~I Thought I Had A Good Woman~She aint shit either..what would you do?

[Born]

Im in a situation right now and I just need some feedback.What would you do? What would you think?

Here is the story.
I been with my girl for a few years and I love her. We had our good times and our bad times but right now for me this is our darkest time. Last year we found out that she was pregnant, everything was good, we was both happy. We been through this before and we had a miscarriage a few years back.
Even with the good news I was going through some bad times because my mother was battling cancer. I had to take some time off from working to take care of them both of them. Running back and forth from Queens NY to Paterson NJ by Public transportation. As my mother was progressing and in rehabilitation. I was able to go back to work which I eventually loss because I was missing too many days. So im on my grind trying to find a new job, going crazy because nobodys hiring. My girl is upset that im not sitting up under her 24/7 but at the same time complaining and worrying about money.
By the way the twins that she is having with me aint her only child but its mine. Im grinding to try to take care of that one too. She was so upset that I was not under all day that she wanted to hurt me.
Long story short my twins due date was March 24th, she told me on March 15th that she had a miscarriage almost 3 months prior and didnt tell me so I can be hurt but her way of trying to hurt me was that she wasnt gonna tell me and was just gonna up and leave town.
So I went from thinking any day now that I was gonna be a father for the first time to to learning my babies died months ago. Now Im tripping.
Need Advice....Peace

 

[dbluesun]

damn man,,sorry for your situation,,this may sound like a cliche,,,but things will turn around,,,keep your head up and rely on your higher power

 

[LeroyDibiase]

Yeah man, you definitely should dump her she ain't shit.

It's not like she might be suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome from a miscarriage. Nah, she definitely playing games with you.

C'mon bruh, not everything a woman does is nefarious.

But it sounds like both you and her need to fix yourselves.

 

[bigreg2007]

Bruh...the SHIT she pulled is absolutely unexcuseable[sp?] Not telling you, leading you on and such just to hurt you is some straight bullshit. I mad for you my nigga this some bullshit.

How did she expect your relationship to get through THIS? What, are supposed to chalk it up to "she was mad so she did this BUT we are strong and WE can get through this"??

Man I'm sure you love her...hell..you have to had love for her for showing enough restraint not to punch that broad square in the mouth for fucking with your emotions like that. But this this right her man I dunno know if I'd even want to be involved with a chick that would resort to such tactics. What happens next time she wants to "hurt your feelings"??

Having you first child is a beautiful thing...trust me...I'm a 270lb 6ft4 no emotion showing intimidating ass nukka to most BUT when my girl told me that we were having a child I went to the bathroom, locked it, and cried like a baby real spit.

NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO PLAY WITH THAT...THE END.

Good luck to you.

 

[mcguyver]

Im in a situation right now and I just need some feedback.What would you do? What would you think?

Here is the story.
I been with my girl for a few years and I love her. We had our good times and our bad times but right now for me this is our darkest time. Last year we found out that she was pregnant, everything was good, we was both happy. We been through this before and we had a miscarriage a few years back.
Even with the good news I was going through some bad times because my mother was battling cancer. I had to take some time off from working to take care of them both of them. Running back and forth from Queens NY to Paterson NJ by Public transportation. As my mother was progressing and in rehabilitation. I was able to go back to work which I eventually loss because I was missing too many days. So im on my grind trying to find a new job, going crazy because nobodys hiring. My girl is upset that im not sitting up under her 24/7 but at the same time complaining and worrying about money.
By the way the twins that she is having with me aint her only child but its mine. Im grinding to try to take care of that one too. She was so upset that I was not under all day that she wanted to hurt me.
Long story short my twins due date was March 24th, she told me on March 15th that she had a miscarriage almost 3 months prior and didnt tell me so I can be hurt but her way of trying to hurt me was that she wasnt gonna tell me and was just gonna up and leave town.
So I went from thinking any day now that I was gonna be a father for the first time to to learning my babies died months ago. Now Im tripping.
Need Advice....Peace

Clear up those 2 statements for me brah.

 

[Crown&Coke]

Clear up those 2 statements for me brah.

I think he meant she had previous children but this would be his first.​

 

[Mo-Better]

First you need to demand an explanation from her. There's no way she should be withholding that type of information from you. On this matter alone she's wrong on a multitude of levels.

