Positions Is Ariana Grande’s Most Theatrically Horny Album Yet
By
Rachel Handler@rachel_handler
It’s Judy Garland by way of Red Tube, or what might have happened had Julie Andrews loved to 69. Photo: YouTube
Positions, Ariana Grande’s sixth studio album, is yet another entry in a body of work that more often than not finds itself at the direct
intersection of grand theatricality and pure, enthusiastic horniness. The album is a fantastical fairytale journey into Ariana’s depraved mind, all lush violins, sparkling whistle tones, stacked harmonies, and novelistic descriptions of a quarantine that seems to have been spent primarily fucking. It’s Judy Garland by way of Red Tube, or what might have happened had Julie Andrews loved to 69. In between the lengthy paragraphs of erotic fanfiction about herself and her
realtor boyfriend, Ariana also sings movingly about her fear of letting go, of learning to love another person after her
cataclysmic couple of years. But she’s also funny as hell on
Positions: Ariana puns joyfully, pokes fun at her own image, sweetly asks a series of unidentified people to “shut up,” encourages a lover not to be afraid to run his hands through her famous fake ponytail, and plays fluidly with genre conventions, evoking Old Hollywood musicals one moment and going full
“Would You Mind”-era Janet Jackson the next.
For the most part, though,
Positions is a vehicle for Ariana to tell us about all of the fucking she accomplished during the pandemic while also managing to write an album about said fucking. The album is her kinky
King Lear, and perhaps her most theatrically horny work yet, which is really saying a lot for someone who once wrote the lyrics, “Let’s put them topics to bed and go fuck on the roof / Just to say that we did,” and went so far as to
corrupt Christmas itself. In honor of our most delightfully perverted pop star, I’ve ranked the songs on
Position by sheer, unadulterated horniness.
14. “Shut Up”
This song, rather chaste in comparison to its wildly erotic brethren, evokes the
Cinderella score if it were 56 percent bitchier. The sweet melody contrasts sharply with the message, which is that somebody (or several people) truly sucks. Ariana explains, quite casually, that “all these demons helped me see shit differently” and that, as a result, she is no longer going to take any shit. “How you be spendin’ your time? Why you so worried ‘bout mine?” she asks an unidentified person (and/or persons). She concludes by informing the song’s subject, “You know you sound so dumb / So maybe you should shut up.” It should go without saying that absolutely nobody fucks in this song.
13. “Safety Net” ft. Ty Dolla $ign
“Safety Net” is a song about Ariana’s fear of falling in love, specifically with a realtor whose name is Dalton (I am editorializing slightly). “I’ve never been this scared before / Feelings I just can’t ignore / Don’t know if I should fight or fly / But I don’t mind,” she sings, with
sex whisperer himself, Ty Dolla $ign, providing enthusiastic backup as the realtor named Dalton with whom she is falling in love (editorializing again here). “Is it real this time, or is it in my head?” Ariana wonders, perhaps referencing her previous song,
“In My Head,” which was about how Pete Davidson had Gucci tennis shoes and that should have been a red flag. “Tripping, falling, with no safety net.” This song is horny if you find the concept of tripping and falling without a safety net to be erotic in nature.
12. “Off the Table” ft. The Weeknd
Though this song features
the two horniest artists on god’s Earth, it is suspiciously non-horny. The slow, liquid beat suggests horniness — nay, invites it — but instead of equally sensual lyrics, we get a deep, meandering series of questions from Ariana and The Weeknd about a fledgling relationship. Ariana explains that she’s still “not quite yet healed or ready, shouldn’t be going too steady,” but still wants to know of a new hookup: “Is love completely off the table? / Will you be there?” The Weeknd answers in the affirmative: “I’ll wait for you / Even though it always feels like I’ll be No. 2 to someone you can’t hold anymore / You tried to fill the void with a couple boys / I see right through it.” That last part is kinda horny.
