VOTE! Apocalypse Writing Contest

[godofwine]

I can see that heads are still on that bullshit disproportionate voting tip again.

I wouldn't say that just yet. I mean, maybe they are taking the time to read them before they vote, which I hope. I hope they aren't voting after only reading one or two.

I hope the mods can sticky this for a couple of days so everybody can find it.

 

[ansatsusha_gouki]

I wouldn't say that just yet. I mean, maybe they are taking the time to read them before they vote, which I hope. I hope they aren't voting after only reading one or two.

I hope the mods can sticky this for a couple of days so everybody can find it.

 

[ansatsusha_gouki]

can we get a sticky

 

[Mr MajestiK]

I wouldn't say that just yet. I mean, maybe they are taking the time to read them before they vote, which I hope. I hope they aren't voting after only reading one or two.

I hope the mods can sticky this for a couple of days so everybody can find it.

If a story as well structured and realized as The Long Walk hasn't garnered a single vote (and no, I didn't write that excellent piece) then it's obvious that there are some serious haters up in this mofo.

 

[godofwine]

If a story as well structured and realized as The Long Walk hasn't garnered a single vote (and no, I didn't write that excellent piece) then it's obvious that there are some serious haters up in this mofo.

I don't think it is hate, but people voting without reading all of the stories. The Long Walk is the second to last entry so unfortunately that may add to the reason it is not generating votes as you think it should. There is no surefire way to make any kind of voting level. At least this kind of voting won't allow people to cheat.

Yay! It got stickied. Thanks mods.

 

[Lesane Crooks]

If a story as well structured and realized as The Long Walk hasn't garnered a single vote (and no, I didn't write that excellent piece) then it's obvious that there are some serious haters up in this mofo.

But theres only 4 votes so far...3 excluding my own. Folks are prolly still reading.


Im kinda cool with the idea -if possible- of doing a multiple vote. Cause take last contest for instance...there was NO WAY Saks Titans was a 0-vote story. But if you judge em with weighted factors and then have to choose just one then a travesty like that can occur. Bringing it back to this contest, Long Walk was good in some of the ways that Mealstroms was last time but when compared with Community it didnt nearly hit the theme as squarely which is a high factor for me.

I still get what you say about the voting taking too much precedence tho. Focus is better spent on the feedback.

 

[mealstrom]

But theres only 4 votes so far...3 excluding my own. Folks are prolly still reading.


Im kinda cool with the idea -if possible- of doing a multiple vote. Cause take last contest for instance...there was NO WAY Saks Titans was a 0-vote story. But if you judge em with weighted factors and then have to choose just one then a travesty like that can occur. Bringing it back to this contest, Long Walk was good in some of the ways that Mealstroms was last time but when compared with Community it didnt nearly hit the theme as squarely which is a high factor for me.

I still get what you say about the voting taking too much precedence tho. Focus is better spent on the feedback.

I think if I ever do multiple voting I'll also do it as open voting so that everyone can see who voted for what. That way if one person voted for the same story more than once their votes don't count.

I haven't looked at the voting yet - waiting until I finish. Can't wait to get to all of them! Lots of good shit here.

 

[future2001]

Like Winning is something we all strive to do and should in anything you do but in this situation... I know I want to win... and there's still time I can get a vote or two maybe...

But in the end I want to be a better writer and the critiques will help that. Writing is a lonely... one man affair... and when you are trapped in your story, you don't see things another person would. You're too focused with your blinders on. Another person might say wtf were you thinking with this part or that part.

I've been holding off my critiques until later cause it's very easy to sway votes... one person says yo this is great... then people will read that, agree, and vote without reading the others. But that's how these things go and that's the risk you take.

I'll let everyone know which one I wrote after it's done.

The next contest I'm in... or if not I'll definetely critique and help others get better. Sometimes we can get discouraged and say fuck it, these ninjas aiint voting, they aiint reading every peice, and that's cool. But fuck that, in the end it's about the CRAFT, and if you're serious about writing as I am or anyone else. You won't mind loosing to win in the end.

Good luck everyone.

 

[godofwine]

I think if I ever do multiple voting I'll also do it as open voting so that everyone can see who voted for what. That way if one person voted for the same story more than once their votes don't count.

