Women proposing marriage

[melonpecan]

Ok, so I get the mini lowdown on someone I know who basically said "I gave him an ultimatum - either we get married or I'm out".


Women - could you give this type of ultimatum? I mean if you could, (or did), what was your reasons behind it?


And men - what would you do if a chick told you this?

 

[MCP]

Personally I feel that this could be seen as emotional blackmail by the woman.

Can you imagine if the man said that to a woman, how would that be perceived?

 

[onyxfemme]

Never-if a dude doesnt want to marry me....An ultimatum would make me look desperate and immature. Screw that.

 

[kjxxxx]

If I loved her and was going to marry her in the first place I'd just run to the chapel or the JP. Not really a big deal if I wanted to marry her already. So lets say she got 2 kids for me and we living together and I don't really have any plans of going elsewhere. No big deal either.

The problem for the guy starts now when he has to deal with; does she want to get married or does she want a wedding.

 

[KW13537]

If you feel that you need to give your man an ultimatum to marry you, you already know what you need to know about your relationship.

 

[melonpecan]

Personally I feel that this could be seen as emotional blackmail by the woman.

Can you imagine if the man said that to a woman, how would that be perceived?

MOST women want to get married so if this was coming from a man I'd probably have to sit down and reevaluate who I am as a woman because obviously he might think I'm smoking ash.

Never-if a dude doesnt want to marry me....An ultimatum would make me look desperate and immature. Screw that.

That was my impression. Am I so desperate to get married that I have to resort to such an ultimatum?

If I loved her and was going to marry her in the first place I'd just run to the chapel or the JP. Not really a big deal if I wanted to marry her already. So lets say she got 2 kids for me and we living together and I don't really have any plans of going elsewhere. No big deal either.

The problem for the guy starts now when he has to deal with; does she want to get married or does she want a wedding.

I get the difference between getting married and wanting a wedding but from a mans perspective, how is one worse than the other?

If you feel that you need to give your man an ultimatum to marry you, you already know what you need to know about your relationship.

What I'm wondering is why a man will stay with a chick for years but won't marry...what is the logic behind that?

 

[SickMyDuck]

I got an ultimatum... I let her bounce.

 

[melonpecan]

I got an ultimatum... I let her bounce.

It's just interesting to me how people can demand something so simple but for whatever reason it's hard. I mean if a chick been with you for 15 years and ya'll not married why not? Why not after 3 years? Would you as a dude be more insulted if she gave you an ultimatum after 5 years as opposed to 5 months?



Could you still respect a chick that you been with for five years but she has no aspirations of marriage at all?

 

[Robot vs. Lion]

It's not that big of a problem.

Either you leave or you stay if someone wants to be married and you've been in a relationship for years already...

Why should someone have to hold up their life goals for your slow ass?

I'd take it as a compliment.

she wants me around that bad.

Something's wrong with you if you're with a person long enough to receive an ultimatum and you don't want to make it solid. Simple solution is to just break it off and part ways.

 

[kjxxxx]

... That was my impression. Am I so desperate to get married that I have to resort to such an ultimatum?

In this case this is not a bad ultimatum. she has certain goals for herself and being married to the person she is living with for a while is not a bad thing. If the guy has no intention of marrying her then she will know and be able to move on to someone who wants to marry her or she can decide if she wants to still stay with him knowing what she knows.

...

I get the difference between getting married and wanting a wedding but from a mans perspective, how is one worse than the other?

You can get married anytime anywhere basically. Quite simple.
Wedding on the other hand is a long drawn out process.

For most men we go along with the wedding thing because we love the woman it want to please her. All we care about is that we get the woman and that she is happy with him, especially if he is doing what is in his control to make her happy. OK wedding is a party and we are thinking pass that. The real work starts after the wedding. Too many people call it quits after the wedding and honeymoon is over. Will there be an Ultimatum after the wedding? That's the scary thought. Is she a lifer or is she the till we find fault type?

...
.....
What I'm wondering is why a man will stay with a chick for years but won't marry...what is the logic behind that?

"A part of the why by the cow when the milk is free thing" - Got that from the Rodney Dangerfield movie.
- With no marriage there is a sense that they can call it quits anytime.
- She may not want to get married and he rather takes what he can get from her. She has ultimatums for getting married that he hasn't fullfilled yet. Things on her deal breaker list. She not accepting him as he is and still trying to change him
- He'd rather stay with the devil he knows now that to try and train a new one a little bit or to have a new one train him again.
- Waiting on finance for wedding as she may want a wedding more than to get married or he may feel she deserves a nice wedding he can't afford yet. A lot of times this is the main one. I think a lot of women would be married if they would just go for simple get married thing. Go on vacation and get married there without the fanfare. (vegas, Hawaii, Jamaica, Caribbean, Mexico, etc). If you don't believe me causually suggest it to some dude including that you'll pay for it so he doesn't have the money objection and see if they not going to agree or at least postpone it but not say no.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I don't think i'd ever do something like this. If you wanted to marry me you would have already. Somewhere along the lines we would have had to discuss this. We would have had to come to this conclusion that i want to get married. And if you as a MAN haven't done so by now? Then you don't want to marry me. And i'm going to leave anyway.

