My dabble into Fantasy Writing: The Shield Of the Gods

:giggle:

Have you written anything before bro. Articles, books, scripts?

Yeah... I'm a hack though. Those who can't do? Teach and talk sh*t.

But for some odd reason writers trust me to read and comment and critique their work for years I mean since way back in college.

Thesis, papers, articles, scripts, Manuscripts, technical, songs etc you name it. And I had a really great streak most of that stuff (the good ones) got published and won awards. I've been thanked in a few stuff.

But I don't do that anymore. People are way too sensitive. Ahem case in point :lol:

I lost too many friends off that. I have one brother on here who is just special so i make an exception and a very very short list of others.
 
Yeah... I'm a hack though. Those who can't do? Teach and talk sh*t.

But for some odd reason writers trust me to read and comment and critique their work for years I mean since way back in college.

Thesis, papers, articles, scripts, Manuscripts, technical, songs etc you name it. And I had a really great streak most of that stuff (the good ones) got published and won awards. I've been thanked in a few stuff.

But I don't do that anymore. People are way too sensitive. Ahem case in point :lol:

I lost too many friends off that. I have one brother on here who is just special so i make an exception and a very very short list of others.

I'm not sensitive bro. Wouldn't post or comment on BGOL if I was. These muhfugguhs are treacherous on this board.

I've done stand up comedy for a while. Def can't have thin skin for that. I recommend it highly.
 
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Me, @godofwine and a few others were trying to get a writers thread going but nobody were interested. We would write a short story and the members would vote to see,who had the best story..This was around 2008 or 2009.
We had a few good contests. It was actually those contests that got me to believe that I could actually write. Folks truly encouraged me.

I hope to start an anthology of erotic fiction novels starting later on this year starting with Side Piece- Naughty Nurse Chronicles Volume 1. It's already completed, I'm just editing it now.

I'm trying to decide on what pseudonym I want to use because I don't want any confusion when I come out with my legitimate stuff. I don't want them to treat me the way they treated Eddie Murphy when he did Dreamgirls

"He's not an actor, he's a comedian."

"He did Norbit"

I don't want

"That's that smut writer"

Basically I don't want to be pigeonholed

But O.P., one thing I will tell you and I learned this from posting here on BGOL, WRITE SMALLER PARAGRAPHS

Colin Powell is a real ass thing. If peoples' eyes lose focus and lose their place too many times they will stop reading your shit

Write 3-5 sentences, even if the person talking is preaching or making a speech.

If you break it up, even if you have a lot to say it doesn't SEEM like a lot. But if it's all jumbled together it seems like too much to read.

Good luck though.
 
Thanks. Good to hear this kind of feedback. and I really hope I can pull it off. Not too many brothers are involved in Fantasy writing or Sci-Fi. we need to represent. Show them that we have an equal imaginative mind.

You need to do this. You done most of the heavy lifting. Don't write specifically to screen but PLEASE keep it in mind. Just be cognizant of the visuals.

Go back to that church scene

Add colors smells go sensory cause that leads to sensuous

How does he look how does she look how does the wood from the pew feel on her bare thighs while she is eagerly reluctant to his penitrative digits. Is his hand like a spider or a snake or her first lover is she is being silent does she think of how she is offering herself on this alter is much like how she willingly sacrificed her daughters... just stuff like that. Don't hand hold but make sure it's on the page. For the reader to have the necessary to infer and imagine.

Also consider writing this genre for children... printing money.
 
I'm not sensitive bro. Wouldn't post or comment on BGOL if I was. These muhfugguhs are treacherous on this board.

I've done stand up comedy for a while. Def can't have thin skin for that. I recommend it highly.

Again I know bro. Your track record is solid and well documented.

And yet further evidence of why I retired.
 
We had a few good contests. It was actually those contests that got me to believe that I could actually write. Folks truly encouraged me.

I hope to start an anthology of erotic fiction novels starting later on this year starting with Side Piece- Naughty Nurse Chronicles Volume 1. It's already completed, I'm just editing it now.

