Relationship Question

[Eli_Porter]

What niggas need to understand is this.... men get caught up all the time with aways trying to make women happy and do al kind of ridiculous shit to show them how generous and loving they are. That’s great and all, but when the relationship fails (which it most likely will), that same woman who you bent over backwards for will be trying to destroy you. She’ll try to take everything you got and ruin your life. A woman’s love is like having a lion for a pet... it’s cool and all, but when shit goes bad, the lion isn’t trying to walk away peaceful, it’s trying to kill you.

 

[chitownsfinest]

Moved in with her kids?!?

I guess they've been dating a while... I'd expect her to kick out more money towards her children's expenses, if not covering everything for them. What are their ages?!? But, she also makes more, so perhaps convering some utilities or groceries, since she has more mouths to feed.

Maybe I'm a little "traditional," but I'm not all for moving into some man's house with my kids before we're married. But, that's just me.

And I wouldn't let a chick and her 2 crumbsnatchers move into my house. Too many better choices...

 

[REDLINE]

I came back to this thread and I know I will catch a lot of flack for this, but here it goes:

Honestly, I wouldn’t ask her to pay anything. I would let her offer. If you’re rolling along and paying the mortgage and everything else included without her why would you need her to move in and start paying anything. It’s her companionship you want. Let her accumulate wealth for her children’s education being as though her deadbeat ass baby daddy ain’t doing shit. Now, if the utilities go up by a lot I would let her know and see what she does. If she doesn’t offer up anything then it’s time to kick her selfish ass to the curb. Also, a woman who holds your interest would never have to be told that she needs to help with the finances. That should go without saying. If not then you’re dealing with the wrong woman. That’s if you don’t have it like that.

I like the way that you think!

I’m her third son and I’ll need a room when I visit town. I also like a fully stocked fridge and unlimited use of a car, good lookin out!

 

[Capo]

I hope he really loves her and the kids because he's taking on a hell of a challenge. He better have strong relationships with all three. Fuck the money split, that will work itself out. If she really fucks with him, she will want to contribute and pull her weight. Any signs of hre not wanting to do this should be taken as red flags. If he's concerned about how things will go down if they split, he needs to address this with a prenup.

 

[xxxbishopxxx]

continue paying your own mortgage. everything else should be a 50/50 split.
after they are married.....her money is his money and his money is her money.

Not sure about the 50/50 part. All the utilities and food bill will shoot up due to 3 extra people. Since the mortgage is his, maybe 75/25?

 

[Mo-Better]

Continue paying the mortgage, never allow someone else to be responsible for your mortgage. have her pay utilities and buy groceries.

Definitely no free rides going on, and she's responsible for her car payments and insurance as you are for yours.

The money you would normally pay out, bank it.

A wise lady, y'all better remember what she's saying.

 

[SamSneed]

Wow.... it’s a shame how pathetic men become when they don’t get women. Your response tells me that you rarely get women. Because of this, you don’t have any balls. You’re a submissive male who will let any woman take advantage of you.

You’re going to pay extra for some woman who makes 25k more than you and some other niggas kids? Negro please. Someone needs to give you a nice firm smack.

If that bitch is bringing in kids, she has to pay all utilities....PERIOD. I’ll pay the mortgage but I’ll be damned if I’m paying extra food, gas, electric, water, etc for some other niggas kids.

Don’t listen to shit this idiot says

Her rents lambs and fat porn whores to impress males here

 

[kirkout]

Wow.... it’s a shame how pathetic men become when they don’t get women. Your response tells me that you rarely get women. Because of this, you don’t have any balls. You’re a submissive male who will let any woman take advantage of you.

You’re going to pay extra for some woman who makes 25k more than you and some other niggas kids? Negro please. Someone needs to give you a nice firm smack.

If that bitch is bringing in kids, she has to pay all utilities....PERIOD. I’ll pay the mortgage but I’ll be damned if I’m paying extra food, gas, electric, water, etc for some other niggas kids.

Shut your trolling young ass up! Nobody wants to hear your retarded ass.

 

[kirkout]

ok...you’re train of thought re: this matter is way too antiquated imo

You will find out all you need to know about her. Then cut her loose if she doesn’t offer. No need to wait months or years for the selfish signs to show.

