I wanna do suicide by cop

[Pworld297]

I appreciate EVERYBODY reaching out to the ol man I really do
But I'm determined to set myself on fire and just burn up. My good days are few and I'm only holding on because of my kids. I got no peace at home in my marriage. I got hit with a fed case that's 3 years old that I was told was closed. I got attacked working at a facility and now they trying put me on the abuse registry(whole separate case) I've changed my diet workout routine everything. Went back to church even tried turning to being Muslim no answers
It's hard because I'm trying show my sons we can man up thru everything and be here for my daughter but I'm no good to them like this
My ex wife has poisoned my oldest daughter against me to the point where she was talking about changing her last nameb
My parents health is dwindling it's hard as fuck it's heart breaking to see moms struggling to do everyday things
I feel like I'm being punished but don't know what for, I can't be THAT bad of a person
I log in and lurk get movies for my kids(thanks @slam ) I'm starting HVAC training now I'm just a lost soul at this point
Also FUCK therapy I can't talk to someone that can't relate to me it that wants to shove Bible scriptures or Quran duah down my throat I need answers

Sounds like you are in a mental health crisis bruh. I mean if you had heart problems you go see a cardiologist, if something was wrong with your eyes you would go see a eye doctor. My point is you need to seek therapy, see a psychiatrist. It helped me tremendously! Anxiety had me ready to commit myself to an institution because checking out permanently wasn't an option. I have good health insurance so that helped me out a lot. It's several other guys on this board who went through similar mental health problems. You are still reaching out so that tells me you are still looking for help. It's some good brothas on this board, listen to them my nigga, we support you and please don't ever give up. Much love bruh!

 

[jack walsh13]

Sounds like you are in a mental health crisis bruh. I mean if you had heart problems you go see a cardiologist, if something was wrong with your eyes you would go see a eye doctor. My point is you need to seek therapy, see a psychiatrist. It helped me tremendously! Anxiety had me ready to commit myself to an institution because checking out permanently wasn't an option. I have good health insurance so that helped me out a lot. It's several other guys on this board who went through similar mental health problems. You are still reaching out so that tells me you are still looking for help. It's some good brothas on this board, listen to them my nigga, we support you and please don't ever give up. Much love bruh!

Good advice P. Thank you for Helping Nawlins. We care and want the best for him.

 

[sharkbait28]

I'm very grateful that's why I haven't done it yet but everybody has a breaking point

Bruh, I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. I was gonna write a whole buncha shit up in here but I don't want any of it to come off like lecturing at a time like this. I respect you a lot and have considered you bgol brethren for many years even if we haven't interacted much. I value your presence here bro. Life is fragile and weird and mysterious and beautiful and bullshit sometimes. Stick around my brother. You never know how you're gonna help someone else soon. And who knows what's gonna happen next?? Nobody. Juice this thing for all it's worth brother. We need you here my guy.

Call 988

 

[nawlinsn931]

I feel like a failure to my kids. I hate that my oldest son deals with this and come to find out talking to my pops, he does as well. It's like we tell each other we're going to be here for each other, we can make it thru this but you can tell we don't believe it
I'm so done with people(not y'all) trying feed me religion I've stopped talking to certain family members. When I come back to them with facts and other scriptures they have no answers.
I'm working like crazy to keep my mind occupied but healthcare is burning me out. My oldest going to college, my son wants to be a sound engineer(producer) my youngest ones are into sports I'm just running on fumes. When I try to sleep it's always something and I can't tell them no I'm all they got because their mothers aren't shit. (Neither have worked in years it's all about child support)
The VA discontinued my therapy sessions and the therapist was basically scared of me. No I've never seen military combat but the shit I've dealt with growing up and places I've worked have done a number on me.

 

[keith6]

Cmon bruh..you can make it. We blacks are mentally and physically tough. Just look what our ancestors went through. You can do it!!

 

[TRUFICTION]

Fam.... Im Not here to do the most but check it.
Im one the older cats here. as such,
I remember when I had some pressing shit going on in my life and
My elders used to say to me... "Keep livin" ... Well I have kept livin and guess what I found out?
The shit that we think is hard now turns out to be nothing in the long run. And I dont care what it is
Never do permenant things to solve temporary problems. Time is a beast !
And That alone manages to fix a lot of shit. YES it feels horrible when youre in a situation
or a lot of situations all at the same time...
But the funny thing is that, as time passes shit changes ... Like It or not.
All good things must come to an end And so must all bad things.
3 of The most Important lesson I learned having gone through my own hard times are these;

1. Perspective is everything and how you view your problems is up to you. You can see these as opportunities or failures,
But what you cant do, is use others and their lives or what they have, or use a set as potentially skewed sets of standards
based on what YOU arbitrarily decided was success or failure. Sometimes thats not up to you or depends on how you look at it.