I'm trying to decide on what pseudonym I want to use because I don't want any confusion when I come out with my legitimate stuff. I don't want them to treat me the way they treated Eddie Murphy when he did Dreamgirls

"He's not an actor, he's a comedian."

"He did Norbit"

I don't want

"That's that smut writer"

Basically I don't want to be pigeonholed

But O.P., one thing I will tell you and I learned this from posting here on BGOL, WRITE SMALLER PARAGRAPHS

Colin Powell is a real ass thing. If peoples' eyes lose focus and lose their place too many times they will stop reading your shit

Write 3-5 sentences, even if the person talking is preaching or making a speech.

If you break it up, even if you have a lot to say it doesn't SEEM like a lot. But if it's all jumbled together it seems like too much to read.

Good luck though.

Now if that isn't an Amazon pre order...

Then I'm tripping.

Congrats fam.
 
You need to do this. You done most of the heavy lifting. Don't write specifically to screen but PLEASE keep it in mind. Just be cognizant of the visuals.

Go back to that church scene

Add colors smells go sensory cause that leads to sensuous

How does he look how does she look how does the wood from the pew feel on her bare thighs while she is eagerly reluctant to his penitrative digits. Is his hand like a spider or a snake or her first lover is she is being silent does she think of how she is offering herself on this alter is much like how she willingly sacrificed her daughters... just stuff like that. Don't hand hold but make sure it's on the page. For the reader to have the necessary to infer and imagine.

Also consider writing this genre for children... printing money.
I need to add more sensory details as well. I tell a good visual story, but I need more detail.
 
Maybe worth looking into.

To be honest, if i worked hard at it i coulda got some other company to publish my work. Its on me...not my contacts.

I was too busy publishing comic books and now making this movie.

I'll revisit it.

Salute bro we proud of you.

All this will come when the time is right.

I might Holla at you for some comic book advice if that's cool

I wanted to do something for sickle cell awareness but I can't get my ducks in a row
 
Now if that isn't an Amazon pre order...

Then I'm tripping.

Congrats fam.
Bro, when I tell you it's already done, it's already done. I just have to edit it and add more detail, add more stimulating senses so that you see, smell, feel, hear, everything but taste every detail of my stories

I read a snippet to this chick I was talkin to and she said, "I will talk to you later. I'm about to go play with myself"

So I know its gold
 
I need to add more sensory details as well. I tell a good visual story, but I need more detail.

Bro I read your stuff... stop it you good.

You don't need to over do it. You always want the reader to do the work too.

Not too much but its like a painting that the closer you get its fuzzy but as you step away and get the full view details pop.

It's like a movie script you gotta have THAT MOMENT /THAT LINE about every 4 5 pages right?

Cause every page is a minute on screen.

In book thing per page per paragraph

How people read (the great example you gave on how bgol Colin works)

So drop those specific details at key moments to snap.

So when you DO go detail heavy you grab the reader attention

Like a rhyme in Shakespeare

Stephen King does that although his stuff can get drawn out he always hits you with that extra extra detail to grab you.
 
Bro, when I tell you it's already done, it's already done. I just have to edit it and add more detail, add more stimulating senses so that you see, smell, feel, hear, everything but taste every detail of my stories

I read a snippet to this chick I was talkin to and she said, "I will talk to you later. I'm about to go play with myself"

So I know its gold

No doubt.
 
You need to do this. You done most of the heavy lifting. Don't write specifically to screen but PLEASE keep it in mind. Just be cognizant of the visuals.

Go back to that church scene

Add colors smells go sensory cause that leads to sensuous

How does he look how does she look how does the wood from the pew feel on her bare thighs while she is eagerly reluctant to his penitrative digits. Is his hand like a spider or a snake or her first lover is she is being silent does she think of how she is offering herself on this alter is much like how she willingly sacrificed her daughters... just stuff like that. Don't hand hold but make sure it's on the page. For the reader to have the necessary to infer and imagine.

