Parents of unmotivated teens / young adults.. how do you cope?

[4 Dimensional]

I really want to answer this thoroughly, but it’ll be a book long. I keep coming back ready to type out this long thought out response, then I realize it’s too many things.

I like some of the responses in this thread though. My only input without diving too deeply is that the world has changed faster than parents we able to keep up with.

 

[RoomService]

I really want to answer this thoroughly, but it’ll be a book long. I keep coming back ready to type out this long thought out response, then I realize it’s too many things.

I like some of the responses in this thread though. My only input without diving too deeply is that the world has changed faster than parents we able to keep up with.

every 10 years

 

[Mo23]

Some of it is social media and them thinking they dont have to do much they can be a youtube or tiktok star

 

[playahaitian]

Unpopular Opinion incoming....

These kids aren't stupid and they have way more access to information than we did at their age. Let's be honest, what do these kids really have to look forward to? Work hard for what? Jump out into the world for what? Y'all niggas act like you don't see the headlines. If you're up on ANY current events then you know just how fucked we are at this point. Let's take a step back from the BGOL fantacy world where everybody is independently wealthy and a world traveler, entrepreneur, superhero bullshit and think about the average work a day folks in the REAL world. The salary for the average American is like 50k/yr. It's cost triple that just to survive. We KILL ourselves to make a better life for our kids, and that's it, money is spent. Most of folks don't own property, investments, etc. We just feed the machine until we die. If I was a youngster in this day and age I'd be a nihilist. Fuck it. Ride it out, wait for the astroid to hit. By the time they get to our age it's going to be neo-feudalism and that's only if AI or China doesn't take over. I'd be damn if I slaved all my life to have nothing end the end to show for it but stories about the good old days. Y'all need to ACTUALLY talk to these kids. They'll tell you exactly why. That old way of thinking is dead. No amount of shaming, beating, punishment is going to change anything. We can't sell them the same dream we got sold. They've seen behind the curtain. We got conned. We have to live with that. They're gonna need something different. Just another perspective IMHO....

F*ck

 

[playahaitian]

I really want to answer this thoroughly, but it’ll be a book long. I keep coming back ready to type out this long thought out response, then I realize it’s too many things.

I like some of the responses in this thread though. My only input without diving too deeply is that the world has changed faster than parents we able to keep up with.

^^^^

I agree

This thread would be an awesome book or a collection of essays on the topic.

 

[4 Dimensional]

^^^^

I agree

This thread would be an awesome book or a collection of essays on the topic.

I was just telling my homie that today, people are becoming first time parents into their late 30 and early 40s. This is common now of days. That’s one of many additional layers to consider. The age and perspective gap of how the world works today versus 40 years ago is just too much. Lol.

 

[The Jamaican]

@tekwehuself Bout to kick one out of the house right now. All the potential in the world, but don't want to do shit. She got one last shot to join the military other than that she getting a full time job. I'll set her up with an apartment some furniture and help her out with planning her budget and she can figure of what motivates her after that. Taking a page out my dad's book with me. You ain't got shit going after high school? Time to join the military or get out the house. Society has been telling kids they're not adults at 18 and they believing that bullshit. Not in my house. No better motivation than figuring where your next meal will come from and how to pay your bills.

I wish you strength during the process fam. I know mentally, it can't be easy on you to enact this necessary tough love.

 

[The Jamaican]

I keep coming back ready to type out this long thought out response, then I realize it’s too many things.

Me too. I appreciate all of the perspectives that have been shared in here. I have taken some of the advice and actually enacted it, and i realize it has been making it easier on ME.

I accepted that the frustration I was feeling, and all the arguments, and all the other shit was starting to make me physically ill. I realized it was MY OWN REFUSAL / ACCEPTANCE of what IS, that created this scenario for me.

I sought the intervention of his grandmother for a final talk. It was the best thing I could have done for him to hear it from another perspective. I am tired to hear my own voice saying the same shit over and over, so I know he must be too.

After laying out the pros and cons, the opportunities he now has at unlocking a first degree with no personal debt, guaranteed income with family businesses, I put all my cards on the table.

