Unconditional Relationships..Do They Still Exist

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

That is exactly what his response is. He feels like the kids & I are keeping him from the life that he misses (being single). I'm like you, it's too late to decide that shit AFTER you have created a family. If we didn't have kids, our relationship would have ended long ago. I didn't grow up in a two parent household & it's important to me to be able to give that to my children.

I'm still not sure what to do or what will happen, so we'll see.

Girl, give me your addy and me and you can tie him up somewhere and whip his ass till he gets his head screwed on straight. I do NOT understand these people who make these life long commitments and get CHILDREN. And then say...eh...No...No EH nigga. You made a committment. You now are responsible for peoples happiness. You decided you were going to be a MAN and be an ADULT. Now man the fuck up and do like you're supposed to. You handle up. You take that childish NONSENSE....and deal with it. You don't throw your family into a tizzy because of your own selfish CRAP!

Girl this kind of thing irritates me like nothing else. The audacity of people to throw others lives into chaos because of their own selfish whims is just appalling to me.

 

[sweetiepye4]

Her perception is that he changed.

There are three sides to every story, His, Hers, and the TRUTH.
This is not at all to say that she's a liar, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not taking sides at all. I'm only provoking the thoughts that we can only control ourselves and our own destiny.

Personal responsibility should always be taken into consideration.

Miss me with that victim shit. Victims die....the end.

Maybe he was putting on, or maybe she sold herself a dream. Just perhaps the lady fell in love with a facade that her own mind fathomed.

We have to keep in mind that "Perception is not always reality", especially to the misinformed or miseducatedD).


I'm just saying, who is living a 6 year lie? And with no red flags? It's possible, but not bloody likely.

If the two of them grew apart.... it happens baby. Be strong.

sweetiepye, baby, communication is the key. You say he wants to screw everything he sees? Ask him about it, ask him if you aren't enough for him in the bedroom. Be objective, don't take his answers as cutting down. Ask him in a constructive manner and he'll more than likely give you a constructive answer. Even though they may hurt, take it in stride and work towards a solution.

I, too, flirt beyond the horizon, but I find that I really like to flirt. I flirt in front of girls that I'm with. It's no harm intended, and mostly it's entertaining. Call me an affection whore . I said that to say that all you have to do is ask the man about it, tell him how it makes you feel, try to understand what he gets out of it and why it makes him happy, get past your feelings about it, and work towards a resolution.

And when it comes down to it, let him know that even though you think he's not committed to the family the same way you are, that you will continue to be a good mother and the best wife you know how to. This isn't to guilt him into acting right, more along the lines of getting him to realize that he's fucking up with no regard for those that love him the most. The average nigga ain't gon' keep giving you his ass to kiss after you hold a mirror to his face.

First, let me say that I started from my last post & I"m making my way down, so i may have covered some of your points here earlier.

Next, WOW!! You may be a pretty smart dude. I enjoyed very much reading your post. As I wrote before, I am a strong believer in doing a self assessment before throwing stones-so that part out of the way. You are right, it wasn't a night to day change overnight. Things changed after baby #3, but not to the extreme that they are now.

If we grew apart-no harm, no foul. I can move on. I would respect that. My problem is that he wants to live the single life while being married.

I wrote in my last post that communication is key. I'm more than open & willing to hear from him about what he wants and/or needs that he feels he's not getting. I could take it. That's not a problem. I'm very laid back & don't mind trying new things. If we are married, all I want is an open & honest relationship. I don't mind so much the flirting. Who doesn't flirt. I'm not blind. I do know there are pretty girls in the world. So the fuck what. Don't hide it from me. If you need to hide it, then you are doing something wrong. He started our marriage off saying that married people don't look at other people. Those were the rules that he made. Don't change them now to suit you. He thought Facebook was inappropriate for married people until he wanted to look up his old girlfriend & then it was ok.

I'm VERY relaxed as long as I know I can trust you. There shouldn't be anything he can't tell me & vice versa....I thought that was the whole point of getting married.

 

[dHustla]

First, let me say that I started from my last post & I"m making my way down, so i may have covered some of your points here earlier.

Next, WOW!! You may be a pretty smart dude. I enjoyed very much reading your post. As I wrote before, I am a strong believer in doing a self assessment before throwing stones-so that part out of the way. You are right, it wasn't a night to day change overnight. Things changed after baby #3, but not to the extreme that they are now.

If we grew apart-no harm, no foul. I can move on. I would respect that. My problem is that he wants to live the single life while being married.

