Marriage

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Why do people do it? What's the point? in THIS day and age. Why do it? I don't get it. The traditional values aren't the same. So what new values are people supposed to do?

What do we tell our children? What do you tell them? Fall in love? Get married? Why? What benefit do you have from it?

Guys?

Ladies?

 

[dHustla]

I don't know.

I see none.

Don't.

I'm uncertain about the values of others' but my own are of health, wealth, and community.

I don't have any children, and I'm not sure what to tell them. I wouldn't advise a son to get married, daughter either. Just work for what you want in life.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

The more and more i see of these relationships the more and more i feel that people are just doing this ALL WRONG.

 

[dHustla]

I don't fear a family, that's what I eventually want, but I do fear being a husband to a woman that is not a lady and not finding out until I'm over 35, have given this bitch the best years of my life (yeah, I know, too many romantic comedies), and have given her my all in order to be the best husband I can. I fear being a provider to a 'person' that possesses the power to undermine everything that I stand for and that I have built for my family and myself. I fear fathering a child or children with a woman that may very well be a wonderful bitch, but an awful mother, and a vindictive lover.
I stand to lose more than I stand to gain.

Every man has the fear of marrying the wrong woman, particularly in the society in which we live where we stand to lose a great deal (money, parental rights, lost years of our lives, etc.) if the marriage fails...even if the failure is not our fault.

...

it just ain't worth it

 

[swiftandsilent]

So that crazy folks can come to your wedding and do this........

 

[followup]

The value is not lost to everybody. I think most people who grew up in stable 2-parent homes still value marriage. For those who didn't, marriage is seen as a leash and sometimes thought to be the only way to kind of guarantee the baby's mother/father will stick around.

For me, the point of marriage is to have my life companion who I raise my children with & grow old. That's how I was raised and that's how I want my children to be raised. 2 parents, male & female. Now if I did not want children it may be a different story.

 

[followup]

...

it just ain't worth it

so you basically do not trust your own judgment of women. understandable.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

The value is not lost to everybody. I think most people who grew up in stable 2-parent homes still value marriage. For those who didn't, marriage is seen as a leash and sometimes thought to be the only way to kind of guarantee the baby's mother/father will stick around.

For me, the point of marriage is to have my life companion who I raise my children with & grow old. That's how I was raised and that's how I want my children to be raised. 2 parents, male & female. Now if I did not want children it may be a different story.

I believe in this as well. My husband and i did some time in Africa. Rural parts learning from the people. And before we went i had some ideas. Of what i wanted. I saw how my parents were and i was like screw that. Who would want that? I came to learn from these people and i learned what it really meant to be bound to someone. To bind yourself wholly and trust in your mate. Give up yourself and have them give up themselves to you.

But in this today? Where are you getting that? Who's willing to give like that?

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

so you basically do not trust your own judgment of women. understandable.

For him? I'm beginning to think he's 1 of those who should never get married as his past experiences have deadened him to any possibily of truly being open to a woman. And with the women out there?

Can you blame him?

 

[Crown&Coke]

I believe in this as well. My husband and i did some time in Africa. Rural parts learning from the people. And before we went i had some ideas. Of what i wanted. I saw how my parents were and i was like screw that. Who would want that? I came to learn from these people and i learned what it really meant to be bound to someone. To bind yourself wholly and trust in your mate. Give up yourself and have them give up themselves to you.

But in this today? Where are you getting that? Who's willing to give like that?

I personally dont see myself gettin married until I find a woman willing to give like that. There are still some that are willing to be that everything for their partner but it aint like it used to be tho. I look at my parents and want my marriage to be like that but alot of women I meet arent into that anymore, they want marriage for all the wrong reasons...but I still got hope that I will find one tho.​

 

[sweetiepye4]

It's funny because I did not grow up in a two parent household & none if any of my friends did either. I could not for the life of me understand why the kids at school or on TV would be upset about their parents getting a divorce. They were going to get two of everything-who could ask for more!!

Now that I have kids of my own and they are being raised in a two parent household, I understand.

