I just heard a good joke. Y'all got any?
- Thread starter CoTtOnMoUf
- Start date
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
I got one....
Best one of the decade
Trump as president...
Bwhahhhahhaaaaa
Get it......
Best one of the decade
Trump as president...
Bwhahhhahhaaaaa
Get it......
The Zimbabwe ex-President will be remembered for his great wit and his colourful language.
These are some of the raw, hilarious and unforgettable 'Robert Mugabe quotes' :
1) "When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend."
2) "If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-ray machines to see inner beauty."
3) "When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious."
4) "Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow."
5) "Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on, rather than send it to your mum, and you realise witchcraft is real."
6) "If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first."
7) "Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end."
8) Interviewer: "Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?"
Robert Mugabe: "Where are they going?"
9) Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tires; If people still use black color for bad luck and white for peace; If people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to funerals; As long as those who don’t pay their bills are blacklisted and not ‘whitelisted’… But I don’t care as long as I still use the white tissue paper to wipe my ass! With that only, I will always be very fine.
10) No African girl will choose six pack over six cars.. So stop going to the gym and go to work!
10) "How do you convince the upcoming generations that education is the key to success when we are surrounded by poor graduates and rich criminal?”
11) lf Adam & Eve were Chinese we would have been in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten thè snake.
12) A person can love you and still cheat, just like we love God and still sin.
13) It’s better to sit in a bar thinking about God than to sit in a church thinking about beer.
14) Being kissed does not mean you are loved, ask Jesus about Judas.
15) "If I am given a chance to travel through time, I will go back to 1946, find Donald Trump's father and give him a condom."
These are some of the raw, hilarious and unforgettable 'Robert Mugabe quotes' :
1) "When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend."
2) "If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-ray machines to see inner beauty."
3) "When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious."
4) "Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow."
5) "Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on, rather than send it to your mum, and you realise witchcraft is real."
6) "If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first."
7) "Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end."
8) Interviewer: "Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?"
Robert Mugabe: "Where are they going?"
9) Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tires; If people still use black color for bad luck and white for peace; If people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to funerals; As long as those who don’t pay their bills are blacklisted and not ‘whitelisted’… But I don’t care as long as I still use the white tissue paper to wipe my ass! With that only, I will always be very fine.
10) No African girl will choose six pack over six cars.. So stop going to the gym and go to work!
10) "How do you convince the upcoming generations that education is the key to success when we are surrounded by poor graduates and rich criminal?”
11) lf Adam & Eve were Chinese we would have been in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten thè snake.
12) A person can love you and still cheat, just like we love God and still sin.
13) It’s better to sit in a bar thinking about God than to sit in a church thinking about beer.
14) Being kissed does not mean you are loved, ask Jesus about Judas.
15) "If I am given a chance to travel through time, I will go back to 1946, find Donald Trump's father and give him a condom."
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
A skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any stupid questions from first-timers.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve chute doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The skydiving instructor looked at him and and answered, "You have the rest of your life."
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve chute doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The skydiving instructor looked at him and and answered, "You have the rest of your life."
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?” The man said “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month.” The bartender said “So whats wrong with that?” The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”
Y’all are posting wack jokes
A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
Teacher says: I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says: "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
Teacher says: I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says: "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
Well what do you have?
I dropped some heat earlier in the thread
This guy walks into a supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she calmly replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my children." Now his mind is really racing back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s 4th grade teacher."
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his prized possession covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. Amputation is the only answer."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but I assure you that surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and perform an amputation.!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. It faw off by itself!"
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his prized possession covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. Amputation is the only answer."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but I assure you that surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and perform an amputation.!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. It faw off by itself!"
That's an old Flip Wilson joke from the 60s. Its been changed over the years. Not bad.
That's a factNot all the jokes will receive the overall favorable response yours did.
One day little Johnny with his aunt went to a zoo. Little Johnny pointed to a donkey that had a black and long erected penis more than 20 inches length. So he asked his aunt what was that. His aunt responded: "Oh that is nothing."
On another trip later that month little Johnny while with his mother they went to the zoo he saw the same donkey with his long dick. Johnny pointing to it said to his mother: "Mommy my aunt told me that it was nothing." His mother laughed and said: "My dear it is nothing for your aunt!"
On another trip later that month little Johnny while with his mother they went to the zoo he saw the same donkey with his long dick. Johnny pointing to it said to his mother: "Mommy my aunt told me that it was nothing." His mother laughed and said: "My dear it is nothing for your aunt!"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, going for a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy is relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "HANG ON TIGHT DADDY! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Thats that type of metrosexual shit niggas be on these days that they think turns women on. Got what he deserved.