1. The God
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At 35 he has two degrees, a six-figure income, no kids and a mortgage. And yes, he's straight. On paper, he sounds ideal. How is he single? Because in person he's a nightmare. He's convinced himself that his presence is a present, and he reminds you of that (and his "accomplishments") at every opportunity.
2. The 'Single' Husband
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Of course you didn't know he was married, or you never would have given him your number. But he conveniently left out that tidbit of info when he approached at happy hour.
You're on the phone with him one late evening and hear a woman's voice in the background. "Who's that?" you ask.
"Oh, that's just my wife," he says casually, as if he's explaining that the dog was barking. "Is that a problem for you?" he inquires.
You don't understand what type of relationship he and his wife have, but the point is they have one, and you are out. Click.
3. The Conspiracy Theorist
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Everything boils down to someone trying to keep a brother, well, down. A fictitious TV heroine dating a white guy? The white man devaluing black love. He gets cut off in traffic? The white man trying to make him late for work. Valentine's Day? Another way the white man gets the black man to spend money to keep a brother broke.
4. The Brother Who Doesn't Really Like Black People
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If you published the transcript to any of his rants on what's wrong with black people, it would read like the minutes from a KKK meeting. According to him, the sum of black culture is baby daddies, piss-poor morality, consumerism and fried chicken. In defense of black people you mention jazz music, red-velvet cake and Jesus, who had hair like lamb's wool. You remind this brother that he is actually black. He promptly lists all his nonblack ancestors to distance himself from the race.
5. The Drunk
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He doesn't think he has a drinking problem because he consumes top-shelf booze from a crystal tumbler. This is supposed to separate him from the college student drinking mystery punch from a red cup. But it doesn't matter how or what he drinks if he gets frat-boy wasted all the same. With a few pours in his system, this otherwise mild-mannered and emotionally conservative man is prone to instigating a fight at the club or doing his best Drake impression from "Marvin's Room" and calling you to talk about his feelings. Of course, he remembers none of it the next day.
6. Mr. Disappearing Act
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He was near perfect, like "The God" type but without the God complex. He shows a steady interest by calling and spending time. He has great conversation. After a few months of dating, you tell him, "I really like you." The next day, he drops off the face of the earth. You call and leave a message. You text. You email. No response.
One day, after months of radio silence, he hits you to say, "Hey, what's up?" as if he just spoke to you yesterday.
Generic image (Thinkstock)
At 35 he has two degrees, a six-figure income, no kids and a mortgage. And yes, he's straight. On paper, he sounds ideal. How is he single? Because in person he's a nightmare. He's convinced himself that his presence is a present, and he reminds you of that (and his "accomplishments") at every opportunity.
2. The 'Single' Husband
Generic image (Thinkstock)
Of course you didn't know he was married, or you never would have given him your number. But he conveniently left out that tidbit of info when he approached at happy hour.
You're on the phone with him one late evening and hear a woman's voice in the background. "Who's that?" you ask.
"Oh, that's just my wife," he says casually, as if he's explaining that the dog was barking. "Is that a problem for you?" he inquires.
You don't understand what type of relationship he and his wife have, but the point is they have one, and you are out. Click.
3. The Conspiracy Theorist
Generic image (Thinkstock)
Everything boils down to someone trying to keep a brother, well, down. A fictitious TV heroine dating a white guy? The white man devaluing black love. He gets cut off in traffic? The white man trying to make him late for work. Valentine's Day? Another way the white man gets the black man to spend money to keep a brother broke.
4. The Brother Who Doesn't Really Like Black People
Generic image (Thinkstock)
If you published the transcript to any of his rants on what's wrong with black people, it would read like the minutes from a KKK meeting. According to him, the sum of black culture is baby daddies, piss-poor morality, consumerism and fried chicken. In defense of black people you mention jazz music, red-velvet cake and Jesus, who had hair like lamb's wool. You remind this brother that he is actually black. He promptly lists all his nonblack ancestors to distance himself from the race.
5. The Drunk
Generic image (Thinkstock)
He doesn't think he has a drinking problem because he consumes top-shelf booze from a crystal tumbler. This is supposed to separate him from the college student drinking mystery punch from a red cup. But it doesn't matter how or what he drinks if he gets frat-boy wasted all the same. With a few pours in his system, this otherwise mild-mannered and emotionally conservative man is prone to instigating a fight at the club or doing his best Drake impression from "Marvin's Room" and calling you to talk about his feelings. Of course, he remembers none of it the next day.
6. Mr. Disappearing Act
Thinkstock
He was near perfect, like "The God" type but without the God complex. He shows a steady interest by calling and spending time. He has great conversation. After a few months of dating, you tell him, "I really like you." The next day, he drops off the face of the earth. You call and leave a message. You text. You email. No response.
One day, after months of radio silence, he hits you to say, "Hey, what's up?" as if he just spoke to you yesterday.