I am not worried anymore, I am hopeful and our relationship has greatly improved.

His attitude seems to have shifted a little. I don't know if its guilt motivating him, or a greater understanding of how lucky he is, but he seems to understand the ball is in his court and I feel closer to being OK with standing to pick him up and dust him off rather than holding his hand.

I have 2 more waiting in the wings for these opportunities, I have to preserve my energy.

----
Respect BGOL

 

[playahaitian]

I was just telling my homie that today, people are becoming first time parents into their late 30 and early 40s. This is common now of days. That’s one of many additional layers to consider. The age and perspective gap of how the world works today versus 40 years ago is just too much. Lol.

I don't think you fully realize the immensity of the truth bomb you just dropped.

 

[Helico-pterFunk]

I was just telling my homie that today, people are becoming first time parents into their late 30 and early 40s. This is common now of days. That’s one of many additional layers to consider. The age and perspective gap of how the world works today versus 40 years ago is just too much. Lol.

Very good point.

I know a number of people right now who are first-time parents at 37 - 40yo.

 

[playahaitian]

Very good point.

I know a number of people right now who are first-time parents at 37 - 40yo.

INSANE bro

I got so much respect because I had mine later than I wanted but it wasn't planned that way.

So I'm near that group.

FINANCIALLY? EDUCATIONALLY? yeah there is a WHOLE lot of benefits to waiting that long.

But ENERGY wise?

Woo boy.

 

[Helico-pterFunk]

INSANE bro

I got so much respect because I had mine later than I wanted but it wasn't planned that way.

So I'm near that group.

FINANCIALLY? EDUCATIONALLY? yeah there is a WHOLE lot of benefits to waiting that long.

But EVENRGY wise?

Woo boy.

Agreed. I noticed it on FB with people from high school or college back in the day ... all in and around the same age getting married / having kids later.

Like you said - energy-wise it can definitely be taxing. Especially when people will be mid- to late-50s by the time their kids graduate high school.

But on the plus side ... credit to them for getting their shit in order. They wanted to start a family when they were ready. Especially with the high cost of living pretty much everywhere these days. They wanted to get their lives in order before they introduced 1 - 2 more people to their home environment.

 

[^SpiderMan^]

INSANE bro

I got so much respect because I had mine later than I wanted but it wasn't planned that way.

So I'm near that group.

FINANCIALLY? EDUCATIONALLY? yeah there is a WHOLE lot of benefits to waiting that long.

But EVENRGY wise?

Woo boy.

My wife and I had our kids in our 40's. Initially, I thought that we would be the "old parents" but I'd say we are about average of parents age in my kids' cohort. I definitely see the benefits of having kids later because they don't have to compete with my career and personal goals like they would have when I was in my 20's and 30's. I have less energy but more patience. I am curious how it will be when they are teenagers though.

 

[playahaitian]

My wife and I had our kids in our 40's. Initially, I thought that we would be the "old parents" but I'd say we are about average of parents age in my kids' cohort. I definitely see the benefits of having kids later because they don't have to compete with my career and personal goals like they would have when I was in my 20's and 30's. I have less energy but more patience. I am curious how it will be when they are teenagers though.

Oh it just started for us.

In a word?

Sucks.

 

[woodchuck]

That's one of the worse things about being a parent. You have hopes and aspirations for your progeny, but we fail to realize this crucial fact: They're their own independent individual. I was telling this to a new father at work last week. He was telling me what he wanted his daughter to be, and I asked him, "What if she don't wanna do that?", and that was followed by a blank stare from him. He never considered that being a possiblity.

 

[4 Dimensional]

INSANE bro

I got so much respect because I had mine later than I wanted but it wasn't planned that way.

So I'm near that group.

FINANCIALLY? EDUCATIONALLY? yeah there is a WHOLE lot of benefits to waiting that long.

But ENERGY wise?

Woo boy.

I’ll be 39 next week and my daughter will be 15 next year. She was born after my first year of grad school. I wasn’t ready when I had her, but I’m glad I did when I did.