11. “POV”
One of the gentler, more earnest songs on the album, “POV” is about Ariana wishing to see herself through the eyes of her lover. “I wanna love me / The way that you love me / For all of my pretty / And all of my ugly, too / I love to see me from your point of view.” However, she does indeed allow herself to express a subtler, quieter, more romantic sort of horniness. “It’s like you got superpowers, turn my minutes into hours,” she sings. “How you touch my soul from the outside?” Even in power ballad mode, Ariana truly cannot help herself.
10. “Just Like Magic”
In this song, perhaps my favorite on the album, Ariana is horny, but only for herself. The song is a trippy enumeration of the ways in which she rules: “Just like magic / I’m attractive / I get everything I want cuz I attract it,” she sings gleefully. “Carve out my aesthetic / Keep my conscience clear / That’s why I’m so magnetic.” As a bonus, we also get a glimpse at Ariana’s daily schedule, which is
akin to Princess Margaret’s: “Wake up in my bed / I just wanna have a good day / 12 o’clock I got a team meeting / Then a meditation at like 1:30 / Then I ride to the studio / Listening to some shit I wrote.” Later that same day, she looks at her phone, admonishes herself, then “reads a fuckin’ book.” At one point, she sings, “Middle finger to my thumb and then I snap it,” which my brain, addled with Grande erotica, misheard at least four times as “little finger to my bum,” but that’s another story for another horny day.
9. “Motive” ft. Doja Cat
There is no explicit sex-having in this song; it functions instead as a sort of mental exercise, wherein Ariana and Doja Cat ponder what conditions would have to be in place if there were, in fact, sex to be had. “Tell me why I get this feeling / That you really wanna turn me on?” asks Ariana off the bat, perhaps rhetorically, considering she spends the duration of the album explicitly turned on. The rest of the song is about that thing where you want to do it with someone, but first you need to suss out their vibe. “I admit it’s exciting / Parts of me kinda like it / But before I lead you on / Can you tell me what’s your motive?” she wonders. The album’s subsequent contents demonstrate that this person’s motive was pure enough to make it to the next stage (sex).
8. “West Side”
The simmering horniness on “West Side” is incidental to the fact that Ariana announces she is ready to get wifed up. “Just let me be in your life like that / Be your wife like that / Bring the light right back,” she sings in this song, which is about meeting up on the West Side (of Los Angeles? Where she resides?) to do it ad infinitum and with the legal blessing of the government of the United States. “I’m gonna make you want more / I’m gonna be your new favorite,” Ariana explains confidently. “If it ain’t your touch / It’s better every time we chill / You ain’t gotta bring no stuff / We got all we need right here.” (Sex.)
7. “Six Thirty”
In this song, Ariana shatters established language norms and creates a new metaphor paradigm, comparing a person to a very specific hour of the day as represented on a clock. “I just wonder, baby, if you’re gonna stay / Just want to ask you directly / Boy, let me know if you’re ready / Are you down / Down like 6:30?” For those still confused, I think there are two things happening here. One is that at the hour of 6:30, a clock’s hands point downwards. Ariana also explains that 6:30 is the hour of the sunset, during which the sun goes down. In other words, Ariana wants to know, is this man going to be down for Ariana in the same way that the sun goes down, specifically at the hour of 6:30? (In this extended metaphor, it must be autumn in Ariana’s native Los Angeles, which is the only time when the sun goes down that early.) Anyway. The song sits comfortably at the midway point on the theatrically horny scale; at one point, Ariana sings, “I know you love how I whip it / You can only stay mad for a minute / So come here and give me some kisses / You know that I’m very delicious.”
6. “My Hair”
“My Hair” is a witty, clever little ditty about reassuring an uneasy lover that it is, indeed, okay to touch Ariana Grande’s almost frighteningly giant ponytail. It’s also a classic horny bait-and-switch, kicking off like a sexy, swingy, ‘70s-esque doo wop about fuckin’. “I’m gonna give you some instructions that you can’t be scared to try / I want you to touch it softly, like the way you do my mind,” Ariana begins. “It’s got body and it’s smooth to touch the same way as my skin / So don’t be scared / To run your hands through my…hair.” The song is both a self-own (Ariana knows her hair is vaguely insane) and a flex (Ariana does not care that her hair is vaguely insane). “It’s been way long overdue / Usually don’t let people touch it / but tonight you get a pass,” she trills, hilariously. “Spend my dimes and spend my time to keep it real / Sometimes it’s tracks / But I don’t care / So run your hands through my hair.”
