VOTE! BGOL Writing Contest 1

[Coldchi]

my apologies to everyone that participated....i was tryin to get my entry in before the deadline, but it was my birthday weekend.....somethings just take more priority than others. im currently reading thru these now and i'll vote shortly. nice to see there are some brilliant writers on this board. i still will post mine when its done...(eventho it wont count)....cuz im definitely not gonna let it go to waste.

 

[mealstrom]

Since this is the first one how about we give the guys who missed a break? If they submit a story (even though it won't count) then they won't have to change their sig. If they don't submit one then they'll have to wear this for a week:

"I bitched out on BGOL's First Writing Contest."


On another note:

Man, I'm seeing some great submissions! I think everyone is afraid to talk about the stories though. We all want to hear what is awesome about our story, and we all don't mind hearing critiques.

LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! Details are great. We want to know what you liked, what you didn't like, what we could change, etc. Once I finish reading them all I'm going to start telling what I think of some of them.

 

[electrik_relaxation]

BUMP!!! This thread needs to be a sticky

 

[mealstrom]

Okay, I figured I'd make a few comments for things I saw in the stories that were really good or could be improved. Someone has to go first with being a critical asshole!

Tip 1:

Make sure your characters have different voices. This may seem like not that big of a deal, but it's a HUGE thing. When we can't see someone we build their personalities in our head by the way they talk. If all of our characters talk how WE talk then they all sound like the same person.

Which leads to tip two:

Tip 2:

Be careful using slang or geographically specific terminology. We all talk a certain way because that's how everyone talks where we're from. This is fine when the CHARACTER is speaking - but you have to be VERY careful not to use that kind of slang or terminology during the narration of the story. The narration should be as nuetral as possible.


I am still reading but I'll put in some more opinions as I get them. I'd LOOOOVE to hear everyone else's opinions too! I want to see what I could do to improve my stories and my writing.

 

[mealstrom]

Okay, I'm about halfway through and my favorites so far are *edited to not sway anyone's votes*

 

[future2001]

Good job guys... you all put some heart into this...

 

[owl]

I refuse to critique from a phone, but if we can't get this stickied, we all have to take measures to keep it on the front page.

I haven't voted yet, but will once I'm at the computer.

We may need to let everyone know that they are willing to vote and comment.

Once again: great job fellas, love the heart!

And to maelstrom...thanks are not enough...

 

[godofwine]

We may need to let everyone know that they are willing to vote and comment.

Once again: great job fellas, love the heart!

And to maelstrom...thanks are not enough...

Co-sign. great work everybody. I hope these work on a federal system because i am going to try to read the rest at work.

 

[mealstrom]

Like owl said, everyone please vote and critique! This isn't only for the authors to vote - this is for the entire fam to vote. So everyone from BGOL please vote for your favorites.

I haven't voted yet since I want to wait until I've read them all. I should be done hopefully by tonight and will be able to put my vote in!

 

[owl]

Contestants...DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL!!!

Alright?

I see the direction this could head into before Wednesday!!

 

[phillyphilly]

Good work guys.

 

[mealstrom]

Contestants...DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL!!!

Alright?

I see the direction this could head into before Wednesday!!

I was thinking the exact same thing. Hopefully any critiques or criticisms anyone gets will be used to help us get better, not make us angry. I know I get offended, angry, and confused when people criticize my work - but we all gotta put that on the back shelf and jst use this as a chance to get better.

I look forward to the day when we've had a ton of these contests and every single entry is fire. If we demand excellence with every contest all of our skills will grow.

 

[owl]

I was thinking the exact same thing. Hopefully any critiques or criticisms anyone gets will be used to help us get better, not make us angry. I know I get offended, angry, and confused when people criticize my work - but we all gotta put that on the back shelf and jst use this as a chance to get better.

I look forward to the day when we've had a ton of these contests and every single entry is fire. If we demand excellence with every contest all of our skills will grow.

Mastery. That's all it is about...lol...I know our pride in our work will make us want to respond and push the issue, but let's keep it clean, well clean enough to the point that I don't know who wrote what piece...

We are all pretty intelligent guys in this contest...let's show it.