 

[BigRoob]

Peace,



19 is a red flag.

He's in college. Doesn't want to stay on campus.

 

[REDLINE]

Let me hear you all opinions on this one. My wife says she doesnt love me anymore and wnts to "eventually" seperate divorce. Our whole marriage I pay for both cars and the mortgage and a lot of the other bigger bills we racked up. Her ass isnt making any move to leave but expects me to keep paying the majority of the bills. I made an expense list where yea since she doesnt want to be with me anymore that we need to split these bills where she start paying some of the mortgage and cars. Even the little bills she has i split those up too. the only bills i wont are the fucking credit cards she decided get and anything single bill that isnt joint. She calling me all sorts of shit because of this, but if your ass here and you basically want to live as a fucking roommate then lets do that. What's yall take?

Continue to pay your mortgage and for your car. She pays for her car and 50/50 everything else and she pays her own credit card bills.

If she wants to leave then leave, no need to treat her like a wife if she doesn’t want to be one.

She wants to stack her money so that she can be great financially when she leaves, that’s not how it works.

 

[REDLINE]

He's in college. Doesn't want to stay on campus.

Did your “Friend” decide to speak to her about money?

 

[kirkout]

you're advocating marriage before living w/ a woman and getting to know her better?

What I am saying is you need your own space. Sure you can stay with her a few days or vice-versa. You can find out if you can deal with that person full-time by not giving up your own space. I have seen a lot of shit go sideways when cohabiting. Save yourself some headaches.

 

[Ill Paragraph]

Peace,

He's in college. Doesn't want to stay on campus.

Then he should be working out other arrangements. The fact that the woman feels comfortable moving her grown ass son into someone else’s house seems problematic to me.

 

[kirkout]

How do you really know the dad is a deadbeat, and she’s not pocketing the cash because the men in her life are really good suckers?

You guys are really really nice. She gets to live rent free/care free with her grown ass kids because she is an ill companionship game.

That wouldn’t fly in Tobago.

He did say her baby daddy wasn’t paying child support, so that makes him a deadbeat. If she is conniving like that then I wouldn’t even be associating with shorty like that. The signs are there. Is just the matter if you’re paying attention or not. I also didn’t say she can live rent free. I said let her offer and if she doesn’t she is selfish, so act accordingly.

 

[BigRoob]

Did your “Friend” decide to speak to her about money?

Yes "He" got the mortgage...she got everything else

 

[REDLINE]

Yes "He" got the mortgage...she got everything else

That sounds good.

Make sure you, I mean your “Friend” has the best cable and internet package known to man!

 

[BigRoob]

That sounds good.

Make sure you, I mean your “Friend” has the best cable and internet package known to man!

Man I love this board. Ya'll kill me...LOL

 

[Mixd]

I agree with many' opinions here. So not really much to add to but to say this after being in the game this long and seen many friends and fam end up married, divorced or what have you...

Advice on paying what, when, who is all good prior to marriage. After they seal that knot, makes no diff who pays the mortgage, all proceeds will be split evenly anyways, if there is any contest.

And that first year of living together will show every color of that person. Only sorry thing is, that guy may not forsee things and will still be pussy whooped and overlook tell tale signs. But that is the best time to see if this is the person I want to put a ring on their finger or not.

 

[^SpiderMan^]

Let me hear you all opinions on this one. My wife says she doesnt love me anymore and wnts to "eventually" seperate divorce. Our whole marriage I pay for both cars and the mortgage and a lot of the other bigger bills we racked up. Her ass isnt making any move to leave but expects me to keep paying the majority of the bills. I made an expense list where yea since she doesnt want to be with me anymore that we need to split these bills where she start paying some of the mortgage and cars. Even the little bills she has i split those up too. the only bills i wont are the fucking credit cards she decided get and anything single bill that isnt joint. She calling me all sorts of shit because of this, but if your ass here and you basically want to live as a fucking roommate then lets do that. What's yall take?

Boot her out and get the divorce man. You are taking all kinds of risk with no benefit.

