Ayo whattup…you now back in the presence of the one n only grand imperial Hands Of Zeus aka the illustrious Thor Molecules aka the mighty Cocaine Biceps…otherwise known as Shampoo Bracelets the panty melter…also known as the one n only Galaxy Knuckles or Broccoli Bundles the almighty… Yall might also kno me as ya boy Big Ghost aka Volcano Hands the inventor of slaps… Otherwise you might kno me as Phantom Raviolis or the grand immaculate Spartacus Deluxe. I kno what yall prolly thinkin…THIS NIGGA DONE CAME UP…HE HOLLYWOOD…LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRAVAGANTISM B…OH MY GAWD. I feel you my nigga….I sense theres animosity n whatever whatever. I done started from the bottom n now Im here…straight up n down. I aint ashamed bout none of that. Im gettin this cake n Imma still be givin yall the raw uncut while I enjoy this luxurious splendor. Jus lemme flourish tho. Anyways yo….we aint here for all that so the gawd gon cut the introductions short so we can get this shit on n pippin.
Aight so once again we here to discuss the latest release from a dude who prolly gon need no introductions but Imma introduce him anyways namsayin…Yall might knohim as that owl-obsessed Aaliyah stan from the great white north wit the exotic budgie tat n the wild flamboyant hand gestures that makes bout 63 questionable facial expressions per minute while hoppin around on stage in a tank top who installed a a showerhead that sprays lavender scents into the air n a stripper pole in his crib n calls hisself Champagne Papi– but yo…hol up son… I mean only in this fake ass industry can you go from bein a silver spoon swallowin jewgro witta blend of melted butter n warm Ovaltine flowin thru ya bloodstream playin a paraplegic lame on a corny teen soap opera to becomin besties witta fake Blood who looks like a cross between a gremlin, a cabbage patch doll n a chupacabra n call yaself Champagne Papi n still be crazy respected by ya peers b… We talmbout a dude who done made songs so moist they could tenderize a steak if you left it in front of the speaker… Songs that could hydrate ya skin n cleanse ya pores n shit… Songs that could make swans appear at ya doorstep… Shit that could pasteurize milk. But yall guessed it…its the AJ Soprano of rap hisself…the 2013 Chandler Bing…the Human Rollerblade…Drizzy Drake.
I aint gon lie b…I aint what yall might call a “Drake fan” n shit. Matter fact most yall muthafuckas be like WORD YOU A DRAKE HATER B…which aint true. I actually appreciate a lot of what this beige muthafucka done accomplished in his career. I mean aint like I was a fan of ALL that shit but there was definitely joints that I was feelin since back in the Room For Improvement/Comeback Season era namsayin. Son wasnt whylin on some all the way corny shit back then tho. On the other hand he wasnt exactly what you might refer to as a nigga you take too seriously neither. He kept it straight lightskinned n on some boy next door type shit n whatever. He was a “safe” nigga. He seemed like the type of dude who actually knew what the fuck a backgammon board was for n shit. Son seemed like he done got busy witta pottery wheel at least a few times in his life before…shit like that. He seemed like a dude who would kno the difference between a dinner fork n a salad fork n might gon chuckle if he seen you usin the wrong one or some shit…the kinda dude who had hedgehogs or some other kinda exotic rodents growin up instead of a dog nahmean. He seemed like the type of nigga who favorite hood flicks was Set It Off n Jason’s Lyric. Like he might coulda been the type to somersault down a hill laughin or make a short film of a plastic bag blowin round in the wind n have his friends come thru the crib to watch it n make smores n shit like that…the type of dude Alfonso Ribeiro would play on a tv show n shit.
After So Far Gone dropped tho…it was over b. The success of that shit jus opened the floodgates to a world dominated by dudes who never had male role models growin up n females that insisted on puttin the fakest n corniest niggas on the planet (I mean you Tyga) on a pedestal n worshippin em like Greek gods b. After that mixtape blew that was it…like the nigga Drizzy had found his purpose in life n was on some o.d. sucker shit for the next 4 years wit back to back stripper rescue mission anthems n audio manuals for dudes on how to excavate the least masculine traits outta they own personality. But it was a sign of the times g. DMX had fell way the fuck off…M.O.P. hadnt dropped any official albums in like NINE years n shit… Eminem was bout to use his Relapse album to prove that takin 5 years off in the rap game is like tryin to reheat a burger from last week… Dr Dre was too busy pretendin he was in the lab makin an album to actually make one…so on n so forth. The landscape in hip hop was changin namsayin… The year before that Kanye had got his heart broke into a million little tiny pieces by his fiancee n forgot how to make a rap album….so we got 808s & Heartbreaks instead. Which brings me to my point yo….If I had to pinpoint the actual origin of when exactly Drake had got bit by the radioactive butterfly that changed his life forever I would say it occurred the moment he heard track 8 from that album come pourin thru his Skullcandy earbuds.
