O.k., I have a very SERIOUS question. How long should it take to "fall out of love"? Let's say you were in a 3 year relationship, how long should it take to get over him/her ? Also, how much does having no closure to the end of a relationship factor into things ? And at what point should you seek the help of a professional (therapist)?
How long is too long?
- Thread starter Kells
- Start date
It depends on how much you have to have contact with that person ..... it harder if you have kids and you have see each other or talk all the time ..... but the truth is once you love somebody you never stop ....... only time can heal that wound ....having sex with other people is only a band aid
If you truly were in love, you will NEVER stop loving that person. Falling out of love takes time. If you are still in love with that person to the point where it affects your current relationships, then there might be a problem. A therapist cannot help you in this situation. Therapists deal with the mind; love is an emotion straight from the heart.
actually it depends on the therapists framework b/c the OP may be engaging in behaviors that are counterproductive to what they want to do
say for instance...you want to start to ween yourself off a person but its just NOT working (yeah i know bad wording) a behavioral therapist can ask you to do something like an eco-map or journaling or somethin like that point out some behaviors the person is engaging in that are not helping the situation and may be able to give them some helpful pointers
but a GOOD friend can do this for free
but yeah like other posters have said...its gonna take a while.
it also depends on how intertwined ur lives were and what came from that: ( children, property, business, close associates, jobs, shared contractual bills and etc.)
you may always have LOVE FOR that person because there was love there but it takes time to fall OUT of love...there's a difference
it also depends on how intertwined ur lives were and what came from that: ( children, property, business, close associates, jobs, shared contractual bills and etc.)
you may always have LOVE FOR that person because there was love there but it takes time to fall OUT of love...there's a difference
I've actually asked myself this question more than once. I was in 4.5 year relationship and broke up last year. it was hard, every day was a struggle and I can't say now that I'm completely out of love with him. It just gets easier every day to get used to being without that person. For me, it was not living with him, the hardest part was not sleeping in the same bed with him. Even now, I wish I had someone to sleep with. I still think about him, and I still get sad and lonely where he is concerned but its easier today than it was yesterday.
I know I will always "love" him, but why am I still "IN love" with him? Its been 15 months, I still get teary eyed when I talk about him. Just this morning I awoke from a dream about him and I was crying. I haven't pursued any current relationships and don't plan to anytime in the next year or two..so I can't say its affecting that. I just don't want to get so emotional over it anymore. Any suggestions on how to speed up the healing process? Damn I feel like a punk!
Post some breakupgrown. Thanks.
Its complicated..but to simplify things; we met,fell in love,I quit my "job", we bought a house,got pregnant,he cheated on me, I found out and moved out during which time he was fighting a case, I had the baby, moved back in, a few months later he lost the case and was sentenced to 3 years. I(left with mountain of bills,mortgage,car notes etc.)all while currently unemployed and barely 4 months post baby..took HUGE financial loss, he left us NO money and basically screwed me, talkin about his brother was gonna bring me enough money to cover a few months, LMAO never happened, I(tired of him callin me with that bullshit) pick up and move, he now doesn't know where we are, I haven't contacted him at all, went back to my "job", tryin to move on with my life but still in love? Never got an explanation, admission of guilt (either from cheating or leaving me and his child pennyless), or apology. I'm stubborn and don't want to write or visit, but can't move on. In a year and a half or so he will be out. He will find us. I'm worried if I don't fully get over him, my dumb ass will be right back with the same fool who fucked me over! What to do? I can't believe I'm online asking advice, but I'm really that desperate. I think I need a head dr. (Not that kind!), a real one!
Is he a light-skinned dude??? If so, when he gets out, you two might not be compatible (If you know what I'm saying).
No need to waste your money on a doctor when a good friend will do, preferably someone outside your "job" circle. It's cathartic to spill your guts while eating a half-gallon of Ben and Jerry's and watching Waiting to Exhale.
No need to waste your money on a doctor when a good friend will do, preferably someone outside your "job" circle. It's cathartic to spill your guts while eating a half-gallon of Ben and Jerry's and watching Waiting to Exhale.
Complicated aint the word, I can only imagine what the full story is... damn! The fact that you have his kid and if he is the type who wants involvement in his childs life, you have no choice but to deal with him for a while. I can't believe I'm saying this but I agree with Leroy, you should just get a group of good friends that ya'll can have movie night or book shopping with. I also say start reading, it worked for me. I'm 16months post relationship and in the beginning, reading helped me a lot.
Waiting for a RAULDK monologue. . .
Damn, this hits WAYYYY to close to home!! minus the therapist part.
TRUE LIKE A MUFO!!!!!!
Is he a light-skinned dude??? If so, when he gets out, you two might not be compatible (If you know what I'm saying).
Damn, why the lightskin hate? It took me a second to get it
don't summon that man!
There really isn't any timeframe everyone is different, every relationship is different.
A lot depends on how deeply you felt for the other person. What was the relationship like prior to the end of the relationship. Were there problems that led to the breakup or was this something that happened suddenly?
Again there's so many factors there really is no timeframe and a 3 year relationship is a long relationship to suddenly have end. BTW you never really "fall out of love" you just eventually move on. Good luck to you.
I felt "grand canyon" deeply for this man(and still do). He is the first man I ever truly loved. Our relationship was wonderful prior to him cheating when I was preggers. After that I couldn't trust him, he could be in the bathroom too long and I'd swear he had a bitch in there suckin his dick! I started going through his phone and pockets every oppurtunity, and when I saw the same dusty ass broads number in his recent call log I moved out. I know I'm the last person to be "uptight" about sex, but I was 100% faithful during our relationship. I NEVER once even thought about cheating! So when I found out he cheated on me when I was 7 months,I couldn't be intimate with him for the rest of my pregnancy. I just didn't want him to touch me. So we were "estranged" for 2 months, then back together w/ baby and happy..like we never were apart then 4 months later he's gone and I loose everything. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell happened?? I'm trying to move on. I'm kind of a wreck though. Thank you guys for your positive feedback. Outlaw your a mess for that Lionel Ritchie albulm cover! I was lmao!
