Unconditional Relationships..Do They Still Exist

[Mo-Better]

I'm about to piss off some people (women in particular) with this statement. Most women today don't marry for love. Today they marry for financial security.

MO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did say most! See it there in red? Now can the church say amen???

But on the real I didn't make up that statement, it an from this forums very own matriarch. But I didn't use as a blanket statement because I haven't heard it said by many women but I have heard women say it.

Gwen Gunthrie sang "Ain't Nothing Going on But the Rent." I would like to know how was her rent getting paid prior to meeting that guy? Women have been know to do this. I heard a woman say if he got the money he can get some. (what a turn off) So don't act shocked or angry, I know you know some woman who has said something to this effect.

 

[B-Witty]

Actually, once 2 people commit that they will make their marriage work it can be successful and the love can grow from it. And if the families of the 2 people were close, it makes it have a bigger chance of success... after look at the divorce rates of people who marry for "love"

I guess you've never lied to a parent or person you loved (for whatever reason).

i have lied to my parents plenty of times... . buts its not the same love that one has for a parent compared to that of a partner... very big difference.... no comparison in any shape form or fashion...

 

[Zei]

Unfortunately, I have to attempt to awaken a sleeping mind. Your view of condition is a prime example of taught thinking (programmed/brainwashed).

You are totally not paying attention to the word "Unconditional" which in lame terms means no limit. And Conditional means obviously the opposite...with limits. Now if you limit yourself then you are conditional and that's what it seems you are promoting in this thread. You are also voicing your opinion as a fact which in reality is totally off.

Now the love that a parent have for their child usually or use to be unconditional...meaning no matter how much that child messes up or hurt them, they are still their for their child. As for your comeback to that example...if you really can recall the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" then you would know that all parents in that village/community love all children whether they took part in birthing them or not. Everyone looked out for each other. But with your way of thinking...is part of the element of the problem of today's time, not knowing what things really mean and not caring to find out but base your own misunderstanding and a fact or theory.

It's the LACK OF that's hurting us as a people. The lack of wanting to really know the truth. The lack of respecting one another. The lack of working towards a common goal for the betterment of both you and others. The lack of morals. The lack of wanting to truly understand instead of thinking you know everything. The lack of responsibility. The lack of putting in time and work. The lack of appreciation. The lack of cherishing...etc

It's too much of 'every person for him/herself", too much of not caring about anything or anyone, too much of people having children not being parents, too much of pointing the finger without first looking at oneself and trying to come up with a solution that can contribute to resolving the problem, too much of opinions and not seeking the truth (the real fact), too much of neglecting the necessities and chasing the wants & luxuries, too much hypocrisy, too much double standards, too much of valuing PAPER IOUs (money/currency) instead of valuing family and loveones...etc

The OP is asking of question of where did all the real values go in today's time...not to be so-called debunked by a logical/philosophical Europeanized definition of what you think conditional or unconditional is. That way of thinking is what created this mess. Majority of people like that want but don't want to put in the work to maintain what they have...nothing stays the same (it's constantly evolving or growing/changing), so you would need to be flexible enough to bend with it instead of being so stern that it may break. CONDITIONAL is that sternness that will eventually break but UNCONDITIONAL is that bend, that flexibility needed.

a symbolic example...if you build a skyscraper or bridge with sternness (conditional) then the weather alone will destroy it and break it down faster than what it took to be built. But if you build that skyscraper or bridge to be flexible (unconditional) then it would stand the test of time or at least last for more than a decade (many decades).

And you're analogy of time being the condition is also flawed because the mind defies time. Your example shows learned love not genuine "in-love" love...meaning you can learn love someone that you originally didn't love and you've invested too much time to turn back because you understand that you can't get the time back and you start to appreciate that person and notice important qualities of that person that you would normally overlook because the initial eye-catching qualities they lacked when you met them. But when you are in-love with someone there is no such thing as time. You can have sex with them (normal sex nothing to jump for joy about) and it will appear to be mind blowing and last for more than a day. That person can still feel the effects of the intercourse as if they just did it 5 seconds ago and it could've been almost a week ago. Time flies past you because you're enjoying each others presence. You can be on the phone with that individual and say nothing for a whole hour and it would seem like they were only quiet for a half a minute...just to know that their presence is on the other end of that call is sufficient enough. You could never get tired or bored with that individual which time can often do (meaning ware things down after some time). When you are in-love (unconditional love) time means nothing, money means nothing, outside opinions means nothing, just being in that person's presence is enough. You can accept that person's flaws from the beginning when in-love, compare to learning to tolerate a person's flaws through time.

