Women, For the love of god, get it through your heads.

[Andeyhollawho]

No I wouldn't - I would be upfront with someone I'm dating and let them know what I'm looking for. If they aren't interested in having a committed relationship them I move on. I wouldn't waste time and energy in someone who doesn't want, what I want.

I agree with you committment matters a lot and I would prefer to be in a committed bf/bf relationship then a marriage that isn't committed.

And lastly I feel the same way you do - I would rather my SO/husband come to me and say they want out or want to sleep with other people before they do it. But how often does this really happen? But I know that once he decides to sleep with someone else EVERYTHING would change.

Why?

Read above for me first then respond.

Cause this is the problem with a lot of relationships the way I see it. Not just sex but everything. See people say they want commitment but that's not what they want. They want DEVOTION. Big difference.

Cause a commitment can be broken. I can promise you that I will make it to dinner with you tonight and that is a commitment. Now if I don't make it you have the choice to say "well I can't trust him at his word so fuck Andey" or you can take a step back and say how hard did Andey really try to make that dinner? Was he just sitting at home and being lazy? Did somebody else invite him to do something and he blew me off? Did his car breakdown and he was too shamed to tell me? And THEN maybe your idea on my level of commitment will change.

That's not what you expect in a relationship.

If we were in a relationship and that dinner was important to you then you wouldn't want to take an excuse. If my car broke down and I immediately locked that shit, ran as fast as I could to the nearest bus, took a transfer that left me 2 miles from the spot, grabbed a muthafucka off his bike in broad daylight in front of the police and rode the next two miles with APD on my ass, showed up tired, sweating, clothes fucked up and was immediately put in handcuffs JUST so you could know I was devoted to keeping my word to you. Would you love me more or think I was crazy?

Cause that's what you are saying you want! No matter WHAT you want his ass at home with you. You don't care what he got to do to get there right?

 

[Andeyhollawho]

Keeping it provocative Andey. I see you.

I'm just trying to understand. Cause that shit is more complicated than we all are making it out to be.

Devil's advocate if you will.

 

[Dr. Truth]

Some of yall females I don't know why you mad. It ain't like your man wasn't out there licking ass holes and pussy before you. So why you act like all of a sudden he's a clean slate because you have him trapped? A man can come home normal after digging out some jump off. Why? Because that is what a man does. It's like going out playing ball with your bulls. After the game is over you got a nice work out and you want to go home chill with the wife and eat a sandwich. Pussy is a sport.

 

[dHustla]

I hear what your saying but I just can't get with it. I'm not comfortable sharing my man in that capacity (being okay with him sleeping with other women) I honestly feel that when a man is sleeping with other women outside of his marriage he's allowing other things in his marriage to follow resentment, dishonesty etc. I as a woman like I said before couldn't respect my man if he did that.

And if my man came home and said "baby this aint working" my first reaction would be what can "we" do to make it better. If he felt that sleeping with other women would make him happy and will help him reach his full "sexual potential" then I'm out. There is no way I'm taking care of home while my man is giving his attention and affection elsewhere?! where is my reciprocity? should I just be satisfied that I have a husband? Now of course this prob. wouldn't apply in an open marriage but I'm not down with that either...

I need security and one of my main needs in my husband providing that security is that he values my life, health and sanity cause like I mentioned when you lay down with women imo it's more than just sex. And if you are giving her that good, good like you mentioned that can lead to attachment issues, anger etc. that can be taken out on my husband or myself from these very women who are providing him with something that he "needs"so badly....

Ok, first paragraph.
You're not ok with sharing your man. Ok, that's honest. That is US communicating! Now you know where I stand and I know where you stand, and that our wants & expectations aren't exactly the same, which they don't have to be. Then we move toward making the decision on what we are willing to accept, willing to sacrifice, willing to compromise on.

Second paragraph.
Your reciprocity? You talk about taking care of home while he's out giving someone else your attention & affection... That is not what we're (Andey and I) even talking about. I'm not saying anything about you getting shortchanged in any way. Your man is the one getting shortchanged, that's why he wants to band Lisa. This is where women misinterpret things.
He's already taking care of you as far as attention and affection, evidenced by the fact that if he stepped out on you without communicating it to you then you're none the wiser. No harm no foul, because you're getting everything that you want & expect.... except for maybe honesty and monogamy. But if he told you prior to, and told you that it won't affect the relationship and that you could join in even if only to police it... then what's the problem?