 

[sakinnuso]

lol...yeah, we're aren't professional writers yet so criticism is the best way to get there. Can't wait for the comments once the voting closes, though.

 

[sakinnuso]

I do think that the voting process is interesting, though. I know that you can only vote once. I voted for a competitor's work, but most people only have ONE vote tallied. So unless the competitor(s) didn't vote for him/herself (and there are only 8 votes and 8 submissions), I'm thinking...huh?

 

[owl]

I do think that the voting process is interesting, though. I know that you can only vote once. I voted for a competitor's work, but most people only have ONE vote tallied. So unless the competitor(s) didn't vote for him/herself (and there are only 8 votes and 8 submissions), I'm thinking...huh?

Laughter...

Yeah, and I thought about it, back in the battle rhyme thread, I would vote for myself, mainly because it was more acceptable, and less of a show of craft as a show of heart and ability to dismantle the opponent. In this contest, I said,"naw, this is about craft."

I didn't vote for my favorite.

My favorite is my story: I know what the story could be, and maybe should've been, or will be one day.

I voted for the best written piece, the piece that made my jaw drop, and be like,"man, this cat needs a hug!!", as well as, "man, I need to learn how to be more descriptive and paint a full picture with my words."

That's part of the criteria with which I judged the pieces. Plus grammar, and the overall flow of the story, the entertainment factor.

Next time, I suggest we develop a list of criteria by which the story should be judged.

 

[Damian Stone]

Well I voted and I am not part of the submitters.
I tend to like stories that grab me from the get go and do not let me drift away since I get bored really quickly. Of all the stories, some of them went into directions that were absolutely amazing my pick is The Beast.
As a fellow writer (well a wannabe one anyways lol) I am not too comfortable with critiquing other fellow writers style because I believe in individuality but if it's an agreed part of the process I can give my feedback's on the various stories with my point of view.

 

[sakinnuso]

Laughter...

Yeah, and I thought about it, back in the battle rhyme thread, I would vote for myself, mainly because it was more acceptable, and less of a show of craft as a show of heart and ability to dismantle the opponent. In this contest, I said,"naw, this is about craft."

I didn't vote for my favorite.

My favorite is my story: I know what the story could be, and maybe should've been, or will be one day.

I voted for the best written piece, the piece that made my jaw drop, and be like,"man, this cat needs a hug!!", as well as, "man, I need to learn how to be more descriptive and paint a full picture with my words."

That's part of the criteria with which I judged the pieces. Plus grammar, and the overall flow of the story, the entertainment factor.

Next time, I suggest we develop a list of criteria by which the story should be judged.

This is a very good idea.
I judged based on technique, immersion, grammar and consistent perspective. Looking back on what's resonating with people, though, I can already see the fault in my submission. People seem to connect with the visceral immediacy of certain tales here and I played WAY too much into metaphor. At first, I was surprised because I really wondered why certain stories weren't doing much better? The one that I'll call the HUMOR story is hella funny, and the one in Pennsylvania is very strong on technique. The first time I tried to read The Beast, I didn't immediately get into it because I didn't get the narrator.

In fact, I tried 4x and until I saw the comments and votes. Then I read it again, fully, and it's really well done. I listen to a LOT of old time radio and the author employs a really pulpy similar style that thew me off at first because it was less first person narrative than first person rambling.

I should've stuck with it, though, because the descriptions are gripping and he dances right through the action like it's easy. Readers feel the claustrophobia and the desperation, which, in part is due to the way he plays with first person perspective alternately using the rules and breaking them.

So, yeah, I can see why The Beast is so popular. It's solid. The build up to the 'reveal' is appropriately dreadful. Props to that ninja, because I totally slept on it.

 

[Dannyblueyes]

After reading some of the other stories I know how I'm going to make my next one even better. Best of all, I'll be able to recycle it as an assignment in my creative writing class next term.

 

[mealstrom]

Man, I'm loving seeing the comments and sharing from other brothers here. I love collaborating like this. I can't wait until voting is over so we can get specific critiques on our stories. I have given some of my tips, but I know that those are just MINE and that they may be VERY different for someone else's. Someone else may have different tips/suggestions that are just as good if not better. That's why I love seeing what people have said! I've actually learned something to improve for my next story. Reading a comment someone made on my story really helped me see where I could have gone a slightly different way to make it a little better.