This is all they know. They know they have a family, they enjoy getting in our bed to relax or watch TV. It's mom & dad. We combine to give them all they need. I could not live with myself if/when the day comes when I tell them their world is about to change.

Not that I will tell them to get married. I will make sure they are prepared for what they are getting into & let them make their own decision. I think a lot of parents hide the truth about married life. They blinding think that you live a perfect life once you say "I do", but that couldn't be further from the truth. That's why you have parents who wait until their kids go to college to divorce. They are setting them up to fail when it comes to relationships.

 

[onyxfemme]

Although I have been married and divorced......Engaged and lost the love of my life in a fatal car crash.....I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE & MARRIAGE.
Commitment, Loyalty & Love is what would make me do it again. I want my children to have what I had a 2 parent household full of happiness, love & structure. I want them to have those values because it made me who I am.

After my recent heartache-I WONT go looking for love....But I would let it find me when the time is right. When it finds me...My heart will be open...There is nothing that would keep me from the opportunity of black love.

 

[SuchATease]

Although I have been married and divorced......Engaged and lost the love of my life in a fatal car crash.....I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE & MARRIAGE.
Commitment, Loyalty & Love is what would make me do it again. I want my children to have what I had a 2 parent household full of happiness, love & structure. I want them to have those values because it made me who I am.
After my recent heartache-I WONT go looking for love....But I would let it find me when the time is right. When it finds me...My heart will be open...There is nothing that would keep me from the opportunity of black love.

Word. And it's nothing like having someone there who has your back 100%. Although I didn't grow up with my bio father my step dad was always there, taught me alot about life that my mother couldn't teach me and I want the same for my future kids. I want them to have a father around to teach them and support them like I had.

And being a wife is a honor imo, something to be proud of. It says that a man has decided that I'm his queen, his partner etc. and to me there's nothing greater except being a parent....

 

[onyxfemme]

Girl my step dad is the only father I know! And he will hurt someone saying I am not his daughter. Hell my mom met him on the way to shoot my real father...lolol
And I also feel that being a wife is an honor....For a man to ask you...Wait for a real man to ask you to be his wife is a real honor!

Word. And it's nothing like having someone there who has your back 100%. Although I didn't grow up with my bio father my step dad was always there, taught me alot about life that my mother couldn't teach me and I want the same for my future kids. I want them to have a father around to teach them and support them like I had.

And being a wife is a honor imo, something to be proud of. It says that a man has decided that I'm his queen, his partner etc. and to me there's nothing greater except being a parent....

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I personally dont see myself gettin married until I find a woman willing to give like that. There are still some that are willing to be that everything for their partner but it aint like it used to be tho. I look at my parents and want my marriage to be like that but alot of women I meet arent into that anymore, they want marriage for all the wrong reasons...but I still got hope that I will find one tho.​

We can discuss women. I think by an large alot of females out there aren't true women. They're selfish and does think the sun rises and sets out their vaginas. They're confused and don't know what they want. And spent their early lives being "pretty" and getting banged out by the wrong type of male they have no idea what the right type of male will look like.

Alot of them are lost, and i wonder why guys even WANT THEM. Like can't you see what a FAIL she is? But no. Guys are just as dumb as women is when it comes to love.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

It's funny because I did not grow up in a two parent household & none if any of my friends did either. I could not for the life of me understand why the kids at school or on TV would be upset about their parents getting a divorce. They were going to get two of everything-who could ask for more!!

Now that I have kids of my own and they are being raised in a two parent household, I understand.

This is all they know. They know they have a family, they enjoy getting in our bed to relax or watch TV. It's mom & dad. We combine to give them all they need. I could not live with myself if/when the day comes when I tell them their world is about to change.

Not that I will tell them to get married. I will make sure they are prepared for what they are getting into & let them make their own decision. I think a lot of parents hide the truth about married life. They blinding think that you live a perfect life once you say "I do", but that couldn't be further from the truth. That's why you have parents who wait until their kids go to college to divorce. They are setting them up to fail when it comes to relationships.

