VOTE! BGOL Writing Contest 1

[Lesane Crooks]

"Damn You Dirty Elves" by Dannyblueyes
Slovenly son of a pious preacher eavesdrops on naughty gnomes with schemes of subterfuge via culinary contamination.

Complete, good humor, irony and juxtaposition of the mundane with the eerie
light on deeper emotive expression, shit I dont even know -great fuggin story


Bruh Dan,

This was of all the submissions the best executed IMHO to the point the story in its brevity is as complete as a story 100 times longer. You get the background and angst of the preacher, the dysfunctional lifestyle of his son, the odd circumstance of his sons demise and the future implications of all that has transpired wrapped up neatly.

As I strain to find some genuine shortcomings the only ones I can come up with are those that are illuminated when putting Elves against some of the other more technically astute pieces that being the double edged sword that constitutes light drama. Even though you avoid having to express deeper connections, impact and metaphorical colors you also dont get to explore those aspects of the character and their interactions (as if comparing Will Smiths performance of Men in Black against say 7 Pounds). Both satisfying in their aims but to a degree the one with a more personal story -to borrow a phrase from Sakinnuso- "hits you in the gut". To be fair you did give us some insight into the personal conflict thru the father but it kinda gets lost when the meat of the story takes place with junior as the protagonist.

I cant say it enough the draw of this piece for me was that it combined the strengths of the more contextual pieces -Beast, Titans and Hunters-, the wit and grit of the more down to earth pieces -Afkan, Big Score, War Room, Faires- and the creativity and fun of Masternation.

Kudos.

 

[Lesane Crooks]

"Masternation" by Sampson
A young man finds that autoeroticism leads to self pleasure and the ability to interact with/traverse other dimensions.

cultural indicators, creative, excellent humor/Banter dialogue and technobabble
1 dimensional, amorphous structure (no conflict/plot/resolution), no real passion for the events at stake

The story is simplistic which is obviously more of a positive in short story format. You got your story in all its light hearted splendor to come across. However like Elves, if you overanalyze a bit the characters seem a tad one dimensional (pun intended) when compared to the depth of those in other stories. They dont present any challenge, restriction or consequence of the breach...they just are (similar to the Hunters).

But thats an overanalysis. The real deal is the 2D dudes have personality and are very well discriminated by their dialogue. They are down to earth and share the quirkiness of your average fantastic voyage tour guide (a la the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland). Jerome does a good job holding down the methodical persona amidst a bizarre situation that I think any of us could identify with if we were thrust into that situation (similar dynamic in Elves and Hunters).

Im with dude tho...why would a hetero dude rather jerk off to porn if hes got a supposedly down spanish chica for a roommate? . You should mos def do a sequel where Rosa gets to meet the "masturnates" either by busting in on Jerome or by self stimulation on her end.....tapping into the line so to speak.

 

[Lesane Crooks]

"The Hunters" by godofwine
Amid a casual stroll thru the forest a nature lover crosses path with an elusive pack of game hunting pygmies.

top notch character fleshing, good suspense
tad anticlimactic, absent of modern indicators, repetitive sentence structure

Bruh GoW,

As I mentioned with Masturnation this type of story is hard to critique mostly because there is next to no conflict/resolution as the plot engine runs on the discovery of the magical beings. But after that initial confrontation there is no real grabbing theme hence very little to let go of/take with you when the story is over. Also a sidenote -something I too had/have an issue with- is the overuse of the definite article (THE) and pronouns (HE, WE, THEY...) to start the bulk of your sentences. Mixing up the structure is like seasoning....it wakes up bland cuisine and makes those already good that much better.

It goes without saying though that those are very minor when you take into consideration how masterfully you executed the overall idea. From jump it felt easy to place myself in the central characters perspective (again like Elves and Masturnation). The way you fleshed out the hunters was nothing short of masterful (sculpting their literary image in stages). Amateur or not you brought together the elements to make an engaging suspense story on par with skill shown by Mealstrom.