So then, you never officially "broke up", the nigga just went to jail. You have no closure, that's primarily why you're still attached.
This is your problem. You don't Love "him". You are in love with the "idea" of being in Love. You are attaching your emotions and feelings of love to your ex. Love is intangible…you can’t touch, taste, or feel it. As humans we tend to take things we can’t touch, taste, or feel and tie them in with an object that we can. In your sub conscious you are trying to attach a feeling to a tangible object which is your ex. What you have done is attached the feeling of “Love” to your ex. In your sub conscious “Love” is your ex. It is hard for you to get over him because you attached the feeling of love to him. Since he is not there the feeling of love is not present.
To get over your relationship you have to begin to separate the feeling of “Love” away from your ex. Your ex is the opposite of “Love”. Love does not make you feel the way you are feeling now. This guy will never complete you and you already know this deep down in your heart.
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Wow! That makes sooo much sense.
I'm surprised at your sharing Kells. Nice to see your honesty of shit.
In any event. Love is never about another person.
Love is always selfish, but sometimes, both needs are met. But always, meet your needs.
Two trees can grow next to each other, and be beautiful, provide shelter for animals, shade, and individually, though close, they are beautiful together. Side by side.
Sometimes trees grow in a way, they choke each other out.
Grow as you think best.
BTW, what's up with the Barbary Coast!?
In any event. Love is never about another person.
Love is always selfish, but sometimes, both needs are met. But always, meet your needs.
Two trees can grow next to each other, and be beautiful, provide shelter for animals, shade, and individually, though close, they are beautiful together. Side by side.
Sometimes trees grow in a way, they choke each other out.
Grow as you think best.
BTW, what's up with the Barbary Coast!?
Co sign
I'm surprised at your sharing Kells. Nice to see your honesty of shit.
In any event. Love is never about another person.
Love is always selfish, but sometimes, both needs are met. But always, meet your needs.
Two trees can grow next to each other, and be beautiful, provide shelter for animals, shade, and individually, though close, they are beautiful together. Side by side.
Sometimes trees grow in a way, they choke each other out.
Grow as you think best.
BTW, what's up with the Barbary Coast!?
How is love "always" selfish Shane?
I love your analogy with the trees.
Kells do what feels right for you. People hold on to past attachments for particular reasons. Do NOT allow yourself however, to get to the point where this "love" you feel blinds you to another potential love. As Shane said grow as you think is best. Sometimes closure is not always available to us and we have to find other methods of "letting go"
Peace
Damn ya'll really have some good answers, all very helpful. Thank you! Shane I haven't a clue as to what's up with that club? Last time I went up there was like 7 or 8 months ago Ron told me he was getting his liquor license back soon..then a couple days later there was a shooting INSIDE the club (even though they "search" customers). I haven't kept in contact with anyone up there so that was the last I heard. And back to the thread topic and your post..how is love selfish? I thought love was the most unselfish emotion you could have? Do tell?
OK so he cheated on you, yet your obviously still in love with him. Why? Is it the chiild reminds you of him? But think, does he really deserve you? You were 100% faithful so again I ask, "does he deserve your love."
YOUR NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS PART! (neither are the other ladies)
Sorry to put the spotlight on you but there's times our egos get the best of us. That 2 month period when you didn't want him touching you amounted to a 2 month divorce. So even if he wanted to amend his transgressions your refusal reopened opportunity for him to cheat. Cheating became a better option for him rather than to deal with someone who refused him sexually. But wait again you imposed a sexual divorce, so he wasn't really cheating at that time was he...
So just understand your refusal to forgive him amounted to as much of a mistake as his cheating on you. Yes his cheating hurt you, you deserved better. But you were also deeply in love with him then. Now he's gone and your still aching for him. Ask yourself could you have possibly handled this better?
If your still in contact with him you two need to talk. EVERYTHING needs to be discussed so you can either rekindle what you had or you (especially you) can move on with your life. Again good luck.
"To say 'I love you,' one must know first how to say the 'I.'"
Kells, think of it like this, if love was unselfish, then when I tell a woman I love her . . . I'm basically telling her . . . your a wonderful person, I think your intelligent, your witty, and your funny, your beautiful . . . but none of these reasons are why I love you.
Because my love is unselfish, and demands nothing from you for it to manifest. I just love you by no fault or effect of yours, and I'd love you no matter what with no standards involved.
How would that make someone feel?
Love is the most selfish emotion, simply because you put a value on a person that you love, because they provide a benefit towards what . . . YOUR SELF.
Damn. Hope it all works itself out.
Because he's still locked up and u not having any contact with him while he's on lockdown, as well as you moving without him knowing where u are, you don't have any clousure to the relationship. It's not that easy to just try to close a chapter of your life to someone who you truly love as well as bringing someone into this world who is apart of him. U still have unresolved issues. and your own stubborness is hurting u as well.
In order for u to recieve any type of closure, (if you really want to move on) you need to confront the situation head on by confronting him now. Waiting a year and a half till he gets out is too long of a time...until then u will continue to beat yourself up over it, and u won't truly be able to move on with a clear conscious if you decide to move on at all, you may decide different once u see him....
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Finally BrownTurd, your SHIT makes sense!!!
No, not funny?! Am I the only one laughing? *turns around, gives one more look back, checks for breakupgrown and walks out of thread....*