I've been thinking alot lately about my oldest daughter. We've been thinking she's gay for some time now. But just in case she isn't. She's already ruined for guys. No guy can ever possibly match her daddy. She and i were talking over this weekend and we got onto boys expectations, and how some girls need that attention, She said, "mama....Daddy told me i was beautiful and he loved me everyday of my life. I don't need no attention from these scraggly niggas."

Made me cry. Only thing is now i'm afraid she'll never get married, never have grandkids. She'll holds guys to her fathers standards and so many guys just aren't raised to be MEN in this day and age. I'm afraid we did the wrong thing sometimes. How is her future happiness going to look? By herself? Alone?

It's disheartening when you think of your kids and marriage, children. And all the problems they could endure.

How do you tell your kids to settle for less than what they want? In a mate? How do i tell my daughter to actually lay with some no good grown boy and expect 1 day for him to grow up? While she suffers through that heartache?

I can't. I don't think any of us could.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Although I have been married and divorced......Engaged and lost the love of my life in a fatal car crash.....I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE & MARRIAGE.
Commitment, Loyalty & Love is what would make me do it again. I want my children to have what I had a 2 parent household full of happiness, love & structure. I want them to have those values because it made me who I am.

After my recent heartache-I WONT go looking for love....But I would let it find me when the time is right. When it finds me...My heart will be open...There is nothing that would keep me from the opportunity of black love.

You have much more faith in these beings than i do. I guess that's a good damn thing.

((HUGGS))

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Word. And it's nothing like having someone there who has your back 100%. Although I didn't grow up with my bio father my step dad was always there, taught me alot about life that my mother couldn't teach me and I want the same for my future kids. I want them to have a father around to teach them and support them like I had.

And being a wife is a honor imo, something to be proud of. It says that a man has decided that I'm his queen, his partner etc. and to me there's nothing greater except being a parent....

This is very much how i view it as well. I was PROUD to be his wife. I was PROUD to have his name written on my finger and above my kitty. i was proud to be seen with him. And be introduced to his family. I was proud when he said, "my wife." I belonged to him. And he belonged to me and we deserved each other. We were good for each other and we deserved each other and .....Yeah.

Our family was strong because we were together. What i say to women, who are single, make sure the man you're with is WORTHY. Know how much YOU'RE WORTH. You're a queen. You're an empress. a GODDESS. Walking this earthly plane. And the man who comes to you just HAS to be worthy of you. Because through you the world is born. Why wouldn't he want to be? Why would a man want to see you as less than what you are? When he makes you his wife he needs to be HIGH EXALTED. Wtf is with this "take me as i am please" Negroes we have around here?

/end rant.

 

[sweetiepye4]

I've been thinking alot lately about my oldest daughter. We've been thinking she's gay for some time now. But just in case she isn't. She's already ruined for guys. No guy can ever possibly match her daddy. She and i were talking over this weekend and we got onto boys expectations, and how some girls need that attention, She said, "mama....Daddy told me i was beautiful and he loved me everyday of my life. I don't need no attention from these scraggly niggas."

Made me cry. Only thing is now i'm afraid she'll never get married, never have grandkids. She'll holds guys to her fathers standards and so many guys just aren't raised to be MEN in this day and age. I'm afraid we did the wrong thing sometimes. How is her future happiness going to look? By herself? Alone?

It's disheartening when you think of your kids and marriage, children. And all the problems they could endure.

How do you tell your kids to settle for less than what they want? In a mate? How do i tell my daughter to actually lay with some no good grown boy and expect 1 day for him to grow up? While she suffers through that heartache?

I can't. I don't think any of us could.

Please don't tell her to settle. There is someone out there that will be worthy of her. I try to teach my daughters about things that men are suppose to do such as holding open doors--if there is a boy around, you stand there until they open the door for you. I think that may be why marriages fail, because someone in the relationship has settled. They dim their light because the other person can't handle their shine. Don't do!! Don't recommend that anyone do!!!

Don't lose sight of who you are or what you want. At the end of the day, it's going to be you. You don't want to sacrifice so much of yourself & your life for someone who may or may not be in it for the long haul.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

That's the basis of it. But she knows all of this. We've drilled it into her head. She's so far ahead of boys her age it's not even funny. I just worry.

