Please make no judgment until you have finished reading, but I hope she wasn't serious about this abuse thing, because if she were than I see this as a bold face lie. Not only was she the love of my life but she was also my best friend. When I met her she was a sexually repressed tomboy, who at 15 (going on 16) parents blocked any content they thought unsuitable for her (she never saw players club, boyz n the hood, menace 2 society, soul food, and any other movie with mature content) and still haven't gave her the talk. So she would date questionable guys and act out sexually (I know from fact that she was a virgin but what else she may have done I have no idea), she would go around the school asking to see other guy's junk.
I left for a year to go to school in my home town and when I returned in the 12th grade resumed our relationship. During this time we took it to a sexual nature. Like she said before we have been together going on eight years, and during this time we have had our fair share of arguments. We would argue and curse at each other but never tried to harm each other, you can ask anyone who knows us. If we ever hit each other it was normally trading licks and usually in fun or 4play (people can vouch for that too) and if anyone else has ever traded licks before (which I’m sure a lot of you remember doing in school with friends) one of us could some time take it too far, never with any intent to hurt the other but still end up causing the other to get frustrated. Want examples? One time she was aiming to play slap me and caught me in the eye. This smarted so bad that I told her to leave me alone till I calmed down. Another time I pulled she shirt over her head hockey style and held her there while she took blind swings at me, this pissed her off so much that she refused to talk to me for the remainder of the day. I think one thing I that was truly an error on my part was teasing her, which I haven't done now unless provoked in about a year and a half to two years.
As I said I thought of her as one of my best friends. I'm an artist and a pc, she is a writer. Both of us like the same shows (even if I tell her I don't like them *cough* project runway *cough), we both like anime and manga, comic books, art, and going out to eat to try new foods. So as I stated before because of an error on my part I treated her like my friend who normally consist of a few pals from high school, my older brother, little sister, and cousins. We normally trade insults and banter to see who could top each other. She came into this willingly after I warned her that they and I meant no real harm just trying to one up her. But she secretly couldn't take it because she had never done it before, not having any close relatives near her age, and not a lot of friends because of school life stigmata (she was called nerd and white girl and other names because she was smart, I likewise was call some names before I joined the wrestling team and beefed up like nerd and white boy because I was smart and like rock), but she never told anyone and started to bottle up. So at home we would trade insults which was proficiently lacking in, so close to a year to two years (after our daughter was conceived but not yet born) ago she told me that I hurt her feelings which I took to heart and told her I would desist and have tried my best ever since.
But here is where she said the ball dropped. Both of were recently unemployed, her because she had just graduated from college and had only student work, I because of an error on my part which I admit was proportionally stupid but will not get in to. So both of us were stressed trying to find jobs and finding out that our degrees did jack shit for us. It got to the point where we would argue over stupid shit, and then she would just stop talking a bottle up shit and not tell me what’s wrong. This only added to the frustration and after one moronic spat between us she pissed me off and I refused to say anything to her (another error on my part). This is where she told me she snapped (at our 1st confrontation which I will get into later). It felt like we were in a cauldron waiting to boil over and there was no way to fix it because it seemed our problems originate from our stress.
But then I had a break and was able to land a job with my secondary profession as a pc tech and it appeared that I would be able to take care of my fiancé and my unborn daughter. I tried to do everything I could do for my fiancé, make her happy, and show her that I loved her (another error, see I have always been shy and bashful so I have a hard time admitting my feelings which she seemed to take as a slight against her even though she knew my nature). Things slowly seemed to be going back to how it was before and she seemed to be perking up. Then all too soon our daughter was born that both of us were so overjoyed that everything seemed to be right with the world. We couldn't conduct her baby shower till after her birth for certain reasons (grandma's preference). Then our lease was coming to an end (after baby shower) and my fiancé was hell bent on moving back to her home town (ATL), and wanted me to leave my job though she knew I didn't want. But I would do anything for her which she could never understand, so we moved and all too soon found ourselves in dire straits again. Neither one of us was in employed and was living off my last remaining checks. But as soon as we hit the ATL she started hanging out till morning with her cousin (who’s not the brightest person and is a slut). She would leave me with my daughter and not call.
