I just heard a good joke. Y'all got any?
- Thread starter CoTtOnMoUf
- Start date
Man walks into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" Man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up nods his head and says, "Yeah my wife, she loves women."
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" Man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up nods his head and says, "Yeah my wife, she loves women."
^^^^ Who is this lovely specimen - more for the congregation!! Please and Thank you in advance!!
Here's one...
One day, in line at the cafeteria, James says to Dennis behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Dennis replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So James deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, James began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and son, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. James hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Get him to a vet.
3. Your son has a cocaine habit. Get him into rehab...
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Walmart.
Related:
Listen to former Senator Al Franken describe his "Fart Doctor" sketch.
If you could read the script it would be hilarious but his description is very good.
Al and Conan O’Brien – AlFranken.com
The official website of writer, actor, comedian and former United States Senator Al Franken.
alfranken.com
15:36-20:15
A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
“Well, doc, it’s like this... First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing... Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing... Then I asked my wife for help... She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing... She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing... We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
“Well, doc, it’s like this... First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing... Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing... Then I asked my wife for help... She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing... She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing... We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”
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Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?
Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting up to clean you.” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient said, "No! No! No! " just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse could not bear her patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting up to clean you.” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient said, "No! No! No! " just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse could not bear her patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
For sure you got the solution to the addiction on hand.If I was addicted to masturbation,
and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my
addiction got out of hand?
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. Just as the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
It was the optics on this one once my mind set the picture.
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
It was the optics on this one once my mind set the picture.
This guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his dick. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow."
A funeral service was just held for a woman who passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. Suddenly they hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
The woman lives another 10 years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers prepare to carry out the casket. As they are walking through the door the husband cries out, "Please watch out for that damn wall!"
The woman lives another 10 years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers prepare to carry out the casket. As they are walking through the door the husband cries out, "Please watch out for that damn wall!"
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I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she
said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she
said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I don't get itQ: How do you make holy water?
A: Take tap water and boil the hell out of it!
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Take tap water and boil the hell out of it!
Yo, fam...
your ride is here to pick you up.
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