Also consider writing this genre for children... printing money.

Thanks for the advice. I'll explore the church scene some more. Certainly didn't some of the things you just pointed out but makes sense to explore.
As for writing this as a children book, published will shake their head. Gory actions and sexual things abound in this work.
 
Thanks for the advice. I'll explore the church scene some more. Certainly didn't some of the things you just pointed out but makes sense to explore.
As for writing this as a children book, published will shake their head. Gory actions and sexual things abound in this work.

No not THIS ONE!!! Wtf? Super powered twin sex ain't never gonna be on Disney +

I mean you have a great mind for fantasy genre. It is so difficult to map out worlds, races, lineage, pre history, etc etc

Those efforts in children literature are very profitable right now.
 
We had a few good contests. It was actually those contests that got me to believe that I could actually write. Folks truly encouraged me.

I hope to start an anthology of erotic fiction novels starting later on this year starting with Side Piece- Naughty Nurse Chronicles Volume 1. It's already completed, I'm just editing it now.

I'm trying to decide on what pseudonym I want to use because I don't want any confusion when I come out with my legitimate stuff. I don't want them to treat me the way they treated Eddie Murphy when he did Dreamgirls

"He's not an actor, he's a comedian."

"He did Norbit"

I don't want

"That's that smut writer"

Basically I don't want to be pigeonholed

But O.P., one thing I will tell you and I learned this from posting here on BGOL, WRITE SMALLER PARAGRAPHS

Colin Powell is a real ass thing. If peoples' eyes lose focus and lose their place too many times they will stop reading your shit

Write 3-5 sentences, even if the person talking is preaching or making a speech.

If you break it up, even if you have a lot to say it doesn't SEEM like a lot. But if it's all jumbled together it seems like too much to read.

Good luck though.

Valuable piece of advice here. I thought about the Collin factor when I posted this. Paragraphing is a big deal and good etiquette for writers. I copied from my word doc and pasted here. I couldn't maintain the same format.
 
Valuable piece of advice here. I thought about the Collin factor when I posted this. Paragraphing is a big deal and good etiquette for writers. I copied from my word doc and pasted here. I couldn't maintain the same format.

No worries bro

Appreciate you having the courage to share.

It's good work

Keep that outline style it's rare to do that so damn well. It will serve you well in EVERYTHING you do.
 
No not THIS ONE!!! Wtf? Super powered twin sex ain't never gonna be on Disney +

I mean you have a great mind for fantasy genre. It is so difficult to map out worlds, races, lineage, pre history, etc etc

Those efforts in children literature are very profitable right now.

I knew you didn't mean this one :D:D:D.. I'll develop a synopsis and share it on here. it may be a group effort but I can draft one. I just want to stay away from all beaten paths. some stories are starting to look and sound the same.
 
I knew you didn't mean this one :D:D:D.. I'll develop a synopsis and share it on here. it may be a group effort but I can draft one. I just want to stay away from all beaten paths. some stories are starting to look and sound the same.

Not YOURS.

not BLACK

they trying but you may have cracked it.

Wakanda is the closest we have right now

But a Black adult dramatic sexy game of thrones?

You might got that.

And now imagine a Percy jackson / Harry Potter for Black kids?
 
From my STOLEN BOOK work

First chapter... Whole Book 114638 words. Needs editing but no time as of now.


My Antagonist is always the first person POV. My Protagonist is in the third person POV.

I had been waiting in line for the third night in a row at this Barnes and Noble bookstore at the Chapel Hills Mall for the past fifteen minutes. The line was just as long as I had expected it to be tonight just like other nights. All these happy and anxious fans of author Stacy Wychek were here to get a copy of their favorite author’s new thriller novel signed. Yes, she did it again. A Killer’s Apprentice by the author just came out two weeks ago and had already sold several thousands of copies. Stacy Wychek was fast becoming the most read author nationwide. Her last three books before the new one were hands down better than those of her contemporaries.

