Parents of unmotivated teens / young adults.. how do you cope?

[tekwehuself]

I have noticed that many of my peers complain about the same thing (me included) about our teenagers / 20-something children not showing any aggressive moves towards independence and establishing their future prospects.

They have all the tools, and opportunities to learn and earn, but they are just not showing the same drive as we did at their age, or what is required to stand out and survive in this world.

Accountability is lacking and it is a constant task trying to explain the ramifications of wasting time and opportunity now, in such a competitive world.

Is anyone else going through this? How do you cope after exhausting yourself and making sacrifices for them, when it "seems" they are just not appreciative of the position they are in?


Where I'm from, we don't have the "get out at 18" culture, because its simply financially impossible to do, so you find them living at home a lot longer. If they aren't working and saving with a plan, you find that they are waiting on till you die to take over the house.

 

[yureeka9]

I have some friends that are going through this now. My question to them and any other Gen X'er is "what did you do different than our parents to have such a different outcome with your children?"

 

[tekwehuself]

I have some friends that are going through this now. My question to them and any other Gen X'er is "what did you do different than our parents to have such a different outcome with your children?"

That's a good question and it seems to point to providing too many comforts. Every generation wants to make it better for the next.

 

[peterlongshort]

I would give them some grace. These kids have had whole school years/proms/sports wiped out because of COVID. You can’t hit them with the ‘back in my day we walked 5 miles in 5 feet of snow to get to school’ speech. There was literally no school in 2020. I had a good talk wih my nephew last week about finishing college. It was an eye opener.

 

[Soul On Ice]

Very good question to ask..
Anxious to see the responses.

 

[DixonBawls]

I blame the parents
They give the kids everything trying to prevent them from the streets .
If a teen doesn't have to work for anything but got everything why work . It's the teen version of welfare .
My nephew 17 got Jordans , PS5 , nice clothes , Iphone . My sister says school is his job.

 

[Temujin]

I have some friends that are going through this now. My question to them and any other Gen X'er is "what did you do different than our parents to have such a different outcome with your children?"

I think the problem is that we did not change and the world did. The lessons we were taught don't work for this generation. The typical do good in school go to college career path sets you up for a shitload of debt and no greater job opportunities than the kid that spent 4 years gaining experience. We were never taught to build a network because it was so much more difficult in a world without the internet.

I don't know if it's a lack of motivation as much as it is a failure of us to educate the next generation on the new game out here. We have to be better mentors to all levels of black professinals in order to build the types of networks our kids can utilize. Telling your kid to get a job in this society unless you have a name to drop is not helpful. Telling your kid to start a business without throwing them some customers is not helpful. We were taught to get jobs and these jobs don't do shit for our kids. Had we built businesses and networks it would make this transition for this next generation that much easier. I think we are heading there but it's a process.

 

[tekwehuself]

I thank everyone for their replies. I will be back

 

[Mixd]

My take is growing up, same parents mentality as you, yardie, they provided foundation and put fire under my ass always. From when I was 15, had my first job, and never was without a job for more than a month all thru school after. My parents, if I wasn't working after school, would nag the hell out of me to make my own money.

Us as parents today, worked hard, created an environment where these kids have everything and more.

My kids had separate bathrooms. When I grew up, we had one for the whole house. I've been fortunate enough to provide for them, but many grow up entitled and expect parents to do for them.

My daughter, arguing with her older brother told him how us parents supposed to provide her with this and that, he in his 30's put her in her place and had to wake her up as to all we provided her growing up. Better to hear it from him than us.

Social media plays a major part as well, with all the peers showing how great life is and easy, which is all a fraud.

 

[TOMMYGUNZZ]

You have to find the thing that motivates them. Money, clothes, video games sports books, social media the motivation is very different from when we grew up.
We were just trying to get our asses out the door and go play now everything is inside and they really don’t want for anything.
I think more conversations need to be had in the house about money, and how exactly things get paid for in the house whether it be the rent, the car note days shoes the video games they have, we need to start ensuring that they understand what money is, and not be like how we grew up where if we mention money we get popped in the mouth.
It is not easy by any means. I have three teenagers at home right now and each of them is very different in their wants and their needs.
You cannot treat all of them the same and I think that’s where a lot of parents start. Missing the boat. Truly understanding your kid is definitely a challenge in itself but it’s something that as a parent do you have to try your best to do because then you can formulate strategies on how to engage with them.
It is just like being a coach of a football team or a basketball team. Each player is different and their motivations and how they are motivated as a coach. You have to figure that shit out.
When the kids were younger, we often took them to do community work or volunteer work just so they can interact with people that kind of had less than we had just to see that there is a different side to life than the cushy shit that they have.
I could say so much more, but ultimately, it starts with understanding your kid, and actually having conversations with them not saying that they are grownups, but stop talking to them like their children, because that is not how the real world works.
I will be back to say some more, but that’s it for now.