I'm not attacking you...just bring clarity to the subject.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

Do unconditional relationships still exist? I mean a relationship where your both totally immersed into making it work. I ask because it seems that very few exist. Even with married couples.

They never did. One of the main things that kept couples together "back in the day" was economics. Women either didn't work or didn't make enough to survive on their own so they couldn't afford to leave a cheating and/or violent husband.

Unconditional love is for children not sexual relationships.

 

[onyxfemme]

Well......Ok....then
But in regards to the Gwen Gunthrie song she said nothing from nothing...leads to nothing..you have to have something-IF you wanna be w/ me. Which implies, she was doing her own thing and didnt already have a man. Sooooooo the question of what she was doing before him is mute because she wasnt w/ "him" yet. Just letting him know where she stood.

I did say most! See it there in red? Now can the church say amen???

But on the real I didn't make up that statement, it an from this forums very own matriarch. But I didn't use as a blanket statement because I haven't heard it said by many women but I have heard women say it.

Gwen Gunthrie sang "Ain't Nothing Going on But the Rent." I would like to know how was her rent getting paid prior to meeting that guy? Women have been know to do this. I heard a woman say if he got the money he can get some. (what a turn off) So don't act shocked or angry, I know you know some woman who has said something to this effect.

 

[(0_0)..l.. finger]

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[Mo-Better]

Well......Ok....then
But in regards to the Gwen Gunthrie song she said nothing from nothing...leads to nothing..you have to have something-IF you wanna be w/ me. Which implies, she was doing her own thing and didnt already have a man. Sooooooo the question of what she was doing before him is mute because she wasnt w/ "him" yet. Just letting him know where she stood.

There were lyrics?

 

[melonpecan]

I hope so

 

[Mo-Better]

They never did. One of the main things that kept couples together "back in the day" was economics. Women either didn't work or didn't make enough to survive on their own so they couldn't afford to leave a cheating and/or violent husband.

Unconditional love is for children not sexual relationships.

Your wrong they existed in years past and they still exist today. There are those who have that capacity to love.

But as I said before an unconditional relationship doesn't mean nothing can go wrong. Anytime you have 2 humans interacting with each other the potential for a problem exist. What makes the difference is how they elect to resolve the problem.

BTW this does not mean maintaining a relationship with someone who lies, cheats, steals, is physically and mentally abusive or on drugs. Those are not the type people I'm talking about.

Oh yeah unconditional not guaranteed even by children. Love is something that is earned, it is not something even children give freely.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

Your wrong they existed in years past and they still exist today. There are those who have that capacity to love.

But as I said before an unconditional relationship doesn't mean nothing can go wrong. Anytime you have 2 humans interacting with each other the potential for a problem exist. What makes the difference is how they elect to resolve the problem.

BTW this does not mean maintaining a relationship with someone who lies, cheats, steals, is physically and mentally abusive or on drugs. Those are not the type people I'm talking about.

Oh yeah unconditional not guaranteed even by children. Love is something that is earned, it is not something even children give freely.

Mo
There are always conditions on romantic love, always. Everyone has different conditions, depending on themselves and the individual relationship but there are always conditions. People who believe there aren't and get married end up divorced and bitter because they went into a serious, adult situation naive.

Children don't give love freely, true, but it is cheap.

 

[Mo-Better]

Mo
There are always conditions on romantic love, always. Everyone has different conditions, depending on themselves and the individual relationship but there are always conditions. People who believe there aren't and get married end up divorced and bitter because they went into a serious, adult situation naive.