2. Everything happens for a reason ... No matter what your belief system is.
I noticed that whenever I forced shit to "go my way" in life
I almost always cost myself more than it was worth or I lost all together.
even though I lost, there was a lesson in it. I learned to not force shit.
All lessons cost from school to the street. Just look at your life like a classroom.
Pass of fail... You must take the test again.
The Test alkways comes first .,.. Then the lesson

3. Everything happens the way its supposed to
Heres some perspective for you.....Have you ever missed a stop light because of the cat in front of you
who was driving below the posted speed limit ? Well... You can be mad that he made you late ...or
You can thank him for keeping you from being in a horrific accident that
would have killed you half a block away because the drunk dude was coming through there
at that very second, that would have smashed into your car in your rush to get to where you were going.
Sometimes our journey is meant to be painful for the comfort of someone else. Its ok though
Because somewhere at some time someone else was in pain that you could be happy.
We all get a turn.

I said all that to say... Yeah shit hurts and its hard .... so what.
Deal with and time will prove that it was all worth it. HAng in there fam ... as crazy as it sounds
We here at BGOL got you !
I have been a member of this board since the late 90s and have
learned and seen some incredible shit here that actually has been life altering
lets make this yet another occasion for that to be true and allow us to see you triumph
and overcome in your quest for peace and success.
The kids will be ok... Just stay the course and do what you were meant to do for now and always.
If you need to talk.. Im open and will give you my number.
Looking forward to your progress and the continuance to your story.. PART 2 is in the making
Dont leave us hanging !

 

[nawlinsn931]

Fam.... Im Not here to do the most but check it.
Im one the older cats here. as such,
I remember when I had some pressing shit going on in my life and
My elders used to say to me... "Keep livin" ... Well I have kept livin and guess what I found out?
The shit that we think is hard now turns out to be nothing in the long run. And I dont care what it is
Never do permenant things to solve temporary problems. Time is a beast !
And That alone manages to fix a lot of shit. YES it feels horrible when youre in a situation
or a lot of situations all at the same time...
But the funny thing is that, as time passes shit changes ... Like It or not.
All good things must come to an end And so must all bad things.
3 of The most Important lesson I learned having gone through my own hard times are these;

1. Perspective is everything and how you view your problems is up to you. You can see these as opportunities or failures,
But what you cant do, is use others and their lives or what they have, or use a set as potentially skewed sets of standards
based on what YOU arbitrarily decided was success or failure. Sometimes thats not up to you or depends on how you look at it.

2. Everything happens for a reason ... No matter what your belief system is.
I noticed that whenever I forced shit to "go my way" in life
I almost always cost myself more than it was worth or I lost all together.
even though I lost, there was a lesson in it. I learned to not force shit.
All lessons cost from school to the street. Just look at your life like a classroom.
Pass of fail... You must take the test again.
The Test alkways comes first .,.. Then the lesson

3. Everything happens the way its supposed to
Heres some perspective for you.....Have you ever missed a stop light because of the cat in front of you
who was driving below the posted speed limit ? Well... You can be mad that he made you late ...or
You can thank him for keeping you from being in a horrific accident that
would have killed you half a block away because the drunk dude was coming through there
at that very second, that would have smashed into your car in your rush to get to where you were going.
Sometimes our journey is meant to be painful for the comfort of someone else. Its ok though
Because somewhere at some time someone else was in pain that you could be happy.
We all get a turn.

I said all that to say... Yeah shit hurts and its hard .... so what.
Deal with and time will prove that it was all worth it. HAng in there fam ... as crazy as it sounds
We here at BGOL got you !
I have been a member of this board since the late 90s and have
learned and seen some incredible shit here that actually has been life altering
lets make this yet another occasion for that to be true and allow us to see you triumph
and overcome in your quest for peace and success.
The kids will be ok... Just stay the course and do what you were meant to do for now and always.
If you need to talk.. Im open and will give you my number.
Looking forward to your progress and the continuance to your story.. PART 2 is in the making
Dont leave us hanging !