Before I discovered Stacy, I had read several books from several authors. But after picking up her first novel, The Garden of the Gods’ Stalker at the Fountain Creek Library, I became hooked to her and her style of writing. She had a gift with words and she also knew how to carry you along. Stacy was indeed a refreshment in a literary world where fictional characters like Lee Child’s Jack Reacher, David Baldacci’s Sean King and Michelle Maxwell, John Sandford’s Lucas Davenport, and Nora Roberts’ Eve Dallas had saturated readers’ imaginations around the world. It was Colorado Springs’ own Stacy Wychek’s turn to take readers on a journey of undiscovered imagination and suspenseful plots and twists that would make readers sit uncomfortably till they reached the last page of any of her novels.

Stacy’s second novel, Matt & Mark, the story of two evil twins and killers, was equally good and was already being considered for a movie by some Hollywood executives. Simply put, Stacy could easily be described as the new old James Patterson. That was when I used to enjoy reading James Patterson’s Alex Cross. Stacy’s new book would be her fourth novel that I would be reading, and I was very thrilled just like most of her fans standing in front and behind me. It was not every day that fans had a chance to meet the authors that had left a mark on them by telling great stories.

Stories that took you on a journey of many impossibilities. It was definitely not every day that Colorado Springs and its various attractions were put on display for millions of readers around the world to discover. The local author had made it her point of duty to invite readers to explore the many natural and tourist attractions of Colorado Springs, and sometimes some other tourist attractions within the state. In the past three years, it could easily be said that the author single-handedly contributed to the tourist influx in the local area. Places like the Airplane Restaurant, the Seven Falls, the Cave of the Winds had all been used in her books and had also attracted new customers who wanted to see where her characters either ate, took a bullet, or strangled some innocent victims.

Although I liked all the novels Stacy had written so far, her third novel, The Cleaner, was my favorite, at least, until I read A Killer’s Apprentice. The Cleaner was the most intriguing story I’d ever read of a killer called Alfred Riverson or Alfie. Alfie's trademark was to go after child molesters, registered sex offenders and the likes, and end their miserable lives in a brutal way. This Alfie character also loved tormenting the police by leaving bodies and clues all over the city for them to find with a note nailed to his victims’ skulls.

In The Cleaner, Alfie, this new idol of mine had killed five female teachers and two registered offenders, and a recently released movie star before the long arms of the law finally caught up with him. This thriller, with its plot and twists were so good, suspenseful, and well written that it gave me ideas of my own. But for now, I was just happy to be in line waiting for my favorite author to sign my personal copy of her current blockbuster.

From where I stood in line, I could see her sitting next to her agent smiling away at her fans as she signed one book after the other. Looking at her pictures in the back cover of her books or in the Life column of the Colorado Springs’ The Gazette and the New York Times did little justice to Stacy. Seeing at her now just a few feet away, I realized that she was much prettier than in any of those pictures I had seen her in. Stacy’s face was the type you saw once and never forgot.

She had a beautiful face that was round and adorable. Her long brown hair was resting nicely on her shoulders. Stacy’s piercing hazel eyes could be seen from many feet away, and her firm lips complimented her round face in a radiating way as she smiled. Her well lined set of teeth added glamor to her smile and personality every time she signed a book and returned it to a very happy fan.

Would I succeed this time? Would I be able to make it all the way to the front of the line? Uncontrollable fear gripped me and my heart pounded so hard I could hear it. My clammy fingers clenched the novel I was waiting to sign as though it was the last thing I would hold. Why did this always happen to me. What was it about this moment that dug a big hole in my being and made me feel like I was a failure? For once I would like to make it to the author and looked at those fiery eyes of hers as she signed my copy of the novel.

As the line moved forward, my body tarried in moving forward. With just seven people ahead of me, I got out of the line and headed out of the bookstore and back to my van which was parked right next to Stacy’s black BMW SUV. I rolled down the window and allowed the evening cool breeze to caress my face and help me compose myself. Few minutes later, I felt calm and collected. Yes, I would have loved to get my book signed but I had other plans.