I haven't looked at the voting yet - waiting until I finish. Can't wait to get to all of them! Lots of good shit here.

Good idea. Do you want me to do a mock and have BGOL vote on some pretty girls to see how the voting would work?

 

[Echelon]

Man, I'm completely torn. There are 3 (maybe 4) that are simply fantastic. Two of them are beautifully executed and two are simply poetic. Of those 3-4, guess I must decide which better exemplifies all conditions of the theme. So far, this is my third read of ALL the entries, and I'm enjoying EVERY narrative thoroughly.

I do feel though, that I should take an aside and address the whole issue of proofing.

• In writing, especially "creative" writing, we tend to write how we speak. Even when developing characters whose mannerisms fall far outside what we would consider even normal, we most always write in ways familiar to us. That being said it is wholly important to proofread thoroughly, as having the style and substance of the narrative present in the "mind's eye" can very easily cause one to be blind to very substantial errors.
  
  Sometimes this manifests itself in the form of conjugational errors, wherein the the subject-verb agreement is just off. Other times it is simply a case of a word or two being omitted. Other instances can be more severe, like when a sentence fragment is left in during editing and not removed. Again though, because the writer already knows what should be there, they miss the fact that it's not. That's just how our brains work.
  
  With the goal of exercises such as this one being to construct the most fully immersive piece we can, we sometimes go crazy employing descriptive terms and fragments. These though, can be a detriment if the clause in question drags on far beyond what is needed and indeed destroys the context of the original idea. I would say that while complex sentences do express ideas more completely, packing every adverb and simile you can imagine into one paragraph-long sentence is a bad idea and can very easily repulse the reader. I'm speaking from experience though, as my verbosity lends me quite frequently to committing this offense.
  
  Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. Again, complex sentences are great and all, but sometimes, you need to just separate two ideas. Periods are our friends. Be diverse in the nature of the sentence composition, so the reader doesn't become fatigued from the structural repetition. Break it up. The structure should be as engaging as the content.
  
  Spelling... ugh. There's just NO excuse for misspelling. Even now, my browser, my BROWSER even, is doing a word-by-word spell check as I type this, so there's simply no reason to misspell stuff unless you're writing in Notepad... or doing it on purpose to make a point; and that situation is something we should always use sparingly unless we execute the practice expertly. If a Notepad-like application is your only option, then I'd say get something like OpenOffice, which is a free and very richly featured Office Suite, comparable to MS Office. Now as for the "their/ there/ they're" issue, I'd say that's just a matter of proofreading again. It happens to the best of us sometimes.
  
  Lastly, I'll simply reiterate; proofread. Like I mentioned earlier, it's easy to miss so many terrible errors because your mind simply fills the blanks. To be most effective, give yourself time to step back and engage the narrative from a stranger's perspective. Forget what should be there, and read what IS there. I've already spotted a couple of "oop's" in my story that I hope no one else catches. Of course, I can always say, "it's fantasy and that's how it's supposed to look"

Anyway, back to re-reading!

 

[Les W]

The only problem with this is that if only 4 people can enter per contest then a lot of people are going to stop even trying. Look at how many people get left out of the contests now - if even more got left out then more and more people would start to get less and less interested. IMO the answer is to get BGOL used to reading more, not cater to those that don't read.

I think a big problem this time around is people just plain not sticking to the limit. If people are expecting to read 1500 words or so, but then get double that then they're going to lose interest. It's also my PERSONAL opinion that if you can't keep your story within the contest limits then you either chose an idea that's too big for you are proving you don't have the writing skills to refine your product to the contest size.



I can't win for losing! Last contest I didn't post my voting criteria and got reviews out the first day. I got a lot of PMs telling me why I was wrong for both of those and that I needed to delete my posts until a few days later. Now I post my voting criteria and wait a few days to post my reviews and I get the same thing.

I know you're just giving your opinion Les and it's all good. There's nothing wrong with it. But there's no way to please everyone. So I want it known up front what I'm going to be looking at with the stories, so that way when I post my reviews/critiques people can see why I voted the way I did. I encourage everyone else to post their criteria too.