 

[Lesane Crooks]

"Titans" by Sakinnuso
A mountain climber tries to reassure himself whilst being pursued by forces resolute on denying his ascent.

good concept, top notch personification/imagery/tension, poetic
lacked definite fantasy element, hazy symbolism,

Bruh Sakinnuso,

This story is -like Mealstroms submission- perfectly composed. At issue though was this concept that was amorphous and we as the audience needed for you to shape it for us. Even before you clarified some of the double entendre I understood that the events and characters were symbolic of a deeper struggle. But sometimes when you drift toward the deep you leave lot of folk behind on the shallow end. Better said:

I was aiming for resonance when I should've just tried for a gut punch. LOL. Anyway, Toidi, or Idiot, and G'Mekro, or Jim Crowe, were subatomic. They were the aliens and WE were the Titans, and Toidi's people were, quite literally, trying to find their freedom on the BACKS of a fool's quest...which happened to be OUR very REAL ancestors. That mountain? Wasn't a mountain, but from Toidi's subatomic perspective, it was.

In a crazy way your clarification was just if not more poignant than the story itself. Therein lies the dichotomy of either trying to massage a more coherent message out of your work or leaving the mysticism intact. Both are good goals but if you can find a way to do both....watch out there now.

In the end I think this story was the most complex of the submissions and therefore the one with the most difficulty being understood and vibed with. Either way, no way in hell this story should have got not gotten a vote.

 

[Lesane Crooks]

"The War Room" by Les W
Military and government officials come to the realization that plants -long having had sentience- are displeased with human affairs and issue ultimatums regarding their fates.

excellent metaphors, fluid character interaction, good technobabble
divergent conflicts, no real passion for the events at stake

Bruh Les,

Of all the stories this one IMHO had the best starting concept with the theme in mind. While it was cool that you framed the story around a group exterior to the central conflict (the war room) the connection between the motives of the groups wasnt clearly focused. Even within the war room group the dialogue had no depth outside of the commander. I felt as if the "oh snap" moment I felt upon the end revelation should have been shared by some of the characters in the story.

But like Rod Serling in a preshow TZ commentary the first dog in chief did a good job with the dry humor in compensating for the lack of human input. The idea of the plant schemes, tolerance and boiling point was vivid, captivating and practical. Bottom line is you give me your story, a decent scriptwriter, a few milli and Mark Wahlberg and I could give you in return a movie 3 fold better than "the Happening".

 

[Lesane Crooks]

"Mangled Some Fairies After the Club" by Coldchi
Confident, misogynistic and unapologetic a young fellow puts his pimp hand down on those who would test his machismo.

Raw, good Wit and humor, lots of colorful language.
Raw, 1 dimensional, Over Metaphorized

Bruh ColdChi,

Cold doesnt even begin to describe the vibe of this one. Ice Cold. This is the pimped out version of Shaft meets Spottieottiedopalicious. Daym, Daym, Daym,...James. Besides being an all out bitch slap of the Violence Against Women Act this story was downright funny. Had a bruh almost in tears on this one (@ the stomping the fairy like a bag of pork rinds). But if you look deeper past the biting insults and bravado the story has probably the least conflict of all the stories. Dude simply goes around bullying with no real point other than to get what he wants, be it ass or cash. You show signs of really being able to integrate your secondary characters with the main but his takes-no-shit style actually detracts from the depth that you were able to show.

Consequently, most of the negs I can draw from this story are not so much about how your story was composed as opposed to what it is about. So saying its subjective is an understatement. Even though your story didnt take itself too serious it is evident you have true skill when it comes to painting your characters with the interaction you assign.

 

[Mello Mello]

 

[Dannyblueyes]

This thread died an untimely death. Lets see if I can bring it back with this....

Little Raymond Learns about Stealing

http://www.zshare.net/download/74791613ba622e8f/

 

[godofwine]

Let's bring this back

 

[Dannyblueyes]

I'm in

 

[godofwine]

I just watched Finding Forrester again today. We need to do this thing again, y'all.

 

[godofwine]

bump

 

[ansatsusha_gouki]

brings back memories

 

[ansatsusha_gouki]

 

[godofwine]

Let's do this again, yo. I'm ready.

 

[ansatsusha_gouki]

Let's do this again, yo. I'm ready.

I would love to do another contest.....I havent seen maelstrom since towards the end of last year