipulation of men and each other. Once you learn that these tactics are deployed because their effectiveness rests greatly on how well they can convince you to benefit them, then you realize that the matrix depends on willing participants.
These dehumanization tactics (i.e., "you're not a real man if you don't...) serve to keep you in line as a utility in order to keep the collective functioning and devoid of agency of actions when things don't go right or well. You're not a man if you don't do what you're told and if what you're doing isn't up to levels of expectancy, then you're not manning up hard enough. Control tactics. Nothing more.
Does a crown make you a king? According to them, it does. Women defining the parameters of manhood while simultaneously claiming oppression is one of the greatest manipulation hustles in our history. Only suckers buy into that but...suckers are needed to keep the machine running because the collective is scared to find out what happens if it breaks down.

Not my kid, not my prollum. Especially since I'ont have no churn.

Listen and learn niggas!!!

 

[spider705]

Listen and learn niggas!!!

In the comments:

 

[gw1933]

Some of these single moms are a trip. When men express their preference in not dating them, they try to run the guilt trip and say things like "You probably who only dates white girls", "you not a real man if you cant take on another man's kid", "you must be gay", etc.....................

Instead of accepting the fact that there are men who dont prefer them, they go off on a delusional tangent a create false justifications to why they wouldnt date the man to begin with...

Im not throwing any salt on the dudes who are happy in a relationship with a single mom, if you like it I love it......But as for me personally, I work too hard to settle for not building my legacy from scratch.

 

[shaddyvillethug]

ya

*two cents*

who is this???

 

[Texas Catdaddy]

In the comments:

Gotdammit I was thinking the same shyt .....

 

[BaseballKid]

Exactly. Seems when a black man has sex responsibly he still gets guilt tripped into cleaning up someone else's mess. Some of these women should just say "thank you for being responsible with your shit. I wish I had done the same". They would get a lot more respect from me if they did.

Exactly! A lot of Sisters are quick to say "What's wrong with you?" when you don't have any kids, especially by a certain age. You be like, I use the head between my shoulders, well before I use the one between my legs!

 

[Naha-Nago]

ya

who is this???

Ricky Watters.

*two cents*

 

[Joe Money]

Some of these single moms are a trip. When men express their preference in not dating them, they try to run the guilt trip and say things like "You probably who only dates white girls", "you not a real man if you cant take on another man's kid", "you must be gay", etc.....................

Instead of accepting the fact that there are men who dont prefer them, they go off on a delusional tangent a create false justifications to why they wouldnt date the man to begin with...

Im not throwing any salt on the dudes who are happy in a relationship with a single mom, if you like it I love it......But as for me personally, I work too hard to settle for not building my legacy from scratch.

Exactly! A lot of Sisters are quick to say "What's wrong with you?" when you don't have any kids, especially by a certain age. You be like, I use the head between my shoulders, well before I use the one between my legs!

 

[hardawayz16]

Exactly. Seems when a black man has sex responsibly he still gets guilt tripped into cleaning up someone else's mess. Some of these women should just say "thank you for being responsible with your shit. I wish I had done the same". They would get a lot more respect from me if they did.

Holdup....you niggas think you deserve a pat on the back for not having kids?

 

[CPT Callamity]

Some of these single moms are a trip. When men express their preference in not dating them, they try to run the guilt trip and say things like "You probably who only dates white girls", "you not a real man if you cant take on another man's kid", "you must be gay", etc.....................

Instead of accepting the fact that there are men who dont prefer them, they go off on a delusional tangent a create false justifications to why they wouldnt date the man to begin with...

Im not throwing any salt on the dudes who are happy in a relationship with a single mom, if you like it I love it......But as for me personally, I work too hard to settle for not building my legacy from scratch.

I remember a few jobs back I was talking to this chick on my job. We are cool now but she had two kids at the time (one a newborn) and I straight up told her to her face I didn't date women with kids. We got into an hour long discussion about it but at the end, she respected the fact that I said what I felt. We remained cool and still flirted a little after that but that's about it. Fuck getting shamed out of that. I've been dealing with single moms since the age of 17...you get tired of that shit eventually.