Children don't give love freely, true, but it is cheap.

One more time, as I said before an unconditional relationship doesn't mean nothing can go wrong. Anytime humans are interacting with each other the potential for a problem exist. It exist because humans are flawed. What makes the difference is how they resolve the problem.

But what your missing is there's more than just a physical connection. It's where people connect mentally and on a more spiritual level. Its that one person who loves you for you. Not for what you can do for them.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

One more time, as I said before an unconditional relationship doesn't mean nothing can go wrong. Anytime humans are interacting with each other the potential for a problem exist. It exist because humans are flawed. What makes the difference is how they resolve the problem.

But what your missing is there's more than just a physical connection. It's where people connect mentally and on a more spiritual level. Its that one person who loves you for you. Not for what you can do for them.

I'm not missing that at all. But even with that as a given, there are still conditions on romantic love. This isn't about problems, it's about lines, that when crossed, kill relationships. Those lines are individual, based on people and situations but they exist in every relationship.
It's this crazy idea of unconditional romantic love that keeps people in not just bad, but dangerous, unhealthy relationships.

Before, from a woman's perspective, if your husband crossed your line, you didn't have as many options because he was more than likely the sole or major breadwinner. That's not true today and it's made a tremendous difference in the way people approach and maintain their relationships.

 

[dHustla]

doubt it

 

[sweetiepye4]

I thought they did exist...I thought I had one. I've been married for almost 6 years & I'm just now finding out that I have no idea who my husband is.

Over the last year my motto has become "Nothing Last Forever". I have no idea what to tell my kids about love because right now i don't believe there is a such thing.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I thought they did exist...I thought I had one. I've been married for almost 6 years & I'm just now finding out that I have no idea who my husband is.

Over the last year my motto has become "Nothing Last Forever". I have no idea what to tell my kids about love because right now i don't believe there is a such thing.

Reading this made me so sad.

I do not believe in unconditional love. Everything has conditions. Every aspect of life has conditions. And there's no such thing as unconditional. Not in a relationship it's not. As much as i loved my husband and trusted him completely all of that was built on conditions set. If he wasn't who he was i wouldn't have loved him.

And also i don't believe you can say things that are so FINITE. You'd have to KNOW and experience EVERY CONDITION for you to say i unconditionally love you.

And since no human being can experience EVERY circumstance then you really don't KNOW what could happen to make you not love that person anymore.

I loved my husband i love my wife GREATLY. TREMENDOUSLY. But i'm not going to say that there's NOTHING she could do right now to where i wouldn't stop loving her. I just haven't experienced it or concieved of it yet.

It may not be POSSIBLE. But saying UNCONDITIONAL is throwing out the belief that the impossible could happen. And in MY life? I've learned that you just NEVER KNOWWWWWWWWW. The most off the wall out of the left field stuff comes in my life and i'm not sure how to say anymore, yeah i love you NO MATTER WHAT!

What if your spouse killed your child? Went batshit bonkers 1 day and killed your children? You'd still love them? What if they jumped up and went and decided to get a sex change 1 day? And you're not into what they're trying to become. You'd still love them?

My spouses had to be certain things in order for me to love them. They had to have certain qualities. And i'm the same way i believe. You have to have certain things about you that attracted you in the first place. And if enough of those things change doesn't effectively change who you are? Like the woman i'm responding too. She just said she doesn't know who her husband is anymore. That in effect means he's changed. The things she loved about him have changed. So now what? She still has to love this new person who's showed up now?

 

[sweetiepye4]

Reading this made me so sad.

Like the woman i'm responding too. She just said she doesn't know who her husband is anymore. That in effect means he's changed. The things she loved about him have changed. So now what? She still has to love this new person who's showed up now?

I enjoyed reading your response. What I have found is that the man I married was a front & he no longer can continue to live a lie. I'm not what he wants or ever did or so I'm finding out so right now, I'm at a lost for why we got married in the first place. Like I said, we have been married for 6 years & have 3 kids. We had a picture perfect relationship in every aspect. From the day we meet, I actually felt like he was made just for me.