I'm not trying to push something on you that you're not comfortable with, I'm just saying that we need to be more open-minded, in the world we live in, to make our relationships work.
I hope you don't feel inadequate in any way because our desires & expectations aren't exactly aligned. Damn SuchATease, I feel like we already together

 

[dHustla]

No I wouldn't - I would be upfront with someone I'm dating and let them know what I'm looking for. If they aren't interested in having a committed relationship them I move on. I wouldn't waste time and energy in someone who doesn't want, what I want.

I agree with you committment matters a lot and I would prefer to be in a committed bf/bf relationship then a marriage that isn't committed.

And lastly I feel the same way you do - I would rather my SO/husband come to me and say they want out or want to sleep with other people before they do it. But how often does this really happen? But I know that once he decides to sleep with someone else EVERYTHING would change.

Baby, a large part of what we're saying is that a relationship is more than sex. That's why one would want to get married and still sleep with other people. It's only sex, a lil booty on the side, some after lunch trim... it shouldn't pose a threat to my relationship.

 

[dHustla]

Cheating once may be forgivable depending on the context of the relationship.. But how can you be in a committed relationship / marriage and truly NOT be bothered by youre spouse or significant other sleeping around? What is the point of an open marriage? If you wanted to screw around, stay single. Be up front that you're not into commitment and let the women (or men) make their choice to stay or not to say. I seriously believe that things are way too over sexed. Sex is everywhere, its being used to sell salads, sneakers, clothes, and entertainment. With sex being everywhere you look its hard to think of anything but that. However, sex is NOT everything. And if you're chasing sex you're going to miss out on a bunch of other important things in relationships and life.

And the idea of it being mutual? I have never met a man who truly loved his girl/woman/wife and said, "nah, its ok if she screws other dudes, because I screw other chicks." NEVEERRR !! How often has this double standard been imposed? Dude will be banging every sally, lisa, dawn, and lashawn but find out his girl kissed Jamal and dump the chick.

Safety? Condoms don't protect against all STDs and aren't 100% .. Stuff happens. Kissing can lead to Herpes.. and chances are if you're having sex so much with different people, you aren't thoroughly checking backgrounds ... so I don't see how these 'ideal' situations that are being described are ever really gonna last. Hit me up in 15 yrs and lemme know how they work out for you.

See my previous post. A committed relationship goes beyond just who you're "screwing", a commitment is all encompassing. What we're talking about is having the commitment part down pat, then exploring other things. Exploring variety. Actually seeing what it hit like with the young girl you passed on aisle 9 in CVS...with your partner (or, at very least, with her consent).

 

[dHustla]

Didnt even read it all but...If I can pick the slut and she is going to eat my pussy...Then sure he can fuck her

Because thats how we like em...Sluts=Throw-Away's!

Izayoi-I know........

Onyx, please weigh in here. Let's hear from the perspective of a woman that's done it and accepts/enjoys openness.

Not to push it on anybody here, just for the purpose of understanding.

 

[dHustla]

Why?

Read above for me first then respond.

Cause this is the problem with a lot of relationships the way I see it. Not just sex but everything. See people say they want commitment but that's not what they want. They want DEVOTION. Big difference.

Cause a commitment can be broken. I can promise you that I will make it to dinner with you tonight and that is a commitment. Now if I don't make it you have the choice to say "well I can't trust him at his word so fuck Andey" or you can take a step back and say how hard did Andey really try to make that dinner? Was he just sitting at home and being lazy? Did somebody else invite him to do something and he blew me off? Did his car breakdown and he was too shamed to tell me? And THEN maybe your idea on my level of commitment will change.

That's not what you expect in a relationship.

If we were in a relationship and that dinner was important to you then you wouldn't want to take an excuse. If my car broke down and I immediately locked that shit, ran as fast as I could to the nearest bus, took a transfer that left me 2 miles from the spot, grabbed a muthafucka off his bike in broad daylight in front of the police and rode the next two miles with APD on my ass, showed up tired, sweating, clothes fucked up and was immediately put in handcuffs JUST so you could know I was devoted to keeping my word to you. Would you love me more or think I was crazy?

Cause that's what you are saying you want! No matter WHAT you want his ass at home with you. You don't care what he got to do to get there right?

Transfer? Nice touch, throwback Marta shit.

Andey, you're right, devotion is not the same as commitment, let's talk about that for a minute.
Women want us, and want to be selfish with us, but what about the devotion when it comes to men not making the grade?
What about devotion when the all the bills ain't paid?
Where is the devotion when he's working too much to get you laid? Devotion is all in, ARE YOU AFRAID?

I'm just saying, women want their way all the time and seemingly with no reciprocity as far as compromising or sacrificing. Men sacrifice a lot in a committed relationship... We stand to lose way more than we stand to gain, usually.