It's obvious you love her from your numerous references to "we." She on the other hand may not be on the same emotional level as you. You need to find this out. A miscarriage can be devastating to have two then the second being with twins is nothing less than brutal.

Ask her why? What was her reasoning for not saying anything this needs to be heard. She may very well be a good woman but the two of you need to have a serious talk. Don't give up on her until you have all the answers and your satisfied with those answers.

Good luck.

 

[jucurious]

Yeah man, you definitely should dump her she ain't shit.

It's not like she might be suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome from a miscarriage. Nah, she definitely playing games with you.

C'mon bruh, not everything a woman does is nefarious.

But it sounds like both you and her need to fix yourselves.

co-sign


hmmm do you know how COMMON it is for a expecting mother who miscarried to NOT tell her spouse or family? They are in shock, depressed, sometimes embarrassed, it could be self-blame, to have something growing in you for so long and then not feel it move anymore or to be told you miscarried is heartbreaking and can be detrimental to that person.

it's not like it was the first time she lost a child...and this time she lost TWO. Yes I understand that YALL lost two but she lost THREE, I hope you get the point.

Anyway...yall were in a highly stressed situation
-she was preggers w/ twins (she could also be extra stressed about this b/c of her previous loss)
-your mom was sick
-you were stressed bout mom and future kids (that can also stress her)
-money issues


I'm not tryna come in and take up for her but I'm just be real with you b/c some people REALLY don't understand how psychologically devastating the situation can be, especially to go through it twice.

It aint like u caught her fuckin and suckin other people. She was going to tell you and leave town, that doesn't sound like she was trying to hurt you, that sounds like bad coping mechanisms cuz she can't look u in the face no more cuz yall twins have passed.

So before you throw around the "she aint shit card" just think for a second.

I know your hurt, and you have the right to be but don't get caught up in talking to people who don't have knowledge of dealing with miscarriages. Sounds like yall had something special and I hope yall heal together.

Good luck

 

[Born]

co-sign


hmmm do you know how COMMON it is for a expecting mother who miscarried to NOT tell her spouse or family? They are in shock, depressed, sometimes embarrassed, it could be self-blame, to have something growing in you for so long and then not feel it move anymore or to be told you miscarried is heartbreaking and can be detrimental to that person.

it's not like it was the first time she lost a child...and this time she lost TWO. Yes I understand that YALL lost two but she lost THREE, I hope you get the point.

Anyway...yall were in a highly stressed situation
-she was preggers w/ twins (she could also be extra stressed about this b/c of her previous loss)
-your mom was sick
-you were stressed bout mom and future kids (that can also stress her)
-money issues


I'm not tryna come in and take up for her but I'm just be real with you b/c some people REALLY don't understand how psychologically devastating the situation can be, especially to go through it twice.

It aint like u caught her fuckin and suckin other people. She was going to tell you and leave town, that doesn't sound like she was trying to hurt you, that sounds like bad coping mechanisms cuz she can't look u in the face no more cuz yall twins have passed.

So before you throw around the "she aint shit card" just think for a second.

I know your hurt, and you have the right to be but don't get caught up in talking to people who don't have knowledge of dealing with miscarriages. Sounds like yall had something special and I hope yall heal together.

Good luck

I totally hear what your saying but she told me she was "intentionally" trying to hurt me. The whole leaving town situation was about her leaving without telling me and have me going crazy searching and wondering where she is with my babies. Theres absolutely no excuse for that cause I dont deserve that. I didnt even blackout on her because the only thing on my mind is our loss.

I told her that I love her but I needed a moment to get my thoughts and feelings together but shes talking to me like the past is the past and theres nothing we can do about it so just move on from the shit, which I eventually gonna have to do and I told her we can get through it but then 5 minutes later I wanna spit in her face. Bottom line is that im a good dude and I dont deserve for somebody to admittedly set out to hurt me because they feeling some sort of way. Its not easy being loving to someone who was intentionally trying to fuck my life up. I do understand everything that your saying but
I dont deserve that under no circumstance.

 

[OnSlaught]

Sorry to hear this bro....

Take one from my book, leave the stress, pain and future headache behind. I know you're caring for her child like it's yours, but you can still maintain a relationship with the child but not have the mother in your life fully.