When I set up the polls I purposely DIDN'T make it so we could see who voted for what. I didn't want someone to feel bad for voting for their own story if they really felt it was the best. I also didn't want them catching shit for it. I'll admit that I was tempted just to automatically throw my vote toward mine immediately. Like someone said about their story, mine is my favorite because it's my baby. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's the BEST. So I decided to swallow my pride and just wait until I'm done reading to vote. It may still turn out that I vote for mine, but after seeing some of the quality shit people here have written I'm guessing my vote will go to someone else.

If anyone knows a way to set up the polls to allow 3 votes that would be great. I think it would give a bigger range for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.

Man, I am loving this shit! I'm having a lot of fun with all of this and I'm glad so many came out to participate. Now if we could only get a bit more of the fam voting things would be great. I almost wish I'd made it 5 days instead of 3 for the voting. I don't know how to go back and change it. Either way, whoever is winning on the 3rd day would probably still be winning on the 5th so it probably doesn't matter.

 

[(0_0)..l.. finger]

bump...Can I be in the next contest?

 

[sakinnuso]

Well, I'm down for talking about specific comments and critiques asap. I don't think that the voting will change dramatically in the next 24 hours. As soon as you guys say it's go, I'll start posting specifics...

 

[BigDaddyBuk]

just coming in to publicly apologize for not carrying my weight, i got my weekends mixed up.

that aint an excuse, just what happened. i'll post my story in a separate thread.

and what am i supposed to say in my sig? i bitched out or something?

 

[mealstrom]

just coming in to publicly apologize for not carrying my weight, i got my weekends mixed up.

that aint an excuse, just what happened. i'll post my story in a separate thread.

and what am i supposed to say in my sig? i bitched out or something?

If you post a story for us to read (you can post it in this thread) then you don't have to add that to your sig. If you don't submit a story then you have to put "I bitched out on BGOL's First Writing Contest." for a week. I think it'd be more fun to have another story to read than make fun of your sig line, so give us something to read!

 

[owl]

Yeah...

I think I'd like to know what everybody thought about mine as well. Regardless of, well...just regardless.

I'll say the most vivid story was, yeah, you guessed it, The Beast, although I didn't see how it correlated with the overall theme of the topic, it was well written, detail driven, and carried me all the way to the end. What I didn't like was the lack of dialogue. Of course the first person perspective helped me through that, I would have liked to get to know the other characters better.

Let see...

Dirty Elves, was another one of my favorites. I was a little upset with the rushed ending, and I'm sure it concluded in such a manner as to leave the reader thinking. It was picturesque due to the play on common mythology(heaven and hell, I apologize if that statement offends anyone.), and I could actually "see" the rooms the conversation was going on in. I was able to "feel" the son and the father characters and would like to see the son in another piece...*hint* *hint*...maybe the "kool aid" could be imbibed next time...*smiles*

Give me a second guys...

 

[sakinnuso]

Yeah...

I'll say the most vivid story was, yeah, you guessed it, The Beast, although I didn't see how it correlated with the overall theme of the topic...

This was a species encounter with an alien or mythological creature. Seemed dead on, actually. You could argue that the author met both requirements. The worms COULD be alien, but the minotaur was DEFINITELY mythological.

 

[Les W]

My Reviews

The Beast question: DOPE story! Why were they there in the first place? What's up with the worms? Nice job though felt sucked into the protagonist's shoes!


Afkan: The imagery was there, real true to the genre but I feel left out of some of the references.

The bartender slowly reached beneath the bar's serving area. To the untrained eye of the young nephilim, she never moved. To the slim figure hid in the darkness of a nearby booth with his romantic consort, the barkeep's whole head had been under the hollowed embankment twice. Each time looking back with an ashen fear engraved in her face, similar to the shadows engraved on the wall adjacent to the silent nightly hold up. For her, birth had been kind.

I feel like you know exactly what you are talking about I can see it but it seems like a dream scape hard to focus on any one thing. Seems a bit jumpy and it makes it hard to follow.
Nephilim is something I am somewhat familiar with, but I liked the millisecond play by play at the end nice device!