5. “Obvious”
On “Obvious,” Ariana reassures her man that she is going to want to give it to him for the rest of his natural life. “I like the taste of you in the morning / Keep me warm and nothing else, nothing more important,” she begins. “I love the thought of us in the evening / Crave the feeling.” Later, she explains that it’s “hard to think when I’m under you / Tell you all of my dirty truths / No shit, got me right where you want me, baby / Could I be more obvious?” We also get a brief glimpse into her workout routine, which sounds tiring when also considering the rest of the physical activity that comprises her day: “Getting steps up on the treadmill while you’re sleeping.”
4. “Love Language”
This song is a horny sneak attack. At first, Ariana expounds on the ways in which she and her partner share the same “love language.” “You hold it down with every word you speak / Been a minute since I had something so sweet,” she sings. “If you’re gonna speak my love language / You could talk shit all night.” Then we get to the bridge. “Baby pardon my French / But could you speak in tongues?” asks Ariana cheekily. She then unleashes perhaps the most theatrically horny lyric in a career absolutely chock full of them: “Treat it just like Givenchy / It’s expensive to taste / Ain’t no need to remind you / It’s AG in your face.” I love this unhinged horny bitch!!!!
3. “Positions”
The album’s first and titular single, “Positions” is about how Ariana wants to “switch positions” for her man, both in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom, where she is, inexplicably,
president of the United States. The entire schematic of the song dictates that it must be theatrically horny. The lyrics are indicative of a burning lust that simply will not quit, even on the worst day of the week (though for Ariana, it seems like Mondays are rather open). “Boy, I’m tryna meet your mama on a Sunday / Then make a lotta love on a Monday,” she sings. She then indicates a joyful willingness to try anything, both recipe-wise and sexually. “Switchin’ the positions for you / Cookin’ in the kitchen and I’m in the bedroom / Nothin’ I wouldn’t do / Switchin’ for you.”
2. “34+35”
This song, the title of which Ariana helpfully explains “means I wanna 69 with ya, no shit,” is not so much horny as it is an explicit sexual manual complete with graphic diagrams. “You might think I’m crazy / The way I’ve been craving / If I put it quite plainly / Just give me them babies,” Ariana begins, rather auspiciously. She continues with an even more straightforward request: “Can you stay up all night? / Fuck me ‘til the daylight? / 34 35?” In case there was any confusion about the timing of this carnal marathon, Ariana explains that they will “start at midnight,” then “go til the sunrise,” where they will then be “done at the same time.” She goes on to extoll the ways in which she has been prepping for this seven-plus hour sextravaganza: “I’ve been drinking coffee / I’ve been eating healthy / You know I keep it squeaky / Saving up my energy.” Later, she assures her likely exhausted lover that, “Even though I’m worth it, you can hit it like a side chick / Don’t need no side dick.”
1. “Nasty”
If “34 +35” is getting a bunch of teens grounded, “Nasty” is getting us all arrested. And Ariana knows it. She enters the track cackling. “I feel like this is gonna make me….” she trails off. (Imprisoned?) “I just wanna make time for you / Swear it’s just right for you / Like this pussy designed for you,” she sings calmly, explaining that she wants to get railed six ways to Sunday and immediately, at that: “Don’t wanna wait on it / Tonight I want to get nasty / What you waiting for?” Should her lover be at all confused about what, exactly, is on the menu vis a vis getting nasty, she gets into more detail: “Promise Imma give it to you like you never had it / I do it so good it’s gonna be hard to break the habit / You’re like a whole constellation / Swimming like you’re on vacation.” Ariana, growing increasingly impatient, then asks her sexual conquest to “get the homies” out of the house so that her “body can say something.” In other words, she is not here to play. She is here to bone, and theatrically.
The almighty chitlin real men never really get enough of. Ever.