There's really no excuse to cause someone to go through that type of mind fuck when they are trying their hardest to take care of their mother and support her as well. Unless you did some shit that you aren't tellin' us. However, that's still coldhearted of her to do just 'cause you weren't spending time with her.

Leave the headache behind man, you won't regret it....

 

[LoneStar29]

I totally hear what your saying but she told me she was "intentionally" trying to hurt me. The whole leaving town situation was about her leaving without telling me and have me going crazy searching and wondering where she is with my babies. Theres absolutely no excuse for that cause I dont deserve that. I didnt even blackout on her because the only thing on my mind is our loss.

I told her that I love her but I needed a moment to get my thoughts and feelings together but shes talking to me like the past is the past and theres nothing we can do about it so just move on from the shit, which I eventually gonna have to do and I told her we can get through it but then 5 minutes later I wanna spit in her face. Bottom line is that im a good dude and I dont deserve for somebody to admittedly set out to hurt me because they feeling some sort of way. Its not easy being loving to someone who was intentionally trying to fuck my life up. I do understand everything that your saying but
I dont deserve that under no circumstance.

You're 100% right Born ... you didn't deserve that in any way

I know you love her but you should definately reevaluate being in a relationship with somebody that would try to purposely hurt you like that ... IMO that was some real hurtful, fucked up shit she did ... it aint right ... I mean she waited 3 months to tell you??? WTF

She really did that because you weren't with her all the time???

 

[Mo-Better]

I totally hear what your saying but she told me she was "intentionally" trying to hurt me. The whole leaving town situation was about her leaving without telling me and have me going crazy searching and wondering where she is with my babies. Theres absolutely no excuse for that cause I dont deserve that. I didnt even blackout on her because the only thing on my mind is our loss.

I told her that I love her but I needed a moment to get my thoughts and feelings together but shes talking to me like the past is the past and theres nothing we can do about it so just move on from the shit, which I eventually gonna have to do and I told her we can get through it but then 5 minutes later I wanna spit in her face. Bottom line is that im a good dude and I dont deserve for somebody to admittedly set out to hurt me because they feeling some sort of way. Its not easy being loving to someone who was intentionally trying to fuck my life up. I do understand everything that your saying but
I dont deserve that under no circumstance.

Having read this I have to agree.

 

[LeroyDibiase]

Like I said, I still think she needs grief counseling. People do crazy shit with PTS that may seem otherwise. It turns you into a different person. And this isn't her first miscarriage either. Black people shy away from counseling, but if she was a "good woman" that's something you might want to look into.

Or you can just quit and walk away.

 

[LoneStar29]

Like I said, I still think she needs grief counseling. People do crazy shit with PTS that may seem otherwise. It turns you into a different person. And this isn't her first miscarriage either. Black people shy away from counseling, but if she was a "good woman" that's something you might want to look into.

Or you can just quit and walk away.

Leroy brought up a really good point ... I never looked at it like that ... I think she needs to at least acknowledge what she did was fucked up though as opposed to being like "lets move on"

 

[LeroyDibiase]

I bring up great points always.

All it takes is opening your ears...and your mind.

 

[jucurious]

Like I said, I still think she needs grief counseling. People do crazy shit with PTS that may seem otherwise. It turns you into a different person. And this isn't her first miscarriage either. Black people shy away from counseling, but if she was a "good woman" that's something you might want to look into.

Or you can just quit and walk away.

again, i'm going to have to agree w/ LD on this one. I really hope both of you seek grief counseling.

Leroy brought up a really good point ... I never looked at it like that ... I think she needs to at least acknowledge what she did was fucked up though as opposed to being like "lets move on"

she can't acknowledge that cuz she is still (if at all) dealing w/ the multiple losses she has experienced.

you know how when a person seriously apologizes and it usually starts with "i was thinking about....and i realized..." well she aint no where near there yet...she needs help "thinking about" it and processing what happened.

 

[LeroyDibiase]

High five Ju.

 

[LeroyDibiase]

Like seriously, my nigga, do some reading up before you act in haste. She might just be subconsciously reaching out to you bruh.

Do some light reading:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-easy-to-read/index.shtml

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder

 

[LoneStar29]

I bring up great points always.

All it takes is opening your ears...and your mind.

"Always" is alot

 

[LeroyDibiase]

"Always" is alot

Perhaps. It's accurate though.