The great thing about this is we're all going to have different ways of doing things and different things that are important to us with the stories. That means every contest is fair when it comes to the winners. We all have our own ways of voting, critiquing, writing, etc. I will read the stories, I'll put in my vote, and I'll write my critiques. It'll all get done eventually in whatever order I have time to get them done.

What I am suggesting is for the betterment of all involved...we are men or at least we are supposed to be right? Why risk sinking the ship just because you don't want to hurt FEELINGS by turning people away?

Also if people can't stick to the word limit then don't post their story until they fix it...I guess I am cold hearted but I don't NEVER throw out the baby with the bathwater

Hey don't say I didn't try to help

 

[godofwine]

My sister told me that there were errors in my story. She said (not just because she is my sister):

"A tip for you before submitting to the actual website: Re-read your entire story before submitting your final draft. I know it takes a lot out of you to type to your heart's content and to be glad that you're finally done, but a little self-proofing would prevent any embarrassing typos from slipping through the cracks."

I asked what were they. I reread it, already. and she said:

"Re-read it and you will see."

I was hoping for more than that.

 

[Les W]

Like Winning is something we all strive to do and should in anything you do but in this situation... I know I want to win... and there's still time I can get a vote or two maybe...

But in the end I want to be a better writer and the critiques will help that. Writing is a lonely... one man affair... and when you are trapped in your story, you don't see things another person would. You're too focused with your blinders on. Another person might say wtf were you thinking with this part or that part.

I've been holding off my critiques until later cause it's very easy to sway votes... one person says yo this is great... then people will read that, agree, and vote without reading the others. But that's how these things go and that's the risk you take.

I'll let everyone know which one I wrote after it's done.

The next contest I'm in... or if not I'll definetely critique and help others get better. Sometimes we can get discouraged and say fuck it, these ninjas aiint voting, they aiint reading every peice, and that's cool. But fuck that, in the end it's about the CRAFT, and if you're serious about writing as I am or anyone else. You won't mind loosing to win in the end.

Good luck everyone.

We got a Red Pill/Blue Pill Scenario Here:

Either the FOCUS is voting

or

The FOCUS is bettering your craft

Can't serve two masters homie learned that early

 

[mealstrom]

What I am suggesting is for the betterment of all involved...we are men or at least we are supposed to be right? Why risk sinking the ship just because you don't want to hurt FEELINGS by turning people away?

Also if people can't stick to the word limit then don't post their story until they fix it...I guess I am cold hearted but I don't NEVER throw out the baby with the bathwater

Hey don't say I didn't try to help

It's all good man - disagreements and different ideas are what will make these contests better and better as time goes on.

My sister told me that there were errors in my story. She said (not just because she is my sister):

"A tip for you before submitting to the actual website: Re-read your entire story before submitting your final draft. I know it takes a lot out of you to type to your heart's content and to be glad that you're finally done, but a little self-proofing would prevent any embarrassing typos from slipping through the cracks."

I asked what were they. I reread it, already. and she said:

"Re-read it and you will see."

I was hoping for more than that.

I've learned that I NEVER catch errors on the computer screen. I have to print them up and read it - then I catch a million. Don't know why that is.

 

[Echelon]

...
I've learned that I NEVER catch errors on the computer screen. I have to print them up and read it - then I catch a million. Don't know why that is.

That's a great point. I think because it's a new medium and you're unfamiliar with that form of presentation of the material, you see the content as it really is and not how you expect it to be.

 

[future2001]

I always have to have other eyes on my stuff.

To the red pill blue pill scenario... in this scenario... it's not life or death if you don't win. There's no publishing contract coming out of this. No big screen movie deal. So a lost here won't impact your life.

But the critiques can impact your life... especially if you're trying to get better... then you might get a publishing deal or sell your screen play etc...

Multiple voting is a good idea... especially if we can see who voted for the same story twice... that way we can throw that vote out.

 

[godofwine]

I've learned that I NEVER catch errors on the computer screen. I have to print them up and read it - then I catch a million. Don't know why that is.

I know you are right. I just KNOW that that was the problem.

We got a Red Pill/Blue Pill Scenario Here:

Either the FOCUS is voting

or

The FOCUS is bettering your craft

Can't serve two masters homie learned that early

I have to use it on you.

