Make a Contribution to Remove NSFW Ads

"Mom" is dying, and I don't know how to feel.

woodchuck

woodchuck

A crowd pleasing man.
OG Investor
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...

Still I'd like to offer my sympathy not only for the inevitable loss but also for the loss you've experienced your entire life not having her there.

I can relate in a way.

I'm the youngest of my mothers three children and she raised two of us (myself and older brother.)

However, even though we were raised in the same house our experiences with our mother were night and day.

While my brother was treated like royalty I was essentially ignored and, at least emotionally and with regard to attention, neglected.

There was a noticeable difference in how she treated us, clothing and other purchases, etc. to anyone who knew us.

But it was all I knew and therefore had to accept it.

Now that she's older though everyone looks at me as being foul for being distant. I resent the fact that it's expected that I do things to care for her as she ages when she wasn't willing to do them for me when I was young.

I love my moms but don't owe her anything to be honest.

I feel sort of guilty even having typed that but its the truth :dunno:

While my situation was nowhere near as bad as yours regarding our mothers I can still relate to an extent.
 
Hang in there Fam, I understand that numb feeling you are going through, and it's normal especially after what you've been through with her.
Last year when my Pops died from Covid, I was the only family member to be there for him, the rest of the family would not be bothered, due to his past of molesting my cousin when she was young, on top of that I witnessed him rape my moms when I was young (talk about a mind fuck).
But in spite of my hatred for his actions, I tried to be there, like you trying to focus on the good. Some days I could others I was reminded of the fucked up things he did.
All I can say with time you will get over the torn feeling and once that happens you will be stronger, wiser, and be able to move on from your past.
Because right now I think you are trying to bury that inner voice that is upset about the way she treated you when you were young, and this is making you feel guilty. But in time you will understand that you are not responsible for feeling this way, and while you can care or even love her, that doesn't mean you can't hate what she did to you.
Hope I said it right, be good.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...
Appreciate you sharing bruv. I know a lot of people on the internet want to play like their life is selfies at brunch and pumpkin patch walks, but you brought some real, relatable vulnerability. We talk shit here, but as black men, we gotta be there for each other. Grieve how you need to, and we'll be here to talk shit about bad football teams and Waffle House fights.
 
I actually feel the same way about my father. Nigga wasn't shit from the day he was born. Only thing keeping me from spitting in his face when he drove up here from Atlanta a few weeks ago to ring my doorbell unnanounced was my children were home. Didn't want them to see that. But he knows I hate him. I always say no matter who it is, no matter how close they are suppose to be to you........IF THEY HAVE WORKED HARD TO EARN YOUR HATRED GO AHEAD AND GIVE IT TO THEM. Sorry things went that way for you Wood. I'm here for you bro.

xN3gdY.jpg
 
I know exactly how you feel. My father abandoned my brother, sister and myself over thirty years ago. Drugs....

We reconnected two years when he was found unconscious in an abandoned house with a brain injury. When he recovered a bit we tried the family thing for a bit, but never really connected. All that dope plus the injury fucked him up. So needless to say he went back to the narcotic and it cost him his life. Couldn't believe it, but not surprised either.

Me and my siblings ended up paying for the funeral, and not single person gave testimony before he was buried. He had truly let everyone down. I love my father, but seeing go did not make me sad at all. I don't think that makes me bad or anything else, you can't miss someone you never knew.
 
Flawless said:
She cant treat you ike shit then expect special treatment in the end, that's now how it works.
Click to expand...
Yeah I just went through the same shit with my pops. He was talking mad wreckless because he thought I blew him off because I was at play rehearsal. I told him he needs to communicate effectively, because the yelling and guilt tripping shit isn't a play that works on me.
 
I'm sorry you are going through this. If she asks for you, I recommend showing up to see her out of general respect, maybe asking if she needs anything. I believe we get blessings for honoring our parents, even if they don't "deserve" it. Don't let folks guilt you because you don't feel a certain way. You feel how you feel, there is no right or wrong to it. Each kid has a different experience, even if they grow up in the same household. General human compassion for their end of life and the people grieving doesn't require you to have had a good relationship with any of them.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...

I’m big on respect and how people treat you. If a person didn’t treat you well in life, then their death shouldn’t have a huge affect on you.

Yes as a person death is sad, but if your Mom lived another 50 years your current relationship and its state would still be the same.