Yeah I been reading allot it's time to apply it
I'm 43 by now I should be in a better place I think that's my main problem

 

[Politic Negro]

Yeah I been reading allot it's time to apply it
I'm 43 by now I should be in a better place I think that's my main problem

Don't stay in the mindset of shoulda woulda. Your here. Your working on getting better, you are taking the time to read all of these positive post trying to get you out of the dark space.

I may not be articulate as the others but I can give this advice:

Find someone who you trust, won't put any judgement on you, and is willing to just listen. You put out everything that frustrated you, confused you, and angered you.....let that shit out one time and then get back to working on standard you set for yourself and not how you feel society should see you. You need to be right within first before your kids.

Anyway I hope that helps. Glad you came back and spoke your truth.

 

[nativeneworleanian06]

nawlinsn931,

Please know that although this board is our place to come and shoot the shit, we do (quickly) rally around any members needing help, regardless of any previous or current online beefs. We are here for you.

Here is a well known poem that I was introduced to decades ago when I thought things were tough and my head was intermittently in another place:

See It Through​

BY EDGAR ALBERT GUEST
When you’re up against a trouble,
Meet it squarely, face to face;
Lift your chin and set your shoulders,
Plant your feet and take a brace.
When it’s vain to try to dodge it,
Do the best that you can do;
You may fail, but you may conquer,
See it through!

Black may be the clouds about you
And your future may seem grim,
But don’t let your nerve desert you;
Keep yourself in fighting trim.
If the worst is bound to happen,
Spite of all that you can do,
Running from it will not save you,
See it through!

Even hope may seem but futile,
When with troubles you’re beset,
But remember you are facing
Just what other men have met.
You may fail, but fall still fighting;
Don’t give up, whate’er you do;
Eyes front, head high to the finish.
See it through!

You can beat this stumbling block in life right now. We will continue to help as much as we can.

 

[Camille]

I appreciate EVERYBODY reaching out to the ol man I really do
But I'm determined to set myself on fire and just burn up. My good days are few and I'm only holding on because of my kids. I got no peace at home in my marriage. I got hit with a fed case that's 3 years old that I was told was closed. I got attacked working at a facility and now they trying put me on the abuse registry(whole separate case) I've changed my diet workout routine everything. Went back to church even tried turning to being Muslim no answers
It's hard because I'm trying show my sons we can man up thru everything and be here for my daughter but I'm no good to them like this
My ex wife has poisoned my oldest daughter against me to the point where she was talking about changing her last nameb
My parents health is dwindling it's hard as fuck it's heart breaking to see moms struggling to do everyday things
I feel like I'm being punished but don't know what for, I can't be THAT bad of a person
I log in and lurk get movies for my kids(thanks @slam ) I'm starting HVAC training now I'm just a lost soul at this point
Also FUCK therapy I can't talk to someone that can't relate to me it that wants to shove Bible scriptures or Quran duah down my throat I need answers

Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. Even if you didn't have a crappy childhood, if you've had any sort of trauma or event that caused a shift in your thinking or behavior that affects you negatively, it may help. Just being able to hear recognize behaviors has been helpful to me.











I was going to recommend her to @godofwine also.

If researching answers on your own isn't helping seek help. Call the suicide hotline. You just have to dial or text 988 now.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/07/15/1111316589/988-suicide-hotline-number

 

[tallblacknyc]

Yeah I been reading allot it's time to apply it
I'm 43 by now I should be in a better place I think that's my main problem

1 of the best Oldest terms is it’s not about how you start but how about you finish.. everybody wants a great start or believe if they start off leading the pile they gonna finish great in the end, but that’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes the person who starts out slow or behind everyone ends up winning and crossing the finish line first. So don’t look at your current position and think you out the race just concentrate and stay focus and trust you’ll be surprised how well you might end up finishing. I’ve seen plenty of individuals who you would’ve never thought finish great have bad starts but they didn’t let the roadblocks deter them. They focused and cross that finish line winning.. let that be you. You still alive so that means you still have a chance in the race. That’s all that matters. Now stay alive and head for victory

 

[TRUFICTION]

Yeah I been reading allot it's time to apply it
I'm 43 by now I should be in a better place I think that's my main problem

NO you shouldnt... You should be right where you are !
The point of what i said was that everyone gets what they want when its their time.
Let me put it this way... If I had gotten all I thought I should have had when I wanted it....
I'd be broke, worse off, and fucked up right now today.
I wasnt ready.... I had to mature to understad that ... Now I know better...
I already told you .....Time is a beast !!