 

[OnSlaught]

Like seriously, my nigga, do some reading up before you act in haste. She might just be subconsciously reaching out to you bruh.

Do some light reading:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-easy-to-read/index.shtml

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder

I say he fold his hand on this one LD...

He can't play pop psychologist or psychiatrist for that matter. He can encourage her to go seek help, but he can do that while he's walking. I know it might sound cold but it will save him in the long run.

Believe me, I've dealt with my share of "damaged" women, and I'm talking about psychologically. Women get shitted on all the time, shit men too. However, it's not our jobs to get them to repair their damages, that's a self assessment she has to be willing to make.

She needs help, but I'm not sure if it is entirely healthy for either one of them to be around one another while she is getting help, unless they can totally forgive one another and move on.

 

[LeroyDibiase]

If she was fucked up before hand, I would agree, however, it's clear there was a traumatic event that set this into motion.

My asshole brethren, you are missing several key factoids: she's his girl and they've been together for years. This just ain't some random chick. And he loves her.

It's obvious he was going through stress and she was stressing too and that may, or may not, have played a factor into the miscarriage which set her into this downspiral. It's some downright coldblooded shit to leave broad you love and have been with for years because she may have some issues stemming from losing your children. I could understand if she caused the miscarriage by her own malfeasance.

Who knows? Maybe I'm just some doe-eyed fool for lurve.

 

[LoneStar29]

I gotta switch sides and C/S with LD on this one ... Ons that was hella cold

 

[LeroyDibiase]

I gotta switch sides and C/S with LD on this one ... Ons that was hella cold

Bandwagon ass nucca here.

Can't sit here.

 

[LoneStar29]

Bandwagon ass nucca here.

Can't sit here.

Damn it's like that??? But I just wanted to fit in with the "cool kids" that are "always" right

 

[BrownTurd]

Sometimes things are meant to be. You did all you could do and you should be proud of yourself. I am proud of you for attempting to handle your business and being a responsible adult. Now have you done everything correctly... of course not. Having children outside of wedlock is not cool. I am not going to preach to you but be careful with your semen.

Your girl dealt with the situation the best she knew how. Was it the right way to handle things...the answer is no. You were just presented with a major Red Flag! You have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth saving. Seems like their are some deep issues going on between the two of you. Granted you may not be fully aware of what those issues are or if they are any issues because she may be hiding things from you.

I am not going to say leave her because I know it is hard to just up and leave when you love someone. My advice is to start paying attention to the signs you are getting from this relationship. They are pretty clear. Moving on is looking like a really good option at this point.

But also remember losing a child is tough and emotional for a female. Are you sure she was planning to just up and leave?

 

[BrownTurd]

I totally hear what your saying but she told me she was "intentionally" trying to hurt me. The whole leaving town situation was about her leaving without telling me and have me going crazy searching and wondering where she is with my babies. Theres absolutely no excuse for that cause I dont deserve that. I didnt even blackout on her because the only thing on my mind is our loss.

I told her that I love her but I needed a moment to get my thoughts and feelings together but shes talking to me like the past is the past and theres nothing we can do about it so just move on from the shit, which I eventually gonna have to do and I told her we can get through it but then 5 minutes later I wanna spit in her face. Bottom line is that im a good dude and I dont deserve for somebody to admittedly set out to hurt me because they feeling some sort of way. Its not easy being loving to someone who was intentionally trying to fuck my life up. I do understand everything that your saying but
I dont deserve that under no circumstance.

At this point she is not hurting you. You are hurting yourself. Seems like she is not happy with you. It could be for several reasons. If you love her then allow her to be at piece and let her go. By all means you may be correct and she is the one at fault...but that is not your place to try and correct a doomed situation

 

[OnSlaught]

Bandwagon ass nucca here.

Can't sit here.

 

[LeroyDibiase]

Damn it's like that??? But I just wanted to fit in with the "cool kids" that are "always" right

Don't be an ass.

 

[Cleopatra_J]

How did she expect your relationship to get through THIS? What, are supposed to chalk it up to "she was mad so she did this BUT we are strong and WE can get through this"??

I totally hear what your saying but she told me she was "intentionally" trying to hurt me.