So no, I’m not going to say “Be sad because that’s your Mom”. She made you and she made the relationship that you have with her today and over the years. That’s all her doing. She may have been going through something but she created the relationship.

I can’t tell you how to feel and I don’t believe anyway that you feel is wrong. You’re human and she caused you to feel the the way that you feel.

I definitely can understand you feeling numb, although she didn’t do right by you. Your human nature is shining through and that’s your compassion for human life.

I don’t expect you to care or be hurt, but I definitely understand you being numb.

Wishing you the best Bruh…
 
Camille said:
I'm sorry you are going through this. If she asks for you, I recommend showing up to see her out of general respect, maybe asking if she needs anything. I believe we get blessings for honoring our parents, even if they don't "deserve" it. Don't let folks guilt you because you don't feel a certain way. You feel how you feel, there is no right or wrong to it. Each kid has a different experience, even if they grow up in the same household. General human compassion for their end of life and the people grieving doesn't require you to have had a good relationship with any of them.
Click to expand...
@Camille , to be honest, I seriously don't know if I can do that. True story: The FIRST time she ever met her grandson (my youngest), was when she was slamming the door in our faces on Thanksgiving. My son teared up. Not for himself, but for me. She was TRULY a piece of shit. I don't think us 3 can do that, and we're definitely not going to the funeral. She REALLY fucked us up! Fortunately, our lives turned out pretty good.
 
Process it in your own way. Its confusing I'm sure but don't neglect your own emotional needs. Also try to be there for those you do love. Still you can't make yourself feel a type of way if you just don't. That said, if you are a religious man you may try to rise above the emotion of it and try to afford her a certain respect she is due as your mother. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't want her to pass thinking I was ungrateful for the gift of life she gave me. :(
 
woodchuck said:
@Camille , to be honest, I seriously don't know if I can do that. True story: The FIRST time she ever met her grandson (my youngest), was when she was slamming the door in our faces on Thanksgiving. My son teared up. Not for himself, but for me. She was TRULY a piece of shit. I don't think us 3 can do that, and we're definitely not going to the funeral. She REALLY fucked us up! Fortunately, our lives turned out pretty good.
Click to expand...


It's fucked up to say but of this is indicative of how she treats her children then those of you who weren't raised by her may be the lucky ones.
 
woodchuck said:
@Camille , to be honest, I seriously don't know if I can do that. True story: The FIRST time she ever met her grandson (my youngest), was when she was slamming the door in our faces on Thanksgiving. My son teared up. Not for himself, but for me. She was TRULY a piece of shit. I don't think us 3 can do that, and we're definitely not going to the funeral. She REALLY fucked us up! Fortunately, our lives turned out pretty good.
Click to expand...

Wow. That's a lot to deal with. If its something that is going to be emotionally distressing for you, then do what you need to do to protect you and yours. It sounds like the pressure may be from your dad and half siblings. Still, keep an open mind in case she does reach out and ask to see you, but follow your gut.

People who know they aren't shit and didn't do right, don't like being presented with their wrong doing. No matter what she tells herself about being a good person, or a good mother, you and your siblings are a constant reminder that it's BS.
 
Sounds like you need to get something off your chest, and this is your last chance to tell her how you feel about how she did y’all if you haven’t told her before. She needs to know you held her accountable. It’s all in how you deliver the message tho, not to sound bitter or resentful but aware and firm about how you experienced things in light of the current situation.

It becomes difficult to reconcile feelings between a dying parent. Two of my sisters went through this when my mom was passing they were at odds with her before she was diagnosed with cancer, they found it hard to come to her bedside and I thought it was so stupid because those matters were so trivial at the time and in hindsight. A lot of precious time was wasted in those months preceding her death.
 
Gotdamn fam, I don't know how to properly address you.

But I will say this:

Your DNA and part of how you handle shit is always linked to her. You don't owe her thanks for anything else other than your existence here.
A few will know "Woodchuck" but 100 years from now, Tony MF Rock will be able to be researched by everyone on the planet.
YOU did that bro.
Regardless of anything, she is still part of that history.

You have the gift of wit, sarcasm, comedy, humility and musicianship. We've all witnessed it for YEARS. All made possible from your lived experience.
Do what you want with it. But don't do it with regret.