 

[nawlinsn931]

Fuck it at this point I have nothing to lose or hide
Pops was old school military(Navy seal) so you can imagine that upbringing
Stepdad beat the shit outta me and moms until I went to college
Turned down multiple scholarships to stay close and go to Southern in BR to stay close to moms and my Lil sister
I weighed all of 180 tried to gain weight for football and one of the guys I trusted tried to rape me in the gym thankfully he didn't succeed that turned me into a complete monster
I can honestly say I've attempted suicide over 50 times as early as 7
Been in multiple gun fights and all out riots working security, corrections and extraction
Been cheated on in every relationship I've had, brother died from fentanyl overdose on my birthday and I still haven't recovered
There have been stretches where I wouldn't have mirrors in my house because I have self esteem issues and thought I was a punishment
Talking with my parents there are so many generations curses passed down it's ridiculous I feel like I don't deserve to be loved it to be happy because of my past actions
I don't care if I get teased etc about what I just wrote I had to get it off my chest

 

[TRUFICTION]

A

Fuck it at this point I have nothing to lose or hide
Pops was old school military(Navy seal) so you can imagine that upbringing
Stepdad beat the shit outta me and moms until I went to college
Turned down multiple scholarships to stay close and go to Southern in BR to stay close to moms and my Lil sister
I weighed all of 180 tried to gain weight for football and one of the guys I trusted tried to rape me in the gym thankfully he didn't succeed that turned me into a complete monster
I can honestly say I've attempted suicide over 50 times as early as 7
Been in multiple gun fights and all out riots working security, corrections and extraction
Been cheated on in every relationship I've had, brother died from fentanyl overdose on my birthday and I still haven't recovered
There have been stretches where I wouldn't have mirrors in my house because I have self esteem issues and thought I was a punishment
Talking with my parents there are so many generations curses passed down it's ridiculous I feel like I don't deserve to be loved it to be happy because of my past actions
I don't care if I get teased etc about what I just wrote I had to get it off my chest

And... with all that said... SO WHAT ! Youre still here !
Life is for the living. ......LIVE !
When you know better, you do better.
Just think about how sweet your victory will be when You know what youve overcome !
Not to negate what you have been through.. But
There are others who have gone through what you have and worse.... SOME didnt make it and died
And not at their own hand !.... Im sure they'ed wish they could still be fighting the fight to overcome.
Youre still here with the opportunity to get it done.... and help someone else along the way
For all you know that is what you are supposed to be here for after all that...
Your very purpose on earth may be intended to help others through what Youve been through !
Stop fighting yourself. You didnt hurt you ... They did... Fight Back !

 

[ashtonvsgm]

I don't really post here, I'm just here for the pussy pics really. And I don't know none of yall. But I'm going to say this one thing real quick to anyoe ready to call it quits on life.

Fuck the bullshit pressure. If you at that point, fuck it, let all that shit go and just go do what you want. Because all that pressure is the expectations of others weighing on you. Responsibilities you putting on yourself because of those expectations. I know, you carrying it, you don't want to let folks down and all that shit. When you call game and ace yourself, you going to let em all down anyway. So why not just dip and go on out and live the life you want instead? There are better ways to remove yourself from a situation.

 

[REDLINE]

I appreciate EVERYBODY reaching out to the ol man I really do
But I'm determined to set myself on fire and just burn up. My good days are few and I'm only holding on because of my kids. I got no peace at home in my marriage. I got hit with a fed case that's 3 years old that I was told was closed. I got attacked working at a facility and now they trying put me on the abuse registry(whole separate case) I've changed my diet workout routine everything. Went back to church even tried turning to being Muslim no answers
It's hard because I'm trying show my sons we can man up thru everything and be here for my daughter but I'm no good to them like this
My ex wife has poisoned my oldest daughter against me to the point where she was talking about changing her last nameb
My parents health is dwindling it's hard as fuck it's heart breaking to see moms struggling to do everyday things
I feel like I'm being punished but don't know what for, I can't be THAT bad of a person
I log in and lurk get movies for my kids(thanks @slam ) I'm starting HVAC training now I'm just a lost soul at this point
Also FUCK therapy I can't talk to someone that can't relate to me it that wants to shove Bible scriptures or Quran duah down my throat I need answers

I'm very grateful that's why I haven't done it yet but everybody has a breaking point

