ok I just wanted to clear that up.
BGOL Parents: Question about Playdates and Sleep overs...
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ok I just wanted to clear that up.
my first wife was extremely paranoid on that subject. only kids from the family spent the night and our kids didn't spend the night anywhere.
Man..my son loves minecraft...look of the game is so basic...like it could have been something played on the NES
Play time is fine but sleep over's,noooo not my kid and I'm not keeping anyone else's willingly unless they are related to me and even than I may say no.
Kids these days are something else and most don't and can't respect authority and the word "stop".
To be on the safe side,keep your kids at home and I'll do the same,if they want to play with each other we'll meet you at the park,Dave&Busters,Put-Put gold,Chuckie cheeses.
Kids these days are something else and most don't and can't respect authority and the word "stop".
To be on the safe side,keep your kids at home and I'll do the same,if they want to play with each other we'll meet you at the park,Dave&Busters,Put-Put gold,Chuckie cheeses.
Play dates and sleep overs is this new kid shit that's just another of the differences in generations. When I was a shorty, my home boy was damn near raised at my crib, bc his mom worked weekend nights...so one more lil dude was no problem...we didn't ever go to anyone's crib.
Nowadays, these lil mofos never leave the crib..with us staying in was punishment. With today's kids, you have to force em outside, so they don't know anybody in their hood and the parents have to SCHEDULE time for them to play..smdh
My lady has 2 boys and them lil ninjas are soft as wet toilet paper. One is in high school and has almost never gone outta the house on his own...I gave up tryna help em..they stay in their room and play video games.
I thought this playdate ish was mostly in the burbs and kids in the city were out running wild like I was.
Nowadays, these lil mofos never leave the crib..with us staying in was punishment. With today's kids, you have to force em outside, so they don't know anybody in their hood and the parents have to SCHEDULE time for them to play..smdh
My lady has 2 boys and them lil ninjas are soft as wet toilet paper. One is in high school and has almost never gone outta the house on his own...I gave up tryna help em..they stay in their room and play video games.
I thought this playdate ish was mostly in the burbs and kids in the city were out running wild like I was.
So now I got a parent asking even if my girls CAN'T sleep over
can they come for the party and then leave?
I feel like its gonna be an even BIGGER deal if they then have to be taken away from the party
cause you KNOW their friends are going to WHINE and BEG for them to stay.
thoughts?
can they come for the party and then leave?
I feel like its gonna be an even BIGGER deal if they then have to be taken away from the party
cause you KNOW their friends are going to WHINE and BEG for them to stay.
thoughts?
Why We Don’t Let Our Children Do Sleepovers
Janel Mills
PHOTO_CONCEPTS / ISTOCK
I’m not a helicopter parent. I won’t even get up to get my kids a glass of water anymore (“Go get a drink from the bathroom sink! Mommy’s got candy that needs crushing!”). My parenting style pretty easy-going, and I would consider myself an open-minded optimist in general.
So it may surprise you to hear that we generally do not let our girls attend sleepovers.
When I say “generally,” this is what I mean: We do allow sleepovers with very specific people. We have a small circle of trusted family and friends who have allowed our girls to sleep at their houses overnight. These are people who we know extremely well, and they have proven to us over the years that they are trustworthy when it comes to caring for our girls. So, in this spirit, our girls are allowed to spend the night at their grandparents’ houses.
That’s it.
It hasn’t been an issue so far, since our children are so young. But as my oldest daughter grows up, it’s starting to become an issue. A few weeks ago, my third-grader excitedly informed my husband and me that she and The Madisons (Madison M. and Madison L.) had all decided that Madison M. would host a sleepover party! I told her that since we had never met Madison M.’s parents, a sleepover was out of the question. She was sad, but she took it like a champ. She did walk away slowly and sigh heavily at least three times, just to make sure that I was aware of how she felt about the situation.
When she met me at the door last Monday night with a birthday party invitation, begging me to say yes before I even opened the envelope, I knew I wasn’t getting off so easy this time. It was a sleepover party invitation from a girl I had never even heard mentioned before. So once again, I had to tell my daughter that while I was definitely open to dropping her off to enjoy the party for a few hours, I would be picking her up that evening.
She lost her shit.
She burst out crying immediately, and continued to sob over the next 30 minutes. I then received the silent treatment for the rest of the evening. My husband backed me up, to my daddy’s girl’s dismay. It was a rough evening for everyone.
Later that night, my husband and I talked about the sleepover problem again. We reaffirmed that we couldn’t let her go to a sleepover at the house of person whom we know nothing about. “Our job isn’t to make sure she has fun. Our job is to make sure she’s safe,” he said. “If something happened to her at that party, I would go to jail.” I agreed, because I love my daughter, but also because running this house takes two incomes, and I heard they only pay $0.50 per license plate at the state penitentiary.
That won’t even cover our Netflix bill.
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I’m not saying that my girls will never know the joy of waking up someone else’s parents at 2 a.m. from laughing too loudly while watching Grease and figuring out what the lyrics of “Greased Lightning” actually mean. What I’m saying is, at their current ages (under 13), I do not trust my children to be able to discern between appropriate and inappropriate adult (or teenage) behavior. Until I feel like they can, I don’t feel comfortable letting them sleep over at just any friend’s house.
I do realize that, statistically speaking, more children are abused or mistreated by family members than “strangers.” I am not saying that I would dump my kids on the doorstep of just any relative, ring the doorbell, and haul ass back home. What I’m saying is this: If you’re basically a stranger to me, except you happen to also have a kid the same age as my daughter and they know each other, I’m not going to let you care for my daughter overnight. Just as in any other aspect of parenting, it’s all about comfort level. I personally don’t feel comfortable, right now, letting my girls sleep anywhere other than our home and their grandparents’ homes. My gut says that those places are safe. If my gut can’t confirm what my head is trying to tell it, then I say no.
As it turned out, the parents hosting the sleepover seemed to be lovely people, who were completely understanding when I told them that my daughter wouldn’t be sleeping over. “That’s OK. Brooklyn isn’t comfortable sleeping over at other houses, either. Besides, Sophia’s parents are picking her up, too, so she won’t be the only one.”
Maybe I’ll be back someday to drop off my daughter for another playdate in the future. Maybe we’ll get to know these parents and their household a little better. Maybe, in the not-too-distant future, I’ll be back to drop off my teenage daughter for her first sleepover there. But right now, I’ll feel good picking her up after a few hours and tucking her into her own bed at night to watch Grease with her sisters.
And if I’m really lucky, my kid will be the one to explain the lyrics of the songs to her friends.
Janel Mills
PHOTO_CONCEPTS / ISTOCK
I’m not a helicopter parent. I won’t even get up to get my kids a glass of water anymore (“Go get a drink from the bathroom sink! Mommy’s got candy that needs crushing!”). My parenting style pretty easy-going, and I would consider myself an open-minded optimist in general.
So it may surprise you to hear that we generally do not let our girls attend sleepovers.
When I say “generally,” this is what I mean: We do allow sleepovers with very specific people. We have a small circle of trusted family and friends who have allowed our girls to sleep at their houses overnight. These are people who we know extremely well, and they have proven to us over the years that they are trustworthy when it comes to caring for our girls. So, in this spirit, our girls are allowed to spend the night at their grandparents’ houses.
That’s it.
It hasn’t been an issue so far, since our children are so young. But as my oldest daughter grows up, it’s starting to become an issue. A few weeks ago, my third-grader excitedly informed my husband and me that she and The Madisons (Madison M. and Madison L.) had all decided that Madison M. would host a sleepover party! I told her that since we had never met Madison M.’s parents, a sleepover was out of the question. She was sad, but she took it like a champ. She did walk away slowly and sigh heavily at least three times, just to make sure that I was aware of how she felt about the situation.
When she met me at the door last Monday night with a birthday party invitation, begging me to say yes before I even opened the envelope, I knew I wasn’t getting off so easy this time. It was a sleepover party invitation from a girl I had never even heard mentioned before. So once again, I had to tell my daughter that while I was definitely open to dropping her off to enjoy the party for a few hours, I would be picking her up that evening.
She lost her shit.
She burst out crying immediately, and continued to sob over the next 30 minutes. I then received the silent treatment for the rest of the evening. My husband backed me up, to my daddy’s girl’s dismay. It was a rough evening for everyone.
Later that night, my husband and I talked about the sleepover problem again. We reaffirmed that we couldn’t let her go to a sleepover at the house of person whom we know nothing about. “Our job isn’t to make sure she has fun. Our job is to make sure she’s safe,” he said. “If something happened to her at that party, I would go to jail.” I agreed, because I love my daughter, but also because running this house takes two incomes, and I heard they only pay $0.50 per license plate at the state penitentiary.
That won’t even cover our Netflix bill.
ADVERTISEMENT
This ad will end in 29
I’m not saying that my girls will never know the joy of waking up someone else’s parents at 2 a.m. from laughing too loudly while watching Grease and figuring out what the lyrics of “Greased Lightning” actually mean. What I’m saying is, at their current ages (under 13), I do not trust my children to be able to discern between appropriate and inappropriate adult (or teenage) behavior. Until I feel like they can, I don’t feel comfortable letting them sleep over at just any friend’s house.