 

[Andeyhollawho]

Transfer? Nice touch, throwback Marta shit.

Andey, you're right, devotion is not the same as commitment, let's talk about that for a minute.
Women want us, and want to be selfish with us, but what about the devotion when it comes to men not making the grade?
What about devotion when the all the bills ain't paid?
Where is the devotion when he's working too much to get you laid? Devotion is all in, ARE YOU AFRAID?

I'm just saying, women want their way all the time and seemingly with no reciprocity as far as compromising or sacrificing. Men sacrifice a lot in a committed relationship... We stand to lose way more than we stand to gain, usually.

I told that wild ass story to say that a woman might see that as crazy but if something like that happened it's seen as "true Love". How many movies have been made about men going on long ass cross country trips or crossing seas to get to their one true love? How many women love that shit?

But when is the last time you have seen a woman go that far to keep her word? Or her promise to her man? About anything? It's not what a woman wants it's what she expects. So why should I not expect the same thing?

 

[JofromthaNO]

I told that wild ass story to say that a woman might see that as crazy but if something like that happened it's seen as "true Love". How many movies have been made about men going on long ass cross country trips or crossing seas to get to their one true love? How many women love that shit?

But when is the last time you have seen a woman go that far to keep her word? Or her promise to her man? About anything? It's not what a woman wants it's what she expects. So why should I not expect the same thing?

So, what argument are you trying to make here, playing both sides to the issue?!?

It's like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" viewpoint in this thread...

"Women we don't want you exclusively, but we want you to pursue us!"

"Women, understand I will CHEAT on you, but I love you conditionally."

Thank GOD my partner doesn't give me such mixed messages as this. We clearly outlined our expectations of our relationship BEFORE we entered our relationship, and that has helped us not have any sort of problems concerning these affairs.

And, do you want a woman to pursue you to that extent, when, historically, men have pursued women?!? AND, if we do, are we turning into "men" (technically) if we pursue a man that forcefully? Time and time again, men have WARNED women against taking on traditionally masculine roles because they truly want feminine women... so, in closing, this is a moot point, isn't it?!?


I mean, seriously, what the FUCK is going on with black men/female relationships when we're having discussions such as these instead of enjoying the company of each other?!? Seriously, what the FUCK is going on in people's relationships?!?! Are you guys young? immature? Scorned lovers?!? I give the fuck up... (drops mic)...

 

[Andeyhollawho]

So, what argument are you trying to make here, playing both sides to the issue?!?

It's like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" viewpoint in this thread...

"Women we don't want you exclusively, but we want you to pursue us!"

"Women, understand I will CHEAT on you, but I love you conditionally."

Thank GOD my partner doesn't give me such mixed messages as this. We clearly outlined our expectations of our relationship BEFORE we entered our relationship, and that has helped us not have any sort of problems concerning these affairs.

And, do you want a woman to pursue you to that extent, when, historically, men have pursued women?!? AND, if we do, are we turning into "men" (technically) if we pursue a man that forcefully? Time and time again, men have WARNED women against taking on traditionally masculine roles because they truly want feminine women... so, in closing, this is a moot point, isn't it?!?


I mean, seriously, what the FUCK is going on with black men/female relationships when we're having discussions such as these instead of enjoying the company of each other?!? Seriously, what the FUCK is going on in people's relationships?!?! Are you guys young? immature? Scorned lovers?!? I give the fuck up... (drops mic)...

Seriously Jo?

First of all don't even get me started on the whole independent woman movement. Women want to be independent when it best suits them to be. When it empowers them. But once a man ask for independent thought on some shit that may hurt them it's "Ohhhhhhh big strong man you are supposed to be my protector. Why oh why are you asking me such things." Get off that shit.

Think about what I have said Jo. I said point blank..

1. If a man is cheating on you and YOU DON'T KNOW, and you think the relationship is good and perfect and just the best shit since sliced toast are you stupid for thinking that? Are you stupid for feeling that way when you didn't know?

2. If you find out your man was cheating on you are you now entitled to feel shitty about everything that took place in this good perfect best shit since sliced toast relationship? Was his feelings a lie? Is the way he made you feel a lie?

3. WHY???

Answer that for me? Because what I said was point blank if you KNOW not thought but KNOW I love you even though I was out there fucking around but I still came home to you and was happy and treated you like the best then you are not pissed off at my treatment of you in the relationship.

YOU MA'AM ARE PISSED OFF BECAUSE I WAS DISHONEST!

So I said why couldn't a man/woman be honest about it from jump eliminating the dishonest part and this shit went off on a wild tangent. It's a valid question. Cause I was hot shit when you didn't know but now you know and I'm not shit because I lied. I get that. But you are mad at the lie not at how I treated you?