I can't say that I can or even want to love this new person--who wants to screw everyone he meets, flirts beyond reason, & could care less about me or the kids. What he wants is never enough.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I enjoyed reading your response. What I have found is that the man I married was a front & he no longer can continue to live a lie. I'm not what he wants or ever did or so I'm finding out so right now, I'm at a lost for why we got married in the first place. Like I said, we have been married for 6 years & have 3 kids. We had a picture perfect relationship in every aspect. From the day we meet, I actually felt like he was made just for me.

I can't say that I can or even want to love this new person--who wants to screw everyone he meets, flirts beyond reason, & could care less about me or the kids. What he wants is never enough.

I'm sorry you had to go through this sis. It's a shame when people can't stick to certain things and decide to drag everyone through the muck and mire of their life. I have a friend it's reversed roles. His wife is the 1 who pulled a switcheroo on him and his family. She all of a sudden has decided she wanted to live the single and free life. Like she don't have kids and a husband. They'd been together for 10 years. They have hard financial times and she sees it as her opportunity to go be 18 again.

Granted she didn't have that young and wild single life. Ok i get that. Ok you feel like you missed out on something. Ok fine. But you just take it on the chin and appreciate what you DO have. A man who loves you and wants to be with his family,(in your case a woman). Children who aren't really any trouble.

I hate that "i have to do this for me." Bullcrap that people pull. It's too late for "you". You shoulda did all that "for me" bullcrap before you committed to a family. Don't up n decide now after years and years that you want to be a YOU wtf?

You know what sis? Fuck him. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. This is some ole bullshit coward heartedly dishonorable bullshit these people are pulling. And they need to be tarred and feathered. So the family has to suffer, you have to go and fuck your kids lives up because YOU want somethin else on the side? Really? Selfish pricks. I hate people sometimes i swear.

 

[dHustla]

Perception isn't always reality.


She said that she didn't or doesn't know who her husband is. Who is responsible for that?

Oftentimes our discernment is jaded.


I would like to take this opportunity to ask you to evaluate your situation, all of us, and ask yourselves what you could do or could have done better. This is not to place blame or fault, only to hold ourselves accountable.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

He changed. He was trying to be something he wasn't. He showed her something he wasn't. Or didn't want to be. And then flipped it because i guess he went through some bull and was like, "i can't do this anymore...i can't lie to her anymore" Malarky. By trying to do what you're suggesting? Is taking the weight of responsibility off him and place it on her. Granted i do this. If i'm in a relationship with a woman and it goes bad and something just doesn't work out. I look to myself. But this? No letting this guy off the hook is probably what got her where she is right now in the first place.

Sometimes people do flip their own scripts and hide who they are. And it's easy for us to sit back and say oh you shoulda known. Maybe she really didn't. Baby i love you's. Familiy vacations, will you marry me. Lets buy a house together and cars and the his and hers bathrooms. And all this other stuff will be wonderful. Anniversaries. And they can be there for all of that and you're suggesting that hey you should've saw all that as him flipping on you 10 years down the road?

Sometimes it just isn't your fault. Sometimes you really are just a victim. And people who get into these committed relationships and then bail out years down the road are cowards who don't deserve the good people they inflict their fuckery on.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

He changed. He was trying to be something he wasn't. He showed her something he wasn't. Or didn't want to be. And then flipped it because i guess he went through some bull and was like, "i can't do this anymore...i can't lie to her anymore" Malarky. By trying to do what you're suggesting? Is taking the weight of responsibility off him and place it on her. Granted i do this. If i'm in a relationship with a woman and it goes bad and something just doesn't work out. I look to myself. But this? No letting this guy off the hook is probably what got her where she is right now in the first place.

Sometimes people do flip their own scripts and hide who they are. And it's easy for us to sit back and say oh you shoulda known. Maybe she really didn't. Baby i love you's. Familiy vacations, will you marry me. Lets buy a house together and cars and the his and hers bathrooms. And all this other stuff will be wonderful. Anniversaries. And they can be there for all of that and you're suggesting that hey you should've saw all that as him flipping on you 10 years down the road?