 

[Helico-pterFunk]

Oh it just started for us.

In a word?

Sucks.

Stay patient. As we all know - kids put their parents through a bunch of bullshit during their teen years. Can't stand their parents / don't want to be around them / etc. Hormones, mood changes, societal pressures & all that other shit. Don't worry - just stay there for them. It's not you, it's them (going through it).

Crazy thing is ... as we get older and reach middle age plus ... we value that time we have with our mom, dad, aunt, uncle, or mentor. Whoever we are closest to. Sort of look back and cringe at some of the shit we put them through 20 - 25 years ago. Disrespecting them, etc. Time isn't infinite ... glad to still have them around. One of my aunts is 73 and basically like a 2nd mom. Always been there for us kids, as she doesn't have any kids of her own and got married later in life (mid-40s). My mom told me years ago to acknowledge her on Mother's Day. Just email or call her ... let her know she's appreciated. I've been doing that over time. Sent her an email on Mother's Day and basically said "Happy Mother's / Aunt Day and thanks for always being there for us."

She noted she really appreciated that, and said "I am always here for YOU."

Heart of gold (dad's sister). I got another aunt (mom's sister) who couldn't give a fuck about us, lol. Completely indifferent. I see her every few years, and even then that's too much.

My dad's sister though ... see her every 2 months or so, and correspond weekly with emails about current events and news, and sharing links to songs we like or movies we've seen ... and keeps her schedule open so we can check out the Mission Impossible, Bond, Top Gun-type movies on the big screen.

 

[4 Dimensional]

That's one of the worse things about being a parent. You have hopes and aspirations for your progeny, but we fail to realize this crucial fact: They're their own independent individual. I was telling this to a new father at work last week. He was telling me what he wanted his daughter to be, and I asked him, "What if she don't wanna do that?", and that was followed by a blank stare from him. He never considered that being a possiblity.

I wanted to raise my daughter in a way I was raised. However, she isn’t from a small town of 20k two middle schools and one high school. Or having cousins around all the time.

What I wanted to happen, didn’t. This isn’t the 80s or 90s. The world was different and I was stuck in a time a place that no longer existed.

 

[Helico-pterFunk]

That's one of the worse things about being a parent. You have hopes and aspirations for your progeny, but we fail to realize this crucial fact: They're their own independent individual. I was telling this to a new father at work last week. He was telling me what he wanted his daughter to be, and I asked him, "What if she don't wanna do that?", and that was followed by a blank stare from him. He never considered that being a possiblity.

My brother was sort of in the same boat growing up. Had a speech impediment as a kid and went to speech therapy for that. I can recall accompanying him there with mom, as some of the lessons were actually at another school (before school day started - like 7:30am) during elementary school years. Struggled in school & didn't apply himself (HS). Didn't study for finals and barely graduated high school. After high school he was doing odd jobs ... hanging out with friends alot ... and then landed permanent employment at a restaurant. Busy place & became a sous chef over time ... one of our cousin's husbands was sort of like a mentor helping manage the place. Made sure he stayed in line. My parents ALWAYS hoped he'd go to college at some point ... and he put it off forever. Went to an open house of sorts at some of the campuses, but never thought seriously about applying (mid-20s). Eventually moved to different parts of the province and was working in some of the resort towns. Restaurant stuff, etc. He's always been savvy when it comes to general trades and mechanical stuff, and eventually went to school for carpentry in his early-30s. It was the right time. Fully applied himself and landed a job as a carpenter and has been working for a small company for the better part of the decade now. Boss is a good guy and he enjoys working for the company, even though he could probably make more elsewhere. Bought his 1st house a handful of years back and turned 40 earlier this year.

He was a "late bloomer" as the saying goes ... but eventually found his way. School was never his thing so it basically took 10+ years to realistically consider post-secondary. He always had money though as he wasn't resistant to working. And during his 20s when he was at the restaurant, despite all the social time with friends outside of work ... drinking & smoking ... he was still doing FT + plenty of overtime, so his hours were erratic with limited sleep ... but it was personal choice.