Is it blackmail? I don't think so. I think it's a statement of what she wants.

 

[KW13537]

What I'm wondering is why a man will stay with a chick for years but won't marry...what is the logic behind that?

Something an old-timer told me that rings true: women marry men for their potential, men marry women for the actual.

Guys hear that women change once you marry them and that's their greatest fear. Women stop doing all the things that they used to do when they were trying to get you and keep you. Then, once the wedding takes place, all those things stop. I've heard from many men; as soon as you get married, oral sex stops, then regular sex gets less and less frequent and your woman stops doing all the things that made the relationship special. If that's the case, what's a man's incentive to get married? A man already knows that it puts him at a disadvantage financially to get married if a divorce occurs. 95% of the time, if there are children involved, a court will dictate how much of his income goes to his now ex-wife to care for their kids (wife almost always gets custody, so why even fight?) He can only see them when she allows it and if she doesn't, the courts won't punish her. Going to court means retaining a lawyer, which costs even more money, so now you have to get dictated to by your ex-wife on how you deal with your children.

I know that this all sounds really bad, but these are the things that go through a man's mind in that situation. So for him, marriage is a poor risk. Why mess up something that seems to be going so well?

On a personal level, I've been with my wife for 26 years, married for 20 and have 4 kids ranging in age of 8 to 21. Why did we make it? Because we realized that the more work you put into a relationship, the more you'll get out of it. Communication is the key. People are way too selfish to have the marriages that our grandparents had.

 

[dHustla]

 

[dHustla]

Never-if a dude doesnt want to marry me....An ultimatum would make me look desperate and immature. Screw that.

So, does that mean you would just leave?

Or would you compromise and stay happy?

 

[dHustla]

What I'm wondering is why a man will stay with a chick for years but won't marry...what is the logic behind that?

Ahem...

Some men.....scratch that... I don't want to be married.

I wouldn't mind a long dedicated relationship, but marriage isn't everybody's end game. I don't want to open up this can of worms again, so I'll just say that the risks greatly outweigh the benefits.... even if I don't plan on going anywhere and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I guess, essentially, it's damage control if she ever decides to leave. Not that I would abandon her or want her to be nothing without me but I won't be held to others' standards especially when said "others'" had/have nothing to do with my relationship. We worked it out to get together, we'll work it out in separating.

 

[dHustla]

It's just interesting to me how people can demand something so simple but for whatever reason it's hard. I mean if a chick been with you for 15 years and ya'll not married why not? Why not after 3 years? Would you as a dude be more insulted if she gave you an ultimatum after 5 years as opposed to 5 months?

I can only speak for myself, it's not so much the time, it's more that she has the audacity to want to dictate the terms of the relationship when she's not in the relationship alone.
I also don't like being told what to do. I would be insulted that she thinks she can/could get any kind of positive results out of me with an ultimatum.

Could you still respect a chick that you been with for five years but she has no aspirations of marriage at all?

I could respect her just fine, if she respects me. With that being said, we would be able to move on amicably.

 

[dHustla]

It's not that big of a problem.

Either you leave or you stay if someone wants to be married and you've been in a relationship for years already...

Why should someone have to hold up their life goals for your slow ass?

I'd take it as a compliment.

she wants me around that bad.

Something's wrong with you if you're with a person long enough to receive an ultimatum and you don't want to make it solid. Simple solution is to just break it off and part ways.

What is "make it solid"?

Committing to someone isn't solid?

That piece of paper only means that you're validating your relationship by other people's standards.

I need no validation from anyone

 

[kjxxxx]

WTF!!!!

What's up with these women talking about looking desperate and all that other negative shit.

Whatever happen to I'm a smart, independent, take charge, go for mine, 50/50/we equal, black women. So for whatever reason the man doesn't propose, you believe that in this modern society you shouldn't be direct and put yourself out there the same way that the man has to and propose or express exactly how you feel to him. That is what communication is. You are being honest with the guy. You tell him you want to get married, prefereable to him and whatever else you need to say. What is desperate about that? That is being direct. That is communication. He doesn't have to guess shit becuase you told him and you both can discuss it.