I do realize that, statistically speaking, more children are abused or mistreated by family members than “strangers.” I am not saying that I would dump my kids on the doorstep of just any relative, ring the doorbell, and haul ass back home. What I’m saying is this: If you’re basically a stranger to me, except you happen to also have a kid the same age as my daughter and they know each other, I’m not going to let you care for my daughter overnight. Just as in any other aspect of parenting, it’s all about comfort level. I personally don’t feel comfortable, right now, letting my girls sleep anywhere other than our home and their grandparents’ homes. My gut says that those places are safe. If my gut can’t confirm what my head is trying to tell it, then I say no.
As it turned out, the parents hosting the sleepover seemed to be lovely people, who were completely understanding when I told them that my daughter wouldn’t be sleeping over. “That’s OK. Brooklyn isn’t comfortable sleeping over at other houses, either. Besides, Sophia’s parents are picking her up, too, so she won’t be the only one.”
Maybe I’ll be back someday to drop off my daughter for another playdate in the future. Maybe we’ll get to know these parents and their household a little better. Maybe, in the not-too-distant future, I’ll be back to drop off my teenage daughter for her first sleepover there. But right now, I’ll feel good picking her up after a few hours and tucking her into her own bed at night to watch Grease with her sisters.
And if I’m really lucky, my kid will be the one to explain the lyrics of the songs to her friends.
Sleepovers: Our rule + Exception Clause
BY MONICA 108 COMMENTS
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I am re-sharing one more post from my archives today! This one is from about exactly one year ago, so many of you have probably seen it before (I’ve also posted it on Facebook a few times.) I share it because it is summer, and the topic of sleepovers seems to come up a LOT this time of year! I do hope it stimulates some good conversation, or at least brings up a few things to consider.
I do plan to post some original writing here one of these days. What can I say–summer is busy! Thanks for your understanding…
******
7/2014: This week we celebrated Jonah’s thirteenth birthday by having a party with six extra boys sleeping over. There was a lot of noise, flying water, laughter, and–Man, do teenage boys eat! It was a super fun party though, and I’m glad we did it.
Sleepovers are not our norm however, and like many of you, we’ve wrestled with where we stand and how to handle the topic of sleepovers for our kids.
If you have kids, I’m sure you have faced (or will soon be facing,) the sleepover dilemma. Maybe it’s not a dilemma for everyone, but for many of us–it is.
Why?
Because most of us grew up doing sleepovers, and have great memories of the late nights, silliness and FUN of a good sleepover. (As a kid, I hardly went a weekend without being at a friends house or having a friend (or four) at mine.)
But we also know (and sadly, some reading this may have personally experienced) the fact that sleepovers can also be the setting for life-altering, traumatic experiences.
Sleepovers put kids in a position of facing a multitude of uncomfortable situations–from seemingly small things, like a late-night scary story that haunts them for weeks to come, (I remember a few of those to this day!) to the more extreme (but more common than I want to believe) stories of exposures to porn, child molestation, and so on.
It’s a fact: Our world has changed. Where evil has always been present, the availability to evil (hello–Pornography on cell phones) is a game changer.
Even with a family that you think you know and trust, during a sleepover there is greater potential for a family member or friend of the family to find their way into your child’s personal space and do damage that can last a lifetime. There are countless stories to prove that is a legitimate concern.
The potential harm in a simple sleepover is enormous.
But to be fair–The benefits of a sleepover done right, can also be great.
Is there some way to find the balance…to give your kids the experience and memories of what some consider a childhood rite-of-passage, without worrying that you are being irresponsible as a parent?
Well, I’m not sure if there is a guarantee to any of this, but here’s the story of how we’ve handled sleepovers in our family:
When my first boys were just little, I modeled much of my parenting after a respected friend who had four kids a little older than mine. My friend told me that they had a family “rule” of NO SLEEPOVERS. While I was visiting one day, her son’s friend was over, and invited her boy to come over and spend the night. Her son ran to mom and asked permission. She sweetly said, “Remember honey, our family doesn’t do sleepovers.” He nodded, smiled, and walked away. My friend turned to me and said “We have found that a “no sleepover” rule actually is a relief to our kids. They’re young (under ten If I remember right,) and they ask, but they really aren’t comfortable staying at a friend’s house yet.”
Not much later, I read James Dobson’s book Bringing up Boys, and I learned that Dobson was anti-sleepover. Here’s an excerpt from his book. (This excerpt is actually from his book “Bringing up Girls.”)
Sadly, the world has changed in the last few decades, and it is no longer a safe place for children. Pedophiles and child molesters are more pervasive than ever. That is why parents must be diligent to protect their kids every hour of the day and night. …
Until you have dealt with little victims as I have and seen the pain in their eyes, you might not fully appreciate the devastation inflicted by molestation. It casts a long shadow on everything that follows, including future marital relationships. Therefore, parents have to think the unthinkable in every situation. The threat can come from anywhere—including neighbors, uncles, stepfathers, grandfathers, Sunday school teachers, coaches, music instructors, Scout leaders, and babysitters. Even public bathrooms can be dangerous today…
My husband and I talked, and we decided, at least for the early years, that we would also adopt the “no sleepover” rule. It was quite easy, and just like my friend suggested, I think my boys appreciated the lack of pressure when a friend invited them over. The rule took away all of the need to negotiate with our kids, and explain to other families why we might let our boys stay at some homes and not others.
Once or twice when my husband worked a night shift, I had a friend spend the night WITH her little boys, and that worked out really well. It was more like a camping party than a real sleep over. (Danielle, from SometimesSweet, recently shared a post about her son’s first sleepover–very similar to these early ones.)
At some point, as our boys got a little older, we had a few situations come up where it really made sense to have them stay with a friend: Once Dave and I had the chance to get away for a night for our anniversary, and a time or two when I had to travel and Dave was working. During those times, we asked a family that we trusted completely, if our boys could stay with them. We knew the kinds of movies they let their kids watch, we knew their rules on just about everything. We felt very safe. By then, our boys were also old enough to talk to about how to act at someone else’s home, as well as how they would handle it if something unexpected happened. They knew how to call us, and we practiced what they might say or do if (heaven forbid) something completely unexpected happened. If they felt uncomfortable in any way, they knew what to do about it.
The flip side: When kids are at our house, we have most often offered to drive them home after a long day/evening as well. We are more likely to invite other kids to sleepover at our home than letting our kids stay with someone else, but we don’t do it very often. In our own home we can keep an eye/ear on things, and though we give the kids plenty of freedom to run wild, having them settle down for the night in our own home gives us control over what they are doing/watching, and removes the worry about middle of the night weirdness, and so on.
The way I see it, a sleepover almost always means less sleep, and a less happy/productive day following. And, I always remember the good old quote my mom has said, “Ain’t nothing good happens after midnight.”
We have continued to maintain our GENERAL “No sleepover” policy. Even though two of our boys are in their teen years, this helps us avoid spontaneous sleepovers where we haven’t had the time to find out exactly what is going on, who will be there, etc. in addition to that, we maintain our “Exception Clause.” This means that there are times where we will let our boys sleep at someone else’s home. Usually it is for a birthday party and only at homes that we know are well supervised and the group of kids are all kids we know. Sometimes we use the exception for our convenience, like before a surf contest when we are carpooling with another family.
I have heard more recently of families choosing to do “sleep-unders,” “late nights,” and “half-overs,” where kids play all evening long, but come home to crash in their own beds late at night. I like that. (I just don’t like being the one to go pick up at 11 PM, haha.)
I would love to hear where your family stands on sleepovers, and any experiences you’ve had to help shape those decisions. There is no judgement here, just wanting to share and learn from one another.
BY MONICA 108 COMMENTS
Share3K
Tweet
4KSHARES
I am re-sharing one more post from my archives today! This one is from about exactly one year ago, so many of you have probably seen it before (I’ve also posted it on Facebook a few times.) I share it because it is summer, and the topic of sleepovers seems to come up a LOT this time of year! I do hope it stimulates some good conversation, or at least brings up a few things to consider.
I do plan to post some original writing here one of these days. What can I say–summer is busy! Thanks for your understanding…
******
7/2014: This week we celebrated Jonah’s thirteenth birthday by having a party with six extra boys sleeping over. There was a lot of noise, flying water, laughter, and–Man, do teenage boys eat! It was a super fun party though, and I’m glad we did it.
Sleepovers are not our norm however, and like many of you, we’ve wrestled with where we stand and how to handle the topic of sleepovers for our kids.
If you have kids, I’m sure you have faced (or will soon be facing,) the sleepover dilemma. Maybe it’s not a dilemma for everyone, but for many of us–it is.
Why?
Because most of us grew up doing sleepovers, and have great memories of the late nights, silliness and FUN of a good sleepover. (As a kid, I hardly went a weekend without being at a friends house or having a friend (or four) at mine.)
But we also know (and sadly, some reading this may have personally experienced) the fact that sleepovers can also be the setting for life-altering, traumatic experiences.
Sleepovers put kids in a position of facing a multitude of uncomfortable situations–from seemingly small things, like a late-night scary story that haunts them for weeks to come, (I remember a few of those to this day!) to the more extreme (but more common than I want to believe) stories of exposures to porn, child molestation, and so on.
It’s a fact: Our world has changed. Where evil has always been present, the availability to evil (hello–Pornography on cell phones) is a game changer.
Even with a family that you think you know and trust, during a sleepover there is greater potential for a family member or friend of the family to find their way into your child’s personal space and do damage that can last a lifetime. There are countless stories to prove that is a legitimate concern.
The potential harm in a simple sleepover is enormous.
But to be fair–The benefits of a sleepover done right, can also be great.
