Parents: what is constituted as "raising"?

[dHustla]

I know this is subjective and will vary from one person to the next, but where/when is the distinction made between a mother or father providing, yet not raising their child(ren)?

We all know providing is a part of raising a child, but raising isn't necessarily always a part of providing.

Just like a man can pay child support and be present enough in the child's life to be known, can't a woman provide for the child and not be there in so many other capacities that are needed?

where is the line drawn?

What characteristics & values should be instilled for one to have played an integral role in "raising" a child?

Self love? Compassion? Considerateness? Self respect? Self confidence? Self esteem? Selflessness?

Does the absence of all of these values deem a child not "raised" by the parent, but merely provided for?

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

The whole total package in my view. I actually value being there in your child's day to day life. If you parents are no longer together then you sacrifice whatever it takes to be there. You do whatever it takes to provide as much stability for your kids as you possibly can. You sacrifice your own wants and desires for the betterment of your children. You're there everyday. You discipline. You provide a presence. You make decisions for their lives. Is money important? Sure it is. I don't believe it's vital at all though. My husband wasn't big on toys or spending money in general but he spent a LOT of time with the kids. He homeschooled them, and he had them with him most of the time.

 

[followup]

being in the home with the child, giving him/her the necessities in life (love, food, clothing, shelter, education), and setting a good example of a responsible adult. If you are not doing that, then you are not doing a good job raising your child.

 

[dHustla]

being in the home with the child, giving him/her the necessities in life (love, food, clothing, shelter, education), and setting a good example of a responsible adult. If you are not doing that, then you are not doing a good job raising your child.

So if someone grew up with all but the bolded, the adult in the house didn't raise them?

not arguing, just askin

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Interesting, but the thing you'd have to ask is, love according to whom? People show love differently. People acknowledge love differently. Hell my uncle in law would be like, you're fed ain'tcha? You got clothes on your back right? You go to school? Well then. That's love.

 

[Mo-Better]

Hey let's not forget guidance, compassion, forgiveness and understanding. A child that grows up without these things is lost.

 

[dHustla]

Hey let's not forget guidance, compassion, forgiveness and understanding. A child that grows up without these things is lost.

Mo, bless you for seeing where I'm coming from, brotha.

 

[dHustla]

So lost.... they continue to lose.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Hey let's not forget guidance, compassion, forgiveness and understanding. A child that grows up without these things is lost.

The whole total package in my view. I actually value being there in your child's day to day life.

Total Package. Includes that.

 

[followup]

So if someone grew up with all but the bolded, the adult in the house didn't raise them?

not arguing, just askin

No they did not raise the child. All animals need love. Babies who are born healthy but are not hugged or shown love get sick more and may even die earlier. Everything I typed is important for all children to have and you are doing a shitty job if you do not give them to your kids.

EDIT: why do you think bullies are the way that they are? Why do you think so many children from the 80s are screwed up? Because their parents were working so much and so hard and forgot to do some of the little things. Money and material things are not a sign that you are doing a good job raising your children.

 

[melonpecan]

You don't have to live with a child to raise them.


Raising them is basically teaching them manners, values, about life. If you have to ingrain in your child a yes or no situation, or teach them a skill or fact on a regular basis then you are raising your child.



Example?

Teaching them to potty train
Going over homework
Teaching them when to say excuse me
Knowing when to share
All the fundamentals of life, etc.

 

[Mo-Better]

Total Package. Includes that.

I only mentioned them because some don't get it.

 

[Mo-Better]

Total Package. Includes that.

I only mentioned them because some simply don't know.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Got it. My bad Chad.

 

[dHustla]

Interesting, but the thing you'd have to ask is, love according to whom? People show love differently. People acknowledge love differently. Hell my uncle in law would be like, you're fed ain'tcha? You got clothes on your back right? You go to school? Well then. That's love.

You're so right, people do show love differently.

Some have a selfish kind of love. Love that doesn't come from the heart, but the conscience, or the sense that they will get something in return.
Can this really be called love?