2¢
 
woodchuck said:
@Camille , to be honest, I seriously don't know if I can do that. True story: The FIRST time she ever met her grandson (my youngest), was when she was slamming the door in our faces on Thanksgiving. My son teared up. Not for himself, but for me. She was TRULY a piece of shit.
Click to expand...
200w.gif



whats your dilema?

you seem very clear about how you feel & your values

are ya concerned about how you might be perceived (by community, extended family, your children)?


woodchuck said:
Fortunately, our lives turned out pretty good.
Click to expand...
:yes:
 
Mello Mello said:
Sounds like you need to get something off your chest, and this is your last chance to tell her how you feel about how she did y’all if you haven’t told her before. She needs to know you held her accountable. It’s all in how you deliver the message tho, not to sound bitter or resentful but aware and firm about how you experienced things in light of the current situation.

It becomes difficult to reconcile feelings between a dying parent. Two of my sisters went through this when my mom was passing they were at odds with her before she was diagnosed with cancer, they found it hard to come to her bedside and I thought it was so stupid because those matters were so trivial at the time and in hindsight. A lot of precious time was wasted in those months preceding her death.
Click to expand...

I have to respectfully disagree.

Based off of what he's said she'd have no desire to hear what he has to say if she's even able to hear it considering she's in hospice.

She is more than likely aware of their relationship and how she treated them yet chose to not address it or reconcile with them.

Also, I'm not a believer in the bed side apologies and request for forgiveness.

If you're re aware of what you've and yet don't try to make amends until you're on your death bed then that's more about you and your guilt or fear of the after life then it is of righting your wrongs.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...
We all have diff upbringing and diff connections to people that were some part of our life.. so same way people feel about deadbeat fathers or dead beat parents altogether are typically diff with their affection or lack of for individuals who didn’t do their part in someone’s upbringing.. so there’s no judgment and completely understandable on how you feel.. it is what it is
 
Bro, I feel you. I've had many a discussion on this board about my mother.

The most recent event I went to hang out with my high school classmates who were in town and I dropped him off around the corner from my mother's house.

My mother got a new number and when my phone died it took that new number with it so I didn't have her new number, so I called my sister to get my mother's number

Do you know my sister called my mother to ask if it was okay for her to give my mother's number to me? My family is a bunch of Secret Squirrel as motherfukers and I hate that about them

So my sister got back on the line and said, she's going to call you.

You know my mother called me from a private number so I still don't have the number

I feel you. I don't think I'll be affected at all when my mother dies.
 
woodchuck said:
Some of you know about the relationship I have with my mom. Well, today, they moved her into hospice. She had 2 sets of kids. The first 3, she abandoned us and treated us like shit. In fact, she's the reason why all 3 of us are in therapy. The younger 3 knew her as a mother, while the older 3 knew her as just "the woman that had us". Now, they expect us to act like heartbroken offspring, and we ain't got that in us. I am sorry that she's dying, but we honestly don't know HOW to feel. My pops gave me the "She's your mother" speech, but he knew she was a piece of shit. I'm sorry she's going through this, and I actually hope she makes a full recovery, but I know she's not. Like my older sister said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this info? I said 'Goodbye' a long time ago!", and I'm on the same page with her, but still, shit is weird right now. If you want ALL of your kids to gather at your death bed weeping, don't treat them like shit. She WAS NOT a good mom to us, and now, I'm in limbo as to how to feel about her eminent death. Just thought I'd vent. I'm not sad or happy, just numb, because she did this to us!

Before you give me that "That's your mom!" speech, save your keystrokes. That shit means NOTHING to me.
Click to expand...
She is your mom. What you typed was just your insecurities. Time to let go of the past man and do the right thing
 
Damn fam, sorry to hear but no need to fake it now for the sake of it. Sounds like you already made your decision and closed that chapter. no need for guilt.
Just treasure those that do the same to you.
 

Make a Contribution to Remove NSFW Ads
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

MASTERBAKER
Louisiana mom gives police officer a ride in chase to catch suspected shoplifter: ‘Want to hop in?’
Replies
1
Views
41
MASTERBAKER
MASTERBAKER
5
Question for the parents on the board who strongly believe in academics.
2
Replies
55
Views
535
Sango
S
nawlinsn931
Need yall help (Moms giving up)
2
Replies
35
Views
1K
nawlinsn931
nawlinsn931
doe moe
Older lonely females at the job, Brothers I have a question regarding their need for male attention.....
2
Replies
37
Views
1K
Sango
S
lightbright
Meanwhile in Georgia: WTF Georgia? Mom left 7-month-old baby to die in vehicle at car dealership while she worked inside.
Replies
1
Views
41
lightbright
lightbright
Back
Top