I just heard a good joke. Y'all got any?
- Thread starter CoTtOnMoUf
- Start date
Ha bitch ha
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A Joke only a True Geek will Appreciate
A young woman submitted the message below (about her relationship to her husband) to tech support. She presumably did it as a joke.
Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The Query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. I immediately noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled
many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please
note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
She received this response:
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command:
I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works
as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or
Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0, as it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support Team
A young woman submitted the message below (about her relationship to her husband) to tech support. She presumably did it as a joke.
Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The Query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. I immediately noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled
many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please
note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
She received this response:
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command:
I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works
as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or
Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0, as it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support Team
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”
If I was addicted to masturbation,
and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my
addiction got out of hand?
and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my
addiction got out of hand?
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What does the sign on an out-of-business whorehouse say?
We’re closed... Beat it!
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
We’re closed... Beat it!
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
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3 little girls walk up to their father
The first little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a rose
petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you rose."
The second little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name
Lily?" and the dad says, "because when you were
born, a lily petal fell on your head, so we decided
to call you Lily."
The third little girl says, "hurdddurflbbbbb dur."
and the dad says, "shut up Cinderblock."
The first little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a rose
petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you rose."
The second little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name
Lily?" and the dad says, "because when you were
born, a lily petal fell on your head, so we decided
to call you Lily."
The third little girl says, "hurdddurflbbbbb dur."
and the dad says, "shut up Cinderblock."
This couple married for 30 years. In those 30 years, they kept lights off every time they had sex cause she was embarrassed.
The man didn't care he was embarrassed too, scared that he couldn’t please her, so during sex he always used a big dildo to please her and it worked.
Finally one night, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed. So in the middle of sex she reached over and turned the lamp on, only to see that her husband was using a dildo.
She said angrily, “I knew it, you asshole, explain the dildo!”
The man replied, “Ok, but first you explain those kids!”
The man didn't care he was embarrassed too, scared that he couldn’t please her, so during sex he always used a big dildo to please her and it worked.
Finally one night, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed. So in the middle of sex she reached over and turned the lamp on, only to see that her husband was using a dildo.
She said angrily, “I knew it, you asshole, explain the dildo!”
The man replied, “Ok, but first you explain those kids!”
A group of blondes walk into a bar...
A group of blondes walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They laugh and congratulate one another and finish their drinks. One blonde says to the bar tender "Another round, on me!" The bartender gets them another round of drinks and they continue to be lively and cheery and before long, finish their drinks. Another blonde says "Bartender, another round please!". The bartender walks over and says "I'll get you another round of drinks, but you have to tell me what you're celebrating." The blonde says "Well, we just finished competing a puzzle." "A puzzle?" Says the bartender, "How long did it take you?" The blonde replies "Six months". "Six months!" Exclaimed the bartender, "That's a long time for one puzzle." The blonde says. "That's not long at all, on the box it says three to four years!"
A group of blondes walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They laugh and congratulate one another and finish their drinks. One blonde says to the bar tender "Another round, on me!" The bartender gets them another round of drinks and they continue to be lively and cheery and before long, finish their drinks. Another blonde says "Bartender, another round please!". The bartender walks over and says "I'll get you another round of drinks, but you have to tell me what you're celebrating." The blonde says "Well, we just finished competing a puzzle." "A puzzle?" Says the bartender, "How long did it take you?" The blonde replies "Six months". "Six months!" Exclaimed the bartender, "That's a long time for one puzzle." The blonde says. "That's not long at all, on the box it says three to four years!"
Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continued to fish until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.
So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing, or Sex,” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continued to fish until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.
So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing, or Sex,” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
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3 little girls walk up to their father
The first little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a rose
petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you rose."
The second little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name
Lily?" and the dad says, "because when you were
born, a lily petal fell on your head, so we decided
to call you Lily."
The third little girl says, "hurdddurflbbbbb dur."
and the dad says, "shut up Cinderblock."
foul .....
A bear and a rabbit was shitting in the woods...
A group of blondes walk into a bar...
A group of blondes walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They laugh and congratulate one another and finish their drinks. One blonde says to the bar tender "Another round, on me!" The bartender gets them another round of drinks and they continue to be lively and cheery and before long, finish their drinks. Another blonde says "Bartender, another round please!". The bartender walks over and says "I'll get you another round of drinks, but you have to tell me what you're celebrating." The blonde says "Well, we just finished competing a puzzle." "A puzzle?" Says the bartender, "How long did it take you?" The blonde replies "Six months". "Six months!" Exclaimed the bartender, "That's a long time for one puzzle." The blonde says. "That's not long at all, on the box it says three to four years!"
Interesting....
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks Dicks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did this shit! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says “Oh my god... Pence... that son of a... I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did this shit! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says “Oh my god... Pence... that son of a... I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
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What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef strokinoff.I got a joke. What do you call a female white cow............A white heifer lol
Ewww
Stupid as hell and I love it!
Ok...
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the chin!
This is nasty but not untrue. Whiteys do whatever man , they dont care.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
....because 7 8 9.
oNE
8 p.m. I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I text my girlfriend: You of course!
11 p.m. I text my girlfriend: You of course!
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
-
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
-
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
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The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
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“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
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The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
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“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
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“Um… uhh...” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”
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The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
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“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
-
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
-
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
-
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
-
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
-
“Um… uhh...” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”
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What do you call 100 rabbits in line backing up?
A receding hare …… line ….
.
A receding hare …… line ….
.