 

[JofromthaNO]

When you love something or someone, you TRULY do not want to share that with anyone else, period.

If a man were to tell me he wanted to sleep with others, he is endangering my health, my reproductive safety, and his reproductice safety. You're in this thread trying to make hazardous sexual behaviors appear "safe" somehow for a woman, when it isn't even safe for a MAN to be sleeping around with women, even if he does wear a condom.

Why is it that people must act as if men are barbaric and act first, think later when you are truly informed individuals who fully know and understand the implications of your actions? Do you know that some psychologists define intelligence simply as that - having an understanding of the moral and social conventions that shape appropriate decision making? So I don't buy this SHIT about men not being able to be monogomous partners because it just proves that men can't control their actions? And, I know men can...

Stop co-signing the risky behaviors of black women AND black men. Possess some fucking self control and start treating your body as it is a fucking temple. When a man/woman finds what he/she likes/loves, they stick with it and remain loyal. why is it so hard for SOME men/women to remain loyal is because they don't possess enough self- loyalty and love for SElF to appreciate how significant that act of sex is with one partner...

I'm just preaching to a brick wall, though...

 

[JofromthaNO]

And the only woman who would "agree" to such terms is a woman who doesn't love herself enough to know it isn't love a man is projecting, if he wants to cheat... It is him not possessing enough self-control and he would need to be dropped...

 

[Andeyhollawho]

Seriously Jo?

Think about what I have said Jo. I said point blank..

1. If a man is cheating on you and YOU DON'T KNOW, and you think the relationship is good and perfect and just the best shit since sliced toast are you stupid for thinking that? Are you stupid for feeling that way when you didn't know?

Answer that for me?

When you love something or someone, you TRULY do not want to share that with anyone else, period.

If a man were to tell me he wanted to sleep with others, he is endangering my health, my reproductive safety, and his reproductice safety. You're in this thread trying to make hazardous sexual behaviors appear "safe" somehow for a woman, when it isn't even safe for a MAN to be sleeping around with women, even if he does wear a condom.

Why is it that people must act as if men are barbaric and act first, think later when you are truly informed individuals who fully know and understand the implications of your actions? Do you know that some psychologists define intelligence simply as that - having an understanding of the moral and social conventions that shape appropriate decision making? So I don't buy this SHIT about men not being able to be monogomous partners because it just proves that men can't control their actions? And, I know men can...

Stop co-signing the risky behaviors of black women AND black men. Possess some fucking self control and start treating your body as it is a fucking temple. When a man/woman finds what he/she likes/loves, they stick with it and remain loyal. why is it so hard for SOME men/women to remain loyal is because they don't possess enough self- loyalty and love for SElF to appreciate how significant that act of sex is with one partner...

I'm just preaching to a brick wall, though...

You still didn't answer my question though Jo?

I got it. I get it. But the brick wall is you right now.

So what I am getting from you is that if a man was to cheat on you it's better he do it and never let you find out basically. I know you'll come back and say that you wouldn't be with a man who would cheat and you discuss and blah, blah, blah but the fact is you don't know until you know based on what you are saying.

That's the premise of what you are saying right. Self control. At least put up the facade of it right? I'm truly trying to understand what is wrong with what I've said. Re-read my shit again cause you lumping me in right now.

 

[JofromthaNO]

You still didn't answer my question though Jo?

I got it. I get it. But the brick wall is you right now.

So what I am getting from you is that if a man was to cheat on you it's better he do it and never let you find out basically. I know you'll come back and say that you wouldn't be with a man who would cheat and you discuss and blah, blah, blah but the fact is you don't know until you know based on what you are saying.

That's the premise of what you are saying right. Self control. At least put up the facade of it right?

It's not just men who cheat by the way.

You know, I realized earlier I didn't answer your questions, but I was working late, and knew I'd come back to the thread...

I can only speak from a woman's perspective in saying what I would expect, as a woman...never been a man, so I don't want to speak on their POV when I don't know it...

However, CHEATING is something I dislike, whether I know about it or not...sometimes there are signs, sometimes there aren't...but, if either a man or woman wants to fuck someone else, they don't need to be in a relationship. I have more respect for a person who is single and chooses to run around making risky decisions than a person who considers their relationship to be a good one, yet they are fucking around on the side. I, personally, don't consider it healthy...