I wrote in my last post that communication is key. I'm more than open & willing to hear from him about what he wants and/or needs that he feels he's not getting. I could take it. That's not a problem. I'm very laid back & don't mind trying new things. If we are married, all I want is an open & honest relationship. I don't mind so much the flirting. Who doesn't flirt. I'm not blind. I do know there are pretty girls in the world. So the fuck what. Don't hide it from me. If you need to hide it, then you are doing something wrong. He started our marriage off saying that married people don't look at other people. Those were the rules that he made. Don't change them now to suit you. He thought Facebook was inappropriate for married people until he wanted to look up his old girlfriend & then it was ok.

I'm VERY relaxed as long as I know I can trust you. There shouldn't be anything he can't tell me & vice versa....I thought that was the whole point of getting married.

GOD bless you, sister.

I want to make it clear that my posts were made with the best intentions, genuinely constructive.

I hope all works out for you, whatever it may be. I know marriage isn't for me, and may not ever be.

I'm on the fence about kids....... and you know what? I don't have any kids. I'm focusing on me, trying to be the best me.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

I disagree with the going seperate ways. Permenantly. I do not like giving up. Nor do i like putting energy into other areas while what is broken should be worked on. I detest the idea that, "i'm going to work on me" When you're married. Nigga wtf?

LI
Sister, every marriage is not meant to be saved, many should have never been started in the first place. Let those two jacked up people go find more suitable mates and you can create two good relationships instead of maintaining one bad one.

Hey! I can deal with & handle if he said, "I don't want to do this anymore." That's one thing. It would hurt, but I would respect the honesty. What I refuse to deal with is being strung along. If you want to live the single life then so be it, but I be damn if you are going to do it WHILE being married to me. You can't have the cake, ice cream, cookies, and all that & think that everything & everyone will be ok with that. At some point you have to decide what it is that really matters, what REALLY is important to you & grow the fuck up.

See, that's different. That's him playing games and wanting to be single but holding on to you just in case.
Plus, as a man (most things I say apply to women too but I'm talking from our perspective), there's something sometimes in a man that won't let him acknowledge that he's failed in what's supposed to be the major initiative in his life: creating/maintaining a family. So he'll hold on to the illusion
by stringing you along and trying to do his "own thing". The longer you let him play it out, the longer he will.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I wrote in my last post that communication is key. I'm more than open & willing to hear from him about what he wants and/or needs that he feels he's not getting. I could take it. That's not a problem. I'm very laid back & don't mind trying new things. If we are married, all I want is an open & honest relationship. I don't mind so much the flirting. Who doesn't flirt. I'm not blind. I do know there are pretty girls in the world. So the fuck what. Don't hide it from me. If you need to hide it, then you are doing something wrong. He started our marriage off saying that married people don't look at other people. Those were the rules that he made. Don't change them now to suit you. He thought Facebook was inappropriate for married people until he wanted to look up his old girlfriend & then it was ok.

I'm VERY relaxed as long as I know I can trust you. There shouldn't be anything he can't tell me & vice versa....I thought that was the whole point of getting married.

There's a post over on the regular board i want you to look at. It's i think a good example of how a LOT of these guys think. And it seems that your husband is 1 of those guys. It's Spicykajun's thread about Real Men. I can't find it right now. But go check it out. It's long. Only read his first post. And maybe read my response to him. The rest of those posts are...weird. But give it a look.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

LI
Sister, every marriage is not meant to be saved, many should have never been started in the first place. Let those two jacked up people go find more suitable mates and you can create two good relationships instead of maintaining one bad one.



See, that's different. That's him playing games and wanting to be single but holding on to you just in case.
Plus, as a man (most things I say apply to women too but I'm talking from our perspective), there's something sometimes in a man that won't let him acknowledge that he's failed in what's supposed to be the major initiative in his life: creating/maintaining a family. So he'll hold on to the illusion
by stringing you along and trying to do his "own thing". The longer you let him play it out, the longer he will.

I understand the reality of the situaion. People in these situations. I do know that it does take 2 to waltz. And i do know that alot of people, MOST people shouldn't be married in the first place. I do know this. My arguement is always they didnt put enough effort into saving. My major gripe with people these days who get married is they put alot of energy into other things OUTSIDE the marriage intstead of INTO it.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

I understand the reality of the situaion. People in these situations. I do know that it does take 2 to waltz. And i do know that alot of people, MOST people shouldn't be married in the first place. I do know this. My arguement is always they didnt put enough effort into saving. My major gripe with people these days who get married is they put alot of energy into other things OUTSIDE the marriage intstead of INTO it.

That's the truth. They see being married as just an extension of them "going together" and it's really not.
The divorce rate nationally usually hovers around 50% so I think most of the people make the right decision. Some pull the trigger too soon and some hold on too long but most people make the right decision.