Parents are just glad he has stability now.

 

[woodchuck]

I wanted to raise my daughter in a way I was raised. However, she isn’t from a small town of 20k two middle schools and one high school. Or having cousins around all the time.

What I wanted to happen, didn’t. This isn’t the 80s or 90s. The world was different and I was stuck in a time a place that no longer existed.

My brother was sort of in the same boat growing up. Had a speech impediment as a kid and went to speech therapy for that. I can recall accompanying him there with mom, as some of the lessons were actually at another school (before school day started - like 7:30am) during elementary school years. Struggled in school & didn't apply himself (HS). Didn't study for finals and barely graduated high school. After high school he was doing odd jobs ... hanging out with friends alot ... and then landed permanent employment at a restaurant. Busy place & became a sous chef over time ... one of our cousin's husbands was sort of like a mentor helping manage the place. Made sure he stayed in line. My parents ALWAYS hoped he'd go to college at some point ... and he put it off forever. Went to an open house of sorts at some of the campuses, but never thought seriously about applying (mid-20s). Eventually moved to different parts of the province and was working in some of the resort towns. Restaurant stuff, etc. He's always been savvy when it comes to general trades and mechanical stuff, and eventually went to school for carpentry in his early-30s. It was the right time. Fully applied himself and landed a job as a carpenter and has been working for a small company for the better part of the decade now. Boss is a good guy and he enjoys working for the company, even though he could probably make more elsewhere. Bought his 1st house a handful of years back and turned 40 earlier this year.

He was a "late bloomer" as the saying goes ... but eventually found his way. School was never his thing so it basically took 10+ years to realistically consider post-secondary. He always had money though as he wasn't resistant to working. And during his 20s when he was at the restaurant, despite all the social time with friends ... he was still doing FT + plenty of overtime, so his hours were erratic with limited sleep ... but it was personal choice.

Parents are just glad he has stability now.

I have 3 boys. The oldest and the youngest are doing well, career-wise and financially. What's my nickname for our middle son? "Failure To Launch". You do the math. He was doing a well as a choreographer, but he has no marketable skills, and he's getting older. I don't feel he's taking life serious enough, and I've already told my wife, unless he changes his name to AIG, we're not bailing him out anymore. At some point, he's going to have an "Oh, shit! They were right!" moment.

 

[Helico-pterFunk]

I have 3 boys. The oldest and the youngest are doing well, career-wise and financially. What's my nickname for our middle son? "Failure To Launch". You do the math. He was doing a well as a choreographer, but he has no marketable skills, and he's getting older. I don't feel he's taking life serious enough, and I've already told my wife, unless he changes his name to AIG, we're not bailing him out anymore. At some point, he's going to have an "Oh, shit! They were right!" moment.

Interesting how the oldest & youngest are doing well, and the middle guy is spinning his wheels.

Are the 3 of them close? And if so, have they been able to check in with him? Just to make sure he's good / in the right frame of mind.

When I was in college ... I was sort of aimless for awhile. Doing well in some courses, and NOT so good in others. The hours were long. My mom lit the fire for me and was like -"At this rate, you need to buckle down. Narrow your focus ... or else you risk becoming a career student."

She had a friend who worked in an adjacent field in her city. Encouraged me to go there and apply to volunteer / get my foot in the door. I didn't have my qualifications / training yet, but I volunteered on weekends for about a year. They steadily reminded me to get my college program / training done so that I'm all squared up for HR / personnel. And one of the problems with my program was that for a year plus ... enrollment numbers were low as tuition was too high. Another campus cancelled the program 3 days before it started and that was another setback for me. So once the initial school lowered tuition fees ... they got the proper enrollment numbers and went ahead. I took it really seriously after spinning my wheels for some time, and graduated and got into the field. Worked like a crazy man for a number of years across various worksites & unions.

I'm glad I got that shit outta the way in my 20s. Thanked my mom for kicking me in the pants.

 

[Dannyblueyes]

I really want to answer this thoroughly, but it’ll be a book long. I keep coming back ready to type out this long thought out response, then I realize it’s too many things.