And, to answer your question, if my expectations were that we were monogomous, yes, I would feel stupid for thinking he cared about me when his actions showed differently. And, when most women say they are in a relationship with a man, they consider it to be exclusive...meaning, he doesn't FUCK anybody else. I've seen dudes get upset about a woman merely talking on the phone with a member of the opposite sex, so I'm just supposed to be cool with him fucking behind my back?!? It's misconstruing my expectations of a relationship and maybe it's my fault for not putting that out there first before I pursue something serious with him...either way, I would feel pretty stupid and probably ownership over the fucked up situation...

Turn the tables, guys...you want to carry on a relationship (and consider it love) if a woman was fucking you and somebody else at the same time? A relationship?!? That's not a relationship...that's fuck buddies...

 

[Andeyhollawho]

You know, I realized earlier I didn't answer your questions, but I was working late, and knew I'd come back to the thread...

I can only speak from a woman's perspective in saying what I would expect, as a woman...never been a man, so I don't want to speak on their POV when I don't know it...

However, CHEATING is something I dislike, whether I know about it or not...sometimes there are signs, sometimes there aren't...but, if either a man or woman wants to fuck someone else, they don't need to be in a relationship. I have more respect for a person who is single and chooses to run around making risky decisions than a person who considers their relationship to be a good one, yet they are fucking around on the side. I, personally, don't consider it healthy...

And, to answer your question, if my expectations were that we were monogomous, yes, I would feel stupid for thinking he cared about me when his actions showed differently. And, when most women say they are in a relationship with a man, they consider it to be exclusive...meaning, he doesn't FUCK anybody else. I've seen dudes get upset about a woman merely talking on the phone with a member of the opposite sex, so I'm just supposed to be cool with him fucking behind my back?!? It's misconstruing my expectations of a relationship and maybe it's my fault for not putting that out there first before I pursue something serious with him...either way, I would feel pretty stupid and probably ownership over the fucked up situation...

Turn the tables, guys...you want to carry on a relationship (and consider it love) if a woman was fucking you and somebody else at the same time? A relationship?!? That's not a relationship...that's fuck buddies...

OK the point of what I said was...read carefully...

If you don't know a man is cheating on you and the relationship is going great. You don't know and think the world of him.

IS IT BETTER NOT TO KNOW!!!

Cause again people are saying it's impossible for a man or a woman to sleep around and the relationship stay in tact and I am telling you the shit happens all the time. Until the other person finds out. When they find out THEN the problem is not does this man/woman treat me the way I want to be treated it becomes "why didn't you tell me". It is the honesty that is the problem.

So my question again is can anybody in a relationship REALLY be honest about infidelity before it happens. Cause every woman in here has said they would rather know before it happens. Do you really???

 

[JofromthaNO]

OK the point of what I said was...read carefully...

If you don't know a man is cheating on you and the relationship is going great. You don't know and think the world of him.

IS IT BETTER NOT TO KNOW!!!

Cause again people are saying it's impossible for a man or a woman to sleep around and the relationship stay in tact and I am telling you the shit happens all the time. Until the other person finds out. When they find out THEN the problem is not does this man/woman treat me the way I want to be treated it becomes "why didn't you tell me". It is the honesty that is the problem.

So my question again is can anybody in a relationship REALLY be honest about infidelity before it happens. Cause every woman in here has said they would rather know before it happens. Do you really???

To me, the question makes no sense...you're asking me a hypothetical question about something I would never know about...it's like asking me, "would you want your husband to cheat on me?" Of course I don't want that to happen. I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a man who considered that mindframe...

How can you be honest about infidelity before it happens?!? That's telling the woman when you ask her to be your girl, "Uh, yeah, you know I'm gonna be fucking around on you, right? You cool with that?"

See how many women hang around after that statement is made...

 

[Andeyhollawho]

To me, the question makes no sense...you're asking me a hypothetical question about something I would never know about...it's like asking me, "would you want your husband to cheat on me?" Of course I don't want that to happen. I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a man who considered that mindframe...

How can you be honest about infidelity before it happens?!? That's telling the woman when you ask her to be your girl, "Uh, yeah, you know I'm gonna be fucking around on you, right? You cool with that?"

See how many women hang around after that statement is made...

Jo I know women who fuck dudes that are in relationships already. Shit I know girls that fuck men who are MARRIED. You don't think the whole "fucking other people" shit is a prerequisite to that type of relationship? Do you know any women who do that but swear they are "in love".

How about a woman who is fucking a man who just got out of a relationship. Even if you are single and he just broke up with his girl, crying on the shoulder, don't know what he gonna do shit and you fuck him. Again knowing good and well he is FUCKING somebody else and has the potential to fuck them again.