Sometimes it just isn't your fault. Sometimes you really are just a victim. And people who get into these committed relationships and then bail out years down the road are cowards who don't deserve the good people they inflict their fuckery on.

Not necessarily. Sweetiepye might be just as she says and her husband may have flipped completely but in some cases, the honest, best thing is for someone to say "This isn't working." That doesn't mean they break up but trying to fake it only insures the relationship will fail.
Sometimes the one who "bails" isn't the one who changes. It's very easy to point the finger at the other party but it's just as likely if we asked them, they'd say the same thing about their accuser.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Not necessarily. Sweetiepye might be just as she says and her husband may have flipped completely but in some cases, the honest, best thing is for someone to say "This isn't working." That doesn't mean they break up but trying to fake it only insures the relationship will fail.
Sometimes the one who "bails" isn't the one who changes. It's very easy to point the finger at the other party but it's just as likely if we asked them, they'd say the same thing about their accuser.

Yeah, no. I'm completely not in this realm of understanding. If you're married and you love you fix it. You fight it and you fix it. And you wrestle that demon down and you get bigger than it. Anything else is quit. I understand taking a break. I agree with seperation. I don't agree with that we grow apart stuff. Then grow back together. This isn't working. Then make it work. As much energy as you can put into.......NOT being together? You can put it INTO making it work and making it happen.

Now just a couple? No kids? All that? Find kick rocks. But when you marry? And bind your souls together? It is your abject DUTY to exhaust yourselves. BOTH yourselves. To getting it back on track. ESPECIALLY if you were sitting there happy as clams in the get go. Grow the fuck up is what i had to tell my friends wife. Ok so you didn't get to hop on dicks when you were 18. Big whup. You made your choice. Focus on your marriage, look inward instead of trying to fulfill shit outward. Look to your children instead of trying to go see what Billy Bob and John's dick tastes like.

 

[Rick Ronson]

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Shit is real kid...​

 

[dHustla]

He changed. He was trying to be something he wasn't. He showed her something he wasn't. Or didn't want to be. And then flipped it because i guess he went through some bull and was like, "i can't do this anymore...i can't lie to her anymore" Malarky. By trying to do what you're suggesting? Is taking the weight of responsibility off him and place it on her. Granted i do this. If i'm in a relationship with a woman and it goes bad and something just doesn't work out. I look to myself. But this? No letting this guy off the hook is probably what got her where she is right now in the first place.

Sometimes people do flip their own scripts and hide who they are. And it's easy for us to sit back and say oh you shoulda known. Maybe she really didn't. Baby i love you's. Familiy vacations, will you marry me. Lets buy a house together and cars and the his and hers bathrooms. And all this other stuff will be wonderful. Anniversaries. And they can be there for all of that and you're suggesting that hey you should've saw all that as him flipping on you 10 years down the road?

Sometimes it just isn't your fault. Sometimes you really are just a victim. And people who get into these committed relationships and then bail out years down the road are cowards who don't deserve the good people they inflict their fuckery on.

Her perception is that he changed.

There are three sides to every story, His, Hers, and the TRUTH.
This is not at all to say that she's a liar, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not taking sides at all. I'm only provoking the thoughts that we can only control ourselves and our own destiny.

Personal responsibility should always be taken into consideration.

Miss me with that victim shit. Victims die....the end.

Maybe he was putting on, or maybe she sold herself a dream. Just perhaps the lady fell in love with a facade that her own mind fathomed.

We have to keep in mind that "Perception is not always reality", especially to the misinformed or miseducatedD).


I'm just saying, who is living a 6 year lie? And with no red flags? It's possible, but not bloody likely.

If the two of them grew apart.... it happens baby. Be strong.

sweetiepye, baby, communication is the key. You say he wants to screw everything he sees? Ask him about it, ask him if you aren't enough for him in the bedroom. Be objective, don't take his answers as cutting down. Ask him in a constructive manner and he'll more than likely give you a constructive answer. Even though they may hurt, take it in stride and work towards a solution.