I knew something was wrong but as naive as it may seemed I trusted her when she said that she did nothing wrong. She forgot how pc savvy I was and believed that she could hide things for me. I found nude pics and videos of her that she was sending any dick on craigslist and one asshole she dated before we met. Then I found text messages to the asshole telling how they were going to meet up latter as long as she could "leave the baby with that nigga"(me). This all took me two days to gain surmountable evidence, and in mid December I finally confronted her. I told her I was leaving. And she told me all they did was kiss *smh* I know. But it wasn't her that I tried to believe for but my daughter, because at the time it would be difficult to see her. So I agreed, never truly trusting her because I knew she wasn't telling the whole truth. Whenever I would ask her if she did anything more she would look me in the eye and say "No". But she just didn't seem right. So I hacked her PC, I will not say how because she's still being sly. So a few days ago, low and behold she receives a message from the asshole she said she had no further contact in which alluded to sex and oral. I was appalled so one again I confronted her and finally uncovered her lies. 1st she told me that they only had sex one time and that it was one of the nights she didn't come home with her cousin (between Nov and mid Dec). But she wasn't sure if I had got the info from her ex and new that he would tell me with no qualms if I had really talked to him). She told me that the 1st time was the day after our daughters baby shower (around the end of Aug early Sept) right after we had sex and a left to go back to the town we were staying in to go back to work. Then I had her tell me in horrible detail about the other encounter because I knew that with more detail it would be harder for her to lie and she would make more mistakes.
She told about when, where, and how they had sex, that she sucked dude off, and I forced her to admit that they were going bareback, knowing dude was scruple less and slept around, in essence putting my heath in danger because the broad would still come home and want to fuck. Once again her reason was because she snapped, she didn't like it and don't know why she did it, it wasn't to hurt or get back at me for something, and such and such. I ask if it you didn't like it so much and knew it was wrong and that you were hurting me and your family why continue doing it after the first so called mistake. She answers that she doesn't know and was confused. She then says that after our daughter was born no one seemed to care about her and more that it was the baby everyone cared about. She said that when she looked at the baby she loved her but wanted her to go back inside her so everyone would pay attention to her. She said this caused her to want to run away from us.
Do I believe this?
You may think me stupid but honestly I don't know.
Do I love her?
Yes.
Do I not hate her?
Yes. I hate her and with a passion.
I told her it was over, but we still reside at the same residence so I have to still see her and want to throttle her and cry at the same time.
Why haven't I left?
Is that so hard to guess? My daughter.
It's difficult for me to just leave for many reasons. One being that this impromptu move back to ATL has been kinder her job wise than it has to me, and that's not saying much. We've applied to hundreds of jobs; fast-food, retail, office, warehouse, shipping and receiving, technical, artistic. I've also applied to be an art teacher because I have the qualifications and passed all the required tests. But in order to teach here you have to have certification, and in order for me to obtain it I had to be with a school, but the only way to do that is to be certified. I received a job offer to teach in my home town but was forced to turn it down because she did not want me to go and did not want to go with me, and her parents would not let me take my daughter because they were too attached. So my fiancé took up temp jobs till one of us could catch a break (me having been declined for a lot of temp, and permanent jobs for being over qualified or not enough experience). So here I am in utter agony not being able to leave because if I leave it would almost impossible to see my daughter and no one will let me take her, also I could not stand to be away from her because I love her so much and she is the greatest thing to happen to me. So I told my ex I will reside at this residence to care for our daughter because no one else can, until one of us find s a steady gig and is able to put her in daycare. I have told her that it is over and not sure if it will ever be right between us, because right now I am utterly confused.
Do I want to be with her?
Don't think ill of me please, but I hate her and want to be away from her but also still am confused about wanting to be with her.
Will I stay?
Once again don't think ill of me but honestly I don't know.
I've been trying to gain insight on what should I do from members of my family and hers, and all have been mixed. The only thing that’s confusing me is my daughter (maybe a few feelings for my ex too), I don't want to destroy my daughters possibility for a family though it may be too late. I'm just too confused at the moment to make a conscious decision. So here I am an open book for you all to prod and criticize, but I'll take it because there is never anything wrong with objective criticism (being an art major I would know). I know I'm not the most angelic person, but I have never once put my family in jeopardy.
I apologize if I have wasted any of your time, and would not take any offense in being Colin Powelled.
through the tough times you should have dug in wih your man, the one who is sacrificing