The Big Score: Grabbed me right away. Dope story moral lesson be damned lol.

"The scent of their eager desire sang to her like a siren song accompanied by a backing chorus of chaos that thrummed its way along the length and breadth of her slender back."

that's literature man!

“I guess the Mystery Method finally worked for him then.” And with that the trio all burst out laughing as Jerome’s BMW cut its way through the early morning road home.

I lol'd as well

* * *​

these would have been PERFECT for the next paragraph though

Damn You Dirty Elves: MUST READ for all you Lurkin Colins!!!! Dope how you played with the 1st second and third points of view while manipulating the characters, wish there was more of this

Junior took another hit, stared at the stogie, and closed his eyes tightly as he exhaled. He hoped that the light would be gone before he opened them. All that greeted him was smoke and more light. He steadied himself with another toke before creeping in to investigate.

Also yellow seemed to be a reoccurring image very nice device
Oh and @ "Praise Fudge"

“These new bite sized creations have 25% more chocolate than Chips Ahoy. They also contain enough cyanide to take out half a fucking orphanage. We'll call them Keebler Fudgie Bunnies.” The congregation responded in a mixed cheer of 'Hallelujah's' 'Praise Fudge' and 'Kill the Humans' Ernest J Keebler continued. “So far we've successfully tested these cookies on that annoying mailman.

Folk you got a GIFT!!

Masternation: Wow this is visual and resonates with me lol

I had feared my ostentatious five knuckle shuffle had alerted her to my presence, so I became completely stationary as to give the illusion of me being asleep, as I stood there awkwardly looking like a model for the missing link between man and ape.

Rosa!!

The Hunters: Very very well done storyline. I liked it a lot one of the most creative, seems like it could also be a novel

Titans: Wow my kinda thing here. The sci-fi, philosophical futurism's got me hooked already

Toidi wailed. A child’s cry. He was too close to freedom...

I did get kind of dizzy by the landscape, I am reading it again. I think a 2nd person description of the setting would have been really helpful at some point, especially since we are traveling through different realms.

I read it again and the ending had me a bit lost. The idea and the story is dope, would also make a good book I think

I voted for "Damn You Dirty Elves" btw good job!
The Big Score was a close second...very talented group might I say so meself

 

[Les W]

bump...Can I be in the next contest?

Come thru!

MEALSTROM: I might take the next one off, I need a break. I think we should do it readers (detailed reading and critique) and writers alternating each week, to prevent fatigue and block causing mediocre submissions and reviews...

 

[Lesane Crooks]

Next time, I suggest we develop a list of criteria by which the story should be judged.

Thatd prolly be a good idea.

I gotta be honest im still holdin back my overall story by story props/criticism until after the voting cause it could influence somebody who hasnt read them yet to read them with preconceived notions. BGOL made this past summers Star Trek kinda flat for me cause I kept hearing how great it was and why.

That said here are some of the elements of each story that I thought they bested the other submissions in.

Afkan - Dialogue
The Beast - Suspense, Cohesive Narration
The Big Score - Contemporary, End Twist
Damn You Dirty Elves - Humor, Irony, All Around Best
Masternation - Originality, Logical Technobabble
The Hunters - Character Fleshing
Titans - Concept, Personification
The War Room - Metaphorical Usage

I admit I was kinda torn between Beast and Elves. But like I kinda hinted for me Elves did well in so many of the other elements (character, end, metaphor, bringing the story full circle..etc). Plus Elves kinda focused more on the "fantasy in TODAYS world" than Beast IMO. Which is by no means hating on Beast. Cause for 1) its the best written of them all and 2) the cascading fear injected into every line is spine tingling.

Props to all.

 

[Les W]

Sorry if I jumped the gun for the reviews I didn't read the thread just opened them all up and made notes as I went along.

I think that critique and reviews at the end of the day is more important than the voting

it takes a lot of courage, time, and skill, to even do this so everyone is a winner IMO

 

[sakinnuso]

Yeah, the hardcore criticism is what I've been looking forward to. Getting high votes would be nice, but the fact that somebody read the work and has something good or ill to say about it is more than enough.