 

[Diomedes3000]

Everyone show you wealth without work all over social media. It's get rich quick or die chilling lol. I also think a lot of the youngsters have a hopelessness if their not doing well.
Many of the young adults are low key depressed. Social media addiction is real. They compare themselves to everyone else and what they see on social media. Everyone one on social media is doing great lol just like BGOL folks lol.

 

[Mrfreddygoodbud]

I have noticed that many of my peers complain about the same thing (me included) about our teenagers / 20-something children not showing any aggressive moves towards independence and establishing their future prospects.

They have all the tools, and opportunities to learn and earn, but they are just not showing the same drive as we did at their age, or what is required to stand out and survive in this world.

Accountability is lacking and it is a constant task trying to explain the ramifications of wasting time and opportunity now, in such a competitive world.

Is anyone else going through this? How do you cope after exhausting yourself and making sacrifices for them, when it "seems" they are just not appreciative of the position they are in?


Where I'm from, we don't have the "get out at 18" culture, because its simply financially impossible to do, so you find them living at home a lot longer. If they aren't working and saving with a plan, you find that they are waiting on till you die to take over the house.

we talkin chicks or dudes...... you have to analyze the situation.... lack of motivation,

could be anything from mental blocks of past events they never go over, it could drugs,

it could simply be a bleak outlook on the future...

the right words at the right time can work wonders!!!! but you have to know the situation,

YUUUUURRR???

 

[yureeka9]

I think the problem is that we did not change and the world did. The lessons we were taught don't work for this generation. The typical do good in school go to college career path sets you up for a shitload of debt and no greater job opportunities than the kid that spent 4 years gaining experience. We were never taught to build a network because it was so much more difficult in a world without the internet.

I don't know if it's a lack of motivation as much as it is a failure of us to educate the next generation on the new game out here. We have to be better mentors to all levels of black professinals in order to build the types of networks our kids can utilize. Telling your kid to get a job in this society unless you have a name to drop is not helpful. Telling your kid to start a business without throwing them some customers is not helpful. We were taught to get jobs and these jobs don't do shit for our kids. Had we built businesses and networks it would make this transition for this next generation that much easier. I think we are heading there but it's a process.

I agree with this but teaching our children things that we're just learning as well is a tricky needle to thread. I think you're right about how the advent of the internet has completely changed the approach to success but we were only a couple of years into the internet and connectedness we have now when we started families. Its not like there was anyone to show Gen X how to take advantage of the information age before we were expected to be able to teach it. I think I got online for the first time in 97/98. A lot of my friends were already raising families at that time.

 

[34real]

Accountability is lacking and it is a constant task trying to explain the ramifications of wasting time and opportunity now, in such a competitive world.

You have to stop everything,no more free room and board,cellphone bill,money,car insurance and the luxury of having parents that will rescue them STOP IT ALL NOW or they will suffer later on and so might you because you do have some kids that end up breaking their parents,mentally,physically and financially;Who's going to help you???

Some say it's wrong but what do you think the world/society will do?their not going to give a damn.

Some parents just have to come to terms with what their children are going to be....if they ain't no good that's just what they are.

 

[big enos burrnet]

Everyone show you wealth without work all over social media. It's get rich quick or die chilling lol. I also think a lot of the youngsters have a hopelessness if their not doing well.
Many of the young adults are low key depressed. Social media addiction is real. They compare themselves to everyone else and what they see on social media. Everyone one on social media is doing great lol just like BGOL folks lol.

real talk...one thing i learned in life..not everyone will be successfull,,some will be do good in life ,and others wont..thats just how
shit is...everyone motivation is not the same as yours..like i did with my son's i only did what i could with them,,i hitt them with the
truth and logic to see where they comprehension was then let them do they thang..if they couldnt get things rite then it is what it
is and im not going to fault them for it...now throw in there insecurites and mental capacity then i dont know what to tell you..

 

[TRUFICTION]

Its not only the 20 somethings fault. Its the parenting.
Lots of people called me crazy for soome of the tactics and behaviors I used to get my kids to understand the world.
Now I look at my kids versus the majority of my friends and family and I know I did the right thing.
When My son called me to thank me for being the parent I was I was soooo happy because I know he got it!
He told me, Now that he is on his own he sees just how disadvantaged and stupid his friends are and he feels empowered.
I didnt coddle them and made sure they knew if they didnt get up and get it they would be without. I rewarded accomploishments and talked mad shit about failures especially avoidable ones. I begged my son (The Youngest) to stay in the family home until he saved more and finish college. I believe pussy was a strong motivator for him to get his own. He moved to the city he wanted to live in and is currently finishing school working and had his own crib. Im very proud of Him.