 

[Mrfreddygoodbud]

Holdup....you niggas think you deserve a pat on the back for not having kids?

Bow down to the pull out

God

You measly mortal

 

[bgbtylvr]

Listen and learn niggas!!!

She is at the highest level of ain’tshittery imagineable.
Hoes are the most arrogant I’ve ever seen these days. Ain’t shit and blindly looking past it or making it an asset to their worth.
Once a Bitch sucks her teeth or does that finger jab thing it’s white noise from that point.

 

[Entrepronegro]

Another thread about knocking black women.

I thank God I never had this issue, but who's leaving these black women with this kids that supposedly need a step-dad??? Black MEN.

It's times like this I hate yall because we keep shifting blame when some of you very niggas that take this stance are the ones that left or deny your own and kids are not taking care of what you left behind. Do your part and no one would have to STEP in.

Black women need to choose better men to have kids with, it's not just black men fault, it's black women fault as well.

 

[shaddyvillethug]

I did what I was supposed to do and wanted.

We had ther girls at an early age, we got married young(19&18)

I joined service cause I know it could help us and me with goals I put up( home ownership, good career, financially stable). I got theses goals in my mid 20s.

But it didn’t matter cause I was missing the family I did it for.

I took the words “ till death do us part” seriously. Then in a few moments out of fear she left.

I wasn’t perfect, I would be verbally abusive at times and only once did I ever grab her.

Before she left I set my pride aside and took some counselin, I was willin to work it out.

While I’m in nc and her in Houston, she fed me the whole “ we will work this out, I love you, just need time”

I go on vacation, my bro comes to the base. Says I have to show you something before you get home.

My youngest birthday party and her mom my wife preg like 7 or 8 months big.

The push happened in feb of 2001, she left for Texas in April.

My daughter party was may 2002

Do the math, I was bein lied to the whole time.

I’m out here on fuckin deployments, my family didn’t say anything to me cause they knew I was deployed.

Her mom( rest in shit ) lyin too, I’d call her home and bitch lied.

I have this family shit goin on, my friends who would die for me comin back in sealed caskets cause all they found were feet in boots and other bones. Plus the shit I put up with in Cuba at the prison camp.

I was humiliated by her and her family.

Then yrs later I find ms. Sneed and I’m good.

Never once did I take women around my daughters, but their mom has the nerve to tell me don’t be tellin the girls about your girls friends.

Bitch fuck you, I hung up.

I passed on a ton of females with kids, I’d ask you got kids. If yes, you was just a fuck and sacrifice for zod.

I ain’t no family mechanic, here to fix your salvaged broken family.

Ms. Sneed, no kids. Makes more than I do. Does what I won’t do, step parent. But more like a big sis to them.

Damn you was a mark

 

[shaddyvillethug]

Ricky Watters.

*two cents*

What he do

 

[Joe Money]

I remember a few jobs back I was talking to this chick on my job. We are cool now but she had two kids at the time (one a newborn) and I straight up told her to her face I didn't date women with kids. We got into an hour long discussion about it but at the end, she respected the fact that I said what I felt. We remained cool and still flirted a little after that but that's about it. Fuck get shamed out of that. I've been dealing with single moms since the age of 17...you get tired of that shit eventually.

She is at the highest level of ain’tshittery imagineable.
Hoes are the most arrogant I’ve ever seen these days. Ain’t shit and blindly looking past it or making it an asset to their worth.
Once a Bitch sucks her teeth or does that digger thing it’s white noise from that point.

 

[yureeka9]

Holdup....you niggas think you deserve a pat on the back for not having kids?

Naw we deserve props for being responsible and not contributing to the biggest problem in the black community today.

 

[Mt. Yukon]

Ricky Watters.

*two cents*

Shady must be young to not know where that quote come from...

 

[shaddyvillethug]

Shady must be young to not know where that quote come from...