Is there some way to find the balance…to give your kids the experience and memories of what some consider a childhood rite-of-passage, without worrying that you are being irresponsible as a parent?
Well, I’m not sure if there is a guarantee to any of this, but here’s the story of how we’ve handled sleepovers in our family:
When my first boys were just little, I modeled much of my parenting after a respected friend who had four kids a little older than mine. My friend told me that they had a family “rule” of NO SLEEPOVERS. While I was visiting one day, her son’s friend was over, and invited her boy to come over and spend the night. Her son ran to mom and asked permission. She sweetly said, “Remember honey, our family doesn’t do sleepovers.” He nodded, smiled, and walked away. My friend turned to me and said “We have found that a “no sleepover” rule actually is a relief to our kids. They’re young (under ten If I remember right,) and they ask, but they really aren’t comfortable staying at a friend’s house yet.”
Not much later, I read James Dobson’s book Bringing up Boys, and I learned that Dobson was anti-sleepover. Here’s an excerpt from his book. (This excerpt is actually from his book “Bringing up Girls.”)
Sadly, the world has changed in the last few decades, and it is no longer a safe place for children. Pedophiles and child molesters are more pervasive than ever. That is why parents must be diligent to protect their kids every hour of the day and night. …
Until you have dealt with little victims as I have and seen the pain in their eyes, you might not fully appreciate the devastation inflicted by molestation. It casts a long shadow on everything that follows, including future marital relationships. Therefore, parents have to think the unthinkable in every situation. The threat can come from anywhere—including neighbors, uncles, stepfathers, grandfathers, Sunday school teachers, coaches, music instructors, Scout leaders, and babysitters. Even public bathrooms can be dangerous today…
My husband and I talked, and we decided, at least for the early years, that we would also adopt the “no sleepover” rule. It was quite easy, and just like my friend suggested, I think my boys appreciated the lack of pressure when a friend invited them over. The rule took away all of the need to negotiate with our kids, and explain to other families why we might let our boys stay at some homes and not others.
Once or twice when my husband worked a night shift, I had a friend spend the night WITH her little boys, and that worked out really well. It was more like a camping party than a real sleep over. (Danielle, from SometimesSweet, recently shared a post about her son’s first sleepover–very similar to these early ones.)
At some point, as our boys got a little older, we had a few situations come up where it really made sense to have them stay with a friend: Once Dave and I had the chance to get away for a night for our anniversary, and a time or two when I had to travel and Dave was working. During those times, we asked a family that we trusted completely, if our boys could stay with them. We knew the kinds of movies they let their kids watch, we knew their rules on just about everything. We felt very safe. By then, our boys were also old enough to talk to about how to act at someone else’s home, as well as how they would handle it if something unexpected happened. They knew how to call us, and we practiced what they might say or do if (heaven forbid) something completely unexpected happened. If they felt uncomfortable in any way, they knew what to do about it.
The flip side: When kids are at our house, we have most often offered to drive them home after a long day/evening as well. We are more likely to invite other kids to sleepover at our home than letting our kids stay with someone else, but we don’t do it very often. In our own home we can keep an eye/ear on things, and though we give the kids plenty of freedom to run wild, having them settle down for the night in our own home gives us control over what they are doing/watching, and removes the worry about middle of the night weirdness, and so on.
The way I see it, a sleepover almost always means less sleep, and a less happy/productive day following. And, I always remember the good old quote my mom has said, “Ain’t nothing good happens after midnight.”
We have continued to maintain our GENERAL “No sleepover” policy. Even though two of our boys are in their teen years, this helps us avoid spontaneous sleepovers where we haven’t had the time to find out exactly what is going on, who will be there, etc. in addition to that, we maintain our “Exception Clause.” This means that there are times where we will let our boys sleep at someone else’s home. Usually it is for a birthday party and only at homes that we know are well supervised and the group of kids are all kids we know. Sometimes we use the exception for our convenience, like before a surf contest when we are carpooling with another family.
I have heard more recently of families choosing to do “sleep-unders,” “late nights,” and “half-overs,” where kids play all evening long, but come home to crash in their own beds late at night. I like that. (I just don’t like being the one to go pick up at 11 PM, haha.)
I would love to hear where your family stands on sleepovers, and any experiences you’ve had to help shape those decisions. There is no judgement here, just wanting to share and learn from one another.
Sleepovers a thing of the past? It’s a trust issue, parents say
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The classic sleepover: pizza followed by ice-cream sundaes, prank phone calls and movie upon movie until you finally crash as the sun starts to rise may have seen better days. And while there are no statistics about the number of slumber parties today compared with a decade or two ago, all you have to do is Google “sleepovers” to be bombarded with advice on how and why to avoid sending your child to them.
“There’s a decline of this as a regular experience among regular kids,” Fass said.
In the past, parents would simply trust other parents. Today, there’s a major concern about pedophilia.
“If you can’t trust the priest and the Boy Scout leader, how can you trust people you barely know?” Fass asked.
Another factor leading to the decline of sleepovers is the Tiger Mom attitude: maintaining control of your children every minute of the day.
For Nicolette McKinlay, a writer in Boise, Idaho, the door on sleepovers closed forever after her cousin was sexually molested by her uncle when she stayed overnight at another cousin’s house.
“My parents decided then that our family would not do sleepovers,” McKinlay said. “Now, as a parent of four children myself, I mirror their decision. In my opinion, sleepovers just aren’t worth it.”
Even if sexual abuse doesn’t happen, children and teens can still take part in underage drinking, drug experimentation, online bullying, unsupervised online activity or sneaking out of the house, McKinlay said.
Omar Jr., from left, JeanCarlo, Janixa, Omar Sr., Carisma and Angi De Jesus pose for a portrait outside of their home on Monday, August 21, 2017 in Chicago. (Kristen Norman/ for the Chicago Tribune) (Kristen Norman / Chicago Tribune)
But there’s danger in everything if you’re looking for it, said Lenore Skenazy, author and founder of the Free Range Kids movement.
“If you’re only looking for what could go wrong, that’s all you see,” Skenazy said. “If your parents trusted you to handle sleepovers, I don’t see why you’d think your kids are in more or less danger.”
Skenazy said that if we keep redefining childhood experiences as dangerous and in need of a chaperone, we’ll take away extraordinarily important aspects of our children’s lives and replace them with fear.
But McKinlay said that if she can remove the threat of something potentially awful from happening to her children during a sleepover, then why wouldn’t she?
“I know I can’t shelter my children from every danger in the world, but they will survive without sleepovers,” she said.
They will survive, but will they thrive? asked Elizabeth Berger, a New York-based child psychiatrist and author of “Raising Children With Character.”
Children need to be encouraged to trust their instincts regarding dangers, and they should also learn to have the confidence to notify their parents if something doesn’t feel right, Berger said. “The child must be fortified with optimism and the skills to navigate that world, not burdened with fright and forbidden to venture into the world at all.”
If you’re constantly telling your child that only your home is safe, then the implication is that every other place is unsafe, said Michael Thompson, a psychologist and author of “Homesick and Happy.”
“That’s incredibly destructive, and it makes children anxious,” Thompson said.
When children go to a sleepover or sleep-away camp, they’re building independence skills and creating a feeling of psychological ownership.
“The child has to know that he did it: ‘I was fine,’” Thompson said. “That’s an achievement.”
Still, many parents are hesitant to send a child to a sleepover at someone’s home whose parents they barely know.
“I can appreciate that, but what does that mean?” asked Thompson. “Does that mean you have to have three dinners? The chances of you doing that is vanishingly remote.”
More commonly, your child will mention a friend’s name a few times and then beg for a sleepover.
And since most people make an assessment of each other in the blink of an eye, Thompson suggested trusting that feeling.
“Can you go wrong?” he asked. “Yes. None of us is perfect in reading other human beings.”
But you can have your anxiety lessened by trusting your gut, Thompson said.
If not your gut, then your kid.
Skenazy recommended teaching your child the three R’s. Recognize that nobody should touch you. Resist if someone is doing something you don’t like. And Report if an adult tells you something you’re not comfortable with.
“We keep taking away any time they can practice being in charge,” Skenazy said. “They have to become the adults, and this allows them to start practicing the kind of skills they need to get — a little self-awareness, problem-solving and bravery.”
It’ll also help the adults become a little braver as well.
Danielle Braff is a freelancer.
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The classic sleepover: pizza followed by ice-cream sundaes, prank phone calls and movie upon movie until you finally crash as the sun starts to rise may have seen better days. And while there are no statistics about the number of slumber parties today compared with a decade or two ago, all you have to do is Google “sleepovers” to be bombarded with advice on how and why to avoid sending your child to them.
“There’s a decline of this as a regular experience among regular kids,” Fass said.
In the past, parents would simply trust other parents. Today, there’s a major concern about pedophilia.
“If you can’t trust the priest and the Boy Scout leader, how can you trust people you barely know?” Fass asked.
Another factor leading to the decline of sleepovers is the Tiger Mom attitude: maintaining control of your children every minute of the day.
For Nicolette McKinlay, a writer in Boise, Idaho, the door on sleepovers closed forever after her cousin was sexually molested by her uncle when she stayed overnight at another cousin’s house.
“My parents decided then that our family would not do sleepovers,” McKinlay said. “Now, as a parent of four children myself, I mirror their decision. In my opinion, sleepovers just aren’t worth it.”
Even if sexual abuse doesn’t happen, children and teens can still take part in underage drinking, drug experimentation, online bullying, unsupervised online activity or sneaking out of the house, McKinlay said.