You can't really be this naive about this topic. See you still living in that "ideal" and that ideal is what gets people so fucked up. You can get to know somebody and think you know somebody but you will never REALLY get to know somebody with a closed mind.

To answer your question I really wouldn't give a damn if you were fucking somebody else. If it were me and you. Fuck who you want to just let me know. Cause as I get to know you I'm hoping in my heart that I will be man enough to not make you want anybody else and there will come a time when I will ask you not to. THEN we can discuss it and after that discussion if you step out I'm through. Period. But I don't expect that from jumpstreet.

 

[Andeyhollawho]

To me, the question makes no sense...you're asking me a hypothetical question about something I would never know about...it's like asking me, "would you want your husband to cheat on me?" Of course I don't want that to happen. I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a man who considered that mindframe...

Let me address this real quick. This is my point. It's not hypothetical. Have you ever been cheated on? Because if you have think back to how that relationship was BEFORE you found out and after.

What changed about the person?

Not a damn thing. Same person who treated you nice, took you out, made love to you, made you love him. Same dude.

What changed was your "ideal" of him and you were appalled at his dishonesty. That changed your ideal of him and he became something you didn't want or trust.

You "assumed" his mindframe wasn't like that. If you've ever been in a relationship with a man who cheated on you and you loved him you loved a man with that mindframe. He just couldn't tell you about it because you wouldn't have opened yourself to it at all. Did you enjoy loving him though while you did?

 

[onyxfemme]

I would but I like to sit back and read what is believed about everyone versus what I know about ME...Quite entertaining
Bringing my own fantasy to life while giving my man a little variety and I have total control??????? Look what I do or have done in previous relationships may not work for everyone...But it has worked/works for me....

But hey I am just a freak anyway

I have learned to be free about my sexuality and doing so keeps me happy...Some women do what they do for lack of confidence....That is something that I have plenty of.

Now going behind my back is a WHOLE OTHER situation.

Onyx, please weigh in here. Let's hear from the perspective of a woman that's done it and accepts/enjoys openness.

Not to push it on anybody here, just for the purpose of understanding.

 

[pking]

"Because a man may hold sacred the institution of family and wants all his kids to live under the same roof and have the same mother and father.....
Please don't confuse this with wanting the same woman all the time.

I'm not the biggest fan of marriage but it has a certain level of stability and structure associated with it. The kind of stability and structure that a man may need in the business world, or other situations."

 

[JofromthaNO]

Jo I know women who fuck dudes that are in relationships already. Shit I know girls that fuck men who are MARRIED. You don't think the whole "fucking other people" shit is a prerequisite to that type of relationship? Do you know any women who do that but swear they are "in love".

How about a woman who is fucking a man who just got out of a relationship. Even if you are single and he just broke up with his girl, crying on the shoulder, don't know what he gonna do shit and you fuck him. Again knowing good and well he is FUCKING somebody else and has the potential to fuck them again.

You can't really be this naive about this topic. See you still living in that "ideal" and that ideal is what gets people so fucked up. You can get to know somebody and think you know somebody but you will never REALLY get to know somebody with a closed mind.

To answer your question I really wouldn't give a damn if you were fucking somebody else. If it were me and you. Fuck who you want to just let me know. Cause as I get to know you I'm hoping in my heart that I will be man enough to not make you want anybody else and there will come a time when I will ask you not to. THEN we can discuss it and after that discussion if you step out I'm through. Period. But I don't expect that from jumpstreet.

I'm not living in the "ideal," Andey. What I am talking about is the expectations I put out there, from jump, about the relationships I chose to partake in. If I say I'm going to be with you, and I want to be exclusive and you can't be, see ya! Just as if he, before we jump into a relationship, he says he wants to fuck other women but I'm not down for that, see ya! Maybe a man feels like he can't be honest with a woman if he wants to fuck other women, but it's probably because he understands probably no fucking women will co-sign that sort of behavior if he was upfront about it. It's not just about honesty, but responsibility and loyalty to your partner...

Let me address this real quick. This is my point. It's not hypothetical. Have you ever been cheated on? Because if you have think back to how that relationship was BEFORE you found out and after.

What changed about the person?

Not a damn thing. Same person who treated you nice, took you out, made love to you, made you love him. Same dude.

What changed was your "ideal" of him and you were appalled at his dishonesty. That changed your ideal of him and he became something you didn't want or trust.

You "assumed" his mindframe wasn't like that. If you've ever been in a relationship with a man who cheated on you and you loved him you loved a man with that mindframe. He just couldn't tell you about it because you wouldn't have opened yourself to it at all. Did you enjoy loving him though while you did?