I, too, flirt beyond the horizon, but I find that I really like to flirt. I flirt in front of girls that I'm with. It's no harm intended, and mostly it's entertaining. Call me an affection whore . I said that to say that all you have to do is ask the man about it, tell him how it makes you feel, try to understand what he gets out of it and why it makes him happy, get past your feelings about it, and work towards a resolution.

And when it comes down to it, let him know that even though you think he's not committed to the family the same way you are, that you will continue to be a good mother and the best wife you know how to. This isn't to guilt him into acting right, more along the lines of getting him to realize that he's fucking up with no regard for those that love him the most. The average nigga ain't gon' keep giving you his ass to kiss after you hold a mirror to his face.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

He needs a lobotomy. Or tied to a chair in my dungeon until he learns to act right is what he needs. Fire ants to his balls and a good stern talking too is what he needs.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

Yeah, no. I'm completely not in this realm of understanding. If you're married and you love you fix it. You fight it and you fix it. And you wrestle that demon down and you get bigger than it. Anything else is quit. I understand taking a break. I agree with seperation. I don't agree with that we grow apart stuff. Then grow back together. This isn't working. Then make it work. As much energy as you can put into.......NOT being together? You can put it INTO making it work and making it happen.

Now just a couple? No kids? All that? Find kick rocks. But when you marry? And bind your souls together? It is your abject DUTY to exhaust yourselves. BOTH yourselves. To getting it back on track. ESPECIALLY if you were sitting there happy as clams in the get go. Grow the fuck up is what i had to tell my friends wife. Ok so you didn't get to hop on dicks when you were 18. Big whup. You made your choice. Focus on your marriage, look inward instead of trying to fulfill shit outward. Look to your children instead of trying to go see what Billy Bob and John's dick tastes like.

I don't necessarily disagree with you at all. I'm in the midst of celebrating my 14th anniversary and there have been some dark, dark days but we decided to move past and continue on. But some couples don't really bind their souls together. Some couples should have never married in the first place and to continue on once reality sets in just compounds the mistake. Marriage should not be a punishment for a mistake you made earlier in your life. It damn sure isn't supposed to be and everyday but when it's all the time, something's going to give.
I have friend right now who should leave his wife but he should have never married her and didn't want to in the beginning (way too long of a tragic story). The stress of his marriage is going to kill him. For him, there is no "working it out" because they never should have done it and his wife's only gotten worse (I have a good understanding of this marriage even from the outside because I'm close with both of them).

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

You don't make it to 14 without hitting bumps hills and valleys. Hell even mountains in some cases. But people don't realize they need to hold onto each other stronger in those cases instead of being weak and letting those obstacles seperate them.

 

[dHustla]

I don't necessarily disagree with you at all. I'm in the midst of celebrating my 14th anniversary and there have been some dark, dark days but we decided to move past and continue on. But some couples don't really bind their souls together. Some couples should have never married in the first place and to continue on once reality sets in just compounds the mistake. Marriage should not be a punishment for a mistake you made earlier in your life. It damn sure isn't supposed to be and everyday but when it's all the time, something's going to give.
I have friend right now who should leave his wife but he should have never married her and didn't want to in the beginning (way too long of a tragic story). The stress of his marriage is going to kill him. For him, there is no "working it out" because they never should have done it and his wife's only gotten worse (I have a good understanding of this marriage even from the outside because I'm close with both of them).

Spill 'em!

Roll that beautiful been footage!

 

[Upgrade Dave]

You don't make it to 14 without hitting bumps hills and valleys. Hell even mountains in some cases. But people don't realize they need to hold onto each other stronger in those cases instead of being weak and letting those obstacles seperate them.

Sometimes those obstacles are truthtellers and sometimes the truth means going separate ways. More often than not in those cases, they should have never been married in the first place. Adversity introduces people to themselves and, for married people, to their spouses.

Spill 'em!

Roll that beautiful been footage!

 

[dHustla]

meant to say "bean footage"

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Sometimes those obstacles are truthtellers and sometimes the truth means going separate ways. More often than not in those cases, they should have never been married in the first place. Adversity introduces people to themselves and, for married people, to their spouses.