I had been monitoring the novelist from far for a few days now as I put my plan together. I was quite surprised that she had failed to notice me driving either directly behind her or with one or two cars in between us on two different occasions. It was really nice to notice her naiveté as she went about her business every day, not paying any mind to her surroundings. Sometimes, I was only a few feet away from her and she failed to notice my presence.

I looked at my watch as I settled behind my wheels. If my calculations were right, the bookstore would close exactly at the same hour it did the past three nights. If the plan that I had been working on for weeks was to succeed, I had to play close attention to all the little details that could impede my plan in the long run. Tonight was the time night that I had been watching the author. If everything worked out, tonight might just be the night I was waiting for.

I looked at my watch again as I restlessly drummed on my steering wheel and hummed an imaginary song in my head. In exactly ten minutes, Stacy Wychek would be out of the bookstore with her agent, John something. As noticed other nights, the agent would go to his two-door Mercedes Benz CLK and Stacy would come to her SUV. I reached for the bag behind my passenger seat and pulled out the small shaving bag I brought with me. I dumped the contents of the shaving bag on the passenger seat and proceeded to get everything ready.

Ever since I read The Cleaner, I had been toying with the idea of bringing Stacy’s main character in the novel to life. I felt like it was something that needed to be done and I selected myself as the perfect medium to make this happen. I wanted to do it not just for me but also for Stacy who had done a good job of creating a monster who needed and wanted to come out of the pages and be real. The Cleaner had become my personal bible and made me believe that evil people abound in this world, and someone must take the initiative to thin their numbers. I had read the novel ten times to say the least.

I read it so many times that I knew everything about it. I knew all the characters and their roles. I also memorized the names of all the victims and even rode through to all the areas where the victims had been killed in the book since the backdrop was set in Colorado Springs and its surroundings. After reading the novel so many times, it was as if she knew me in person and consulted me before developing that character. I saw so much of me in Alfie that I nodded in agreement every time Alfie did something, I would have done myself. It was time for Alfie to come out and play.
 
From my STOLEN BOOK work

First chapter... Whole Book 114638 words. Needs editing but no time as of now.


My Antagonist is always the first person POV. My Protagonist is in the third person POV.

I had been waiting in line for the third night in a row at this Barnes and Noble bookstore at the Chapel Hills Mall for the past fifteen minutes. The line was just as long as I had expected it to be tonight just like other nights. All these happy and anxious fans of author Stacy Wychek were here to get a copy of their favorite author’s new thriller novel signed. Yes, she did it again. A Killer’s Apprentice by the author just came out two weeks ago and had already sold several thousands of copies. Stacy Wychek was fast becoming the most read author nationwide. Her last three books before the new one were hands down better than those of her contemporaries.

Before I discovered Stacy, I had read several books from several authors. But after picking up her first novel, The Garden of the Gods’ Stalker at the Fountain Creek Library, I became hooked to her and her style of writing. She had a gift with words and she also knew how to carry you along. Stacy was indeed a refreshment in a literary world where fictional characters like Lee Child’s Jack Reacher, David Baldacci’s Sean King and Michelle Maxwell, John Sandford’s Lucas Davenport, and Nora Roberts’ Eve Dallas had saturated readers’ imaginations around the world. It was Colorado Springs’ own Stacy Wychek’s turn to take readers on a journey of undiscovered imagination and suspenseful plots and twists that would make readers sit uncomfortably till they reached the last page of any of her novels.

Stacy’s second novel, Matt & Mark, the story of two evil twins and killers, was equally good and was already being considered for a movie by some Hollywood executives. Simply put, Stacy could easily be described as the new old James Patterson. That was when I used to enjoy reading James Patterson’s Alex Cross. Stacy’s new book would be her fourth novel that I would be reading, and I was very thrilled just like most of her fans standing in front and behind me. It was not every day that fans had a chance to meet the authors that had left a mark on them by telling great stories.

