Sistas I need your imput on a serious note...

[Retired_pphil01]

I would like a woman's view on this issue I am going thru...

I have been married for 8 yrs now, a good marriage we have our ups and downs but I would not trade her for the world. But my wife is very insecure of my relationship ex-wife and I have no idea why.

In my previous marriage I was blessed with my 1st child my daughter which was planned and concieved in love. But after a few yrs the marriage went south and we remained friends I made sure of that. I promised her (my ex) that I would always be there for her daughter or not because she stuck by me through a 2yr prison sentence, she is very independent but I still back her up when need be (financially). Am I wrong?

My wife thinks I should not do what I do for my ex...because I make sure she and my daughter does not go without...wether she has a man or not. I treat my wife like a queen but she keeps throwing my ex in my face. I am a stay/work from home dad, I cook clean and take care of our kids when she needs me to. I bought her the 1st home she wanted...I am always around never in the streets....but she is insecure help me out please...

 

[Knasty]

I aint no woman of course, but sometimes in situations like yours it's just best to take care of your daughter. Your ex could be in whatever condition but as long as your daughter is straight. Seems like the new wife is concerned as to why your ex is being taken care of if she got a man. Your daughter yes but the ex should live her life also. Easier said than done

 

[Retired_pphil01]

I aint no woman of course, but sometimes in situations like yours it's just best to take care of your daughter. Your ex could be in whatever condition but as long as your daughter is straight. Seems like the new wife is concerned as to why your ex is being taken care of if she got a man. Your daughter yes but the ex should live her life also. Easier said than done

I hear you on that....now she (ex) dont ask for nothing unless she short on cash for bills, and not big amounts. I feel if she short on her car note or lights or phone, I should help because I want my daughter to be able to get around or have the things she need....man or no man....he is not my concern. Am I thinking wrong?

 

[Knasty]

Well if she can't take care of herself then maybe you should ask for custody... HONESTLY...

She's a grown woman and taken care of your child is fine, but if in order to take care of your child you have to take care of your ex then something aint right. Shit she always gonna be claimin broke cause she know you care bout the kid.

I would look a lil deeper in her situation for real. You can get your child and make sure she living good

 

[Retired_pphil01]

Well if she can't take care of herself then maybe you should ask for custody... HONESTLY...

She's a grown woman and taken care of your child is fine, but if in order to take care of your child you have to take care of your ex then something aint right. Shit she always gonna be claimin broke cause she know you care bout the kid.

I would look a lil deeper in her situation for real. You can get your child and make sure she living good

true point...
thanks dude

 

[LoneStar29]

As a woman I firstly wanna thank you for being not only a good man but a good person ... you rarely meet a man who has this much compassion for a woman never mind an ex ... that's really big of you ... in regards to your situation it's hard cuz I know you wanna be there for your daughter but you might have to keep the help you give to your ex at a minimum ... your new lady comes first now and your ex is just gonna have to learn how to do it on her own ... you never know ... she may be spending her money unwisely cuz she knows you'll always have her back ... I think you should give her a certain amount of child support a month and let her work with that ... if she really needs extra help like once in a blue moon it's cool to help her ... but I don't think you should regularly be cleaning up her mess ... and your girl ... well she needs to just chill and not be so hard on you cuz you're intentions are good and there aren't too many men out there like you so she'd better hold on for dear life ... lol ... hope that helps you out a bit

 

[nick177th]

As a woman I firstly wanna thank you for being not only a good man but a good person ... you rarely meet a man who has this much compassion for a woman never mind an ex ... that's really big of you ... in regards to your situation it's hard cuz I know you wanna be there for your daughter but you might have to keep the help you give to your ex at a minimum ... your new lady comes first now and your ex is just gonna have to learn how to do it on her own ... you never know ... she may be spending her money unwisely cuz she knows you'll always have her back ... I think you should give her a certain amount of child support a month and let her work with that ... if she really needs extra help like once in a blue moon it's cool to help her ... but I don't think you should regularly be cleaning up her mess ... and your girl ... well she needs to just chill and not be so hard on you cuz you're intentions are good and there aren't too many men out there like you so she'd better hold on for dear life ... lol ... hope that helps you out a bit

cosign. Bruh, you keepin' the ex in the picture TOO much. I'm very good friends with my oldest son's mother. Although she lives 8 hours away, and is married again, women are always a little leary about our relationship. And I don't even help her with her issues. So, I KNOW what YOU'RE going through. Take care of your child and your WIFE. Ol' girl has to fend for herself. That may sound cold but, it's reality. She can only be your "Baby's Momma" and maybe a friend. But, not to the extent that you're taking it to.