I like some of the responses in this thread though. My only input without diving too deeply is that the world has changed faster than parents we able to keep up with.

The definition of success also changes with every generation.

Most women in our grandma's generation where taught that success meant marrying a wealthy man so they were groomed accordingly. Now most women are raised to have the same career ambition in that men do.

I grew up in a generation that preached success in the form of large suburban houses, big SUVs and a lifelong job at a good company.

Not only is that unattainable for most young people today. Quite a few don't even want it. A lot of them prefer a condo close to a metro station. This is in large part because it gives them a location to hop between companies in advance their careers.

I think the best way we can deal with our young is by asking them what success looks like to them. Then do whatever we can to help them get that.

 

[TENT]

There is some damn good advice in this thread.
Good luck to all who need it.

 

[woodchuck]

Interesting how the oldest & youngest are doing well, and the middle guy is spinning his wheels.

Are the 3 of them close? And if so, have they been able to check in with him? Just to make sure he's good / in the right frame of mind.

They're close, but he ain't in the right frame of mind. No, he doesn't have mental issues, it's just that friends and other family members keep bailing his ass out, so he expects a "calvary" to save him at the last minute, and he makes dumb decisions. He's also self-centered and lacks self and situational awareness. All of our kids and grandkids have a savings account. Not him. He spends it as he makes it. Dude don't have a pot or a window.

 

[Helico-pterFunk]

They're close, but he ain't in the right frame of mind. No, he doesn't have mental issues, it's just that friends and other family members keep bailing his ass out, so he expects a "calvary" to save him at the last minute, and he makes dumb decisions. He's also self-centered and lacks self and situational awareness. All of our kids and grandkids have a savings account. Not him. He spends it as he makes it. Dude don't have a pot or a window.

Gotcha.

Yeah - it's challenging when the soft landing is available. Like you said - he's able to make mistakes, but depends on others to help him out later on.

Speaking of savings accts ... my mom made us open them as kids in the 80s. We added our little paper route money to them and watched them grow little by little. Back in 2000 she encouraged me to open an RRSP acct (retirement savings portfolio). I was a broke college kid at the time ... and had little pocket money. She told me - "Just get into the habit of making a contribution." So for a few years it was just little deposits of a few hundred bucks annually.

My wake-up call to myself was when I was spinning my wheels. Lost my direction. But was spending money on electronics and clothes, etc. Stupid shit. Using up what little I had in savings. I was driving home one evening and saw a "Now Hiring" sign at a pizza place. Went in and talked to the manager, expressed interest and got an application. Thought I could be a pizza delivery guy in my shitty old 88 Accord. Never heard back from them. Thought to myself - "I have a few years of college to my name, and I'm not able to deliver pizzas?" Took a long, hard look in the mirror thereafter.

 

[LordSinister]

So many layers

This.

We took everything away from my stepson when he was trifling, but as long as he had a bed and food he was cool. He literally watched me go from feast to famine multiple times and it seemed the lessons didn't stick. Last year he finally purchased a home at 36. So people just develop different and don't have the same desires.

 

[LordSinister]

Unpopular Opinion incoming....

These kids aren't stupid and they have way more access to information than we did at their age. Let's be honest, what do these kids really have to look forward to? Work hard for what? Jump out into the world for what? Y'all niggas act like you don't see the headlines. If you're up on ANY current events then you know just how fucked we are at this point. Let's take a step back from the BGOL fantacy world where everybody is independently wealthy and a world traveler, entrepreneur, superhero bullshit and think about the average work a day folks in the REAL world. The salary for the average American is like 50k/yr. It's cost triple that just to survive. We KILL ourselves to make a better life for our kids, and that's it, money is spent. Most of folks don't own property, investments, etc. We just feed the machine until we die. If I was a youngster in this day and age I'd be a nihilist. Fuck it. Ride it out, wait for the astroid to hit. By the time they get to our age it's going to be neo-feudalism and that's only if AI or China doesn't take over. I'd be damn if I slaved all my life to have nothing end the end to show for it but stories about the good old days. Y'all need to ACTUALLY talk to these kids. They'll tell you exactly why. That old way of thinking is dead. No amount of shaming, beating, punishment is going to change anything. We can't sell them the same dream we got sold. They've seen behind the curtain. We got conned. We have to live with that. They're gonna need something different. Just another perspective IMHO....