Omar Jr., from left, JeanCarlo, Janixa, Omar Sr., Carisma and Angi De Jesus pose for a portrait outside of their home on Monday, August 21, 2017 in Chicago. (Kristen Norman/ for the Chicago Tribune) (Kristen Norman / Chicago Tribune)
But there’s danger in everything if you’re looking for it, said Lenore Skenazy, author and founder of the Free Range Kids movement.
“If you’re only looking for what could go wrong, that’s all you see,” Skenazy said. “If your parents trusted you to handle sleepovers, I don’t see why you’d think your kids are in more or less danger.”
Skenazy said that if we keep redefining childhood experiences as dangerous and in need of a chaperone, we’ll take away extraordinarily important aspects of our children’s lives and replace them with fear.
But McKinlay said that if she can remove the threat of something potentially awful from happening to her children during a sleepover, then why wouldn’t she?
“I know I can’t shelter my children from every danger in the world, but they will survive without sleepovers,” she said.
They will survive, but will they thrive? asked Elizabeth Berger, a New York-based child psychiatrist and author of “Raising Children With Character.”
Children need to be encouraged to trust their instincts regarding dangers, and they should also learn to have the confidence to notify their parents if something doesn’t feel right, Berger said. “The child must be fortified with optimism and the skills to navigate that world, not burdened with fright and forbidden to venture into the world at all.”
If you’re constantly telling your child that only your home is safe, then the implication is that every other place is unsafe, said Michael Thompson, a psychologist and author of “Homesick and Happy.”
“That’s incredibly destructive, and it makes children anxious,” Thompson said.
When children go to a sleepover or sleep-away camp, they’re building independence skills and creating a feeling of psychological ownership.
“The child has to know that he did it: ‘I was fine,’” Thompson said. “That’s an achievement.”
Still, many parents are hesitant to send a child to a sleepover at someone’s home whose parents they barely know.
“I can appreciate that, but what does that mean?” asked Thompson. “Does that mean you have to have three dinners? The chances of you doing that is vanishingly remote.”
More commonly, your child will mention a friend’s name a few times and then beg for a sleepover.
And since most people make an assessment of each other in the blink of an eye, Thompson suggested trusting that feeling.
“Can you go wrong?” he asked. “Yes. None of us is perfect in reading other human beings.”
But you can have your anxiety lessened by trusting your gut, Thompson said.
If not your gut, then your kid.
Skenazy recommended teaching your child the three R’s. Recognize that nobody should touch you. Resist if someone is doing something you don’t like. And Report if an adult tells you something you’re not comfortable with.
“We keep taking away any time they can practice being in charge,” Skenazy said. “They have to become the adults, and this allows them to start practicing the kind of skills they need to get — a little self-awareness, problem-solving and bravery.”
It’ll also help the adults become a little braver as well.
Danielle Braff is a freelancer.
No Sleepovers | Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents
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*This article represents my own personal opinion and choice to say no sleepovers. We all have differing opinions and make different choices when it comes to our kids. Bottom line: we’re all doing our best. Respectful, courteous, and constructive comments are welcome.
Last week, I saw my little boy’s life flash before my eyes and it shook me to the core. We were coming back from the pool and I had stopped to talk to a neighbor. He was on his little bike, waiting patiently for me 30 feet ahead at the corner. A three-year-old’s patience only extends so far, and everything that happened next happened in an instant. I was too far away to stop it. Seeing the truck speeding, I saw my little boy, inching forward, pedals in motion.
I can only thank some angel that day for diverting what could have been any parent’s absolute worst nightmare from coming true. Little buddy pedaled across the street only a split second before the truck sped through the stop sign. I felt despicable. Rotten. And that night, as I watched him sleeping serenely in his bed, tears poured down my cheeks and I vowed to him and God above that I would keep him safe, no matter what it took.
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Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents
We make our children wear bicycle helmets and life jackets to protect them, but as they grow up, how do we safeguard them from more abstract dangers, like child pornography, sexual abuse, and cyberbullying?
As an eleven-year-old, my parents sat me down with a very serious look in their eyes. A little girl we knew very well had been molested at a sleepover by someone she knew very well. For that reason, my mother and father announced that our family would not be doing sleepovers. Never—nada, zip, zilch. To a tween amidst a competitive popularity contest, the world had officially ended. Suddenly, my parents were Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents. How could they ruin me like that?
The battles we fought over the no sleepovers rule were hard and long. I felt they were being prudish and paranoid. Nothing like that would ever happen to me. They claimed they did it because they “loved me so much.” To me, they were just Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents.
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The party that changed everything
It was the beginning of 7th grade and the coolest girl in school was throwing a back-to-school slumber party. Everyone who was anyone would be there. I begged, I pleaded, and my parents consented to let me go, but they would pick me up at 10:00 pm. “But the party won’t be over!” I cried. “Nothing’s going to happen, I can take care of myself. I will look so dumb being the first one that has to go!”
Their answer remained firm: ten o’clock, take it or leave it.
The party was definitely cool, by middle-school standards. There were boys there, cute ones. Brandy’s mom left and with a wink, told us all to “behave.” By 9:45, everyone was playing spin the bottle, and Brandy had brought out her mom’s liquor bottles. At this point I felt so uncomfortable that everything inside of me screamed, get out of here!
Never was I so relieved to see my parents’ headlights pull up to the drive. I waved goodbye to my friends and sprinted out the door. I’d never admit it, but I was kind of grateful for the no sleepovers rule and my Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents.
Sleepovers gone wrong
You only have to open a newspaper to read the horrible things that can happen at sleepovers. Last year, a Nephi, Utah teacher was charged, but found innocent, of molesting an 11-year-old former student who was sleeping over at his house as his daughter’s friend. The girl claimed he gave her a strange pill for a headache and she woke up in the night to find him touching her inappropriately.
In one instance, a Sacramento husband, father, and elementary school teacher was found guilty of committing lewd acts against children while photographing his crimes. The victims were friends of his daughter who were sleeping over at his house. He slipped drugs into their drinks and took advantage of them without them knowing. The community was shocked—coming from someone they trusted and admired.
Child pornography is very real. It is out there, and with so many social media avenues to exploit them, children are more vulnerable than ever.
In 2012, the community of Star City, West Virginia reeled from the horrifying revelation that two 16-year-old girls had lured their best friend to a remote location and stabbed her to death. As detailed in the book Pretty Little Killers, this gruesome event was preceded by a sleepover in one of the girl’s homes. After the mother fell asleep, the girls pulled out a bottle of vodka and started drinking. From there, things went horribly awry when the girls started undressing, snapping photos of each other, and kissing. A fight occurred and after the sleepover, events escalated from bad, to worse, to murder.
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The thing with sleepovers
These are obviously extreme examples of what can happen at sleepovers, but there are other things like cyber bullying, inappropriate movies, video games, jokes, or behavior that you wouldn’t normally allow in your house. When kids are away from their parents, they are more likely to experiment with drugs, alcohol, sex, and plain old mischief.
The long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse are hard to shake. Depression, self-loathing, and feelings of guilt haunt victims well into their adulthood. Kids who have had such encounters don’t understand what happened to them. They keep silent; they think it is their fault.
I never knew how terrifying being a parent was until I became one. Instead of thoroughly enjoying an amusement park, I think of a million ways my child can get lost in one. Every parking lot causes me anxiety. Every stranger eying my child strangely gives me the chills. It only takes once—one distraction, one time of negligence, or rationalization that “just this one sleepover is okay.” It just takes one person that we “trust” to change things forever.
Fun alternatives to sleepovers
There’s no denying sleepovers are a fun part of childhood and adolescence. Late night giggling, stories, and harmless pranks are what make sleeping over so much fun. Chances are, most sleepovers are innocent, but I’m not taking my chances on the one that’s not. Here are a few alternatives that incorporate all the fun of a sleepover, without the sleeping. {Who remembers the sleeping part anyway?}
My No Sleepovers Rule
For me, sleepovers just aren’t worth it. Like that truck speeding toward my little boy when I was too far away to help, when my child sleeps over at another’s house I lose control of the situation and of their safety. I literally put their life into someone else’s hands. That is a chance I’m not willing to take. Never—nada, zip, zilch.
That speeding truck was a wake-up call that I have a profound, intrinsic, larger-than-life responsibility to keep my children safe, in all aspects. I don’t mind being the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parent who says no sleepovers. I can be the mean mom if that keeps my kids safe. One day, they’ll understand.
Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links. This means, we may receive a small commission if you choose to purchase something from a link we post (including links to amazon.com because we are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. Don’t worry, it won’t cost you anything. This small percentage just helps us keep the power on and the Diet Coke stocked. We appreciate your support!
Share73K
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73KSHARES
Save*This article represents my own personal opinion and choice to say no sleepovers. We all have differing opinions and make different choices when it comes to our kids. Bottom line: we’re all doing our best. Respectful, courteous, and constructive comments are welcome.
Last week, I saw my little boy’s life flash before my eyes and it shook me to the core. We were coming back from the pool and I had stopped to talk to a neighbor. He was on his little bike, waiting patiently for me 30 feet ahead at the corner. A three-year-old’s patience only extends so far, and everything that happened next happened in an instant. I was too far away to stop it. Seeing the truck speeding, I saw my little boy, inching forward, pedals in motion.