I disagree with the going seperate ways. Permenantly. I do not like giving up. Nor do i like putting energy into other areas while what is broken should be worked on. I detest the idea that, "i'm going to work on me" When you're married. Nigga wtf?

 

[dHustla]

I disagree with the going seperate ways. Permenantly. I do not like giving up. Nor do i like putting energy into other areas while what is broken should be worked on. I detest the idea that, "i'm going to work on me" When you're married. Nigga wtf?

LI, in a perfect world that would work, but in the world in which we live... people are dynamic. They are ever-changing and evolving. Not every has/had the same starting point.

Adversity introduces people to themselves

This is the truth. And once someone is introduced to themselves and sees the truth about who they really are, that person may realize that they do need to work on their self. You follow?
Good girl.

 

[sweetiepye4]

Granted she didn't have that young and wild single life. Ok i get that. Ok you feel like you missed out on something. Ok fine. But you just take it on the chin and appreciate what you DO have. A man who loves you and wants to be with his family,(in your case a woman). Children who aren't really any trouble.

That is exactly what his response is. He feels like the kids & I are keeping him from the life that he misses (being single). I'm like you, it's too late to decide that shit AFTER you have created a family. If we didn't have kids, our relationship would have ended long ago. I didn't grow up in a two parent household & it's important to me to be able to give that to my children.

I'm still not sure what to do or what will happen, so we'll see.

 

[sweetiepye4]

Perception isn't always reality.


She said that she didn't or doesn't know who her husband is. Who is responsible for that?

Oftentimes our discernment is jaded.


I would like to take this opportunity to ask you to evaluate your situation, all of us, and ask yourselves what you could do or could have done better. This is not to place blame or fault, only to hold ourselves accountable.

Dhustla-

I have & often do reflect to make sure that I am doing all I can to make my home, relationship, and friendships the best that they can be. I was engaged long ago & take full responsibility for my role in the destruction of that relationship. I learned from it and vowed not to make the same mistakes.

It can be hard to know what someone wants if they don't communicate with you. I am open to hear from him what I could do to strengthen our relationship. I have an open mind & I'm pretty laid back. There are things that I want from him that I'm not getting, but that doesn't make me want to go out & cheat. Even though I could get what I need from someone else, I don't because I want it from him-that's why I married him.

I think communication is the key. Once that breaks down, you are left with nothing.

Also, I am not responsible for not knowing who he was or is now. When we got married-it was us against the world. He insisted that married people should not have relationships with people of the opposite sex (meaning long phone conversations, meetings, etc)---this was ALL his idea. I didn't feel like that, but went along because the married thing was new to me. NOW, after 6 years & 3 kids, it's ok for him to be on the phone at 3a talking to some girl about who knows what, he can send & receive naked photos with girls, he carry on with his ex-girlfriend, flirt with anyone with a pulse, etc. All that shit is new to me. He was hiding all this from me. New email accounts and all. I found out in error & not because I was snooping (because I never thought I had too).

 

[sweetiepye4]

Sometimes it just isn't your fault. Sometimes you really are just a victim. And people who get into these committed relationships and then bail out years down the road are cowards who don't deserve the good people they inflict their fuckery on.

Amen, Amen!!!!!!!

 

[sweetiepye4]

Not necessarily. Sweetiepye might be just as she says and her husband may have flipped completely but in some cases, the honest, best thing is for someone to say "This isn't working." That doesn't mean they break up but trying to fake it only insures the relationship will fail.
Sometimes the one who "bails" isn't the one who changes. It's very easy to point the finger at the other party but it's just as likely if we asked them, they'd say the same thing about their accuser.

Hey! I can deal with & handle if he said, "I don't want to do this anymore." That's one thing. It would hurt, but I would respect the honesty. What I refuse to deal with is being strung along. If you want to live the single life then so be it, but I be damn if you are going to do it WHILE being married to me. You can't have the cake, ice cream, cookies, and all that & think that everything & everyone will be ok with that. At some point you have to decide what it is that really matters, what REALLY is important to you & grow the fuck up.