 

[dHustla]

Something an old-timer told me that rings true: women marry men for their potential, men marry women for the actual.

Guys hear that women change once you marry them and that's their greatest fear. Women stop doing all the things that they used to do when they were trying to get you and keep you. Then, once the wedding takes place, all those things stop. I've heard from many men; as soon as you get married, oral sex stops, then regular sex gets less and less frequent and your woman stops doing all the things that made the relationship special. If that's the case, what's a man's incentive to get married? A man already knows that it puts him at a disadvantage financially to get married if a divorce occurs. 95% of the time, if there are children involved, a court will dictate how much of his income goes to his now ex-wife to care for their kids (wife almost always gets custody, so why even fight?) He can only see them when she allows it and if she doesn't, the courts won't punish her. Going to court means retaining a lawyer, which costs even more money, so now you have to get dictated to by your ex-wife on how you deal with your children.

I know that this all sounds really bad, but these are the things that go through a man's mind in that situation. So for him, marriage is a poor risk. Why mess up something that seems to be going so well?

On a personal level, I've been with my wife for 26 years, married for 20 and have 4 kids ranging in age of 8 to 21. Why did we make it? Because we realized that the more work you put into a relationship, the more you'll get out of it. Communication is the key. People are way too selfish to have the marriages that our grandparents had.

As a younger man(29), I applaud you! Seriously. I know I sound like I'm all against marriage, but it's really more that it isn't for me. I haven't seen relationships last long. My personal experience with relationships is that of an inevitable separation, loneliness, feelings of abandonment, untrustworthiness, lack of support, I could go on but you get my point. So I can appreciate someone that combated all of these things and came out a winner.

I'd like to ask a question about that last line. Why do you think that people are "too selfish"?
Where does the selfishness come from?

 

[dHustla]

WTF!!!!

What's up with these women talking about looking desperate and all that other negative shit.

Whatever happen to I'm a smart, independent, take charge, go for mine, 50/50/we equal, black women. So for whatever reason the man doesn't propose, you believe that in this modern society you shouldn't be direct and put yourself out there the same way that the man has to and propose or express exactly how you feel to him. That is what communication is. You are being honest with the guy. You tell him you want to get married, prefereable to him and whatever else you need to say. What is desperate about that? That is being direct. That is communication. He doesn't have to guess shit becuase you told him and you both can discuss it.

It's too much like right, bruh.

 

[Robot vs. Lion]

What is "make it solid"?

Committing to someone isn't solid?

That piece of paper only means that you're validating your relationship by other people's standards.

I need no validation from anyone

Who said anything about a piece of paper?

Don't play dumb.

 

[followup]

that is not right. It is a complete reversal of the roles. Plus, let's say the guy ended up marrying her. When ever things got tough or they were having problems, he would throw that in her face. 'Oh but you were BEGGING me to marry you' blah blah blah. We have to stop being so desperate. If a man does not want you, leave him be. Stop being boyfriend and girlfriend for 5 and 10 years waiting for who knows what.

 

[followup]

WTF!!!!

What's up with these women talking about looking desperate and all that other negative shit.

Whatever happen to I'm a smart, independent, take charge, go for mine, 50/50/we equal, black women. So for whatever reason the man doesn't propose, you believe that in this modern society you shouldn't be direct and put yourself out there the same way that the man has to and propose or express exactly how you feel to him. That is what communication is. You are being honest with the guy. You tell him you want to get married, prefereable to him and whatever else you need to say. What is desperate about that? That is being direct. That is communication. He doesn't have to guess shit becuase you told him and you both can discuss it.

We are very equal, but different (a woman can be smart, independent, take charge, go for mine and still have her man be the head of the household ). Can not have one without the other. At the same time, there are roles for both men and women to play. For those who believe the man should be the head of the household, then he should be the one who assembles the household. Yes we can talk about our future and what we are both looking for, but if he does not end up asking a woman to be with him for life, then she should move on. That is a strong message.

 

[Liquidheater]

WTF!!!!

What's up with these women talking about looking desperate and all that other negative shit.

Whatever happen to I'm a smart, independent, take charge, go for mine, 50/50/we equal, black women. So for whatever reason the man doesn't propose, you believe that in this modern society you shouldn't be direct and put yourself out there the same way that the man has to and propose or express exactly how you feel to him. That is what communication is. You are being honest with the guy. You tell him you want to get married, prefereable to him and whatever else you need to say. What is desperate about that? That is being direct. That is communication. He doesn't have to guess shit becuase you told him and you both can discuss it.

Agree.