Yes, I've been cheated on. And, yes, after he cheated, I felt I saw him as who he really was: selfish. Of course I enjoyed the relationship and who he was, but what I resented was that he didn't feel responsible enough to say, 'hey, shit isn't working out and I want out." Do I think he's a habitual cheater? No, but I think he took it upon himself to make a stupid decision. This was before I understood that I need to let a man know what I expect out of a relationship. Maybe if I had heard him out, it wouldn't have happened. But, I was young and I understand I possibly played a role in it.

Look, what works for some doesn't work for others. I understand what works for me, as a partner in a relationship and as a woman. I appreciate and respect a mutually exclusive relationship from a man. What I DON'T respect is any man (or woman) pushing their relationship dogma as if it is a "one-size-fits-all" approach for males and females. Just as Onyx has mentioned, it works for her. It wouldn't work for me, but I can respect her for knowing who she is and being with someone that also feels the same. But, the fact of the matter is it that there is no "one-size-fits-all" anything in relationships, when it comes to attraction, relationship style, etc.

This is my last post on this matter. I want no more in having a discussion about how I feel when I have something that is apparently working for me.

 

[Andeyhollawho]

I'm not living in the "ideal," Andey. What I am talking about is the expectations I put out there, from jump, about the relationships I chose to partake in. If I say I'm going to be with you, and I want to be exclusive and you can't be, see ya! Just as if he, before we jump into a relationship, he says he wants to fuck other women but I'm not down for that, see ya! Maybe a man feels like he can't be honest with a woman if he wants to fuck other women, but it's probably because he understands probably no fucking women will co-sign that sort of behavior if he was upfront about it. It's not just about honesty, but responsibility and loyalty to your partner...

Yes, I've been cheated on. And, yes, after he cheated, I felt I saw him as who he really was: selfish. Of course I enjoyed the relationship and who he was, but what I resented was that he didn't feel responsible enough to say, 'hey, shit isn't working out and I want out." Do I think he's a habitual cheater? No, but I think he took it upon himself to make a stupid decision. This was before I understood that I need to let a man know what I expect out of a relationship. Maybe if I had heard him out, it wouldn't have happened. But, I was young and I understand I possibly played a role in it.

Look, what works for some doesn't work for others. I understand what works for me, as a partner in a relationship and as a woman. I appreciate and respect a mutually exclusive relationship from a man. What I DON'T respect is any man (or woman) pushing their relationship dogma as if it is a "one-size-fits-all" approach for males and females. Just as Onyx has mentioned, it works for her. It wouldn't work for me, but I can respect her for knowing who she is and being with someone that also feels the same. But, the fact of the matter is it that there is no "one-size-fits-all" anything in relationships, when it comes to attraction, relationship style, etc.

This is my last post on this matter. I want no more in having a discussion about how I feel when I have something that is apparently working for me.

I never said it shouldn't work for you. I asked you to be realistic about the situation. I don't expect to change your mind on anything and you seem hell bent on stopping me from doing something I don't intend to do.

I'll say this and I'll leave it here with you. I'm not advocating stepping out on your partner for the sake of stepping out. I'm not preaching about the benefits of an open relationship. There are pitfalls to anything you get into.

BUT what you are saying is just the opposite side of your "one size fits all" mantra. What you are saying is people should be monogamous and guys/girls who are not are "barbaric, simple, have no since of loyalty, no love for themselves, no respect for anybody" heathens. Did I leave anything out?

So it's cool if other people want to be heathens but you won't date them although you already have dated one of these heathens and actually though he was cool? And you don't rule out the fact that you may in the future but if you find out again then of course you will just rinse and repeat?

I think I've hit that brick wall again. What I say is bury your head in the sand and hope for the best Jo. Cause I've learned that when you are dating somebody they can tell you anything. It really comes down to what you choose to believe. And what you choose not to.

 

[p5ych3]

this is lost on a lot of ppl.

there is no "one-size-fits-all" anything in relationships, when it comes to attraction, relationship style, etc.

that and expecting ppl to be frozen in time.

 

[dHustla]

When you love something or someone, you TRULY do not want to share that with anyone else, period.

So no true. When one truly loves something/someone they want to share it/them with the world. They want the world to know how magnificent the thing or person is that they love soe much.

Why is it that people must act as if men are barbaric and act first, think later when you are truly informed individuals who fully know and understand the implications of your actions? Do you know that some psychologists define intelligence simply as that - having an understanding of the moral and social conventions that shape appropriate decision making? So I don't buy this SHIT about men not being able to be monogomous partners because it just proves that men can't control their actions? And, I know men can...

