For those who remember me, I was out of work, wrote a first-time self-help book(some of you bought it, thank you), and posted a few other things here on this forum. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, maybe as a rant, so perhaps someone can see my thoughts.
A younger friend of mine posted on social media that money can't buy happiness. Is he right?
When I was younger, I always felt that was a lie. As I've seen so many people change their lives for the better with money. Well, as I've lived it, I now agree with that statement. Before I go any further, I'd like to stress that this is from the perspective of a black man diagnosed with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
I'm not happy.
My mental health issues won't let me be happy. I want to think I should be. I've been able to bounce back pretty hard in a positive direction on my career path over the years. Currently, I sit at the top of my career as a CIO. That means I lead a large technology department for a company. A position that I thought I'd never get, and for once, the only way I can move up is financially to another challenge. I make good money; clearly, I can always make better, but I do pretty well and have no financial concerns. My woman is a social worker, but doesn't have to work. We live in a 500k house, which I feel proud of, and I constantly remind myself that I live here. Even after being here for 3 years. We both have luxury cars. I'm always getting questions and compliments when I'm out and about. All my bills are on autopay, with some paid way in advance. It's a good feeling to remember when I was younger, stressing about paying the electric or phone bill. I can order out, DoorDash, or eat at a nice restaurant for lunch or dinner on a whim. No planning needed. I've been able to fund my mom's living arrangement and give my daughter a couple of thousand dollars as needed. She is married and doing her own bit of trying to find herself. Thanks to this forum, I am a rated veteran and get a nice monthly pension. Overall, I feel like I should be celebrating my place in life as I've accomplished a lot. Sometimes I find myself comparing myself to others who always tried to one-up me or made me feel inferior, while they are all in a lower situation than I am now.
Behind all that, I'm just not happy. I've considered suicide twice in my life. I don't have the courage to do it now, and I realize the wave effect would have a significant impact on those close to me, so I can't see myself doing it. Almost everything that brings me joy is gone—gaming, watching fight sports, hanging out, movies in my theatre room, etc. None of them pulls me in anymore. I find myself in a constant struggle, trying to survive the day or the weekend. My desire for sex has dropped almost to zero. It's weird, I still admire a good-looking woman, but physically, I don't have the motivation anymore. Speaking of motivation, I don't have the desire to work out despite having a home gym and a nice neighborhood to go walking around. My motivation is tied to this invisible feeling that I call the "dread" feeling, constantly tugging at me to do the opposite when I want to do something that might help me. I work in a good place. Sadly, I have to deal with one co-worker who always tries to cause me grief, but that's about it. I find myself acting most of the time to be happy, motivated, and in good spirits. It's a moment-by-moment struggle to motivate myself to do the following task, start the next project, or move forward. I'm burned out of dealing with racism. Every day racism, online racism, racism at work, just hate everyone. It's hard to look at the news out of earshot of seeing our people doing something stupid or some coon talking bad about his own people.
I dream of retiring or getting into a situation where I could retire right now with zero impact on my home life and become a super resluse.
But then I think, why? Again, I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe to put my thoughts into words and shoot them out to the void. So at least I know that perhaps someone read them. I often wonder, if I came into a lot of money and could stop working, would that really matter to me? I'd imagine it would to those around me, but to me, secretly. No, I'd still struggle. This internal conflict would still be present. I'd still be unhappy.
Before I end this, again, I'm not expecting anything from this post. Just sharing my thoughts. I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, but once I lost my job late last year, I could only continue that for about 3 months afterwards. Then I had to fire my psychiatrist when I tried to reschedule an appointment, a week in advance. Due to a job interview, but she still wants me to pay the $250 fee per visit, I wasn't going to pay her for that missed appointment that didn't occur. I had to beg my primary doctor to refill my mental health prescriptions once I stopped going to her, since she refused. Lucky, I just found out last week that I can get my prescriptions refilled through the VA and resume counseling through a civilian doctor via them. So there's that.
Thank you for reading this. If there is anything to gain, giving up is not something I've allowed myself to do. It has allowed me to be successful, if that's what I am, and I hope that anyone going through something similar will not give up and keep moving forward with my hopes that one day you'll wake up and remember what it was like to struggle with mental health challenges.
I still think of suicide. Daily, multiple times a day, but I won't do it. If you feel the same as I, I hope you don't either. Money can't buy happiness, but I'd like to think that it should make things easier, but in my case, it doesn't.