Stories that took you on a journey of many impossibilities. It was definitely not every day that Colorado Springs and its various attractions were put on display for millions of readers around the world to discover. The local author had made it her point of duty to invite readers to explore the many natural and tourist attractions of Colorado Springs, and sometimes some other tourist attractions within the state. In the past three years, it could easily be said that the author single-handedly contributed to the tourist influx in the local area. Places like the Airplane Restaurant, the Seven Falls, the Cave of the Winds had all been used in her books and had also attracted new customers who wanted to see where her characters either ate, took a bullet, or strangled some innocent victims.

Although I liked all the novels Stacy had written so far, her third novel, The Cleaner, was my favorite, at least, until I read A Killer’s Apprentice. The Cleaner was the most intriguing story I’d ever read of a killer called Alfred Riverson or Alfie. Alfie's trademark was to go after child molesters, registered sex offenders and the likes, and end their miserable lives in a brutal way. This Alfie character also loved tormenting the police by leaving bodies and clues all over the city for them to find with a note nailed to his victims’ skulls.

In The Cleaner, Alfie, this new idol of mine had killed five female teachers and two registered offenders, and a recently released movie star before the long arms of the law finally caught up with him. This thriller, with its plot and twists were so good, suspenseful, and well written that it gave me ideas of my own. But for now, I was just happy to be in line waiting for my favorite author to sign my personal copy of her current blockbuster.

From where I stood in line, I could see her sitting next to her agent smiling away at her fans as she signed one book after the other. Looking at her pictures in the back cover of her books or in the Life column of the Colorado Springs’ The Gazette and the New York Times did little justice to Stacy. Seeing at her now just a few feet away, I realized that she was much prettier than in any of those pictures I had seen her in. Stacy’s face was the type you saw once and never forgot.

She had a beautiful face that was round and adorable. Her long brown hair was resting nicely on her shoulders. Stacy’s piercing hazel eyes could be seen from many feet away, and her firm lips complimented her round face in a radiating way as she smiled. Her well lined set of teeth added glamor to her smile and personality every time she signed a book and returned it to a very happy fan.

Would I succeed this time? Would I be able to make it all the way to the front of the line? Uncontrollable fear gripped me and my heart pounded so hard I could hear it. My clammy fingers clenched the novel I was waiting to sign as though it was the last thing I would hold. Why did this always happen to me. What was it about this moment that dug a big hole in my being and made me feel like I was a failure? For once I would like to make it to the author and looked at those fiery eyes of hers as she signed my copy of the novel.

As the line moved forward, my body tarried in moving forward. With just seven people ahead of me, I got out of the line and headed out of the bookstore and back to my van which was parked right next to Stacy’s black BMW SUV. I rolled down the window and allowed the evening cool breeze to caress my face and help me compose myself. Few minutes later, I felt calm and collected. Yes, I would have loved to get my book signed but I had other plans.

I had been monitoring the novelist from far for a few days now as I put my plan together. I was quite surprised that she had failed to notice me driving either directly behind her or with one or two cars in between us on two different occasions. It was really nice to notice her naiveté as she went about her business every day, not paying any mind to her surroundings. Sometimes, I was only a few feet away from her and she failed to notice my presence.

I looked at my watch as I settled behind my wheels. If my calculations were right, the bookstore would close exactly at the same hour it did the past three nights. If the plan that I had been working on for weeks was to succeed, I had to play close attention to all the little details that could impede my plan in the long run. Tonight was the time night that I had been watching the author. If everything worked out, tonight might just be the night I was waiting for.

I looked at my watch again as I restlessly drummed on my steering wheel and hummed an imaginary song in my head. In exactly ten minutes, Stacy Wychek would be out of the bookstore with her agent, John something. As noticed other nights, the agent would go to his two-door Mercedes Benz CLK and Stacy would come to her SUV. I reached for the bag behind my passenger seat and pulled out the small shaving bag I brought with me. I dumped the contents of the shaving bag on the passenger seat and proceeded to get everything ready.