I just remember hearing his name in a ross verse


Annnnnnnnd a coupl years ago dr truth said his name but I didn’t know what he was talking about


EDIT it was Lawerence phillips

 

[jam hunk]

I am a step-father and under the umbrella of anonymity in this forum I can truly say that if I had to do this again I would keep walking. I know the thread says black father but this issue impacts any man in any culture in any space who becomes a step father. I got married to this woman and I did right by her and her daughter raising her as my own. But reading the comments here I agree with so many of them.

1. A baby father who still has interest in just sleeping with the woman
2. Interest in the child is only to get to the mother
3. The mothers family who don't accept you and favor a deadbeat father (crab mentality)
4. Threats (very real)
5. Accused of child abuse and child molestation - a very real issue as this is used as a weapon to fuck you up. How do you defend against that?
6. No thanks all around
7. Impact to any kids you have with that woman.
8. Disrespect from the step-child
9. No laws to protect or aid a step parents
10 Do not mention a custody case, your ass is open to scrutiny by all and sundry
11. A drain on your dreams and financial resources.

I have cut my step daughter off, at 20 years old living with your boyfriend why did she feel the need to take her mother to court for child support? (New York yep its 21) She is working he is working. Got my wife an attorney who ripped her to shreds (Yes I am an asshole) in court. I dropped paying for her
1. Car insurance
2. Car payment
3. Cellphone
4. Health bills (expenses outside of health insurance
5. Health insurance
6. College tuition and books - yes I told you I'm an asshole - 1 class a semester for three years doesn't seem like she is motivated, maybe I didn't do enough

I could say a lot more here but I'm in venting mode and now planning a vacation.

 

[hardawayz16]

Naw we deserve props for being responsible and not contributing to the biggest problem in the black community today.

LOL no you don't.

Congrats, you use condoms.


Is the bar this low for us?

 

[Texas Catdaddy]

I am a step-father and under the umbrella of anonymity in this forum I can truly say that if I had to do this again I would keep walking. I know the thread says black father but this issue impacts any man in any culture in any space who becomes a step father. I got married to this woman and I did right by her and her daughter raising her as my own. But reading the comments here I agree with so many of them.

1. A baby father who still has interest in just sleeping with the woman
2. Interest in the child is only to get to the mother
3. The mothers family who don't accept you and favor a deadbeat father (crab mentality)
4. Threats (very real)
5. Accused of child abuse and child molestation - a very real issue as this is used as a weapon to fuck you up. How do you defend against that?
6. No thanks all around
7. Impact to any kids you have with that woman.
8. Disrespect from the step-child
9. No laws to protect or aid a step parents
10 Do not mention a custody case, your ass is open to scrutiny by all and sundry
11. A drain on your dreams and financial resources.

I have cut my step daughter off, at 20 years old living with your boyfriend why did she feel the need to take her mother to court for child support? (New York yep its 21) She is working he is working. Got my wife an attorney who ripped her to shreds (Yes I am an asshole) in court. I dropped paying for her
1. Car insurance
2. Car payment
3. Cellphone
4. Health bills (expenses outside of health insurance
5. Health insurance
6. College tuition and books - yes I told you I'm an asshole - 1 class a semester for three years doesn't seem like she is motivated, maybe I didn't do enough

I could say a lot more here but I'm in venting mode and now planning a vacation.

So wait, the marriage cool the kid just on some shyt .....

 

[yureeka9]

LOL no you don't.

Congrats, you use condoms.


Is the bar this low for us?

You must be part of the problem...

 

[hardawayz16]

You must be part of the problem...

No I actually married my wife then had children, which technically puts me ahead of you in the self righteous awards line

 

[spider705]

Gotdammit I was thinking the same shyt .....

She thought she was saying some real fly shit...

I'm like, how the fuck imma closely hear you ma'am??

 

[Bawse Nigguh]

I have a serious question: Is it really that hard to avoid single moms? I mean I understand there are a lot of them in the dating pool, but if you stick to your guns, The shit is not really that hard. I have been dating a looooong time and I have come up on some bad chicks. And I mean it pissed me off to break of the pursuit of some of them when I found out they had another mans problem. If you dont care she has kids cool, but it really is not that hard of a hurdle to get over. If anything, I have found so many women who cant have kids because of my selective process. So no pullout all day