 

[Damian Stone]

OK my critiques, I was brutally honest and I expect the same in return! I voted for the one I liked most besides mines.

A Brief Convo

This is totally personal but stories that start with any form of sex is a turn off for me, even when I used to watch porn, I made sure to watch the cheap "mise en situation" that led to the sex scenes and usually fast-forwarded the sex until the next cheap setup.
Which means I had a hard time reading this story. By the time the story started developing I was completely confused. Honestly I finished the story and read it over twice, or tried to and I barely have any idea what it's about.

The Ultimate Revenge

Good story overall, I feel that it did not really follow the parameters of the topic, I feel this could be a good fantasy type story if it was longer with more details, for example; That power to become invisible with the heart rate, was it unique? Was it genetic? Was the protagonist the enlightened one of the legends?? How did he find out about it in the first place? (how do you know you're invisible if you are alone...) I like it, but wrong topic.

The long Walk

Very good story, selfishly I like it because in it I see elements of things I could of come up with myself, paragraph spacings taught me a lesson, thanks!
Stayed within the topic's boundaries and was easy to read and follow.
Good Job!

Lycaon

Good story, some sentences are off which gives it a weird feel, as if it's either a child or the narrator has only a basic understanding of current english.
Somehow though it does work for the story, as if it was some kind of sinister beginning of a children's book written by children.
The story was within the topic and should probably be completed as a book, whether keeping the weird syntax though is up for debate.

Devil in the detail

Interesting take on Armageddon, probably the most complete story of the bunch (yes, including mines), I do not have any negatives for this one.
Well done!

Desolate Fears

I do not have much to say about this story, while it was pretty good, it left me feeling unsatisfied, I can't even explain why...Maybe a longer, richer version is needed...

ArkKnight

Well I am a sucker for the bible so I enjoyed this one a lot, the ending was kind of a let down for me, so much action and ending with flipping channels
Still I liked it. Good Job!

Community

I could not read past the first line, sorry buddy!

 

[future2001]

i agree with you on the brief convo... the sex throws it off... from the beginning leaving you jarred and confused... im still re reading that one before i critique it fully.

 

[ansatsusha_gouki]

@Damian Stone


Thanx for your input


I wrote Lycaon I try not to give to much away since Im gonna turn it into a book.........Been working on it for a few months now....The story takes place 50 years after the events happened.


I agree I with you about my sentences its been my achilles heel for a long time and I'm trying to work on that now...

 

[mealstrom]

I always have to have other eyes on my stuff.

To the red pill blue pill scenario... in this scenario... it's not life or death if you don't win. There's no publishing contract coming out of this. No big screen movie deal. So a lost here won't impact your life.

But the critiques can impact your life... especially if you're trying to get better... then you might get a publishing deal or sell your screen play etc...

Multiple voting is a good idea... especially if we can see who voted for the same story twice... that way we can throw that vote out.

That's a great point and something I am keeping in mind this time around. I'm making sure with every story to give both positives of the story, and give the things I would change to make it better. You're right in that bragging rights are great for us competative folk (I'm competative as hell ), but when it comes down to it we could get a LOT of use out of these contests by posting honest critiques.

I've critiqued half of them so far and am working on the other half. I'm being brutally honest, so everyone remember that I don't know who wrote what and it's not personal.

 

[Damian Stone]

@Damian Stone


Thanx for your input


I wrote Lycaon I try not to give to much away since Im gonna turn it into a book.........Been working on it for a few months now....The story takes place 50 years after the events happened.


I agree I with you about my sentences its been my achilles heel for a long time and I'm trying to work on that now...

Well I can easily see it as a book, You might need a good editor though if you are taking it to a marketable level, somebody who will not twist your meanings too much. I know this lady who published her memoirs and she asked me to help out for her second book and I was shocked to find out that the editor had pretty much rewritten the whole damn book, every page was full of red

 

[ansatsusha_gouki]

Well I can easily see it as a book, You might need a good editor though if you are taking it to a marketable level, somebody who will not twist your meanings too much. I know this lady who published her memoirs and she asked me to help out for her second book and I was shocked to find out that the editor had pretty much rewritten the whole damn book, every page was full of red

Ill be mad if an editor rewrote my book....