Ever since I read The Cleaner, I had been toying with the idea of bringing Stacy’s main character in the novel to life. I felt like it was something that needed to be done and I selected myself as the perfect medium to make this happen. I wanted to do it not just for me but also for Stacy who had done a good job of creating a monster who needed and wanted to come out of the pages and be real. The Cleaner had become my personal bible and made me believe that evil people abound in this world, and someone must take the initiative to thin their numbers. I had read the novel ten times to say the least.

I read it so many times that I knew everything about it. I knew all the characters and their roles. I also memorized the names of all the victims and even rode through to all the areas where the victims had been killed in the book since the backdrop was set in Colorado Springs and its surroundings. After reading the novel so many times, it was as if she knew me in person and consulted me before developing that character. I saw so much of me in Alfie that I nodded in agreement every time Alfie did something, I would have done myself. It was time for Alfie to come out and play.
Very intriguing, and 115,000 words? Dope.

I hear you about formatting issues. It happens to me on writingforums.com

If I may critique:

In the second paragraph you used several twice in the same sentence. Consider changing the latter to "many"

Also, don't be afraid to use one to two sentence paragraphs

Farther down this line was confusing a bit. I was trying to find out what you meant, and you used tonight in too close succession:

Tonight was the time night that I had been watching the author. If everything worked out, tonight might just be the night I was waiting for.

Maybe

It was the same time of night that I had been watching the author. If everything worked out, tonight might just be the night I was waiting for.

***

But very compelling. I definitely like dimension of old James Patterson. His early Alex Cross novels to me were some of the absolute best fiction. The description of Alex Cross, his partner Sampson and Nana Mama lead me to believe he was Black (I was wrong).

I love a good Sinister bad guy whose motives I don't quite understand yet. I wish I was just good at reading and editing my own work
 
Very intriguing, and 115,000 words? Dope.

I hear you about formatting issues. It happens to me on writingforums.com

If I may critique:

In the second paragraph you used several twice in the same sentence. Consider changing the latter to "many"

Also, don't be afraid to use one to two sentence paragraphs

Farther down this line was confusing a bit. I was trying to find out what you meant, and you used tonight in too close succession:

Tonight was the time night that I had been watching the author. If everything worked out, tonight might just be the night I was waiting for.

Maybe

It was the same time of night that I had been watching the author. If everything worked out, tonight might just be the night I was waiting for.

***

But very compelling. I definitely like dimension of old James Patterson. His early Alex Cross novels to me were some of the absolute best fiction. The description of Alex Cross, his partner Sampson and Nana Mama lead me to believe he was Black (I was wrong).

I love a good Sinister bad guy whose motives I don't quite understand yet. I wish I was just good at reading and editing my own work

Believe it or not 75 percent of these are written while I'm flying, using my Ipad. You know how that goes. they choose for me sometime. I meant to write ,,,tonight was the third night I had been watching the author....
Lots of work comin my way. But first step is taken which is to write.
 
Very intriguing, and 115,000 words? Dope.

I hear you about formatting issues. It happens to me on writingforums.com

If I may critique:

In the second paragraph you used several twice in the same sentence. Consider changing the latter to "many"

Also, don't be afraid to use one to two sentence paragraphs

Farther down this line was confusing a bit. I was trying to find out what you meant, and you used tonight in too close succession:

Tonight was the time night that I had been watching the author. If everything worked out, tonight might just be the night I was waiting for.

Maybe

It was the same time of night that I had been watching the author. If everything worked out, tonight might just be the night I was waiting for.

***

But very compelling. I definitely like dimension of old James Patterson. His early Alex Cross novels to me were some of the absolute best fiction. The description of Alex Cross, his partner Sampson and Nana Mama lead me to believe he was Black (I was wrong).