If you read all of this, thank you.
A younger friend of mine posted on social media that money can't buy happiness. Is he right?
When I was younger, I always felt that was a lie. As I've seen so many people change their lives for the better with money. Well, as I've lived it, I now agree with that statement. Before I go any further, I'd like to stress that this is from the perspective of a black man diagnosed with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
I'm not happy.
My mental health issues won't let me be happy. I want to think I should be. I've been able to bounce back pretty hard in a positive direction on my career path over the years. Currently, I sit at the top of my career as a CIO. That means I lead a large technology department for a company. A position that I thought I'd never get, and for once, the only way I can move up is financially to another challenge. I make good money; clearly, I can always make better, but I do pretty well and have no financial concerns. My woman is a social worker, but doesn't have to work. We live in a 500k house, which I feel proud of, and I constantly remind myself that I live here. Even after being here for 3 years. We both have luxury cars. I'm always getting questions and compliments when I'm out and about. All my bills are on autopay, with some paid way in advance. It's a good feeling to remember when I was younger, stressing about paying the electric or phone bill. I can order out, DoorDash, or eat at a nice restaurant for lunch or dinner on a whim. No planning needed. I've been able to fund my mom's living arrangement and give my daughter a couple of thousand dollars as needed. She is married and doing her own bit of trying to find herself. Thanks to this forum, I am a rated veteran and get a nice monthly pension. Overall, I feel like I should be celebrating my place in life as I've accomplished a lot. Sometimes I find myself comparing myself to others who always tried to one-up me or made me feel inferior, while they are all in a lower situation than I am now.
Behind all that, I'm just not happy. I've considered suicide twice in my life. I don't have the courage to do it now, and I realize the wave effect would have a significant impact on those close to me, so I can't see myself doing it. Almost everything that brings me joy is gone—gaming, watching fight sports, hanging out, movies in my theatre room, etc. None of them pulls me in anymore. I find myself in a constant struggle, trying to survive the day or the weekend. My desire for sex has dropped almost to zero. It's weird, I still admire a good-looking woman, but physically, I don't have the motivation anymore. Speaking of motivation, I don't have the desire to work out despite having a home gym and a nice neighborhood to go walking around. My motivation is tied to this invisible feeling that I call the "dread" feeling, constantly tugging at me to do the opposite when I want to do something that might help me. I work in a good place. Sadly, I have to deal with one co-worker who always tries to cause me grief, but that's about it. I find myself acting most of the time to be happy, motivated, and in good spirits. It's a moment-by-moment struggle to motivate myself to do the following task, start the next project, or move forward. I'm burned out of dealing with racism. Every day racism, online racism, racism at work, just hate everyone. It's hard to look at the news out of earshot of seeing our people doing something stupid or some coon talking bad about his own people.
I dream of retiring or getting into a situation where I could retire right now with zero impact on my home life and become a super resluse.
But then I think, why? Again, I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe to put my thoughts into words and shoot them out to the void. So at least I know that perhaps someone read them. I often wonder, if I came into a lot of money and could stop working, would that really matter to me? I'd imagine it would to those around me, but to me, secretly. No, I'd still struggle. This internal conflict would still be present. I'd still be unhappy.
Before I end this, again, I'm not expecting anything from this post. Just sharing my thoughts. I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, but once I lost my job late last year, I could only continue that for about 3 months afterwards. Then I had to fire my psychiatrist when I tried to reschedule an appointment, a week in advance. Due to a job interview, but she still wants me to pay the $250 fee per visit, I wasn't going to pay her for that missed appointment that didn't occur. I had to beg my primary doctor to refill my mental health prescriptions once I stopped going to her, since she refused. Lucky, I just found out last week that I can get my prescriptions refilled through the VA and resume counseling through a civilian doctor via them. So there's that.
Thank you for reading this. If there is anything to gain, giving up is not something I've allowed myself to do. It has allowed me to be successful, if that's what I am, and I hope that anyone going through something similar will not give up and keep moving forward with my hopes that one day you'll wake up and remember what it was like to struggle with mental health challenges.
I still think of suicide. Daily, multiple times a day, but I won't do it. If you feel the same as I, I hope you don't either. Money can't buy happiness, but I'd like to think that it should make things easier, but in my case, it doesn't.
If you read all of this, thank you.
