Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins

[Gemini]

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=2277&pageid=1

Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins

If there's one thing Stan Lee knew, it was how to create cool, interesting characters that would last for decades and become classic superheroes. And that's a relief, since it's arguable this is in fact the only thing Stan Lee knew, judging by the nonsensical origin stories of some of Marvel Comics' most beloved characters. Whether blasting off to Mars, getting bombarded with radiation or simply watching their families die and vowing to fight crime in a leotard afterwards, Marvel superheroes' career-starting legends all share a unifying trait: they don't actually make an ounce of fucking sense.

1) The Fantastic Four

2) The Punisher

3) The Hulk

4) Captain America

5) The X-Men


Spider-Man

 

[Lady-Wiz]

gotta admit some of these make since

@ the bullet-ridden remains of his family technically counted as litter

 

[Gemini]

The Punisher

A Second Possibility: Furious that his family's murder has gone unpunished, Frank paints a white skull on some body armor, walks out onto the street holding guns, and shoots the first criminals he sees. He is promptly apprehended and incarcerated for murder, as his attention-grabbing costuming choice made him fairly easy to spot during his post-shooting spree getaway. Frank Castle serves five consecutive life sentences without possibility for parole. He is briefly considered a vigilante hero during the Reagan era, when New York crime becomes a hot-button issue, but after Giuliani's term he fades into obscurity. He is currently interested in female pen pals looking for friendship ("...and then who knows?").

 

[Gemini]

Captain America

What Would Have Happened in Real Life: The super-soldier serum—an anabolic steroid cocktail brimming with various classified growth hormones not approved by the FDA—has immediate virilizing and hormonal side effects. They manage to atrophy his testicles, increase his cholesterol levels, give him acne all over his back and grow him a sexy pair of large, non-lactating breasts. While the shadowy government agency debates whether or not to allow a woman into the military, Steve responds to critical spikes in his testosterone levels by breaking free from his restraints, grabbing a nearby doctor and anally violating him while pounding fist-sized holes in the wall and demanding a protein shake. He is immediately shot full of tranquilizers and the super-soldier program is quietly shelved. Steve spends the rest of his life trying unsuccessfully to sue to the government. He is eventually paid a modest settlement just to shut him up. He opens a gym, enters a few power-lifting competitions, dates a waitress named Tracy and dies at 32 of liver failure.

The Nazis, meanwhile, with the absence of a credible superhero to combat Zombie Robot Hitler, swiftly conquer the world.

 

[Grand Hustle]

Captain America

What Would Have Happened in Real Life: The super-soldier serum—an anabolic steroid cocktail brimming with various classified growth hormones not approved by the FDA—has immediate virilizing and hormonal side effects. They manage to atrophy his testicles, increase his cholesterol levels, give him acne all over his back and grow him a sexy pair of large, non-lactating breasts. While the shadowy government agency debates whether or not to allow a woman into the military, Steve responds to critical spikes in his testosterone levels by breaking free from his restraints, grabbing a nearby doctor and anally violating him while pounding fist-sized holes in the wall and demanding a protein shake. He is immediately shot full of tranquilizers and the super-soldier program is quietly shelved. Steve spends the rest of his life trying unsuccessfully to sue to the government. He is eventually paid a modest settlement just to shut him up. He opens a gym, enters a few power-lifting competitions, dates a waitress named Tracy and dies at 32 of liver failure.

The Nazis, meanwhile, with the absence of a credible superhero to combat Zombie Robot Hitler, swiftly conquer the world.

Either that or he would have broken Hank Aaron's home run records amidst controversey and choas... Bud Selig woulda been on that ass fa real

 

[SupYo]

I guess i'm the only one that thinks they make sense....in a 50% comic book world/ 50% real world.

Being bitten by a radio active spider....altering your genetics and giving you certain abilities? why not?

Being bombarded by radiation.......The Hulk. Why not? In a 100% real world, yes...you'd probably die, but who's to say there isn't a .00001 % chance that you don't die.

Being hit by a lightning and having electrical powers......why not?

The X Men are just mutants......which to me, is absolutely a possibility.

etc etc

I don't see how they don't make any sense.

No sense to me is if someone got bit by a radio active spider and.........turns into a lizard..........now THAT'S what i call "no sense"

 

[mk23666]

Honestly I think all super heroes are actually mutants who through various stimuli ended up activating their latent genetic mutations that made them become Homo Sapiens Superious.

 

[actinanass]

ahhh comic books are fake....

 

[ClevelandDawg216]

The Punisher

A Second Possibility: Furious that his family's murder has gone unpunished, Frank paints a white skull on some body armor, walks out onto the street holding guns, and shoots the first criminals he sees. He is promptly apprehended and incarcerated for murder, as his attention-grabbing costuming choice made him fairly easy to spot during his post-shooting spree getaway. Frank Castle serves five consecutive life sentences without possibility for parole. He is briefly considered a vigilante hero during the Reagan era, when New York crime becomes a hot-button issue, but after Giuliani's term he fades into obscurity. He is currently interested in female pen pals looking for friendship ("...and then who knows?").

Hold the fuck up

Punisher was one of my favorite comics growing up, so I'll hear none of this blasphemy.

good post

 

[smokedacane]

five star post

 

[adotboogie]

muthafucka's really got toooooo much time on their hands...crazy post

 

[AMENTA]

Hold the fuck up

Punisher was one of my favorite comics growing up, so I'll hear none of this blasphemy.

good post

out of all these superheroes, the punisher is the most realistic. but i am still a hulk fan. and i still want to see red hulk.

 

[glueguy]

Either that or he would have broken Hank Aaron's home run records amidst controversey and choas... Bud Selig woulda been on that ass fa real

you must have forget that Captain America is white. Bud Selig would not have done shit. know if black panther wold have broke the record, then it would have been a different story.

 

[Gemini]

The Punisher

What Would Have Happened in Real Life: Frank engages in a costly lawsuit with the city of New York, hoping to net $15 million for their negligence in failing to prevent mobster gunplay in public recreation areas. The city eventually wins the case on a technicality, since Frank had been picnicking in a non-sanctioned picnic area, and the bullet-ridden remains of his family technically counted as litter.

A Second Possibility: Furious that his family's murder has gone unpunished, Frank paints a white skull on some body armor, walks out onto the street holding guns, and shoots the first criminals he sees. He is promptly apprehended and incarcerated for murder, as his attention-grabbing costuming choice made him fairly easy to spot during his post-shooting spree getaway.
Frank Castle serves five consecutive life sentences without possibility for parole. He is briefly considered a vigilante hero during the Reagan era, when New York crime becomes a hot-button issue, but after Giuliani's term he fades into obscurity. He is currently interested in female pen pals looking for friendship ("...and then who knows?").

 

[knightmelodic]

Man, I thought that shit was real. Damn. Thanks for opening my eyes. I wondered why I could never find The Daily Bugle at the newsstand.