Whenever, I finished writing this book I'm gonna try out this publisher that Mealstrom gave in one of his thread a few months ago.....I got enought material for 2 books so far since all I've been doing is writing timeline and outline for them...Currently Im working my first draft now.....I want everything to be perfect...lol...its gonna have riddles,the supernatural and your usual detective themes in it..

 

[future2001]

lol which they might do if they got you under contract and already cut you a check...

 

[Damian Stone]

Guys no matter who wins this friendly competition of ours I want to thank all of you who read my story and gives your critique/feedback's. This is officially my first story!
I always wanted to write but never transferred the stories from my brain to reality before. Thanks for the opportunity!

 

[CaliChampNo.1]

Really good stories. I'll hopefully be able to critique them tomorrow.

Word.

I'm glad I caught this thread. I had to search for the older one way after it was done.

 

[mealstrom]

Alright, here are my reviews. All brutally honest. I hope they all help everyone out! First off, a few notes for everyone:

1. If a contest has rules, you can't expect to win if you don't stick with them. If you enter a pie baking contest and show up with a cake you can't expect to win. I felt that a lot of people submitted stories that didn't really fit with the theme or were WAY over the limit.

2. Punctuation, Grammar, Spelling - There's no excuse for bad spelling these days. Punctuation and grammar are important to learn. If you don't bother learning the rules to writing then you probably are never going to get good at it. There's a reason why there are writing rules - it's because the human brain works in a certain way, and improper punctuation is the very first thing to derail our minds when reading a story. It's by far the most important thing.

Okay, on to the critiques!

A Brief Convo:
I had a really hard time getting into this story. The grammar and spelling errors made you really have to work to understand what was going on. Although I love the idea of an alternate-reality sort of story, this one was pretty confusing. There was too much going on for a story as short as this one. I also thought it was pretty coincidental that the main character was sleeping with not only the Queen of Africa, but also the current Nobel Prize winner, as well as both of them being hot and bisexual. That aside though, I really think it’s important to think about how a character would talk. I felt like Bebe (the Nobel Prize winner) talked a lot like a high school dropout hood rat. That’s why it’s so important to find the right voice for each character. If someone is a highly educated woman then it’s vitally important to make her sound like a highly educated woman. And if she doesn’t talk like one then it’s important to tell WHY she doesn’t.

I was also confused that in the first paragraph he says “My white hands”, and at the end he says “I was the only non-white there.” Was the guy white or not?

I liked the idea toward the end (when we FINALLY got to it) as a kind of new Roman Colliseum, or a Running Man sort of thing. A game that (I think) takes prisoners and makes the fight to the death. I also like the differences in realities. I also loved that the author managed to cover a lot of history in a very short space. He very smoothly managed to show a whole range of events. I just don’t exactly know what the story was about. I also don’t see how it was post-apocalyptic. Alternate reality yes, post wars yes, but post apocalyptic is a theme that means humanity has been virtually destroyed. Hence the phrase Post Apocalyptic (After the Apocalypse).

ArkKnight
Wow, this was a great story. I was drawn in right away and wanted to know the back stories on all the team members. I wanted to know more about all their powers, how they met, who they were, etc. I also loved that it was supposed to coincide with the WTC towers falling – really cool concept. I also thought the four riders came across really cool. Great descriptions and great differences in personalities. It really helped to make each character unique and different.

It was hard to find something to critique with this story, but it wouldn’t be fair to not give an area of possible improvement. The only thing I would change about this story is that as a general rule sounds a person makes shouldn’t be written out. And if they are, it should be as rare as possible. This one had a lot of grunting, screaming, etc. Those sounds shouldn’t be spelled out in quotes – they should be alluded to or described, but it sounds awkward when the character actually says them. For instance, which is easier to read:
1. “Yahhh!” I lunged forward and sliced into him.
2. My roar echoed across the landscape and I lunged forward, slicing into him.

The same problem comes when you have big bad-ass War saying “Hehehehehe”. Whereas in your head it may sound like a deep, booming chuckle in another person’s head they may read it as a girlish giggle. You want to craft the image inside their head, not leave it up to them.
Also, it’s a small thing but I’ve noticed that a lot of amateur writers like to use Japanese blades for some reason. Katanas are almost always the favorite. When you read a lot of books with swordplay they almost never specifically call out a Katana, even if the description of the blade reminds you of one.