I hope people don't get too personal and decide to hold back. I think that the best way to grow is to actually listen to the good and the bad. I haven't written in prose form in years, so this Writing group was the PERFECT way to get me off my ass and get back in to prose-form writing. I *want* to improve, so all articulated criticism is welcome. It's ALL good.

I'll reveal my submission at the end, although I'll admit that my faves were Masternation and The Hunters. I can understand, however, why The Beast is doing so well. Mos Def might be one of the illest lyricists on wax, but put him against a seasoned battle rapper, and the battle rapper knows EXACTLY how to speak to the crowd. The Beast is hella strong in that way.

Here's my breakdown:

1. Afkan - I'll be honest, the idea that most of the story was taking place in silence was interesting, but beyond that, I didn't quite understand what was going on. I'm going to read it again, but my first impression was that the author's strength is dialogue and the short story format felt uncomfortable to the writer. Perhaps this would've been better served as in a screenplay? I know that there was some sort of giant, and I think we were in a bar. There was talk of war and some sort of familiarity between the characters, but beyond that, it was tough to tell exactly what we were doing or why. I gathered that everyone was 'thinking hard' (which was cool), but, again, I'd love to re-read this as a scene in a script.

2. The Beast - The obvious darling. I think I've said everything on this one in previous posts. Strong contender. Easy to see why it's a winner. Great job.

3. The Big Score - Caught me off guard. I wanted to alternate between giving props, then back, then props again. The first paragraph felt like the author was having fun with 1st person perspective. Because the words sounded intentionally rhythmic (Music Pumping, bass line heavy on the mass of ...), I starting thinking, "Oh shit! is this ninja about to tell the story from sing-songy griot perspective???!). Then, as I continued, I realized that the author tripped between 1st person and 3rd person without any rhyme or reason. The story was still coherent, but it reading distance was so far away that it was difficult to attach to anyone. Basically, the audience is asked to pull back far enough and just drift 'stream of consciousness' with the events very quickly. You 'feel' the club, for example, but then you're back out again and you're in a car, and then you're fucking some chick on the bed...

That technique can be a detriment or effective, but for me it was distracting. Props, though, because the overall horror effect of meeting the succubus was cool (because I was wondering how you intended to drop the contest theme in). Oddly, this story reminded me of the visual intro to the movie Belly. We're drifting in and out of a world so quickly getting snatches of visual cues. This club-world of London is cool and sexy. The people? I don't know because we never get near them...
I'd love to read more from this author, though. I still think there's something lyrical in how he writes...

4. Damn You Dirty Elves - Tripped me up because the tonal shifts were HELLA strong. When I first started reading all of the stories, I skimmed through the first paragraph just to see if I was feeling the perspective. Was it strong? Was the shit too descriptive? Do the characters grab me? Etc...

This was the first story that made me go "SOLID. REVISIT LATER". The descriptions are brief but immediate. "Time did not agree with the old man. Though he looked young for his sixty-one years, the Reverend Ezekiel Grey felt every second march him closer to the gates of Hell."

Those two sentences told you a LOT, and the rest of the story reads just as effectively. Then, just when you assume that this is going to be a weighty read, insert the comedy. I'd forgotten the assignment, honestly. I was so into the unspoken drama between pops and son, that i'd forgotten that we were supposed to have a supernatural twist. When it came, I was just as disbelieving as the protagonist...and I'm not high! Hilarious....

 

[owl]

Sorry if I jumped the gun for the reviews I didn't read the thread just opened them all up and made notes as I went along.

I think that critique and reviews at the end of the day is more important than the voting

it takes a lot of courage, time, and skill, to even do this so everyone is a winner IMO

Naw, YOU did right.

Even my "review" was pussyfooting. I can respect that critique, it was solid.

 

[godofwine]

Laughter...

Yeah, and I thought about it, back in the battle rhyme thread, I would vote for myself, mainly because it was more acceptable, and less of a show of craft as a show of heart and ability to dismantle the opponent. In this contest, I said,"naw, this is about craft."

I didn't vote for my favorite.