 

[LSN]

I have seen a lot of shit go sideways when cohabiting. Save yourself some headaches.

how will getting married before you live w/ a woman change this??? the only difference that marriage “label” makes is instead of expressing you want to go your separate ways, you now have to file for a divorce...if you can’t live w/ her for 6 months to a year w/o incurring “headaches” then it wouldn’t have been better waiting until y’all were married to move in together

 

[Database Error]

Why? She has her own problems she needs her own crib. Not happening. Next question.

 

[4 Dimensional]

I’m sticking by with “don’t do it.”

It’s the unforeseen shit that always get people In relationships.

 

[ANGRY MAN]

I agree with many' opinions here. So not really much to add to but to say this after being in the game this long and seen many friends and fam end up married, divorced or what have you...

Advice on paying what, when, who is all good prior to marriage. After they seal that knot, makes no diff who pays the mortgage, all proceeds will be split evenly anyways, if there is any contest.

And that first year of living together will show every color of that person. Only sorry thing is, that guy may not forsee things and will still be pussy whooped and overlook tell tale signs. But that is the best time to see if this is the person I want to put a ring on their finger or not.

In some cases when a husband pays the mortgage he now created a lifestyle for his wife to be mortgage free. And must maintain that mortgage free lifestyle after the divorce. Which is alimony/spousal support.

My neighbor upper 400k house got in a dispute with his wife. Wife filed a restraining order against him. Husband not allowed to lived there anymore, but still must pay the bills for the lifestyle he created for his wife. Wife got another guy tapping that ass in the husband house.

 

[REDLINE]

In some cases when a husband pays the mortgage he now created a lifestyle for his wife to be mortgage free. And must maintain that mortgage free lifestyle after the divorce. Which is alimony/spousal support.

My neighbor upper 400k house got in a dispute with his wife. Wife filed a restraining order against him. Husband not allowed to lived there anymore, but still must pay the bills for the lifestyle he created for his wife. Wife got another guy tapping that ass in the husband house.

 

[Mixd]

In some cases when a husband pays the mortgage he now created a lifestyle for his wife to be mortgage free. And must maintain that mortgage free lifestyle after the divorce. Which is alimony/spousal support.

My neighbor upper 400k house got in a dispute with his wife. Wife filed a restraining order against him. Husband not allowed to lived there anymore, but still must pay the bills for the lifestyle he created for his wife. Wife got another guy tapping that ass in the husband house.

That's only the case, depending on the state, if your incomes are different. If she's not working then yes the hubby will pay. But both incomes the same, then the proceeds will be split diff. And depending on things, because she has kids, they may let things go even. But normally with no kids and if the guy contested stuff, if she made 25k more, she may be paying him.

I had to take my wife mom's to court thru her divorce last year. Sat thru many days of hearing so much in court of so many others. Plus her cuz recently got divorced as well. So know what they went thru.

But most times only the wife will win in the end because of her not working and the man took care of her. Or she made significantly less.

After my wife cuz went thru their divorce, his lawyers said NEVER marry a woman again and take care of her or have her making significantly less than you. You will always lose.

Marry within the same income.

The courts do not care about cheating or who she sleeping with. They care only about the welfare of the chitlins and splitting of "community" property. That's both of y'all belongings.

 

[ANGRY MAN]

That's only the case, depending on the state, if your incomes are different. If she's not working then yes the hubby will pay. But both incomes the same, then the proceeds will be split diff. And depending on things, because she has kids, they may let things go even. But normally with no kids and if the guy contested stuff, if she made 25k more, she may be paying him.

I had to take my wife mom's to court thru her divorce last year. Sat thru many days of hearing so much in court of so many others. Plus her cuz recently got divorced as well. So know what they went thru.

But most times only the wife will win in the end because of her not working and the man took care of her. Or she made significantly less.

After my wife cuz went thru their divorce, his lawyers said NEVER marry a woman again and take care of her or have her making significantly less than you. You will always lose.

Marry within the same income.

The courts do not care about cheating or who she sleeping with. They care only about the welfare of the chitlins and splitting of "community" property. That's both of y'all belongings.