Community:
This was the first actual Post-Apocalyptic story I read. It held very true to the contest rules. I loved the idea of a catastrophe that we didn’t cause. Most of the post-apocalyptic stuff we read/see is something we caused. The idea of a solar flare is really good. I also LOVE the idea of a paranoid guy saving up for an eventual crisis like this being the one who is surviving. Him stockpiling weapons and supplies was a great idea. I also thought it was brilliant to have icebergs be the only source of clean water, but then have those very icebergs be polluted by ancient alien bacteria that affected humanity. That part alone could have been an entire book all by itself. Really cool concept. The evolving dogs was a damned cool idea too.
This story is a perfect example of not having to give a lot of details about something to make you understand what is happening. Besides knowing that the main character was a crazy conspiracy theorist who ended up being saved by his craziness, you really don’t know much about him. There’s absolutely no backstory on the other characters either, but you still get a great sense of knowing the characters anyway. Sometimes less is more, and this story proves that.

The thing I would DEFINITELY improve is punctuation and grammar. The punctuation was just horrible my man. It makes it really hard to follow the flow of a story when the punctuation is off. Also, when you’re having the character think you don’t need the quotes. Just italics is fine. If you do quotes and italics in can make our brain fight to hear the character speaking and thinking – which interrupts the flow of the story. Also verb-tense agreement is important too. For instance:
“there was massive food and water riots” should be “there were massive food and water riots”. That’s the kind of thing that can knock a great story down a few points.

The only other thing is that when you are describing a scene it’s up to you to build it in their heads. If you don’t seem to know what you’re talking about then how is the reader supposed to? When you said “inside there was some kind of mush” it made it seem like even you didn’t know what was in there. You either need to provide a description, or you need to have a character be confused. I’d have written it either like this: “inside was a mysterious, coagulated mush.” Or like this: “Leonard couldn’t figure out what kind of mush she was cooking for dinner.”

Desolate Fears:
This was another really original story that was cool as hell. It also fell under the category of Less is More. Even though there was a LOT left out, you still managed to build an entire back story in your head just by reading it. You knew there was a flood, you knew it destroyed almost all of mankind, you knew that this guy was the only survivor, that he had lost his love, and that he was selected to revive the human race (or possibly bring about the Earth’s reincarnation) after the end of this galatic interstellar battle that was happening. It takes a lot of talent to get that much information without explicitly stating all of it. Very impressive. I also love any story that makes me laugh in the first sentence. There were a few times I laughed throughout the story, so that’s always good. Keeps the reader entertained.
As far as critiques go: Your stories would benefit so much from proper punctuation. A few commas, periods, or hyphens would have brought this story to a whole new level. It’s important to separate ideas or the mind will jumble them all together.

Also another small critique: Although the narration was a very intelligent style of narration, you don’t always want the characters talking like that. It’s okay to have them narrate or think like that, but very few people ever actually speak like that. You want your readers to associate directly with your characters, and if they feel like your characters are using language and phrases that we’d never use it might be time to tone it down a bit. Go through and read the way your character talked and ask yourself what your friends would say if you spoke like that in front of them.

Devil in the Detail:
This story is so far the most structurally perfect of the group. Grammatically there was virtually nothing wrong with it. The story was also very interesting and obviously had a lot of research done on it. I love a story that has been researched since it shows that the person actually cares what they’re writing, not just throwing words on the page. It also was really good at making you feel what this guy was about. It really gave you a glimpse into his soul.

The only critiques I have are that it didn’t really follow the theme of the story.

Lycaons:
This one officially gets my vote for coolest title. This one I think had a LOT of potential to be a great story. I love the idea for a post-apocalyptic werewolf world is pretty bad ass, and I love the new take on there being different levels of werewolves. Really great concepts.

Critiques: First off, punctuation is SO important. Although as a general rule we like to say that you use punctuation how you talk, the truth is that you use it to separate ideas. Without proper punctuation you’re not going to get your ideas across. Also keep in mind that if you are introducing a new title it’s okay to use italics or quotes, but you don’t need to use both. Also you only need to do it once. So you could have said “My father first discovered the Alphas.” Then after that you could just called them the Alphas every time. No need for italics or quotes.