I feel like a failure to my kids. I hate that my oldest son deals with this and come to find out talking to my pops, he does as well. It's like we tell each other we're going to be here for each other, we can make it thru this but you can tell we don't believe it
I'm so done with people(not y'all) trying feed me religion I've stopped talking to certain family members. When I come back to them with facts and other scriptures they have no answers.
I'm working like crazy to keep my mind occupied but healthcare is burning me out. My oldest going to college, my son wants to be a sound engineer(producer) my youngest ones are into sports I'm just running on fumes. When I try to sleep it's always something and I can't tell them no I'm all they got because their mothers aren't shit. (Neither have worked in years it's all about child support)
The VA discontinued my therapy sessions and the therapist was basically scared of me. No I've never seen military combat but the shit I've dealt with growing up and places I've worked have done a number on me.

Fuck it at this point I have nothing to lose or hide
Pops was old school military(Navy seal) so you can imagine that upbringing
Stepdad beat the shit outta me and moms until I went to college
Turned down multiple scholarships to stay close and go to Southern in BR to stay close to moms and my Lil sister
I weighed all of 180 tried to gain weight for football and one of the guys I trusted tried to rape me in the gym thankfully he didn't succeed that turned me into a complete monster
I can honestly say I've attempted suicide over 50 times as early as 7
Been in multiple gun fights and all out riots working security, corrections and extraction
Been cheated on in every relationship I've had, brother died from fentanyl overdose on my birthday and I still haven't recovered
There have been stretches where I wouldn't have mirrors in my house because I have self esteem issues and thought I was a punishment
Talking with my parents there are so many generations curses passed down it's ridiculous I feel like I don't deserve to be loved it to be happy because of my past actions
I don't care if I get teased etc about what I just wrote I had to get it off my chest

I'm glad to see that you're still here with us because we were worried about you. We've all provided you with words of encouragement, we've given suggestions and let you know to keep the faith and that it could be worse.

No one truly knows what life's about or why we're here or why things truly happen. We have beliefs, theories and hope, but no one truly knows. You sound like you've been through a lot, and you're still here and it's for a reason.



And about attempting suicide over 50 times. I'm gonna tell you what no one else will because they believe that you're mentally fragile and don't want you to do anything permanent.

Well I don't believe that you're mentally fragile, I think you're mentally strong to be able to deal and live with what you've expressed to us and are still strong enough to show that you care about your kids and family through your words

Now about the honest part. People who truly want to kill themselves are dead. It doesn't take much physically to kill yourself, it's all mental.

You attempting to do it 50 times shows you and us that that's not really what you want. You just want to escape all the bullshit and stress and in the end just want it to be better.

There's one problem, without you here it's not gonna be better. It'll be worse for the ones that you left behind. You're your kids anchor, you told us this. You're the only one that they had to look up to, to take care of them.

Failing to commit suicide 50 times was for a reason, and from what you told us it's because of your kids and it sounds like your parents.

And you're right, we all have a breaking point. But what does that mean? Does it mean that we cry, seek help, talk to people, deal with it, learn from it, grow from it or kill ourselves?

We're all here on Earth for a reason and it's up to us to figure out why. The older we get, the more we'll lose loved ones. It's gonna hurt and will always hurt, but those older than us dealt with the exact same things and they lived through it.


As with anything in life, it could always be worse and Imm sure that the victims in the article below would love to trade places with you.

Spoiler

Boys forced to rape their mothers during Congo war: UN report​

https://nypost.com/2018/07/05/boys-forced-to-rape-their-mothers-during-congo-war-un-report/


https://www.theguardian.com/global-...ains-rife-in-democratic-republic-of-the-congo

I placed those in spoilers because it's negative and really isn't good for the soul.

Lastly, have you spoken to your kids and family about some of the things that you're going through? You don't have to let them know everything, but if you let them know some then that could help you with your situation.

Now for real the las thing this time.

What have you done to make your day better for today and tomorrow? What did you do to improve something? Anything?

It's baby steps Bruh, try one little thing to make yourself, your life or your situation better each day .


And if I ever run into Ryan Clark I'm still gonna say "Fuck You because Nawlinsn931's said you was a bitchass nigga"!