 

[Retired_pphil01]

cosign. Bruh, you keepin' the ex in the picture TOO much. I'm very good friends with my oldest son's mother. Although she lives 8 hours away, and is married again, women are always a little leary about our relationship. And I don't even help her with her issues. So, I KNOW what YOU'RE going through. Take care of your child and your WIFE. Ol' girl has to fend for herself. That may sound cold but, it's reality. She can only be your "Baby's Momma" and maybe a friend. But, not to the extent that you're taking it to.

I hear that .....Thanks ya'll,
guess I gots to be tougher......

 

[DaleMabry]

All good advice.

I feel you on helping keep your daughter's home life happy by pitching in to help your ex from time to time, though. Its very tough to separate the two.

I think you can go one of two ways:

Either put distance between your wife and your ex--i.e., stop telling your wife so much about your ex and what you do for her, if you have to help her do it discreetly; but keep it financial, no late night heart-to-hearts or its gonna look like you are cheating on the wife...

...or have your wife get to know your ex so she stops building her up in her head as a threat.

The first one is the safest move, the second one might be the most secure move longterm.

But the way you have it now, distancing your wife from your ex while keeping your wife informed of the help you give her, thats not gonna work.

Also is your wife close to your daughter? If she is, or if she could be, she might look at it the way you do--stuff you do with the ultimate goal and concern for your daughter being key.

Now if wifey has resentment or cold feelings towards your DAUGHTER you have a whole different problem of a higher magnitude on your hands.

All I can advise is--NEVER pick a mate over your child, EVER. EVER.

EVER.

 

[MCP]

I can understand the issues that you're going through. It looks like there's issues between your your daughter and ex wife and also your present wife here.

I think that you should reassure your wife that still love and cherish her, but also make it known that you have a responsibility for the welfare of your daughter.

I would also try to keep contact with your ex to a bare minimum if possible.

 

[LoneStar29]

All good advice.

I feel you on helping keep your daughter's home life happy by pitching in to help your ex from time to time, though. Its very tough to separate the two.

I think you can go one of two ways:

Either put distance between your wife and your ex--i.e., stop telling your wife so much about your ex and what you do for her, if you have to help her do it discreetly; but keep it financial, no late night heart-to-hearts or its gonna look like you are cheating on the wife...

...or have your wife get to know your ex so she stops building her up in her head as a threat.

The first one is the safest move, the second one might be the most secure move longterm.

But the way you have it now, distancing your wife from your ex while keeping your wife informed of the help you give her, thats not gonna work.

Also is your wife close to your daughter? If she is, or if she could be, she might look at it the way you do--stuff you do with the ultimate goal and concern for your daughter being key.

Now if wifey has resentment or cold feelings towards your DAUGHTER you have a whole different problem of a higher magnitude on your hands.

All I can advise is--NEVER pick a mate over your child, EVER. EVER.

EVER.

I feel where DaleMabry is coming from but as a woman I'm telling you that it's not a good idea to lie to your wife about anything you do for your ex cuz if your wife ever finds out it will only add to her insecurities times 1,000,000 then she'll start thinking you're doing other things with your ex behind her back too ... then you'll NEVER hear the end of it ... trust me ... be honest at all times ... but the question about your wife's relationship with your daughter was a good one ... if they are close then it'll probably help your cause ... and oh yeah ... I c/s with DaleMabry ... NEVER EVER EVER EVER pick ANYBODY over your kids

 

[Retired_pphil01]

All good advice.