Also at the end where you explicitly told us they were werewolves: A good author doesn’t need to spell it out explicitly like that. Do the work of describing what’s going on and telling the story and let the people realize and understand on their own that they’re werewolves. Or make a point to specifically talk about them being werewolves – but since you’re telling a story for the reader you don’t need to speak TO the reader. Understand?

Oh, verb tense agreements with this story too. This line: “At first
everybody agreed this shouldn’t be shown to anybody until there is more
evidence” should be written “At first everybody agreed this shouldn’t be shown to anybody until there WAS more evidence.” You can’t mix up present tense and past tense in the same sentence.

Overall I felt like this wasn’t a story being written but was a story being told from one friend to another. When we talk to each other we say things like “you see” and “anyways” and “but as time went by” and “happened during this time.” Those are fine when we’re talking to our friends, but almost never work in a story. In a story you’re telling a story for the reader, but you are not talking TO them.

The Long Walk:
Wow, this was a fucking awesome story. By far my favorite. Not only was it post-apocalyptic, it also managed to bring an original idea to the zombie theme. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone that hasn’t read it yet so I won’t go into spoilers, but it had a few great plot twists. It shows the talent of the author to have multiple plot twists in a short story. It was really creative and had parts that surprised the hell out of you. The structure was perfect and the story was original and kept to the theme.[/B]

The Ultimate Revenge:
This is another that was structurally as perfect as you can get. Damned near no grammatical errors at all. It also has a very interesting concept and a great alien landscape sort of theme. Really interesting characters as well as a really cool storyline.

My only critiques would be: I didn’t really get a post-apocalyptic vibe from it. I see that there was an alien invasion of some sort, but I don’t see where humanity was destroyed by that invasion. Also when writing it’s important not to fall into familiar patterns. Something like half of the paragraphs in this story started with the character’s name. Practice writing more actively. Instead of starting a paragraph with “The character did this”, try starting it with “While stalking quietly toward the Blue Ones, the character did this…” It creates a more active and living story as opposed to a cold-sounding police report style of reporting. You don’t want the people feeling like they’re being told what the suspect did each step of the way.

Also although the story was a GREAT story, it really could have benefitted from being cut down a bit, as well as being given a bit more direction. We don’t find out until the very end what the purpose of the story is. That can make it hard to stick through the story. And although the back story was very interesting, for the purposes of this contest much of it wasn’t necessary. You have to keep the readers interested and a guy just running around killing aliens with no real purpose or reason may be cool in a Rambo sort of way, but it doesn’t really suck you into wanting to know WHY he’s doing it. Great story, but by cutting it down a bit and giving it a bit more direction it could have easily been the best here.

At almost 3500 words it was by and far the absolute furthest from the contest rules of 1500. It’s tough to cut down our babies, but to make a diamond we have to cut off the parts of the diamond that are taking away from the overall stone. You can’t get to the gem without cutting off the unnecessary parts.

So those are my critiques. In the end I had to go with The Long Walk. Although it also went over the limit, in every other category it beat everyone else out. It stuck to the theme, was structurally perfect, original, and really fucking cool. The second was definitely The Ultimate Revenge, and third was Desolate Fears. If yours didn't get into the top three it was because it either was too hard to read or didn't follow the theme. If it wasn't post-apocalyptic I didn't even consider it for winning.


GREAT entries all and I'm really glad to have read them! This was a great idea - thanks for hosting it Assassin. Can't wait to read what everyone else writes about these stories!

 

[godofwine]

I thought the limit was 2500 words. I still overshot. I knew I had to do surgery, but where to cut wihout taking away from the story

 

[future2001]

I thought the max was 2500 words? Mine ran 2300?

 

[future2001]

Length: 1-3 pages long. (500 - 2500 words)

it was 2500 words... so i know im safe...

the only problem with the rules was the page limit... you can't have both...

 

[mealstrom]

I thought the limit was 2500 words. I still overshot. I knew I had to do surgery, but where to cut wihout taking away from the story

I thought the max was 2500 words? Mine ran 2300?