My favorite is my story: I know what the story could be, and maybe should've been, or will be one day.

I voted for the best written piece, the piece that made my jaw drop, and be like,"man, this cat needs a hug!!", as well as, "man, I need to learn how to be more descriptive and paint a full picture with my words."

That's part of the criteria with which I judged the pieces. Plus grammar, and the overall flow of the story, the entertainment factor.

Next time, I suggest we develop a list of criteria by which the story should be judged.

I had to whittle a lot down. I got done it it was over 3000 words. Man, I got it down to 2700 before I just couldn't cut any more. If I would have painted the whole picture I wouldn't have been able to tell the story. I tried to be descriptive enough, but in the end if I was writing a book I would have done just that, and maybe I will, still.

I am an amateur writer, and I feel proud by the fact that my skill belies my mere Cleveland Public School education. This is a testament to some really great teachers who took the time to make sure that we learned. I give them all the credit in the world because for them their job was more than just showing up and not giving a damn if we learned or not and I want to take a little time to thank them for it. So thanks again Mrs. Sheryl Harvey (R.I.P.) and Mr. Jonathan Fairman (Cleveland School of the Arts). These two people along with my mother made me the writer that I am. My mother for getting me into reading books far ahead of my grade level much sooner than my age/grade said I should (I was reading Stephen King & Isaac Asimov at age 8).

 

[godofwine]

Here are some tips for the writers out there

Here is a bunch of tips
http://research-writing-techniques.suite101.com/

Here is one that stuck out

Tips for Novel Writers: Fleshing Out Characters
Know Your Characters Inside Out

© Julie Burtinshaw
Jul 16, 2007
Let Your Characters Take Risks, J Burtinshaw
The following exercises will help you to build realistic, believable characters for your novel or short story.

Too often, beginning writers make the mistake of focusing on plot and forgetting that plot is closely tied to characterization. In order to be a great story-teller, it is imperative to understand who your characters are and how they will react to various situations. This takes practice and the following exercises are designed to assist emerging authors to flush out their characters before they begin to write about them.
Learn To Write About People Who Are Unlike You

Practice writing from different points of view in your daily journal. (If you don't have a daily journal, start one right away). Think of a traumatic or upsetting event that happened to you in the recent past. Write down everything you remember about it in first person, present tense. When you have completed this, rewrite the whole thing in third person, and then again in second person.
Find Out Who Your Characters Are

Ask the following questions about your characters:

* What do they like to eat? What don't they like to eat?
* What are their favorite colors?
* Do they like to read? What are their most treasured books?
* What motivates them?
* What do they do with their spare time?
* What is their family background?
* What is their education level?
* How do they dress?
* What kind of music do they listen to?
* Who are their friends? Enemies?
* Do they like animals?
* What does their favorite tee-shirt say?
* Do they have a cell phone? A blackberry?
* What kind of car do they drive?
* Do they like sports?
* Are they competitive?
* What is the condition of their teeth?
* How long is their hair?

Think of your characters as new friends you are getting to know and find out everything you can about them. Jot down your observations in a note book that you can refer back to when writing.
Discover How Your Characters React To Specific Situations

Play with your characters. Place them in different scenarios and explore their reactions.
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How would your characters react to the following risky or challenging situations?

* Climbing a glacier
* Jumping out of an plane
* Sailing solo around the world
* Becoming a rock star
* Being stuck in an elevator
* Hosting a large dinner party
* Discovering he/she has a terminal illness

Naming Your Characters

Experiment with different names for your characters and don't be afraid to change their names in the middle of a story. As you grow more familiar with your characters, certain names will become more suited to their emerging personalities.

Once you know your characters inside out, they will begin to say things you don't expect, or do things you hadn't planned on. It is at this point that your story will take on a life of its own. The plot will emerge as a direct result of the actions of your characters and suddenly the writing will seem easy.

Read more: http://research-writing-techniques.suite101.com/article.cfm/fleshing_out_characters#ixzz0RmHsHgMr

 

[owl]

This was a species encounter with an alien or mythological creature. Seemed dead on, actually. You could argue that the author met both requirements. The worms COULD be alien, but the minotaur was DEFINITELY mythological.

Touche.