I can only thank some angel that day for diverting what could have been any parent’s absolute worst nightmare from coming true. Little buddy pedaled across the street only a split second before the truck sped through the stop sign. I felt despicable. Rotten. And that night, as I watched him sleeping serenely in his bed, tears poured down my cheeks and I vowed to him and God above that I would keep him safe, no matter what it took.
SaveTerrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents
We make our children wear bicycle helmets and life jackets to protect them, but as they grow up, how do we safeguard them from more abstract dangers, like child pornography, sexual abuse, and cyberbullying?
As an eleven-year-old, my parents sat me down with a very serious look in their eyes. A little girl we knew very well had been molested at a sleepover by someone she knew very well. For that reason, my mother and father announced that our family would not be doing sleepovers. Never—nada, zip, zilch. To a tween amidst a competitive popularity contest, the world had officially ended. Suddenly, my parents were Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents. How could they ruin me like that?
The battles we fought over the no sleepovers rule were hard and long. I felt they were being prudish and paranoid. Nothing like that would ever happen to me. They claimed they did it because they “loved me so much.” To me, they were just Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents.
SaveThe party that changed everything
It was the beginning of 7th grade and the coolest girl in school was throwing a back-to-school slumber party. Everyone who was anyone would be there. I begged, I pleaded, and my parents consented to let me go, but they would pick me up at 10:00 pm. “But the party won’t be over!” I cried. “Nothing’s going to happen, I can take care of myself. I will look so dumb being the first one that has to go!”
Their answer remained firm: ten o’clock, take it or leave it.
The party was definitely cool, by middle-school standards. There were boys there, cute ones. Brandy’s mom left and with a wink, told us all to “behave.” By 9:45, everyone was playing spin the bottle, and Brandy had brought out her mom’s liquor bottles. At this point I felt so uncomfortable that everything inside of me screamed, get out of here!
Never was I so relieved to see my parents’ headlights pull up to the drive. I waved goodbye to my friends and sprinted out the door. I’d never admit it, but I was kind of grateful for the no sleepovers rule and my Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents.
Sleepovers gone wrong
You only have to open a newspaper to read the horrible things that can happen at sleepovers. Last year, a Nephi, Utah teacher was charged, but found innocent, of molesting an 11-year-old former student who was sleeping over at his house as his daughter’s friend. The girl claimed he gave her a strange pill for a headache and she woke up in the night to find him touching her inappropriately.
In one instance, a Sacramento husband, father, and elementary school teacher was found guilty of committing lewd acts against children while photographing his crimes. The victims were friends of his daughter who were sleeping over at his house. He slipped drugs into their drinks and took advantage of them without them knowing. The community was shocked—coming from someone they trusted and admired.
Child pornography is very real. It is out there, and with so many social media avenues to exploit them, children are more vulnerable than ever.
In 2012, the community of Star City, West Virginia reeled from the horrifying revelation that two 16-year-old girls had lured their best friend to a remote location and stabbed her to death. As detailed in the book Pretty Little Killers, this gruesome event was preceded by a sleepover in one of the girl’s homes. After the mother fell asleep, the girls pulled out a bottle of vodka and started drinking. From there, things went horribly awry when the girls started undressing, snapping photos of each other, and kissing. A fight occurred and after the sleepover, events escalated from bad, to worse, to murder.
SaveThe thing with sleepovers
These are obviously extreme examples of what can happen at sleepovers, but there are other things like cyber bullying, inappropriate movies, video games, jokes, or behavior that you wouldn’t normally allow in your house. When kids are away from their parents, they are more likely to experiment with drugs, alcohol, sex, and plain old mischief.
The long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse are hard to shake. Depression, self-loathing, and feelings of guilt haunt victims well into their adulthood. Kids who have had such encounters don’t understand what happened to them. They keep silent; they think it is their fault.
I never knew how terrifying being a parent was until I became one. Instead of thoroughly enjoying an amusement park, I think of a million ways my child can get lost in one. Every parking lot causes me anxiety. Every stranger eying my child strangely gives me the chills. It only takes once—one distraction, one time of negligence, or rationalization that “just this one sleepover is okay.” It just takes one person that we “trust” to change things forever.
Fun alternatives to sleepovers
There’s no denying sleepovers are a fun part of childhood and adolescence. Late night giggling, stories, and harmless pranks are what make sleeping over so much fun. Chances are, most sleepovers are innocent, but I’m not taking my chances on the one that’s not. Here are a few alternatives that incorporate all the fun of a sleepover, without the sleeping. {Who remembers the sleeping part anyway?}
- Late night play dates: Just like a regular play date with friends, on this supervised play date, friends come in their jammies, bring junk food, games, and watch movies. Parents pick everyone up around 10:00 or a designated time.
- Late-overs– Let older kids have their fun, supervised by an adult, then parents pick up at a designated time.
- Night games- Being out after dark is totally cool and fun. Host a supervised night games party where older kids and teens play popular games like glow in the dark baseball, sardines (a version of hide-and-seek), ghost in the graveyard, etc.
- Breakfast bash: Friends come in their jammies, ready for a crepes, pancakes, or a yogurt bar.
My No Sleepovers Rule
For me, sleepovers just aren’t worth it. Like that truck speeding toward my little boy when I was too far away to help, when my child sleeps over at another’s house I lose control of the situation and of their safety. I literally put their life into someone else’s hands. That is a chance I’m not willing to take. Never—nada, zip, zilch.
That speeding truck was a wake-up call that I have a profound, intrinsic, larger-than-life responsibility to keep my children safe, in all aspects. I don’t mind being the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parent who says no sleepovers. I can be the mean mom if that keeps my kids safe. One day, they’ll understand.
Children and Sleepovers: What Parents Need to Know
November 2, 2016 #family #parenting
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My family doesn’t do sleepovers. Before our children were even old enough to ask, Aileen and I talked it through and determined that we would not allow them. We would simply take sleepovers off the table altogether. A couple of years ago I wrote about this in an article titled Why My Family Doesn’t Do Sleepovers and something crazy happened. To date, nearly 8,000,000 people have read it. Every few months something happens within Facebook and it goes viral all over again. In the past week alone another 600,000 people have dropped by my site to read the article.
Invariably, every time the article gets stirred up on Facebook, I receive scores of letters to the editor expressing either gratitude or disagreement. Broadly speaking, these letters fall into two categories—those who have had bad experiences with sleepovers and, therefore agree with my article, and those who have not had bad experiences with sleepovers and, therefore, disagree with my article. Past experience, whether negative or positive, appears to be the most prominent factor in determining whether or not parents will allow sleepovers. This makes a lot of sense, I’m sure. We often rely on past experience to chart the path forward.
Today I want to allow others to speak. I am going to share some of the letters to the editor I have received just in the past week or ten days. I’ve put them into three categories: Those that generally agree, those that generally disagree, and those that offer an alternate or pose good questions. The title of this article says it contains “What Parents Need to Know.” In this I want parents to speak to parents, to share what they have decided about sleepovers.
I will warn you up-front that many of these letters are tragic, disturbing, and difficult to read.
Letters that Agree
I just read your article on sleepovers. My daughter is almost 27, married with two beautiful children. However, her freshman year of high school—through a study our high school girls were doing in their discipleship groups at church—we found out she had been raped by a neighbor as a third grader on the one and only time she stayed at the home with his family (he, his wife, and two daughters). She kept that horrible secret for six years, and we never had a clue. … During the time of ‘waiting’ for trial and shortly after, we learned of at least three other girls in the neighborhood who were also victims.”
***
Sleepovers were a definite no in my family for my younger siblings when I was growing up and are a huge no to nieces and nephews I have now. My older sister and I were sexually abused after my older sister begged to sleep over at a friend’s house when she was in the 9th grade and I was in the 6th. Our father only allowed her to go if we went together, because he thought that would be safer. But it was not safer. Once in a while my dad, with tears in his eyes, says “I’m sorry, I should have known better. I’m your father, it was my job to protect you and I didn’t.” Those are words no father should have to tell their child for the outcome of what seemed a simple, innocent sleepover.
***
I just wanted to thank you for your article about sleepovers. My husband and I also decided not to allow our children to attend sleepovers, except the occasional night at grandma’s. Our reasons were basically the same as yours as well, with the exception that the “bad” experiences had to do with attempting séances and other occult-related activities rather than the experiences you mentioned. We also found it would simplify things to have a clearcut line—no sleepovers—rather than picking and choosing which ones would be “safe.” I have not ever heard of anyone else making this decision so it was reaffirming to me to see it in print. And, I am thankful that someone in a role-model position is so clearly explaining the wisdom of going against the grain. Thanks!
***
I was raped by my best friend’s father at age fourteen while at a sleepover. I agree with you on every point you make. Things like this happened just as often decades ago as they do now. I’m almost 50. Things like this alter the course of a person’s life, in ways no one can imagine. I know. I have never healed. I’m a follower of Christ and I know I should have, but I haven’t.
***
I am a mother who doesn’t typically send my children for sleepovers. However, when my father and stepmom asked to take my daughter, I agreed. During that sleepover my little sister (my daughter was 6, my sister was 9) showed my daughter pornography. She Googled [various sexual terms] and proceeded to act out what she saw on my daughter. My children will no longer participate in sleepovers after this.
***
I am the mother of 4 and grandmother of 6. When I was growing up, my siblings and I had sleepovers all the time. I have many friends who were victims of molestation at a sleepover. I have closely witnessed the lifetime of devastation that comes with it. For that reason, my husband and I made it a rule that we wouldn’t allow sleepovers with friends. We allowed grandparents and cousins but not friends. My youngest daughter is 14 and we will occasionally allow her to have friends at our home but we are even cautious with that. Not only does it protect our children, but we protect our spouses and our family as a whole.