So they can't Voltron up like we did, and actually build shit? They actually have it easier for so much shit. Imagine, all the world's knowledge at your fingertips and they think the earth is flat and 5G caused covid.

 

[Pimpslap407]

Will check.

 

[daddyfatsacks9000]

So they can't Voltron up like we did, and actually build shit? They actually have it easier for so much shit. Imagine, all the world's knowledge at your fingertips and they think the earth is flat and 5G caused covid.

Just another perspective. Take it or leave it. If you didn't bother to read it then why bother commenting. Just take this ignore for just being a dick head troll.

 

[cnc]

I think mines life too comfortable, too safe, too relaxed, and it’s my fault because that’s the environment I wanted to live in after growing up in a decaying city that was full of crime and poverty.

So my right now is giving them a vision beyond what they even enjoy now. Good grades, top schools, traveling the world on the company dime or your own self made dime, tapping into the vast network of black professionals that my work and college and career has helped me amass, and teaching em how the game is really played. It ain’t what you know it who you know and who knows you. And I remind em “you aint fucking white!” All the kids they’re with, 85% of ‘‘em are white in the high ability programs in school and I have to fight that because they spend half the day being influenced by folks who’ll never have to walk a mile in their skin.

I always remind em that they are special and have much more god given talent than me and look where it’s gotten me, so they can be much greater than this all it takes is hard work (and sometimes shutting the fuck up and listening).

 

[ArsenalCannon357]

Unpopular Opinion incoming....

These kids aren't stupid and they have way more access to information than we did at their age. Let's be honest, what do these kids really have to look forward to? Work hard for what? Jump out into the world for what? Y'all niggas act like you don't see the headlines. If you're up on ANY current events then you know just how fucked we are at this point. Let's take a step back from the BGOL fantacy world where everybody is independently wealthy and a world traveler, entrepreneur, superhero bullshit and think about the average work a day folks in the REAL world. The salary for the average American is like 50k/yr. It's cost triple that just to survive. We KILL ourselves to make a better life for our kids, and that's it, money is spent. Most of folks don't own property, investments, etc. We just feed the machine until we die. If I was a youngster in this day and age I'd be a nihilist. Fuck it. Ride it out, wait for the astroid to hit. By the time they get to our age it's going to be neo-feudalism and that's only if AI or China doesn't take over. I'd be damn if I slaved all my life to have nothing end the end to show for it but stories about the good old days. Y'all need to ACTUALLY talk to these kids. They'll tell you exactly why. That old way of thinking is dead. No amount of shaming, beating, punishment is going to change anything. We can't sell them the same dream we got sold. They've seen behind the curtain. We got conned. We have to live with that. They're gonna need something different. Just another perspective IMHO....

Literally said something similar to my intern yesterday while we were traveling on a road trip. We need to start being honest with the Youth.

 

[HellBoy]

Good thread.

Our issue is that since my wife and I grew up struggling, we wanted to make sure our kids didn't "suffer" the same. In doing this, they have never had to deal with adversity. To expect them to be motivated, strong, go-getters is a tall ask. Our method was just repetition. Life lessons, over and over. Taking them to the city, taking them to countries were people have nothing. Some of the lessons stick, some they could care less.

My oldest is in college now and has never had a job. I've been beating him over the head with do's and don'ts of how the world works. It's up to him to heed or the world will teach him. We gave him all the tools and opportunities he needed to excel, so I'm hopeful he will succeed. Time will tell. My youngest 2 are in high school now and I feel like the mistakes I made with our first... or timing of my guidance was better with them.

Good luck to you all. Parenting doesn't come with a manual. It's trial and error, just don't give up on your kid(s). That may end up as regret in time.