 

[SuchATease]

This is very much how i view it as well. I was PROUD to be his wife. I was PROUD to have his name written on my finger and above my kitty. i was proud to be seen with him. And be introduced to his family. I was proud when he said, "my wife." I belonged to him. And he belonged to me and we deserved each other. We were good for each other and we deserved each other and .....Yeah.

Our family was strong because we were together. What i say to women, who are single, make sure the man you're with is WORTHY. Know how much YOU'RE WORTH. You're a queen. You're an empress. a GODDESS. Walking this earthly plane. And the man who comes to you just HAS to be worthy of you. Because through you the world is born. Why wouldn't he want to be? Why would a man want to see you as less than what you are? When he makes you his wife he needs to be HIGH EXALTED. Wtf is with this "take me as i am please" Negroes we have around here?



/end rant.

This wasn't a rant Dear, I strongly agree with you! and this is exactly what you should tell your daughter. She should NEVER accept a man who treats her anything less than the Queen that she is! And if that man doesn't know how to treat her she should teach him cause this young boys out here don't know what civilary is!! My first bf didn't know anything about opening car doors, opening doors period until I told him you open doors for a lady, you walk on the opposite side of the street when you are with a lady etc.

At this point in my life I refuse to accept the "take me as I am mentality from my mate. As an adult we have to grow up and leave childish behavior behind!! shit I had to do it and it wasn't easy!

 

[dHustla]

so you basically do not trust your own judgment of women. understandable.

This is incorrect.

I don't fully trust anyone. Especially with my future :confused, my money , my health , my happiness .

My life experiences have taught me that there is no one on earth that will care about your well-being besides you.

I don't mean to tell all my biz or turn this into a pity party, but I have never had a brother, never seen my father, never been close to mother, etc..... I know what its like to feel like your mother doesn't love you. I know what it feels like to think GOD doesn't love you.... not a good feeling.

What these things have taught me is that everyone will desert you. Only death is certain. everyone made of flesh will disappoint you. You are the only person you can rely on. Unconditional love doesn't exist, people have no reason to love you with no gain to themselves. Relationships are an unnecessary risk. It is better to not trust than to give trust to someone not worthy of it.


People kill me saying that they don't wanna die alone. Everybody dies alone. What they should say is that they don't wanna live alone, and even then it's not as bad as people make it out. I love being alone! I feel free! I feel like I have nothing holding me down, no one restricting me! No other party that I am forced to stay congruent with.

 

[dHustla]

I believe in this as well. My husband and i did some time in Africa. Rural parts learning from the people. And before we went i had some ideas. Of what i wanted. I saw how my parents were and i was like screw that. Who would want that? I came to learn from these people and i learned what it really meant to be bound to someone. To bind yourself wholly and trust in your mate. Give up yourself and have them give up themselves to you.

But in this today? Where are you getting that? Who's willing to give like that?

I know I'm not.

Really! Who is really gonna have your best interests at heart?

No thanks. I'll manage.

 

[dHustla]

For him? I'm beginning to think he's 1 of those who should never get married as his past experiences have deadened him to any possibily of truly being open to a woman. And with the women out there?

Can you blame him?

You got it!

Jump to 4:00 mark

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

This wasn't a rant Dear, I strongly agree with you! and this is exactly what you should tell your daughter. She should NEVER accept a man who treats her anything less than the Queen that she is! And if that man doesn't know how to treat her she should teach him cause this young boys out here don't know what civilary is!! My first bf didn't know anything about opening car doors, opening doors period until I told him you open doors for a lady, you walk on the opposite side of the street when you are with a lady etc.

At this point in my life I refuse to accept the "take me as I am mentality from my mate. As an adult we have to grow up and leave childish behavior behind!! shit I had to do it and it wasn't easy!

^5 sis. They seem to want you to accept them as the incomplete unmotivated THINGS they are. Lower your standards they want you too. They need to up their standards for themsleves. In my real man thread i was telling about what i expected from my husband. What i GOT from my husband. When i'm asked by other men they never really like what i have to say.