I told her that I love her but I needed a moment to get my thoughts and feelings together but shes talking to me like the past is the past and theres nothing we can do about it so just move on from the shit, which I eventually gonna have to do and I told her we can get through it but then 5 minutes later I wanna spit in her face.

WOW...

Everyone is saying she might have PTSD ... I disagree... IMO I think if she had PTSD other things would have occured.. she would have lapsed into a depressive state at some point, or other areas in her life would have lacked.. from the details he provided (which I'm sure is brief overview) she didn't change. In fact she continued life as if they were about to have the babies (which can be denial, but this is extreme and not the case since she said she INTENTIONALLY held back the info. Denial would have been thinking she was in labor and doing the whole"delivery".) If that were the case I'd say yes he needs to hold her hand through this.. but in his case, she took away his right to grieve. She was selfish and knew what she was doing...

but why is my question? Why did she want to intentionally hurt you? was it more than you not being there 24/7 & not having steady work?

I do think there is no bringing this relationship back to health after this...

 

[jucurious]

WOW...

Everyone is saying she might have PTSD ... I disagree... IMO I think if she had PTSD other things would have occured.. she would have lapsed into a depressive state at some point, or other areas in her life would have lacked.. from the details he provided (which I'm sure is brief overview) she didn't change. In fact she continued life as if they were about to have the babies (which can be denial, but this is extreme and not the case since she said she INTENTIONALLY held back the info. Denial would have been thinking she was in labor and doing the whole"delivery".) If that were the case I'd say yes he needs to hold her hand through this.. but in his case, she took away his right to grieve. She was selfish and knew what she was doing...

but why is my question? Why did she want to intentionally hurt you? was it more than you not being there 24/7 & not having steady work?

I do think there is no bringing this relationship back to health after this...

i'm not gonna post full a full diagnosis but what she could have doesn't have to be full blown PTSD, there can also be some sort of depression.

Also, he was also stressing, on the go and she was tripping about him not being there up under her so who knows if he noticed everything.

Lastly, they experienced a miscarriage a few years back...who knows if that was ever dealt with.

Sometimes people find it easier to make something huge so it will distract from the real issue...its a way of coping. That's man who doesn't want to be with his girl no more but doesn't want to tell her so he will cheat to get caught so...well u get it i hope.

We can all speculate but only they know what really went on cuz we are gettin 1 side, and an understandably hurt side at that.

Bottom line is both of yall need counseling, whether yall stay together or not is up to yall...I hope yall get it.

 

[bigreg2007]

Post Pardum....probaly? If so, conseling is definantly needed BUT she has to want to do it.

But what bothered me initially about the Borns post is that she went to the hospital in distress and refused to notify the person who is supposed to be important to her.

How many of you women/men would go to the hospital under "emergency" circumstances and NOT tell/call your significant other on the way!?!? This right here is totally selfish and irresponsible of her and anyone who would do such a thing.

 

[qseal00]

Ima be real.

It is totally possible that this chick is just wired wrong, or mentally ill, whether it be due to the miscarriages, or some other outside effect, recent or in the past. With that being said, dude has to burn his own path from here on out.

If you're going through your mother's crisis, your own crisis due to losing your job because of the previous crisis, plus stressing about the woman you love not only being preggers with your child(ren), but flipping out on you at the same time, THAT'S HELL. It's only so much a man can take before he breaks, and from his overview (if he didn't leave out any damning info) it shows that he was dealing with it as best he can.

Now, for a woman to miscarriage and not tell you, and THEN declare that she was trying to INTENTIONALLY hurt him by witholding the info, PLUS she was planning to leave town without telling him, she either has mental problems that "Love" won't be able to heal alone, or she happens to be one of the many low down women on this planet.

Either way, dude has to shoot deuces and heal himself before he can play Dr. Phil and try to heal anyone else, including this "good woman" who may/may not have just flipped her crazy switch.

Personally, I don't think she's crazy, but I don't have enough info to make even the worst of educated guesses of whether she is or not.

 

[HoneyDip]

I think thats rude of her and u should move on with ur life... You'll find a good woman but she obviously wasnt the right one... Dont stress urself out though

 

[P.L.]

, damn man i feel sorry for u. Women do change when they are pregnant and they do things they don't normally do, so u have to make that call. Would she possibly do anything like this if she wasn't pregnant. How's her character?