I love a good Sinister bad guy whose motives I don't quite understand yet. I wish I was just good at reading and editing my own work

Just step away from it for AWHILE

a lot of writer still HAND WRITE and find it easier to edit that way

and what I always try to do is read it out loud
 
Just step away from it for AWHILE

a lot of writer still HAND WRITE and find it easier to edit that way

and what I always try to do is read it out loud

I also use an app called natural reader on my Ipad and laptop to read back to me. On my edit heavy days, it comes in handy in tuning and refining some kinks and flows. At least works for me.
 
Maybe those in charge could help with this. I have a lot of materials (query letters, character development, etc...) I could post to help other writers. @Camille and @TEN could maybe assist?

@raze has a script thread and there are a few writing threads

I have a few I titled Writer's Circle / Writers Circle

You should start one if yo uare worried about sharing too much

make one in one of the subs like DIY & Education
 
@playahaitian and other writers on this board, please read this at your convenience and let me know if you'd change anything about the story lines.
BGOL has all kinds of thinkers and I'm open to your suggestions.

Still working on the other fantasy novel but would strongly consider this story if it feels unique enough.

Young Adult possible book.

PS. Some notes are missing from the outline, just in case some greedy bastards on here want to make the story theirs. :D:D

DYCLAN AND THE TERRALAND BRACELET OF WAR

When Dyclan’s father Grasbyn the village drunk sold a bracelet at the marketplace to cover his debt at the inn, little did he know that he sold off a bracelet that would decide the fate of Kingdoms and lands far and near.

Dyclan’s mother had given Grasbyn the jewelry before she died of the Black Plague (retaliation from defeat of Northandia) and had told her son to guard the bracelet for a time would come when he would be called upon to lead his people.

Grasbyn, being a boy of nine years old at the time has misplaced the bracelet and thought nothing of it.

Meanwhile the bracelet was bought from a tradesman that same day at the market by an old couple who had heard stories of the powers but made no fuss about it. Upon reaching the village of Marrabon, the man’s wife, a maiden of King Yerron’s court decided to wear the bracelet to the king’s palace in the city of Trollant where the King’s healer saw the bracelet and killed (strangled) Ulika for it.

Shaman Breggin presented the bracelet to King Yerron who had just been defeated in battle by the King of River City, King Jalland.

King Yerron and his shaman make a trip to the Westhill Mountains for seven days where the powers of the bracelets were invoked with the sacrifices of seven wolfs, seven horses, seven elephants, and seven pythons (the combination of these animals might is projected in the bracelet). Upon the revelation and the transfer of the power of the bracelet to King Yerron, he was now known as King Yerron the Ruthless and was the most feared King of the Valleys of Misfortune and the Land of Wessest.

King Yerron’s quest for more land and power took from the Eastern Plains of Wessest to the Northern Mountains of Terraland where Dyclan’s village was pillaged and destroyed. Women were killed, and men and boys were taken prisoners for the mines in Trollant. It was during the King parade of his victory over these lands that Dyclan saw the bracelet that his mother had given him on the wrist of the king.

From the first night of his capture, Dyclan began to have visions about the bracelet and its powers. His dead mother would appear to him in his sleep and narrate the great deeds of her people, particularly the deeds of the Sisters of Peace which she was a part of. She would tell him how they protected the lands around Terraland from evil and maleficent rulers. She would also tell him how she was the last guard of the bracelet which would have been passed on to a daughter if she had one.

When Dyclan was working in the mines, his mother Narban would appear to him and point out other young men who had secret magical powers to consider and he ponder his quest to regain the bracelet from a King who was now a treat to all living men, women and kingdoms.

With his mother’s help, Dyclan selected thirteen years old Arbon the Wind Tamer, twelve years old girl, Yessy the Multiplier, thirteen years old Filtan, the Brute, and Creddis the Traveler.

With a team of preteens and teenagers assembled, Dyclan would face an uphill battle to reclaim the bracelet from King Yerron and bring peace to the lands, as Breggin the Shaman, Drokis, the Lord Commander, and Shem the backstabber would try to stop him
 
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