Funny

[Lick]

PHONE REPAIR​

Lawrence , Kansas, April 5, 2012

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.

 

[Lick]

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.

“Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I’m a journalist and I’ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN 500 DOLLARS ? !!

 

[Lick]

Confucius Say
It is better to give than receive- especially advice."

Confucius Say
"Happiness is a way station between too little and too much."

Confucius Say
Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man are very much alike...
both get to smell the goods, but neither one can eat it.

Confucius Say
"Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career".

Confucius Say
An optimist is a person who doesn't understand the enormity of the problem.

Confucius Say
Van Gogh was a painter because he didn't have an ear for music.

Confucius Say
Banker who sits in freezer, will have frozen assets.

Confucius Say
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Confucius say,
"A man may be a fool and not know it... but not if he is married."

Confucius Say
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.

 

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…

 

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Last week I went into McDonalds at The Lakes, and asked for half a dozen nuggets,
the (about 15yo) girl said, "Sorry but we only sell nuggets in lots of 3 or 9 only,
not in half dozen lots.
I just asked for the manager, as it is pointless trying to reason with a teenager today ... Wally

*************************



STORY :

On my way home from work, I stopped at McDonalds for a quick bite to eat.
I have a $100 note and a $2 note. I figure with the $2 note,
I can get something to eat, and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $100 note.
Me: 'Hi, I'd like a Big Mac, to go.'
Server: 'That'll be $1.75. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my wallet, and hand him the $2 note. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.' He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 note?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 note. This guy just gave it to me...'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 note.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'
He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this $100 note. Why don't you take $2 notes?
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a $100 note. I'll get it, and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later, when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big notes this time of night.'
Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar note.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir..'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.
A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar note.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar note?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a $100 note.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the hundred's a fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar note is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar note?'
Manager : 'I don't know! Can you taToo late , we already have a nation full of them. lk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'
Security Guard walks over to me and ......
Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake notes you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat,
so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a Big Mac and pay for it with this two dollar note.
I put the note up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.
He takes the note turns it over a few times in his hands,
and says 'gee I haven't seen one of these in years'.
Guard: 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this note?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar note.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot,
and it dawns on the manager that he has no clue and is an idiot.
So, it turns out that my Big Mac was free, and he threw in a small drink, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar notes just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

Just think ... Those two will be voting soon !!?!

 

[Lick]

Confucius Say
Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

Confucius Say
Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.

Confucius Say
"Man who has nothing to say, should say nothing."

Confucius Say
In prison, best way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar

Confucius Say
A good life is like toilet paper... Long and useful.

Confucius Say
Basic unit of laryngitis is 1 hoarsepower

Confucius Say
The perfect gift for man who has everything, is a burglar alarm

Confucius Say
Christmas trees are like priests...Their balls are just for decoration.

Confucius Say
Half of a large intestine is equal to one semicolon

Confucius Say
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...after a mediocre summer

 

[Lick]

After a busy day, and just as everyone was settling down for a nap on the train for home, a man sitting in the midst hauled out his cell phone and started up a loud, lengthy conversation:

"Hi darling, it's Bob... I'm on the train...Yes, I know it's the 6:30 not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting...No, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss... No, darling, you're the only one in my life...Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah . . ."

When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,


"Hey, Bob! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!"

 

[shaka38]

Vaseline survey





A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline."

Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?


'We use it for sex.'


The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'




And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!

 

[Lick]

Confucius Say...
"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine."

Confucius Say...
Man who masturbate only screwing himself.

Confucius Say...
Man who do business in whore house , get jerked around

Confucius Say...
House without toilet is uncanny.

Confucius Say...
‘Tis better to be pissed off than pissed on.


Confucius Say...
Butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.

Confucius say...
"He who light the fuse of love, get big bang."

Confucius say...
'Tis better to have loved a short woman than to have never loved a tall

Confucius say...
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.

Confucius say...
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

 

[Lick]

Confucius say...
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

Confucius say...
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Confucius say...
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Confucius say...
He who crosses the ocean twice without bathing is a dirty double crosser."

Confucius say...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants !"

Confucius say...
"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk!"

Confucius say...
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...

Confucius say...
Man who eats photograph of his Dad is soon spitting image of his father.

Confucius say...
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.

Confucius say...
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Confucius say...
girl who has sex in Egyptian tomb may soon become mummy

 

[Lick]

White people!​

 

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The Knothole






A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."



"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."



"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"



"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"



"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Not everybody pays."

 

[Lick]

Confucius say,
"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy"

Confucius say,
"The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation".

Confucius say,
" Look for helping hand on end of own arm."

Confucius say,
Marriages are made in Heaven...So are thunder & lightning.

Confucius say,
"Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent "

Confucius say,
A wise man makes sure that his wife's birthday cake is short one candle.

Confucius say,
Jamaiccan proctologist is called Pok-e-mon

Confucius say,
An egotist is a person more interested in himself, than in me.

Confucius say,
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Confucius Say,
If man doesn't try different sex with one women, he shall try one sex with different women.

 

[Lick]

Confucius say,
Real Estate People are a vacant lot.

Confucius say,
"Patience" is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Confucius say,
“Man with hand in pocket is all ways on the ball”

Confucius say,
A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

Confucius say,
Man with poor vision can date anyone.

Confucius say,
“Man who put head it fruit drink, get punch in nose.”

Confucius say,
" Man who put cream in tart is not necessarily baker."

Confucius say,
An enemy is sometimes nothing more than a friend who got wise to you.

Confucius Say,
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Confucius Say,
"He who thinks only of number one, must remember, it is next to nothing"

 

[Lick]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

 

[Lick]

I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

‘Well you see, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’

 

[Lick]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT



My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said...

'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up!

 

[Lick]

PUNOGRAPHY
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
When chemists die, they barium.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

 

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[creepin]

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.

“Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I’m a journalist and I’ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN 500 DOLLARS FOR HEAD? !!

corrected

 

[Lick]

Confucius Say...
Men are like cement...after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Confucius Say...
Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.

Confucius Say...
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Confucius Say...
Honor your personality flaws, for without them, you would have no personality at all.

Confucius Say...
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit...but not nearly as gratifying.

Confucius Say...
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.

Confucius Say...
Man who keeps nose to the grindstone, have sharp boogers.

Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius Say...
Forgetful cow gives Milk of Amnesia!

Confucius Say...
"Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything."

 

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corrected

 

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Bubba has a question:



Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is

It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer."

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer

makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers

an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was burnt from that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he

gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin...

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all

them ugly women I slept with?"

 

[Lick]

Keep the grey matter active !!


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?












Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

You can go back to sleep now ...

 

[DV8ed]

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

The only one I missed. I should've paid attention to the capitalization.

 

[Lick]

Birth Pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor if it.


The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. Amazingly, the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.


When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch...

 

[Lick]

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

The only one I missed. I should've paid attention to the capitalization.

Yeah.

 

[Lick]

Confucius Say,
Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane.

Confucious say...
Women are like Lawn Mowers...If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Confucious say...
"Nail on board is not good as screw on bench."

Confucius Say...
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

Confucius Say,
"hole happy, whole body happy"

Confucious Say:
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

Confucious Say:
When Einstein stared at his cousin's boobs, he discovered 'Theory of Relative Titty'.

Confucius Say...
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.

Confucius Say...
Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.

Confucius Say...
Dirty hands make your nose itch.

 

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