Same income.....interesting so with this thread shorty makes 25k more, but is entitled to half his house if the was to get married? But didn’t sign on the dotted line at the time of purchase.

 

[crazyace718]

I pay the entire mortgage and she pays all the utilities. Food is negotiable, either 50/50 or I pay all of it.

 

[Mixd]

Same income.....interesting so with this thread shorty makes 25k more, but is entitled to half his house if the was to get married? But didn’t sign on the dotted line at the time of purchase.

Also, they aren't divorced yet correct?

A court order of protection will make him leave, yes. But after they divorce, depending on what he/she wants, what the courts will say is to sell and split the proceeds of the property and generally she will get half.

 

[CptMARVEL]

Simple answer.

BEFORE she moves in with you with her 2 children; the two of you sit down and discuss your finances and decide together how you'll proceed as a couple from now on...
- Mortgage/bills/utilities. (Who pays for what.).
- Finances. (Try to have a backup plan for unexpected job loss, and/or medical/household emergencies).
- Work schedules.
- Child care.
- Discipline issues and relationship boundaries. (For each other AND the children).
- Transportation.
- Medical insurance.
- Emergencies. (What to do & who to contact).
- Friends. (Who's allowed to come to your home & more importantly, who's NOT).
- Entertainment. (What will be allowed. And what's not).
- Agree that under NO circumstances will either of you allow "Baby mama/Baby daddy" drama invade your home/relationship.

 

[Texas Catdaddy]

This does not sound promising .....

 

[p5ych3]

I came back to this thread and I know I will catch a lot of flack for this, but here it goes:

Honestly, I wouldn’t ask her to pay anything. I would let her offer. If you’re rolling along and paying the mortgage and everything else included without her why would you need her to move in and start paying anything. It’s her companionship you want. Let her accumulate wealth for her children’s education being as though her deadbeat ass baby daddy ain’t doing shit. Now, if the utilities go up by a lot I would let her know and see what she does. If she doesn’t offer up anything then it’s time to kick her selfish ass to the curb. Also, a woman who holds your interest would never have to be told that she needs to help with the finances. That should go without saying. If not then you’re dealing with the wrong woman. That’s if you don’t have it like that.

this is where my thinking is. i'm already paying the mortgage. her moving it doesn't change the cost.
she can put that money into herself and her kids or at least contribute to vacations or passive income ventures.

 

[Mo-Better]

Peace,



19 is a red flag.

Don't be no fool that 13 can be an even bigger red flag. Don't forget he's been under the influence of the 19 yo. One other fact no one yet has spoken on, the influence from outside the home.

This entire scenario can turn ugly if not handled properly.

 

[Dannyblueyes]

Every family is different, but one formula that seems to work is a proportional income split. For instance, if you make twice what she does then you put in twice as much money into the expenses as she does. This includes the kid's expenses too.
It doesn't seem fair on the surface, but IMO you can't have a blended family if you insist that those are only her kids.

I could never go for that kind of an arrangement myself, but that's why I don't date single moms.

 

[^SpiderMan^]

1.) If your friend is seriously considering marriage with this woman, cohabitation is a GOOD move. When you live with someone you know them alot better and you don't have the option of just leaving when you don't want each other's company at the time. Alot of the responses thus far are as if the woman was just someone he is dating rather than someone he is considering for marriage.

2.) IMO your friend should first assess how well the woman is with money. If he is responsible, he should have her give him her check and manage the finances. While doing this he should be transparent and communicate exactly how he is handling the finances. Even though he has control of her money, in reality he should be paying his mortgage and most bills with his money and paying grocery,cable, and utilities with hers.He should also give her and allowance for herself and her kids and give himself a near equal budget for himself and her kids(use her money for her kids). This should lighten his current financial load, should lighten her load(no rent/mortage), give him insight on her spending habits,get him more familiar with the cost of her kids,encourage a stronger relationship between himself and her kids and strengthen her security in him. If you are moving a woman into your home that you are evaluating for marriage, treating her like a regular roommate is a bad start. It works better to set the tone that you are cooperating and that you are the leader of the household.By taking control of the finances, she will gain way more respect for your friend when she sees her savings growing because of his efforts and will attribute her financial security to him rather than the situation.