Instead of sleepovers, we do “late nights.” We made a decision that based on age, we would decide a late night time for our children to stay at a friend’s house and we would pick them up. When our kids were little, a late night might be 8 or 9. As they got older, into teen years, the late hour increased. We made a commitment to our children that the lateness of the hour would never determine our willingness to let our children attend something. It has worked out really well. And I have found that the drive home brings great conversations and honesty even in the middle of the night.
***
I am a victim myself. I know the dangers all too well of what is lurking at sleepovers. Things, that would take a trained eye to catch. When the lights go out, when adults are out of reach. It really just takes a second, but the residue from the act follows through life and alters your life. It alters your being. The innocent child loses normalcy. I just wanted to share this with you. Thank you, for this article.
***
As a child growing up, I can remember my grandmother advising my parents not allowing us to do sleepovers at all. However, as a child I was allowed to go to them and have them. Looking back as I got older and started having my own children, I was very strict with my children about sleepovers and eventually outlawed them all together in our household, because as a child growing up I had some awful, terrible experiences at sleepovers and wish they never were a part of my life. There will always be tears and arguments with this job for both parents and their children and in the end tears are good! So let the tears roll and know you are doing something right for the safety of your child/children and it is out of love!
***
Our younger daughter was raped by her best friend’s father when she was 12. What followed was a nightmare for her and our family. He continued the sexual abuse for 18 months. He lived 2 doors down from us and he told her he would kill us if she told or quit coming to their house. She is now 29, married and with a child of her own, but that’s only because of the powerful grace of God! She did not disclose her abuse for 7 years, which was filled with multiple suicide attempts, cutting, burning, anorexia, deep depression, residential treatment, years of therapy, another rape in college, substance abuse and more prayer and tears than almost humanly possible.
***
I raised my children in the early/mid 90’s. It was the decade of the sleepover. Against my better judgement I let them have sleep over at their friends homes. I wish I hadn’t. My son was exposed to pornography and molested by the other boys. My daughter was exposed to horror films and other things and began cutting herself.
***
I agree with the article and have the same rules in my home. My children are allowed to attend the party until it is bed time and then I will come get them. I had a cousin who was molested the whole time she was growing up at her best friend’s house and didn’t say anything about it until she was 18 and had a breakdown. I vowed at that point that my children would never be put in that situation. I allow sleepovers at my home if their friends parents allow, I know myself and wouldn’t allow anything to happen to their children. In fact, boys downstairs girls upstairs if there are other children in my home. I just don’t trust other people with my children enough to take that risk.
Letters that Disagree
I disagree with not allowing sleepovers. I am a mother of four (3 girls and 1 boy) who are now all almost adults. While simply saying no because you are trying to protect your children perhaps makes you feel better about protecting them, it does not empower them. We are what could be called “liberal parents.” We allow sleepovers, we allow parties, we allow outings. However, we are careful about where we allow our kids to go, we always drop-off and pick-up ourselves, and we make sure we get to know their friends and the friends’ families. More importantly, we teach our children to look after themselves, we encourage them to be open with us by not being judgmental, over-protective and unreasonable. We teach them to be strong, independent and confident. They are given space to build this independence with the understanding that with freedom comes responsibility. They have all been allowed to parties where they were offered alcohol but they also know that if they drink, then they will lose the privilege of being allowed to go next time.
When you simply ban things it does not stop children from doing them. It just means they will find a way to do it behind your back, and when they do manage to get what was banned they will not be inclined to do it in moderation. So banning sleepovers can lead to them bunking out. They stop asking for permission to do stuff because they know you are going to say no and instead make their own plans. This I know from first-hand experience.
***
I’m responding to your post about not allowing sleepovers for your kids. I was brought up that way also and always felt socially inadequate and over-protected. I felt stunted and was a very late bloomer as far as relationships go. I married late in life and feel my life and therefore battled to have a child because of my age. I feel life could have started far sooner. I feel that parents should have an open, honest communication with their kids and that is the best way to protect them. I think that kids should develop naturally in life and the best form of protection is education.
***
I believe that every parent deserves, within reason of course, to parent in any way they wish. I completely disagree, as does the article, that the world is much more predatory now than before. The world has always been predatory, we just hear about it more due to social media. As parents, it’s our job to make sure, every day, every decision, that we are raising good, compassionate, thriving kids. Personally, as parents of 2 boys, we have always been “The House,” whether it be having kids over to play football, basketball, baseball, Nerf war, and/or sleepovers. I know each and every parent of these kids personally, and they know us. We may be in a unique position that in our area in that most people who have chosen to raise their families here are from here, as well as generations prior back to when they were immigrants.
I believe in the inherent innocence of children to a certain age, educating constantly when they are past that age, and love that we create a safe environment for which all the kids at our home can have fun, with the parents of these kids knowing that we allow fun, but no “funny business,” so to speak. Are these kids perfect? No, but they are good kids that know I’m a momma bear that will protect them at all costs, and that knows what is going on when they are at my home. If we all consistently aimed at creating safe places for our kids to feel safe and have fun, this wouldn’t be an issue. There are other homes that also welcome kids in all of the time, and we know and trust them as well. I think it boils down to community, having it, creating it, doing whatever we have to do to allow our children to have the best childhood possible within the scope of modern day issues.
***
I know the world is bad and scary too. But, as parents we need to teach our children to trust people, trust humanity. It is not right to teach the kids to always look at everybody with a suspicious eye. Having said that, we also have to teach our kids to be safe, and if they feel unsafe, what is the appropriate thing to do. I beg to disagree that sleepovers are bad. No. It actually is a way of saying to our kids that, “We trust you will take care of ourselves in all situations possible.” Sleepovers are fun for the kids and it is not right to take away that happiness from a kid.
Other Letters
Although I agree with your article, being a mom now myself I know I can’t protect my son if I’m not there. However, I’m a victim of pedophilia. I appreciated so much to get away from my home to sleep without worry of my mom’s boyfriend coming into my room at night. I would spend entire summers away at my friends’ houses. I never had to worry, I didn’t have to sleep with a knife under my bed. I’m forever thankful that my friends parents allowed me to basically live with them through elementary school. Nobody knew. I couldn’t tell anyone, but when I was away, I was free.
***
I was intrigued by your article. As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I often hear this discussion in my circle groups and the comments often amaze me. What struck me in your article was your comment about exceptions. You noted that you did not want to make exceptions because it would, in a sense, open the floodgates. I would just like to point out, though, that you did make an exception. You made an exception for family. This, to me, is opening the floodgates. Why does family get a pass? Why are they given automatic trust over other equally human humans? An overwhelming majority of childhood sexual abuse survivors were hurt by adults that their parents knew and trusted. My challenge to you would be to consider what makes family so special. How can you guarantee your child’s safety from them? And if you follow this spiral, can you truly protect them at all? These questions are probing but intentional.
***
I read your entire article and I think it lacks what I believe is the most important thing to do to prevent any sexual abuse on children in all situations. I said “in all situations” because such things can happen anywhere not only during sleepovers. Your article lacks what I always do to my children and that is making them aware about the issue on sexual abuse. I believe that children of all ages have the ability to listen to their parents, granting of course that the manner on how the parents brings out the subject is according to their age level. In my case I always explain to my children about the dangers they will be encountering with other people whenever they are alone . I also told them that they should never allow anybody to look or touch their private parts and if somebody attempts to do it to them, to never hesitate to tell us, their parents. So I think this is what you fail to include in your article. I believe that making the child aware of the dangers they will face is far more effective than merely not allowing them sleepovers.
Conclusion
Each parent needs to decide whether or not to allow their children to participate in sleepovers. The majority of the letters I have shared today would implore them not too. This disparity simply reflects the weight of the letters I’ve received–far more have been opposed to sleepovers than enthusiastic about them. Yet I want to be clear: Allowing or not allowing children to sleep over does not necessarily reflect good parenting or bad, spiritual maturity or a lack of spiritual maturity. God gives us freedom and wisdom to decide what is best for our families, what is best for our children. It is my hope that these letters help parents make informed, wise decisions.
November 2, 2016 #family #parenting
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My family doesn’t do sleepovers. Before our children were even old enough to ask, Aileen and I talked it through and determined that we would not allow them. We would simply take sleepovers off the table altogether. A couple of years ago I wrote about this in an article titled Why My Family Doesn’t Do Sleepovers and something crazy happened. To date, nearly 8,000,000 people have read it. Every few months something happens within Facebook and it goes viral all over again. In the past week alone another 600,000 people have dropped by my site to read the article.
Invariably, every time the article gets stirred up on Facebook, I receive scores of letters to the editor expressing either gratitude or disagreement. Broadly speaking, these letters fall into two categories—those who have had bad experiences with sleepovers and, therefore agree with my article, and those who have not had bad experiences with sleepovers and, therefore, disagree with my article. Past experience, whether negative or positive, appears to be the most prominent factor in determining whether or not parents will allow sleepovers. This makes a lot of sense, I’m sure. We often rely on past experience to chart the path forward.
Today I want to allow others to speak. I am going to share some of the letters to the editor I have received just in the past week or ten days. I’ve put them into three categories: Those that generally agree, those that generally disagree, and those that offer an alternate or pose good questions. The title of this article says it contains “What Parents Need to Know.” In this I want parents to speak to parents, to share what they have decided about sleepovers.