 

[cashwhisperer]

Fuck it at this point I have nothing to lose or hide
Pops was old school military(Navy seal) so you can imagine that upbringing
Stepdad beat the shit outta me and moms until I went to college
Turned down multiple scholarships to stay close and go to Southern in BR to stay close to moms and my Lil sister
I weighed all of 180 tried to gain weight for football and one of the guys I trusted tried to rape me in the gym thankfully he didn't succeed that turned me into a complete monster
I can honestly say I've attempted suicide over 50 times as early as 7
Been in multiple gun fights and all out riots working security, corrections and extraction
Been cheated on in every relationship I've had, brother died from fentanyl overdose on my birthday and I still haven't recovered
There have been stretches where I wouldn't have mirrors in my house because I have self esteem issues and thought I was a punishment
Talking with my parents there are so many generations curses passed down it's ridiculous I feel like I don't deserve to be loved it to be happy because of my past actions
I don't care if I get teased etc about what I just wrote I had to get it off my chest

Bro,

The past is the past. That's gone and you can't get that back. You can't or shouldn't try to drive a car forward while focusing on the rear-view mirror. You can't walk forward while facing backwards. You gotta turn around and face forward, which means all you have is the present and the future. (Thank God you still have a future! I was worried about you bruh. Had me checking the N.O. news reports hoping you weren't on there). With that you have an empty palette to paint a new picture on. So take it step by step, each step informs the next, and build a new life for yourself.

Whenever I'm having a challenging time with life I remember to count my blessings. I haven't had it as bad as you, but I've had a hard time because I've lost a lot of the closest people to me and other fucked up challenges. I don't ever feel suicidal, but I sometimes feel a little down. But hey, it could be worse. Your situation could be even worse. You're breathing. That's the first blessing to count.

There was once a donkey who's owner thought he was sick. So the owner tried to bury it alive. He dug a big hole and shoved the donkey in, and started throwing the dirt on the donkey with a shovel. Each time the dirt landed on the donkey, the donkey shook it off and stepped up. Every time the owner threw dirt, the donkey shook it off and stepped up. And it did that until the dirt was high enough for it to lunge out of the hole and run away. So shake it off and keep stepping up bruh. Get out of the hole of your past, shake all that shit off you've dealt with and step up by building a new future for yourself.

Stand up for your LIFE. Don't give up the fight.

 

[tebriel69]

Hang tough sir. You got plenty to live for. Salute to you for still fighting. That shows just how strong you are.

 

[nawlinsn931]

I read psycho cybernetics and the 4 agreements, I need to go revisit them
Also healthcare isn't the field for me. I've given this 4 years and I'm miserable. Helping people is cool but this is some of the most degrading shit on a daily non-stop basis.

 

[TRUFICTION]

I read psycho cybernetics and the 4 agreements, I need to go revisit them
Also healthcare isn't the field for me. I've given this 4 years and I'm miserable. Helping people is cool but this is some of the most degrading shit on a daily non-stop basis.

MAn thertes nothing worse than doing shit you hate everyday !
Switch it up fam... Ive dont it so many times its carzy... But Im happy !
And when One thing isnt fulfilling anymore ...
I switch it up again. Its a challenge but I love learning new shit.

 

[Camille]

I'm not familiar with this Dr Leonard, but someone I followed posted he is having a space next week. You may be able to ask about resources that may be more helpful for black men. It's next week.

 

[Kemo07]

Get some help brother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with speaking with a therapist. We make the wrong choices in life some more than others but you have the power to make the change.

 

[dtownsfinest]

I had a whole different post discussing my issues and problems I have had but I deleted it. This your moment and my biggest advice I can give is this remember how special you are. Remember how loved you are. You sound like you’ve done a great job with your kids….im not gonna sit here and tell you to live for them. That’s the obvious. But they need you to be the best version of you. Because kids know. They know if you not right. Even when you hide it from them. Find what makes you happy. This life shit hard but we can do this.

Some great advice given in here. Forgot who said it but the realest shit I’ve read is if you had heart problems you’d see a cardiologist. Seek help for what you may need. If it’s a therapist? Doesn’t hurt to see one.

At the end of the day we all on BGOL. We all got each other here.