It's not that I (because I can only speak for myself) can't con-trol my actions..... it's just that I'm choosing not to con-form. Understand I would con-sider compromising if I thought it was worth the sacrifice, but I don't. I want what I want and I feel like there is no reason I shouldn't get it, have it, and keep it.

Earlier you said something about scorned lovers... maybe. My mama wasn't nurturing so I don't value a relationship the same. I don't even value the same things most people do when I'm in a relationship.

Stop co-signing the risky behaviors of black women AND black men. Possess some fucking self control and start treating your body as it is a fucking temple. When a man/woman finds what he/she likes/loves, they stick with it and remain loyal. why is it so hard for SOME men/women to remain loyal is because they don't possess enough self- loyalty and love for SElF to appreciate how significant that act of sex is with one partner...

I'm just preaching to a brick wall, though...

now I'm a brick wall?

 

[dHustla]

Turn the tables, guys...you want to carry on a relationship (and consider it love) if a woman was fucking you and somebody else at the same time? A relationship?!? That's not a relationship...that's fuck buddies...

OK.............I want a fuck buddy

So shoot me........

 

[dHustla]

You can get to know somebody and think you know somebody but you will never REALLY get to know somebody with a closed mind.

PROFOUND

To answer your question I really wouldn't give a damn if you were fucking somebody else. If it were me and you. Fuck who you want to just let me know. Cause as I get to know you I'm hoping in my heart that I will be man enough to not make you want anybody else and there will come a time when I will ask you not to. THEN we can discuss it and after that discussion if you step out I'm through. Period. But I don't expect that from jumpstreet.

PENTECOSTAL! SANCTUARY!

 

[dHustla]

I would but I like to sit back and read what is believed about everyone versus what I know about ME...Quite entertaining
Bringing my own fantasy to life while giving my man a little variety and I have total control??????? Look what I do or have done in previous relationships may not work for everyone...But it has worked/works for me....

But hey I am just a freak anyway

I have learned to be free about my sexuality and doing so keeps me happy...Some women do what they do for lack of confidence....That is something that I have plenty of.

Now going behind my back is a WHOLE OTHER situation.

Meeee Toooo!

 

[dHustla]

This is my last post on this matter. I want no more in having a discussion about how I feel when I have something that is apparently working for me.

this makes me feel like shit. I hope we, or I, didn't push our agenda on you.

This is just a discussion on the matter. An exchange of ideas. I hope I didn't offend you. Damn, I done fucked up again.

 

[Andeyhollawho]

this makes me feel like shit. I hope we, or I, didn't push our agenda on you.

This is just a discussion on the matter. An exchange of ideas. I hope I didn't offend you. Damn, I done fucked up again.

Yeah I felt the same way. Discussion only. I thought it was a good topic that most people don't like to think about or touch on but happens everyday in our lives.

 

[candi]

Some of yall females I don't know why you mad. It ain't like your man wasn't out there licking ass holes and pussy before you. So why you act like all of a sudden he's a clean slate because you have him trapped? A man can come home normal after digging out some jump off. Why? Because that is what a man does. It's like going out playing ball with your bulls. After the game is over you got a nice work out and you want to go home chill with the wife and eat a sandwich. Pussy is a sport.

Whoa….. No harm intended, but, what is the age (dare to say the level of maturity) of these men we are talking about here.

 

[SuchATease]

Good Discussion Folks! I've been sick so I just took some time to catch up... JofromthaNO we feel very similiar on this topic..

Dhustla and Andey is was good reading your perspectives...as a Therapist I love to read/hear about other prospectives about life and behavior...

Thanks!

 

[dHustla]

Good Discussion Folks! I've been sick so I just took some time to catch up... JofromthaNO we feel very similiar on this topic..

Dhustla and Andey is was good reading your perspectives...as a Therapist I love to read/hear about other prospectives about life and behavior...

Thanks!

That's all you got so say?

Contribute

 

[JofromthaNO]

Good Discussion Folks! I've been sick so I just took some time to catch up... JofromthaNO we feel very similiar on this topic..

Dhustla and Andey is was good reading your perspectives...as a Therapist I love to read/hear about other prospectives about life and behavior...

Thanks!

You're a therapist, SuchATease?!?!?

We should talk...

 

[LoneStar29]

So why is it that men get mad when women say all men are dogs??? LOL doesn't this thread sort of reaffirm that idea?? Just asking

IMO this is just bad behaviour that some men want us to believe is in their nature so they can get away with being slack ... I think you are selling yourself too short

And it's naive and selfish to expect a woman to love and take care of you while you are out having other relationships ... dont ask for a wife if you aren't willing to be a husband ... if you wanna fuck then stay single and do it