I feel you on helping keep your daughter's home life happy by pitching in to help your ex from time to time, though. Its very tough to separate the two.

I think you can go one of two ways:

Either put distance between your wife and your ex--i.e., stop telling your wife so much about your ex and what you do for her, if you have to help her do it discreetly; but keep it financial, no late night heart-to-hearts or its gonna look like you are cheating on the wife...

...or have your wife get to know your ex so she stops building her up in her head as a threat.

The first one is the safest move, the second one might be the most secure move longterm.

But the way you have it now, distancing your wife from your ex while keeping your wife informed of the help you give her, thats not gonna work.

Also is your wife close to your daughter? If she is, or if she could be, she might look at it the way you do--stuff you do with the ultimate goal and concern for your daughter being key.

Now if wifey has resentment or cold feelings towards your DAUGHTER you have a whole different problem of a higher magnitude on your hands.

All I can advise is--NEVER pick a mate over your child, EVER. EVER.

EVER.

I try out of respect for my wife to keep her informed of any contact I have with my ex, and I do not hide anything from her. I do not have out of context conversations with my ex, or do I do visits alone...(I take my step daughter or my/our (current wife) son)

I have been thinking over everything you all have said....
and I even try to put myself in the reverse roll and I dont like it. I start to do it and very soon...like this weekend.

 

[Jam_Jam]

I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. He would pay child support for our son every month and if I needed something extra, he would give it to me. This became a habit, and I found myself asking for extra money every month. Then he got re-married. His new wife did not want him doing anything "extra" for me. She was very insecure about me even though we lived on different coasts. I sort of resented her and felt that what went on between he and I was none of her business. I was wrong of course, because they were married and she did have a say about him giving me "extra" money. I stopped asking for more money and started being more responsible with the money that I had.

What you have to understand is that your wife is justifiable in her feeling about this matter. Most second wives suffer from "second wife insecurity". It's normal because there is always that issue of "she was there before me" and when there is a child involved the ex will always be in the picture. I believe you should pay your ex a certain amount of child support every month and she should make due with what she is given. She needs to budget her money and if that doesn't work she should consider finding better employment. It's great she stood by you for two years when you were in prison, but that doesn't mean you should feel "indebted" to her. You have a responsibility for your child and that is where it ends. Your main focus should be your children and the wife that you have right now. I commend you on wanting to take care of your ex, but that is not your job. Could it be that you are taking care of her so she won't remarry? Do some soul searching and really think about your actions. You obviously still care about your ex but you need to draw the line in the sand and step away before you wind up with two ex-wives.

 

[LoneStar29]

I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. He would pay child support for our son every month and if I needed something extra, he would give it to me. This became a habit, and I found myself asking for extra money every month. Then he got re-married. His new wife did not want him doing anything "extra" for me. She was very insecure about me even though we lived on different coasts. I sort of resented her and felt that what went on between he and I was none of her business. I was wrong of course, because they were married and she did have a say about him giving me "extra" money. I stopped asking for more money and started being more responsible with the money that I had.

What you have to understand is that your wife is justifiable in her feeling about this matter. Most second wives suffer from "second wife insecurity". It's normal because there is always that issue of "she was there before me" and when there is a child involved the ex will always be in the picture. I believe you should pay your ex a certain amount of child support every month and she should make due with what she is given. She needs to budget her money and if that doesn't work she should consider finding better employment. It's great she stood by you for two years when you were in prison, but that doesn't mean you should feel "indebted" to her. You have a responsibility for your child and that is where it ends. Your main focus should be your children and the wife that you have right now. I commend you on wanting to take care of your ex, but that is not your job. Could it be that you are taking care of her so she won't remarry? Do some soul searching and really think about your actions. You obviously still care about your ex but you need to draw the line in the sand and step away before you wind up with two ex-wives.

Good for you getting your stuff in order on your own... good advice too ... I was sayin' the same thing earlier

 

[destrehan]

true point...
thanks dude

fuck all this man, just make her start paying you back any money you lend her. if she balks, strike with a custody bid. piece of cake.