Oh damn, that's my bad then! It doesn't change my votes any, but does make me feel better about some of the stories. I've gone back and edited my critiques.

Some damned good stories all. Glad I got a chance to read them. There is some serious talent here on BGOL. I really hope that everyone reads to the end - the stories got better and better as you went on. Anyone not reading all the stories is missing out.

 

[future2001]

lol edit the last part... the story you chose was in the limits as seen by your edit of the review.

i can't wait to critique... ill write it out so I get my points across... I hope no one takes it personal... it's just a matter of learning your craft first and foremost. I hate grammar like everyone else.. but it serves its purpose... helps your mind get the most out of what it's reading.

 

[ansatsusha_gouki]

Desolate Fears was really good and original

Like Winning is something we all strive to do and should in anything you do but in this situation... I know I want to win... and there's still time I can get a vote or two maybe...

But in the end I want to be a better writer and the critiques will help that. Writing is a lonely... one man affair... and when you are trapped in your story, you don't see things another person would. You're too focused with your blinders on. Another person might say wtf were you thinking with this part or that part.

I've been holding off my critiques until later cause it's very easy to sway votes... one person says yo this is great... then people will read that, agree, and vote without reading the others. But that's how these things go and that's the risk you take.

I'll let everyone know which one I wrote after it's done.

The next contest I'm in... or if not I'll definetely critique and help others get better. Sometimes we can get discouraged and say fuck it, these ninjas aiint voting, they aiint reading every peice, and that's cool. But fuck that, in the end it's about the CRAFT, and if you're serious about writing as I am or anyone else. You won't mind loosing to win in the end.

Good luck everyone.

I thought you was gonna host the next contest

 

[future2001]

I will. No one said anything and then someone else said they'd host it. Plus Meal might host the next one lol.

Yo I wanna read the unedited version of Lycaon. Cause I don't think what you posted is the best representation of your talent. I'm gonna critique what you posted but it's not gonna be pretty... it's for your own good.

 

[Peanutbutta]

I read each story over the course of 2 days

A Brief Convo: I was confused! I did not like the blatant sex in the beginning mixed in with this theme the Porn side of my mind took over and it became harder for me to take the story seriously. All I was thinking during this story was running man meets Jade Fire and Katsumi

Ark Knight: Pretty good the whole Sci fi Heaven and Hell theme resonated with the geek inside and I could see this as a decent comic book or graphic novel. The imagery was good I could picture the blades, and the battle with War, The Horse I was pleased with this story it was late when I started this one so it kept me awake another plus.

Community: I enjoyed reading this story. This was the first one of the stories I read that had me wanting to know more of the back story or to find out more about the community and especially what happened to the kid who was supposed to be on watch? Another late night read that had me going until the end.

Desolate Fears: Very Interesting! I felt cheated by this story I wanted to know a little bit more than just the entire solar system attacked Earth and left one guy alive and now he has to rebuild and defend everything. This was just a little too far out for me and then wrapped up to neatly. Still a good read.

Devil in the Details: I tried I really tried I just could not make it through this one I apologize to the author I just couldn’t.

LYCAON: I felt a lil to mature for the way this story was told. You can’t write the same way you talk and this story seemed like it would come across better if it was spoken and not written. I get the premise that werewolves take over the world but it did not seem post apocalyptic it just came across as a shift in power. I know that with the words limit you can’t do much character development but, we talked about three dead people for a page and not about what/who the Omegas were really.

THE LONG WALK: My Favorite this hit the nail on the head you can’t go wrong with Zombies (lol) and the plot twist when he kills the people who tried to help him was excellent I never saw it coming. Throughout the whole story I was trying to figure out if the wife and kid were dead or alive I was glad that at the end it was resolved for me. This was a great read and I really enjoyed it.

THE ULTIMATE REVENGE: Another great story excellent development of the main character throughout we saw why and how he was motivated and it was a neat and tidy story with the potential for growth but this one story all contained within the assignment.

Good Job to all it takes a lot to put yourself out there and allow others to critique you on their own personal preferences. I look forward to more from all of you. Grammar is a big thing in helping people read your story, please use the spell check and grammar check. I would suggest printing and having at least one other educated person review your work prior to submission