My Middle girl is a VP at A major Banking Institution and still hasnt hit 30 ....The last one is really going hard at 32. I have yet to become a Grandparent and all are getting $$$. I said all that to say... If as a parent you are out of touch with reality and dont understand the dynamics of what is current or currently in their world your children will pay for your lack of knowledge. I remember way back that I thought rap and Hip Hop was a passing fad. HUGE MISTAKE ....I know now to pay attention to things that the youth is doing. Just because we dont think its anything doesnt mean its just going just to go away. You MUST Pay attention to trends and what your kids are paying attention too.
Nope it aint easy, but its not thier fault that they are here either. The formative years are over and whatever was formed is what they have become and will be very difficult to make them switch up.
I showed mine up close, what poverty and wealth looks like so they could decide which they prefered.

When you have parents who sit around, play games all day or surf social media and TickToc glorifying Bullshit the kids will inevitably be right behind them doing the same or worse. Kids pay closer attention to what you do than what you say.
Not judging anyone ... Just my experiance and observations.

 

[Mixd]

Someone just sent me this

​

 

[killagram]

whip it into them.... brah

 

[tekwehuself]

Lots of gems being posted in the thread. Can't quote them all.

 

[mcguyver]

 

[Leatherf7ce]

It’s a different day out here, man. Black Americans the Only culture telling their kids gtfo or figure it out by 18-21. Don’t think it’s having the affect ppl thought it would. Let them kids find their way, they will. My oldest is 24. After hs he had No Idea what he wanted to do next… he bounced around working menial shifts living in my basement… and is now an engineer making double what i do. Give them space and love and the understanding that you’llbe there no matter what.
Older generations like to act like they did it all themselves when as a millennial i saw how much they leaned on grandma and great grands. Ain’t no structure like that these days. Old folks gone and old x’ERs and boomers like “i did it why can’t you” straight hypocrisy

 

[easy_b]

I hate to say it, but most of the time the parents cause their child to be lazy by Babying them too long. From my own personal experience I always had to be somewhat active because my mom got sick very early in my childhood so a lot of things I had to do to help around the house. Also when I got into high school, I did a lot of part-time jobs because I wanted to have nice shit. The best thing to do to avoid this issue with your children is to keep them active. Also, this isn’t nothing new this type of mannerism has been going on forever so you cannot blame millennials or generation Z for this.

 

[Efkie]

 

[Hey Julian!]

@tekwehuself Bout to kick one out of the house right now. All the potential in the world, but don't want to do shit. She got one last shot to join the military other than that she getting a full time job. I'll set her up with an apartment some furniture and help her out with planning her budget and she can figure of what motivates her after that. Taking a page out my dad's book with me. You ain't got shit going after high school? Time to join the military or get out the house. Society has been telling kids they're not adults at 18 and they believing that bullshit. Not in my house. No better motivation than figuring where your next meal will come from and how to pay your bills.

 

[4 Dimensional]

So many layers

 

[Z MONSTER]

I hate to say it, but most of the time the parents cause their child to be lazy by Babying them too long. From my own personal experience I always had to be somewhat active because my mom got sick very early in my childhood so a lot of things I had to do to help around the house. Also when I got into high school, I did a lot of part-time jobs because I wanted to have nice shit. The best thing to do to avoid this issue with your children is to keep them active. Also, this isn’t nothing new this type of mannerism has been going on forever so you cannot blame millennials or generation Z for this.

I can imagine you had to grow up fast where you grew up (Poke N Beans?). You had your friends, but you knew the ones to avoid. You knew the certain routes to take to school and to avoid the stroll (we called it the hole).

 

[easy_b]

I can imagine you had to grow up fast where you grew up (Poke N Beans?). You had your friends, but you knew the ones to avoid. You knew the certain routes to take to school and to avoid the stroll (we called it the hole).

I’m going to say this, I seen some things that would make certain people go crazy but I had a strong mind and it got me through some shit.

 

[daddyfatsacks9000]

Unpopular Opinion incoming....

These kids aren't stupid and they have way more access to information than we did at their age. Let's be honest, what do these kids really have to look forward to? Work hard for what? Jump out into the world for what? Y'all niggas act like you don't see the headlines. If you're up on ANY current events then you know just how fucked we are at this point. Let's take a step back from the BGOL fantacy world where everybody is independently wealthy and a world traveler, entrepreneur, superhero bullshit and think about the average work a day folks in the REAL world. The salary for the average American is like 50k/yr. It's cost triple that just to survive. We KILL ourselves to make a better life for our kids, and that's it, money is spent. Most of folks don't own property, investments, etc. We just feed the machine until we die. If I was a youngster in this day and age I'd be a nihilist. Fuck it. Ride it out, wait for the astroid to hit. By the time they get to our age it's going to be neo-feudalism and that's only if AI or China doesn't take over. I'd be damn if I slaved all my life to have nothing end the end to show for it but stories about the good old days. Y'all need to ACTUALLY talk to these kids. They'll tell you exactly why. That old way of thinking is dead. No amount of shaming, beating, punishment is going to change anything. We can't sell them the same dream we got sold. They've seen behind the curtain. We got conned. We have to live with that. They're gonna need something different. Just another perspective IMHO....