 

[4 Dimensional]

Fuck it at this point I have nothing to lose or hide
Pops was old school military(Navy seal) so you can imagine that upbringing
Stepdad beat the shit outta me and moms until I went to college
Turned down multiple scholarships to stay close and go to Southern in BR to stay close to moms and my Lil sister
I weighed all of 180 tried to gain weight for football and one of the guys I trusted tried to rape me in the gym thankfully he didn't succeed that turned me into a complete monster
I can honestly say I've attempted suicide over 50 times as early as 7
Been in multiple gun fights and all out riots working security, corrections and extraction
Been cheated on in every relationship I've had, brother died from fentanyl overdose on my birthday and I still haven't recovered
There have been stretches where I wouldn't have mirrors in my house because I have self esteem issues and thought I was a punishment
Talking with my parents there are so many generations curses passed down it's ridiculous I feel like I don't deserve to be loved it to be happy because of my past actions
I don't care if I get teased etc about what I just wrote I had to get it off my chest

Real shit, man. Sometimes you got to get shit like that off your chest. No judgment from me. You’re human. Suffering comes in many forms. This life shit is complicated. I have no real answers for the things you deal with mentally and emotionally on a daily basis.

I hope that you’re able to seek the help you need and learn more about the person you are. In my experience, finding the proper coping mechanisms and staying consistent is the most challenging part. Many humans have gone through some type of trauma and find ways to deal with it along the way. However, I can understand how it’s not easy to deal with it day to day.

 

[Mello Mello]

I feel like a failure to my kids. I hate that my oldest son deals with this and come to find out talking to my pops, he does as well. It's like we tell each other we're going to be here for each other, we can make it thru this but you can tell we don't believe it
I'm so done with people(not y'all) trying feed me religion I've stopped talking to certain family members. When I come back to them with facts and other scriptures they have no answers.
I'm working like crazy to keep my mind occupied but healthcare is burning me out. My oldest going to college, my son wants to be a sound engineer(producer) my youngest ones are into sports I'm just running on fumes. When I try to sleep it's always something and I can't tell them no I'm all they got because their mothers aren't shit. (Neither have worked in years it's all about child support)
The VA discontinued my therapy sessions and the therapist was basically scared of me. No I've never seen military combat but the shit I've dealt with growing up and places I've worked have done a number on me.

Hold on bro.

Trust your process nawlins.

Trust that you’ll grow from this. Your kids will learn from your example how to deal with their troubles. They’ll learn by seeing you go through it and maintaining despite the difficulty.

We cant go back and change the past but dont burn your future holding on to that trauma and victimizing yourself for what you been through. None of that shit shouldve happened to you nawlins but despite it you made it this far. We’re close in age and its crazy but growing up I use to mark success by if I lived to be older than Tupac. If I was still counting by that Im doing hella good rn. Count up the small wins too.

We’re not gonna be confident in every situation in life and thats ok, we don't always make the right decisions but we adjust going forward. When I was in depression I would try to attach myself to one thing positive that I know I did good and keep doing that even if I wasn't where I wanted to be doing that one thing made me feel like just by doing that I could do other things and added on from there.

Thats how I climbed myself outta the hole of depression. Small confidence boosters, things I know I did good remembering things others told me I did good.

Now my blues aint yours and yours aint mine but nobody has all the pieces even if it looks like they do. I realize Im a late bloomer took me a while to get it together but I stuck in there.

Cut off whover you need to family or friends you dont owe any explanations, guard your peace. Your kids they’ll always need you even if they wont say it. But helping them starts with helping yourself first.

 

[RUDY RAYYY MO]

Fuck it at this point I have nothing to lose or hide
Pops was old school military(Navy seal) so you can imagine that upbringing
Stepdad beat the shit outta me and moms until I went to college
Turned down multiple scholarships to stay close and go to Southern in BR to stay close to moms and my Lil sister
I weighed all of 180 tried to gain weight for football and one of the guys I trusted tried to rape me in the gym thankfully he didn't succeed that turned me into a complete monster
I can honestly say I've attempted suicide over 50 times as early as 7
Been in multiple gun fights and all out riots working security, corrections and extraction
Been cheated on in every relationship I've had, brother died from fentanyl overdose on my birthday and I still haven't recovered
There have been stretches where I wouldn't have mirrors in my house because I have self esteem issues and thought I was a punishment
Talking with my parents there are so many generations curses passed down it's ridiculous I feel like I don't deserve to be loved it to be happy because of my past actions
I don't care if I get teased etc about what I just wrote I had to get it off my chest

Keyword ATTEMPTED. And you're still here, you're here for a reason find your purpose. Guide your boys they need you

 

[mcguyver]

This isn't a pity party a woe is me moment
I don't give a fuck if it's considered selfish
But FUCK this can't be life
I really really think I'm going point this shotgun at this police officer parked at the other side of this parking lot