No one song in the history of rap music ever influenced a niggas whole career the way that Kanye’s Street Lights affected ya boy Drizzy. Son must been mesmerized by that shit cuz his entire career path from that point on basically revolved around tryin to remake that Ye joint in as many different ways possible yo. But he took it a step further than that nigga Yeezy by bein on some wild insecure shit instead of jussa straight obnoxious douchebag genius witta broken heart. Niggas always been like NAW THAT NIGGA DRAKE JUS IN TOUCH WIT HIS FEMININE SIDE…HE HONEST…HE MAKE HONEST MUSIC N HE IN TOUCH WIT HIS FEMININE SIDE N HIS FEELINGS N ADMITS HE GOT FLAWS…HE HOLDIN IT DOWN FOR HONEST NIGGAS THATS IN TOUCH WIT THEY FEMININE SIDES N GOT FLAWS SON. But yo…from the beginning of rap its always been muthafuckas dreamin of havin shit that niggas round they way aint had. Even back in the “throw ya hands in the air n wave em like ya jus dont care” days. Best believe it was more than a handful of niggas in the BX wit names like Kool Luv Ski that was rockin Jordache jeans n Pro Keds talmbout YES YES YALL IM GETTIN CRAZY DUCATS HUH HUH HUH HUH… or I GOT ALL THE FRESH GIRLIES ON THE TIP… or 1, 2, 3 IN THE PLACE TO BE ITS THE SURE SHOT PARTY ROCKIN ONE WHO GOT THE FELLAS JOCKIN… That shit evolved over time into language that was a lot less corny n eventually niggas was jus compoundin all that shit into phrases like FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY. But the boy Drake put those thoughts thru his own filter n came wit some suckerfied shit. He put the sucka nigga spin on that. He translated that shit into Fuckboynese for you. He jus spoke to the inner sucka ass muthafucka in you n told it to come on out n join the movement. He seduced the inner sucka in you n told it LOOK…DONT EEM WORRY MMKAY? IMMA MAKE ALL THIS SUCKA ASS FUCKBOY SHIT HOT N YOU GON BE FREE TO ROAM THE EARTH N ALL THAT MY NIGGA AAAAWWWWWWW…. Word is bond this nigga had songs where he was sayin shit like I JUS WANNA BE SUCCESSFUL…I WANNA BE FAMOUS…I WANNA BE ABLE TO TELL NIGGAS WHO AINT BELIEVE IN ME HAHA I TOLD YOU SO…. I WANNA BE ABLE TO SWOOP IN ON ANOTHER NIGGA GIRL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHILE HE NOT AROUND N THROW DIRT ON HIS NAME JUS SO SHE WONT BE HAPPY WIT HIM NO MORE EVEN THO I BROKE UP WIT HER A YEAR AGO N SHE DONE MOVED ON WIT HER LIFE BUT I CANT STAND TO SEE HER HAPPY UNLESS SHE WIT ME EVEN THO I DONT WANNA BE WIT HER…n put a fucknigga spin on the whole thing. The whole Take Care album was like a Code of Hammurabi for dudes wit white iphones n females who hate rap. Take Care was a manifesto for the entire bitchmade nigga species. But I aint wanna get into all that. Yall already kno the whole repertoire…the boy Aubrey made it cool for grown men to openly admit all the lame thoughts that go runnin thru they head when they drunk n at they emotionally vulnerable-est n made it so niggas jus started to embrace those impulses while they sober n in a good mood too. To make shit worse you started seein more n more precum babies sproutin up all over the place like dandelions n sharin they own fairytales n fables of not havin no dignity or regard for mens fashion n shit like that.
1. Tuscan Leather – Aight so this shit starts out soundin like the music from a movie trailer for a quirky romantic comedy that got quirky white folk like Zooey Deschanel or muthafuckin somebody somebody Wilson or some shit in it exchangin witty dialog between theyselves while tryin to save whales n drink warm soy beverages or whatever cuz I never really actually seen none of them fuckin movies ever but thats jus what this shit reminds me of. Yall might be gettin the same vibes… But then you like oh hol up…its that Whitney Houston joint from The Bodyguard playin backwards n shit…like damn this nigga Drizzy tryin to ether hisself on track 1 or what? But nah he serious…n son aint singin or bringin none of that “do you mind if I suck ya toes for you?” shit he usually be bringin. Right out the gate he wanna let yall niggas kno you dealin witta whole different animal on this album. The Drake who could shoot lotion outta his wrists n spin a web aint show up on this track. Instead we got the Drake that likes to throw out warnings for anybody who be forgettin that when he not croonin a gentle ballad he also be spittin bars…n summa them shits can be dope. Only thing Ion get is why anytime Drizzy bring up Lil Wayne in a song he gotta talk bout somebody catchin a body in the next line…
“Im jus as famous as my mentor
But thats still the boss…dont get sent for
Get hype on tracks n jump in front of a bullet you wasn’t meant for
Cuz you dont really wanna hear me vent more
Hot temper…scary outcome…”
Whatever you say b… Personally I prefer when son eases up on all the tough talk cuz its jus hard to take that shit serious comin from a dude who wore a leotard to the VMAs last year bruh. Only time you really felt like the old Take Care Drake was tryin to pop back up on this track was when he mentioned that “even Ellen love our shit”. Yeah… the old Drake still alive n well b. But that aint the only shout out… Drizzy had to drop a quick Wu-Tang reference n mention that he be sippin Pora n listenin to Cappadonna… No disrespect but Ion even think people who actually kno Cappadonna personally be listenin to Cappadonna b. You whylin b.