 

[^SpiderMan^]

I read the original post and had a lot on my mind to share but see it all already posted. I’m looking forward to rereading some of the gems.

It’s hard to motivate a young adult that has already been given a lot with little to no effort. There is a common pattern generations is that the children of immigrated families are usually motivated but every generation thereafter gets less and less motivated. A lot of this has to do with parents having more resources to give to their child unearned and the kids growing up self identifying with the propaganda of what American culture shows them how black men and women are. A solution I suggest is to have, communicate and express solid expectations.

 

[Da Backshot Champ]

*Sighs* My oldest is a senior in HS and is going to a SUNY. I am pissed. I had dreams when he was in the womb, Harvard, Yale, you get the picture. I have to stay on top of this nigga or else he would probably be still in the 9th grade today. Now my other sons, one in a specialized HS, and the other is on track to go to one in 2 years.

What I noticed about my oldest is dude has live an upper middle class version of Prince Akeem. Too fucking spoiled. First kid from his generation on both sides of the family. I swear when he was born, for the first 2 months we have 5-10 visitors per day. So I say this is that motherfucker was too spoiled versus the other two.

 

[mailboxpimp]

smartphones..... we got the internet for real in the very late 90's ..... 98,99,2000! Then we went from pager to 2way, to cell phone, cell phone w/ cameras, & now smartphones w, internet access that you could use to run a full business with. They started out with the smartphone ALREADY being the THING! Its instant for THEM that's the way it IS for them. How do you explain the idea of NO internet to these kids??? They cant compute that!

records/CDs to them are what the reel to reel & 8track player was to us growing up!

they don't know shit about getting up to changing the channel

you gotta be born a hustler. you cant teach ya kids to have that fire, its just in you from birth. We get mad cause IF............................ we had smartphones like the exact joints we have now when we were in middle school..... my threads would be popping on a whole different level! we all be rich & just be shitting on who has the lowest amount of millions. we still wouldn't be able to have a formal meet & greet....too many security details involved.

 

[TRUFICTION]

Unpopular Opinion incoming....

These kids aren't stupid and they have way more access to information than we did at their age. Let's be honest, what do these kids really have to look forward to? Work hard for what? Jump out into the world for what? Y'all niggas act like you don't see the headlines. If you're up on ANY current events then you know just how fucked we are at this point. Let's take a step back from the BGOL fantacy world where everybody is independently wealthy and a world traveler, entrepreneur, superhero bullshit and think about the average work a day folks in the REAL world. The salary for the average American is like 50k/yr. It's cost triple that just to survive. We KILL ourselves to make a better life for our kids, and that's it, money is spent. Most of folks don't own property, investments, etc. We just feed the machine until we die. If I was a youngster in this day and age I'd be a nihilist. Fuck it. Ride it out, wait for the astroid to hit. By the time they get to our age it's going to be neo-feudalism and that's only if AI or China doesn't take over. I'd be damn if I slaved all my life to have nothing end the end to show for it but stories about the good old days. Y'all need to ACTUALLY talk to these kids. They'll tell you exactly why. That old way of thinking is dead. No amount of shaming, beating, punishment is going to change anything. We can't sell them the same dream we got sold. They've seen behind the curtain. We got conned. We have to live with that. They're gonna need something different. Just another perspective IMHO....

All I have to say to this is.... Yep....

 

[mailboxpimp]

*Sighs* My oldest is a senior in HS and is going to a SUNY. I am pissed. I had dreams when he was in the womb, Harvard, Yale, you get the picture. I have to stay on top of this nigga or else he would probably be still in the 9th grade today. Now my other sons, one in a specialized HS, and the other is on track to go to one in 2 years.

What I noticed about my oldest is dude has live an upper middle class version of Prince Akeem. Too fucking spoiled. First kid from his generation on both sides of the family. I swear when he was born, for the first 2 months we have 5-10 visitors per day. So I say this is that motherfucker was too spoiled versus the other two.

so he had wipers & chicks that gave him a bath in a small pool sized tub in his own bathroom in ya house?

 

[b_visionary]

I wouldn't be excited about going into this world.

 

[Da Backshot Champ]

so he had wipers & chicks that gave him a bath in a small pool sized tub in his own bathroom in ya house?

Yes, if you consider his grandma and aunt chicks, LOL! The pool you are talking about could fit on a dinig room table.