 

[dHustla]

Please don't tell her to settle. There is someone out there that will be worthy of her. I try to teach my daughters about things that men are suppose to do such as holding open doors--if there is a boy around, you stand there until they open the door for you. I think that may be why marriages fail, because someone in the relationship has settled. They dim their light because the other person can't handle their shine. Don't do!! Don't recommend that anyone do!!!

Don't lose sight of who you are or what you want. At the end of the day, it's going to be you. You don't want to sacrifice so much of yourself & your life for someone who may or may not be in it for the long haul.

...

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I know I'm not.

Really! Who is really gonna have your best interests at heart?

No thanks. I'll manage.

My husband had mine. And i had his. That's how a truly giving relationship is supposed to work.

 

[charlie dark]

It's the most stable and productive environment to raise a family!!!!
Do you know a better institution for this????

 

[charlie dark]

It's the most stable and productive environment to raise a family!!!!
Do you know a better institution for this????

 

[dHustla]

*shaking my muthafuckin head*

Y'all talkin all this about men not doing this, grown boys not holding doors open, not opening car doors, yet have not mentioned that most thes bitches ain't worth none of that.

Let's talk about these girls that are being bred to be bitches.
Let's talk about these mothers that are ill-equipped and passing it along to the next generation.
Let's talk about these hoes w/ no direction.


And about the car door shit...thats some bullshit. Just get cho ass in the car b4 you get left! And the bitch BET NOT touch shit, no button, no switch, not nothing!

Why do they gotta be "bitches" you ask? That's a good question, I wanna know the answer too! Only they can answer.

Why do they gotta be "BITCHES"?

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Why are you in this thread? lol

 

[charlie dark]

*shaking my muthafuckin head*

Y'all talkin all this about men not doing this, grown boys not holding doors open, not opening car doors, yet have not mentioned that most thes bitches ain't worth none of that.

Let's talk about these girls that are being bred to be bitches.
Let's talk about these mothers that are ill-equipped and passing it along to the next generation.
Let's talk about these hoes w/ no direction.


And about the car door shit...thats some bullshit. Just get cho ass in the car b4 you get left! And the bitch BET NOT touch shit, no button, no switch, not nothing!

Why do they gotta be "bitches" you ask? That's a good question, I wanna know the answer too! Only they can answer.

Why do they gotta be "BITCHES"?

Damn dude, take breath!! Breath!
You need to change your social circles, I don't mix with the kind of women you're describing....

 

[dHustla]

Why are you in this thread? lol

Recruiting!

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

*shaking my muthafuckin head*

Y'all talkin all this about men not doing this, grown boys not holding doors open, not opening car doors, yet have not mentioned that most thes bitches ain't worth none of that.

Let's talk about these girls that are being bred to be bitches.
Let's talk about these mothers that are ill-equipped and passing it along to the next generation.
Let's talk about these hoes w/ no direction.


And about the car door shit...thats some bullshit. Just get cho ass in the car b4 you get left! And the bitch BET NOT touch shit, no button, no switch, not nothing!

Why do they gotta be "bitches" you ask? That's a good question, I wanna know the answer too! Only they can answer.

Why do they gotta be "BITCHES"?

This has been established. And it's also been decided that you probably don't need to be married. There's no benefit to it for you. You won't trust anyone. Which makes sense. I don't really fault you.

Do you think there's an alternative? What do you think marriage is supposed to be?

 

[dHustla]

the alternative for me is to have a relationship with checks and balances:

always use protection, never trust a bitch with your life.
make her pay like she weigh, she gotta carry her own weight.
Respect is a must. Respect my space (literally & figuratively), respect my word.
cook and clean, a woman's work is never done.
Know that I'm a hustla not a husband. I will never marry, and if she really loves me she wouldn't want me to compromise to the point where I'm jeopardizing everything I work/stand for.
Be seen and not heard.
Speak when spoken to.
Don't talk when men are speaking.


*ok maybe the last 3 are a stretch *

with that said, I'll do my part. take care of the yard, repairs, my half of the bills, etc. I WONT be opening car doors, though. What I look like, valet?