2. Furthest Thing – Aight so apparently homie that was rappin on the last track jus tip toed out the room to let “Take Care Drake” take the wheel for a minute. This the nigga that fans his eyes when he cries spittin on this track…n what you expect him to do other than talk bout his imperfections while he simultaneously brags n takes shots at the imaginary chick he pourin his heart out to on this shit over some somber emo type music…. But a glorious thing happens bout 3 minutes in n the beat his boy 40 hooked up switches to some shit by the homie Jake One. Its almost like the beat jus slapped a hundred naked midgets wit valentines out the boy Drakes ass n helped him act like a man again. I still wasnt feelin all that melodramatic shit happenin on the first 2/3 of the track tho.
3. Started From the Bottom – I remember when this shit dropped back at the beginning of the year. Muthafuckas on twitter was talmbout EWWW THIS NEW DRAKE SONG TRASH BREHHH…so I decided maybe Id peep that namsayin. After I heard it I was like yo…no wonder his fans hate this shit….son really stepped his masculinity up without een breakin away from his regular formula which usually starts wit him either directin all the shit he sayin towards a chick he use to mess wit who dont fully appreciate herself or understand her own special secret powers or towards some random nigga who doubted him while mentionin all the dudes he came up wit who he be keepin warm under his wings. Next he usually name drops some cities he feel like he at home in even tho his hometown loves him… By this point he usually done said at least 5 things to make you doubt he actually got any male reproductive organs so he gotta balance it out wit some tough talk or some nasty vulgar shit to prove he still only human n got plenty flaws but he got enough dough to make those feelings go away n how when ya girl not answerin her phone its cuz he imaginarily flyin her to some romantic spot someplace thats outta ya budget so take that bruh. My reaction to this joint was basically yo…even tho he still sayin some hoe shit this gotta be the hardest I ever heard son spit without soundin like a delusional fuckin moron. Son really created a new flow on this shit too. And the beat yo? No wonder sons most loyal hardcore diehard fans hated this shit b…the shit barely got any melodies or nothin. Drizzy stans wanted the nigga who could make em cry til they get the hiccups…n this started from the bottom shit wasnt cuttin it b. His female fans hated it cuz like wtf is this shit a rap song or sumn?
4. Wu-Tang Forever – …n heres where we switch to son steppin back into his old comfort zone. I never fucked wit the concept of this record b. First of all…if you aint kno already… this shit uses the name of the second Wu album as its title…n it samples probably the hardest song on the album…n this shit is a ballad. That shit is like Michael Buble makin a song called Appetite For Destruction that samples Welcome To The Jungle or some shit…n the shit is a ballad. Word is accordin to the legendary U-God that the whole Clan jumpin on the remix too. I understand that niggas gotta make sacrifices to stay relevant or whaver…but its a reason why a lot of folks feel like the last 2 or 3 albums was wack…n its cuz they hardly ever on the same page these days b. So when Inspectah Deck tweeted out that he felt like the song was in no way a tribute to the Clan n it had no business bein called what its called n then like a hour later his boy U-God tellin a journalist that the whole Clan jumpin on the remix its hard to understand what these dudes is thinkin namsayin. Truth be told the song aint horrible or nothin but it damn sure aint what niggas is tryin to hear when they read this song title b.
5. Own It – Aight so now this nigga jus overdoin it… This is basically part 2 of ‘Wu-Tang Forever’ wit the same ‘Its Yourz’ sample except now he switched the “its yours” meaning from how the chick tellin him that all her good stuff belong to him to how he tellin the same broad that his heart is hers. Son I cant een listen to this shit. Only a dude who would walk into a McDonalds n ask for a salad wit lightly steamed carrots n a venti Sprite could make a song this light in the ass. Drake actin like a nigga who jus discovered Wu Tang for the first time in his life on this shit b… We only on track 5 n this nigga done based two whole songs round the same inspiration n shouted Cappadonna out on the intro to the album. Shit reminds me of when niggas got juxed for they luggage in Coming To America n Akeem tells Semmi “Let us dress like New Yorkers” n they come out the spot rockin the head to toe “I ♥ NY” shit. Naw fuckouttahere wit this shit…
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he did Cappa dirty
what the FUCK?!