I will warn you up-front that many of these letters are tragic, disturbing, and difficult to read.
Letters that Agree
I just read your article on sleepovers. My daughter is almost 27, married with two beautiful children. However, her freshman year of high school—through a study our high school girls were doing in their discipleship groups at church—we found out she had been raped by a neighbor as a third grader on the one and only time she stayed at the home with his family (he, his wife, and two daughters). She kept that horrible secret for six years, and we never had a clue. … During the time of ‘waiting’ for trial and shortly after, we learned of at least three other girls in the neighborhood who were also victims.”
***
Sleepovers were a definite no in my family for my younger siblings when I was growing up and are a huge no to nieces and nephews I have now. My older sister and I were sexually abused after my older sister begged to sleep over at a friend’s house when she was in the 9th grade and I was in the 6th. Our father only allowed her to go if we went together, because he thought that would be safer. But it was not safer. Once in a while my dad, with tears in his eyes, says “I’m sorry, I should have known better. I’m your father, it was my job to protect you and I didn’t.” Those are words no father should have to tell their child for the outcome of what seemed a simple, innocent sleepover.
***
I just wanted to thank you for your article about sleepovers. My husband and I also decided not to allow our children to attend sleepovers, except the occasional night at grandma’s. Our reasons were basically the same as yours as well, with the exception that the “bad” experiences had to do with attempting séances and other occult-related activities rather than the experiences you mentioned. We also found it would simplify things to have a clearcut line—no sleepovers—rather than picking and choosing which ones would be “safe.” I have not ever heard of anyone else making this decision so it was reaffirming to me to see it in print. And, I am thankful that someone in a role-model position is so clearly explaining the wisdom of going against the grain. Thanks!
***
I was raped by my best friend’s father at age fourteen while at a sleepover. I agree with you on every point you make. Things like this happened just as often decades ago as they do now. I’m almost 50. Things like this alter the course of a person’s life, in ways no one can imagine. I know. I have never healed. I’m a follower of Christ and I know I should have, but I haven’t.
***
I am a mother who doesn’t typically send my children for sleepovers. However, when my father and stepmom asked to take my daughter, I agreed. During that sleepover my little sister (my daughter was 6, my sister was 9) showed my daughter pornography. She Googled [various sexual terms] and proceeded to act out what she saw on my daughter. My children will no longer participate in sleepovers after this.
***
I am the mother of 4 and grandmother of 6. When I was growing up, my siblings and I had sleepovers all the time. I have many friends who were victims of molestation at a sleepover. I have closely witnessed the lifetime of devastation that comes with it. For that reason, my husband and I made it a rule that we wouldn’t allow sleepovers with friends. We allowed grandparents and cousins but not friends. My youngest daughter is 14 and we will occasionally allow her to have friends at our home but we are even cautious with that. Not only does it protect our children, but we protect our spouses and our family as a whole.
Instead of sleepovers, we do “late nights.” We made a decision that based on age, we would decide a late night time for our children to stay at a friend’s house and we would pick them up. When our kids were little, a late night might be 8 or 9. As they got older, into teen years, the late hour increased. We made a commitment to our children that the lateness of the hour would never determine our willingness to let our children attend something. It has worked out really well. And I have found that the drive home brings great conversations and honesty even in the middle of the night.
***
I am a victim myself. I know the dangers all too well of what is lurking at sleepovers. Things, that would take a trained eye to catch. When the lights go out, when adults are out of reach. It really just takes a second, but the residue from the act follows through life and alters your life. It alters your being. The innocent child loses normalcy. I just wanted to share this with you. Thank you, for this article.
***
As a child growing up, I can remember my grandmother advising my parents not allowing us to do sleepovers at all. However, as a child I was allowed to go to them and have them. Looking back as I got older and started having my own children, I was very strict with my children about sleepovers and eventually outlawed them all together in our household, because as a child growing up I had some awful, terrible experiences at sleepovers and wish they never were a part of my life. There will always be tears and arguments with this job for both parents and their children and in the end tears are good! So let the tears roll and know you are doing something right for the safety of your child/children and it is out of love!
***
Our younger daughter was raped by her best friend’s father when she was 12. What followed was a nightmare for her and our family. He continued the sexual abuse for 18 months. He lived 2 doors down from us and he told her he would kill us if she told or quit coming to their house. She is now 29, married and with a child of her own, but that’s only because of the powerful grace of God! She did not disclose her abuse for 7 years, which was filled with multiple suicide attempts, cutting, burning, anorexia, deep depression, residential treatment, years of therapy, another rape in college, substance abuse and more prayer and tears than almost humanly possible.
***
I raised my children in the early/mid 90’s. It was the decade of the sleepover. Against my better judgement I let them have sleep over at their friends homes. I wish I hadn’t. My son was exposed to pornography and molested by the other boys. My daughter was exposed to horror films and other things and began cutting herself.
***
I agree with the article and have the same rules in my home. My children are allowed to attend the party until it is bed time and then I will come get them. I had a cousin who was molested the whole time she was growing up at her best friend’s house and didn’t say anything about it until she was 18 and had a breakdown. I vowed at that point that my children would never be put in that situation. I allow sleepovers at my home if their friends parents allow, I know myself and wouldn’t allow anything to happen to their children. In fact, boys downstairs girls upstairs if there are other children in my home. I just don’t trust other people with my children enough to take that risk.
Letters that Disagree
I disagree with not allowing sleepovers. I am a mother of four (3 girls and 1 boy) who are now all almost adults. While simply saying no because you are trying to protect your children perhaps makes you feel better about protecting them, it does not empower them. We are what could be called “liberal parents.” We allow sleepovers, we allow parties, we allow outings. However, we are careful about where we allow our kids to go, we always drop-off and pick-up ourselves, and we make sure we get to know their friends and the friends’ families. More importantly, we teach our children to look after themselves, we encourage them to be open with us by not being judgmental, over-protective and unreasonable. We teach them to be strong, independent and confident. They are given space to build this independence with the understanding that with freedom comes responsibility. They have all been allowed to parties where they were offered alcohol but they also know that if they drink, then they will lose the privilege of being allowed to go next time.
When you simply ban things it does not stop children from doing them. It just means they will find a way to do it behind your back, and when they do manage to get what was banned they will not be inclined to do it in moderation. So banning sleepovers can lead to them bunking out. They stop asking for permission to do stuff because they know you are going to say no and instead make their own plans. This I know from first-hand experience.
***
I’m responding to your post about not allowing sleepovers for your kids. I was brought up that way also and always felt socially inadequate and over-protected. I felt stunted and was a very late bloomer as far as relationships go. I married late in life and feel my life and therefore battled to have a child because of my age. I feel life could have started far sooner. I feel that parents should have an open, honest communication with their kids and that is the best way to protect them. I think that kids should develop naturally in life and the best form of protection is education.
***
I believe that every parent deserves, within reason of course, to parent in any way they wish. I completely disagree, as does the article, that the world is much more predatory now than before. The world has always been predatory, we just hear about it more due to social media. As parents, it’s our job to make sure, every day, every decision, that we are raising good, compassionate, thriving kids. Personally, as parents of 2 boys, we have always been “The House,” whether it be having kids over to play football, basketball, baseball, Nerf war, and/or sleepovers. I know each and every parent of these kids personally, and they know us. We may be in a unique position that in our area in that most people who have chosen to raise their families here are from here, as well as generations prior back to when they were immigrants.
I believe in the inherent innocence of children to a certain age, educating constantly when they are past that age, and love that we create a safe environment for which all the kids at our home can have fun, with the parents of these kids knowing that we allow fun, but no “funny business,” so to speak. Are these kids perfect? No, but they are good kids that know I’m a momma bear that will protect them at all costs, and that knows what is going on when they are at my home. If we all consistently aimed at creating safe places for our kids to feel safe and have fun, this wouldn’t be an issue. There are other homes that also welcome kids in all of the time, and we know and trust them as well. I think it boils down to community, having it, creating it, doing whatever we have to do to allow our children to have the best childhood possible within the scope of modern day issues.
***
I know the world is bad and scary too. But, as parents we need to teach our children to trust people, trust humanity. It is not right to teach the kids to always look at everybody with a suspicious eye. Having said that, we also have to teach our kids to be safe, and if they feel unsafe, what is the appropriate thing to do. I beg to disagree that sleepovers are bad. No. It actually is a way of saying to our kids that, “We trust you will take care of ourselves in all situations possible.” Sleepovers are fun for the kids and it is not right to take away that happiness from a kid.
Other Letters
Although I agree with your article, being a mom now myself I know I can’t protect my son if I’m not there. However, I’m a victim of pedophilia. I appreciated so much to get away from my home to sleep without worry of my mom’s boyfriend coming into my room at night. I would spend entire summers away at my friends’ houses. I never had to worry, I didn’t have to sleep with a knife under my bed. I’m forever thankful that my friends parents allowed me to basically live with them through elementary school. Nobody knew. I couldn’t tell anyone, but when I was away, I was free.
***
I was intrigued by your article. As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I often hear this discussion in my circle groups and the comments often amaze me. What struck me in your article was your comment about exceptions. You noted that you did not want to make exceptions because it would, in a sense, open the floodgates. I would just like to point out, though, that you did make an exception. You made an exception for family. This, to me, is opening the floodgates. Why does family get a pass? Why are they given automatic trust over other equally human humans? An overwhelming majority of childhood sexual abuse survivors were hurt by adults that their parents knew and trusted. My challenge to you would be to consider what makes family so special. How can you guarantee your child’s safety from them? And if you follow this spiral, can you truly protect them at all? These questions are probing but intentional.
