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Funny

Lick

Lick

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
A son asked his mother the following question:






'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:






'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'




The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.




'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'




The father looks at his son in surprise and says:




'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
 
Lick said:
A son asked his mother the following question:






'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:






'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'




The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.




'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'




The father looks at his son in surprise and says:




'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
Vaseline survey





A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline."

Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?


'We use it for sex.'


The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'




And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!




:D
 
Lick said:
Vaseline survey





A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline."

Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?


'We use it for sex.'


The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'




And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!




:D
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol:
 
Lick said:
Vaseline survey





A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline."

Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?


'We use it for sex.'


The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'




And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!




:D
Click to expand...

:roflmao3::roflmao3::roflmao3::roflmao3:
 
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.



He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you Get that turkey?'



The boy replied, 'What turkey?'



The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'



The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'



The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.



If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'



The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'








Happy Thanksgiving Every One!
:cheers:
 
891651382.jpg
 
Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!! :D

This is truly second grade logic!














Undies





Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.




Mom said: "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies.



Susie said: "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!


:cool:
 
There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London ...













....which used to have gallows adjacent. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.



The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard,



Who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK."



If he said YES it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD."

















If he declined, that prisoner was "ON THE WAGON."

















So there you go...!!!








XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX






More bleeding history...



They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.



If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor."



But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot they,



"Didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.
















And that's the truth... Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
:)
 
.... For the french speaking people, this is very funny ...

... It is impossible to translate and keep the punch line ...

















Subject: Pepper




Bonne journée



















Un québécois est en vacances à Toronto.

De sa chambre d'hôtel, il appelle à la réception et demande au préposé :

'I need some Pepper'. Le préposé lui demande : 'What kind of pepper do you need? Black pepper? Red pepper? Hot pepper?'.

Le Québécois répond: 'Torching pepper ! s'tie d'tabarnak...'

:lol:
 
Monkey Business .... !!








A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'


'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'


'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck
. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.



With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld’

:lol:
 
The devil made me post this one...





It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I get, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and to just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I get in. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any as it would help keep the weight off. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.






EDITOR'S NOTE:







Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his arse, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with his murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.






:rolleyes:
 
VERY OLD, BUT FUNNY




The Irish Funeral




A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:








"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"







"My wife's."







''What happened to her?"


"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."




He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"




The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."




A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.







"Can I borrow the dog?"













The man replied, "Get in line."
:D
 
The Prostate Exam



























After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much gentler and accommodating.



As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." said the nurse.



"I haven't got an erection," said the man.


"No, but I have," replied the nurse.





Moral: Don't have this procedure Done in San Francisco!:smh::lol::smh:
 
Lick said:
The devil made me post this one...





It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I get, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and to just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I get in. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any as it would help keep the weight off. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.






EDITOR'S NOTE:







Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his arse, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with his murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Click to expand...
This is toooooo funny!!!
 
Lick said:
Vaseline survey


A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline."

Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?


'We use it for sex.'


The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'



And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!


:D
Click to expand...

ah-good-sir.jpg
 
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them
their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could
spot a rescue boat coming .....................

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't
believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction"
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said,
"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind"

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly
beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without
even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.



The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the
beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken
island for months now without a woman.


It's been such a long, long time .... So ... Do you think we should ....
Well ..... You know ...... Screw her ?"

The other lawyer asked "Out of WHAT?"
:eek:
 
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
 
Ridiculous Laws Still in Existence



1. In Missouri, it is illegal to drive with an un-caged bear.

2. It is illegal to fall asleep under a hair dryer in Florida.

3. In Pacific Grove, California, it is illegal to kill or threaten
a butterfly.

4. It is illegal to hunt camels in Arizona.

5. In Nebraska, if you sell beer in a bar there must be a kettle
of soup on the stove.

6. It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter
in church in Alabama.

7. In North Dakota, it is illegal to sell beer and pretzels at the
same time in any bar or restaurant.

8. In Atlanta, Georgia, you may not tie a giraffe to a telephone
pole or street lamp.

9. In New York, it is illegal to throw a ball at someone's head
for fun.

10. In North Dakota, it is illegal to lie down and fall asleep
with your shoes on.

11. It is illegal to get a fish drunk in Ohio.

12. Christmas decorations must be taken down before
January 14, in Maine.

13. In Maine, it is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while
committing a murder.

14. In Nevada, it is illegal for a man to buy drinks for more
than three people at a time.

15. It is illegal to serve butter substitutes in state prisons
in Wisconsin.

16. In Connecticut, a pickle is not officially a pickle unless
it bounces.

17. It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of
candy weighing more than 50 pounds in Idaho.

18. Bingo games can't last more than five hours in
North Carolina.

19. Once convicted of drunk driving, you may never again
have personalized plates in New Jersey.

20. It's illegal to walk across a street on your hands
in Connecticut.
:hmm:
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.













Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,


they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,


he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend


that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fucking blanket.'


After a moment of silence, .......................he farted. :rolleyes:
 
Secrets to a long happy marriage…




A old woman was sipping on a glass of wine,
while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,
“I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you”…
Her husband asks, “Is that you, or the wine talking?”…
She replies, “It’s me… talking to the wine.” :yes::D
 











Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, out where the crows fly backwards to keep the dust out of their eyes ! )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am . But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

































Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
 
Cowboy/Hillbilly Love....













Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!! :hmm:
 
Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted





:eek:
 
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.


I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.


"What are you doing?" I asked her.


She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.


Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself ,



I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..." :confused:
 
I REST MY CASE



























ALCOHOL! - Has enabled ugly people to have sex for generations!!!














































Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not .
 
Things to know.....

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

------------


Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .
and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

------------


Coca-Cola was originally green.

------------


It is impossible to lick your elbow.

------------


The cost of raising a medium-size dog
to the age of eleven:
£ 10,120.00

------------

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes
If the horse is riderless,with all four feet on the ground, the rider has fallen orf! S
------------


Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------


In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's'

------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.


------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to
lick their elbow!

:)
 
lick said:
a man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.













Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,


they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,


he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'ma'am, i'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'i have a better idea,' she replied 'just for tonight, let's pretend


that we're married.'

'wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'good,' she replied. 'get your own fucking blanket.'


after a moment of silence, .......................he farted. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

that's married life for u!!!
 
Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and



urging her to get back into the dating world.




Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,



"Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..




Their first night there, she undressed as he did
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied:



"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.




The following night was the same--



she stood there wearing the black panties,



and he was in his birthday suit--



but now he was wearing a black condom ..

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"




He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
 

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