Many people provide for children for their own selfish reasons. This does not equate to love.
How many of us know of men or women that provide their children with name brand clothes to compensate for their own insecurities?
How many of us have been giving something merely because the benefactor had no use for it anymore? Or because it had no value to them any longer?
How many of us have seen others extend a helping hand only as a last resort to the needy?

Oftentimes, people make the best of the situation because they are very grateful, and, in doing so, fail to see the larger picture and the part they play in it.

It's hard for me to believe that someone shitting on me is love because its keeping me warm.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I'm just saying to them it is. For instance, i had a discussion about Joe Jackson and how he treated Michael and the other kids. Alot of people villified him, saying he didn't love them. There was a post about some play with Denzel where he said to his son he doesn't have to love him or like him. That's not how EYE feel it should be. But it makes sense from how THEY see it. They don't know how to show love, but they do their job. Their job is to provide and do other things for you to make sure you grow.

Maybe they didn't hug you, tell you they love you enough. But in their way they did say it every day. It may not be what you/we needed. But it was the best they could do at the time. Like i told someone the other day when i gave birth to my kids they didn't come with instruction manuals attached to their toes.

 

[dHustla]

I'm just saying to them it is. For instance, i had a discussion about Joe Jackson and how he treated Michael and the other kids. Alot of people villified him, saying he didn't love them. There was a post about some play with Denzel where he said to his son he doesn't have to love him or like him. That's not how EYE feel it should be. But it makes sense from how THEY see it. They don't know how to show love, but they do their job. Their job is to provide and do other things for you to make sure you grow.

Maybe they didn't hug you, tell you they love you enough. But in their way they did say it every day. It may not be what you/we needed. But it was the best they could do at the time. Like i told someone the other day when i gave birth to my kids they didn't come with instruction manuals attached to their toes.

Point taken.

Can't find the word for how this makes me feel, but I'll settle for "resolved".

Now that I know, understand, and acknowledge this I can be more content while moving forward.


One last question:

When their best was not good enough because it was not what you/we needed, is it still a Faye L.?

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Point taken.

Can't find the word for how this makes me feel, but I'll settle for "resolved".

Now that I know, understand, and acknowledge this I can be more content while moving forward.


One last question:

When their best was not good enough because it was not what you/we needed, is it still a Faye L.?

You're not a parent. and i don't know if i can speak for all parents here on this part, but i will say this...it is HARD. It is so HARD raising kids. And man. WHEW.

Everything little thing you do, You have to worry about how it effects them. Everything you do. EVERYTHING. You have no idea the negative effects it will have on them. My wife and i were talking about this the other day, we've taken in a runaway so we're talking about our oldest daughter and what our hubb said about her. He was like nervous all the time as she was growing up about hugging her, loving up on her. He was scared that if he didn't show her enough love and attention she'd go looking for it from some bad guys. He was worried if he showed TOO much love and stuff she'd go looking for it as well. She's a scorpio they're kinda extreme. It's so hard to gauge accurately as a parent what's enough....

If you get this THIS toy what will it do tot hem. if you DON"T give them this toy what will it do to them. If you teach them this, what do ELSE do you have to teach them. Can you be ready for it when they ask? If you show them something, if they see something what are you supposed to do with how it effects them in the future?

Dude it's exhausting! lol

All you do is just, DO. Do what you can. Try to protect them enough, but then also know that you gotta throw them out into the rain and get soggy eventually. And hope. HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE. That whatever you did is enough. Maybe what you said was enough. Hope that what you taught them was enough.

As for accepting that's how things went with your parents? It took me awhile to kinda be like, "Ah oh well" with how my parents are. And honestly it probably wasn't until i had my last boy, that i fully was just, YEAH. Fuck'it. I'm gonna be alright. We're all going to be alright. My chest didn't hurt anymore from thinking about them. My eyes didn't burn anymore. I just came to accept that they were stupid human beings just like so many others who had kids. And this is just how life freaking happens sometimes, to some people.

Now lets just move on and TRY OUR BEST not to fuck up our own kids.