***
I read your entire article and I think it lacks what I believe is the most important thing to do to prevent any sexual abuse on children in all situations. I said “in all situations” because such things can happen anywhere not only during sleepovers. Your article lacks what I always do to my children and that is making them aware about the issue on sexual abuse. I believe that children of all ages have the ability to listen to their parents, granting of course that the manner on how the parents brings out the subject is according to their age level. In my case I always explain to my children about the dangers they will be encountering with other people whenever they are alone . I also told them that they should never allow anybody to look or touch their private parts and if somebody attempts to do it to them, to never hesitate to tell us, their parents. So I think this is what you fail to include in your article. I believe that making the child aware of the dangers they will face is far more effective than merely not allowing them sleepovers.
Conclusion
Each parent needs to decide whether or not to allow their children to participate in sleepovers. The majority of the letters I have shared today would implore them not too. This disparity simply reflects the weight of the letters I’ve received–far more have been opposed to sleepovers than enthusiastic about them. Yet I want to be clear: Allowing or not allowing children to sleep over does not necessarily reflect good parenting or bad, spiritual maturity or a lack of spiritual maturity. God gives us freedom and wisdom to decide what is best for our families, what is best for our children. It is my hope that these letters help parents make informed, wise decisions.
Why My Kid Won't Be Attending Your Kid's Sleepover
I don't know what goes on in the privacy of your own home, and my 7-year-old son doesn't need to know either.
By Nicole Blades
Oct 26, 2017
2.8k
GETTY IMAGES
His question was simple. It was my answer that got complicated. It all started when my then 7-year-old son came home with an invitation to yet another birthday party. I opened the tiny envelope wondering which trampoline park or backyard was on deck for the fun and games this time around. Then I saw it: blah-blah-blah and sleepover.
Wait. What? They're 7-year-old kids. Babies, basically. How did we get to this point already? Why add a sleepover to the mix and make this complicated? The jumping on inflatable stuff sounded good. Even an unstructured let's-just-run-around-high-on-pizza-and-cake-and-yelling-in-the basement works for these kids. This is personal, isn't it? You are intentionally pushing me to step out of my Chill Mom zone, clearly, and shoving me right into Mean Mom territory; I thought I had at least five more years before I donned that spiky sash and lopsided tiara. Yeah, my blanket answer to all sleepovers — for at least the next four years to possibly forever — is no.
Mainly, it's about the fact that adult human people are super weird.
To back it up a bit, in case it's not already clear: I'm anti-sleepover, especially for school-age kids — staunchly so. Does it have something to do with my not being allowed to sleep over at friends' houses as a kid? Sure. But mainly, it's about the fact that adult human people are super weird. There are many poignant examples of this; my most recent being the Apple Pie, blond-hair-blue-eyed family of former neighbors in my quiet, New England town that turned out to be doused in scandal and salaciousness. I'd get into the details there if this were a different time and we had fine china mugs between us because it is some piping hot tea to spill! The overarching moral of that story is: We're all kind of strangers and you don't know what's going on in someone else's home.
You, Exhibit A Parent, could be perfectly nice at school pick-ups, nice at birthday party drop-offs, nice at the school open house nights, and even nice at those awkward, random run-ins at the grocery store. But in the privacy of your own home and within circle of your family, you could also have some deeply quirky habits or wildly inappropriate proclivities. And, on the more serious side, you could have firearms in your home that are not even halfway properly locked away from children.
But it's not just the bizarre behaviors of us parents that keep me side-eyeing sleepovers for the under-10 set. The "babies" are not wholly unimpeachable either. Real talk? Some of our kids are mini weirdos — adorable, yes, but also quirky and offbeat as hell. It's no secret that youngsters — ages 6, 7, 8 — are very into their routines. They will only wear the orange, Nike shirt on Mondays and Thursdays. They will only eat waffles with syrup dribbled into the tiny squares. They will only rest well at night after a certain book is read, a particular song is sung and the sound machine is set to tropical forest.
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
For little ones, having routines helps them make sense of the world.
Whether these specific practices develop organically or they are (ahem) nurtured by parents just letting their kids be who they are, for little ones, having routines and ensuring that things are the same exact way every day, seems to help them make sense of the world and how they can best negotiate it. And when any of these tent poles are moved or even angled the other way, their entire sense of comfort folds in on itself like a wet blanket. This is when parents get the middle of the night call from the sleepover house with a shaky-voiced kid on the other end of the line asking to come home. Or, worse, you — the sleepover house parent — crack open a blurry eye to find a young stranger at the edge of your bed. "Henry's Mom? I had a really bad dream." Yeah. How you feeling about the sleepover idea now, Henry's Mom?
Of course I didn't tell my son all of this when he asked about the sleepover. I went the more level-headed route with a simple no and followed it with "because I don't think you're ready for that just yet, sweetheart." It worked (for now, anyway), and he hasn't really buzzed back around with the sleepover question since then. Maybe some part of him recognized that I was right, that he's not all the way ready to sleep at a friend's house.
Or maybe he's just in plotting mode, and the next sleepover invite will come with a PowerPoint deck he's created illustrating all the reasons why I am oh-so wrong. And I'll be ready. My used-car-salesman-detector game is strong.
Nicole Blades is a novelist and freelance journalist. Her latest novel, Have You Met Nora?, is out October 31.
I don't know what goes on in the privacy of your own home, and my 7-year-old son doesn't need to know either.
By Nicole Blades
Oct 26, 2017
2.8k
GETTY IMAGES
His question was simple. It was my answer that got complicated. It all started when my then 7-year-old son came home with an invitation to yet another birthday party. I opened the tiny envelope wondering which trampoline park or backyard was on deck for the fun and games this time around. Then I saw it: blah-blah-blah and sleepover.
Wait. What? They're 7-year-old kids. Babies, basically. How did we get to this point already? Why add a sleepover to the mix and make this complicated? The jumping on inflatable stuff sounded good. Even an unstructured let's-just-run-around-high-on-pizza-and-cake-and-yelling-in-the basement works for these kids. This is personal, isn't it? You are intentionally pushing me to step out of my Chill Mom zone, clearly, and shoving me right into Mean Mom territory; I thought I had at least five more years before I donned that spiky sash and lopsided tiara. Yeah, my blanket answer to all sleepovers — for at least the next four years to possibly forever — is no.
Mainly, it's about the fact that adult human people are super weird.
To back it up a bit, in case it's not already clear: I'm anti-sleepover, especially for school-age kids — staunchly so. Does it have something to do with my not being allowed to sleep over at friends' houses as a kid? Sure. But mainly, it's about the fact that adult human people are super weird. There are many poignant examples of this; my most recent being the Apple Pie, blond-hair-blue-eyed family of former neighbors in my quiet, New England town that turned out to be doused in scandal and salaciousness. I'd get into the details there if this were a different time and we had fine china mugs between us because it is some piping hot tea to spill! The overarching moral of that story is: We're all kind of strangers and you don't know what's going on in someone else's home.
You, Exhibit A Parent, could be perfectly nice at school pick-ups, nice at birthday party drop-offs, nice at the school open house nights, and even nice at those awkward, random run-ins at the grocery store. But in the privacy of your own home and within circle of your family, you could also have some deeply quirky habits or wildly inappropriate proclivities. And, on the more serious side, you could have firearms in your home that are not even halfway properly locked away from children.
But it's not just the bizarre behaviors of us parents that keep me side-eyeing sleepovers for the under-10 set. The "babies" are not wholly unimpeachable either. Real talk? Some of our kids are mini weirdos — adorable, yes, but also quirky and offbeat as hell. It's no secret that youngsters — ages 6, 7, 8 — are very into their routines. They will only wear the orange, Nike shirt on Mondays and Thursdays. They will only eat waffles with syrup dribbled into the tiny squares. They will only rest well at night after a certain book is read, a particular song is sung and the sound machine is set to tropical forest.
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
For little ones, having routines helps them make sense of the world.
Whether these specific practices develop organically or they are (ahem) nurtured by parents just letting their kids be who they are, for little ones, having routines and ensuring that things are the same exact way every day, seems to help them make sense of the world and how they can best negotiate it. And when any of these tent poles are moved or even angled the other way, their entire sense of comfort folds in on itself like a wet blanket. This is when parents get the middle of the night call from the sleepover house with a shaky-voiced kid on the other end of the line asking to come home. Or, worse, you — the sleepover house parent — crack open a blurry eye to find a young stranger at the edge of your bed. "Henry's Mom? I had a really bad dream." Yeah. How you feeling about the sleepover idea now, Henry's Mom?
Of course I didn't tell my son all of this when he asked about the sleepover. I went the more level-headed route with a simple no and followed it with "because I don't think you're ready for that just yet, sweetheart." It worked (for now, anyway), and he hasn't really buzzed back around with the sleepover question since then. Maybe some part of him recognized that I was right, that he's not all the way ready to sleep at a friend's house.
Or maybe he's just in plotting mode, and the next sleepover invite will come with a PowerPoint deck he's created illustrating all the reasons why I am oh-so wrong. And I'll be ready. My used-car-salesman-detector game is strong.
Nicole Blades is a novelist and freelance journalist. Her latest novel, Have You Met Nora?, is out October 31.
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