If you want to be in an marriage, then it should not be a secret. Your relationship should have marriage as the end goal of dating. This info should be obvious to both parties engaged in the relationship.

At whatever point in the process either party decides that they don't want to follow thru with marriage in a reasonable time frame, then the relationship should be dissolved so the other party can move on to pursue another suitable partner.

Lazy, selfish and self-serving folks need to fall back and stop handcuffing the lives and goals of other folks.

 

[dHustla]

Who said anything about a piece of paper?

Don't play dumb.

I'm not playing dumb.

If not the piece of paper, what makes it solid?

Why not just commit and carry on without marriage?

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Why should marriage be the be all end all? If you've been with someone for a certain amount of time, then what's the big deal? Why get married? Why go through that process? If things are working fine as they are? Why not just let htem work?

 

[followup]

every body does not believe in marriage. If you do not believe in marriage, then the statements about marriage do not apply to you.

 

[dHustla]

Why should marriage be the be all end all? If you've been with someone for a certain amount of time, then what's the big deal? Why get married? Why go through that process? If things are working fine as they are? Why not just let htem work?

preach!

 

[Crown&Coke]

A woman would be better off asking me to marry her than trying to give me an ultimatum. Even if I was planning on marrying her, the ultimatum would make me rethink some things.

Like someone above said, alot of things go through a mans mind when it comes to marriage. IMO an ulitimatum makes me feel like you more concerned with saying you are a wife and having a wedding moreso than actually working on the relationship​

 

[REMINGTON_BLACK]

It has happen to me a few times and everything I said bye.

 

[classydread]

Communication is key. If the mutual goal isn't towards marriage, then a ultimatum is useless. I wouldn't want a man to propose to me because of an ultimatum, I want it to be on his own free will. If I ever feel like I have to give an ultimatum, then I know it's time to move on.

 

[kjxxxx]

NEWSFLASH!!!! NEWS FLASH!!!!

JUST IN CASE YOU WOMEN DIDN"T REALIZE/KNOW

IT's ALWAYS BEEN IMPLIED THAT THERE WAS AN ULTIMATUM TO GET MARRIED ONCE MEN/WOMEN WERE DATING. Based on the response most of you women gave it's obvious that you know of it but prabably didn't think of it that way and you think the men should know of it also. The only difference in this case is that the miss brought it to the frontline with a timeline.

... For those who believe the man should be the head of the household, then he should be the one who assembles the household. ...
if he does not end up asking a woman to be with him for life, then she should move on. That is a strong message.

I know of some successful relationship where the women proposed to the men and they had successful mariages. Those women knew they wanted the men for life and didn't see the point of waiting for him to ask them. They felt the man was a good man and wanted him off the market. Another thing they said was "I couldn't wait for him to take his sweat time."

NO one is being pressured. He can say no and bounce. Anyone in a marriage can have buyers remorse. There is a proposal and an acceptance (and hopefully no shot gun).

AS FOR THE ROLES: Roles in relationship is whatever is agreed upon. The relationship can start out with some of the assumed traditional roles but in the end it's what the couple decides. A woman decide what kind of man she wants and then if he comes her way she keeps him or she can seek him or she can take on and try to mold him into what she wants using various methods (nag).

 

[KW13537]

As a younger man(29), I applaud you! Seriously. I know I sound like I'm all against marriage, but it's really more that it isn't for me. I haven't seen relationships last long. My personal experience with relationships is that of an inevitable separation, loneliness, feelings of abandonment, untrustworthiness, lack of support, I could go on but you get my point. So I can appreciate someone that combated all of these things and came out a winner.

I'd like to ask a question about that last line. Why do you think that people are "too selfish"?
Where does the selfishness come from?

I just think this has become the ME generation. I hear so many people talking about what they want, but you never hear anyone talking about what they are willing to give. In everything we do as people, it seems as if we strive to get everything for nothing. Anything that doesn't give us immediate satisfaction is disposable or unworthy. The 80 - 20 rule went out the window. Communication and compromise became bad things.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

Ok, so I get the mini lowdown on someone I know who basically said "I gave him an ultimatum - either we get married or I'm out".


Women - could you give this type of ultimatum? I mean if you could, (or did), what was your reasons behind it?


And men - what would you do if a chick told you this?

If I wanted to marry her, I'd do it but if I didnt, we would come to an end. I appreciate women taking control of their lives. If you want to get married, let the other party know. Piss or get off the pot.
Some dudes want to marry a woman but are uncertain what she's going to say or they're trying to be at a certain place financially/professionally before they propose. If, as a woman, your attitude is "Fuck that, let's get it done" then make it happen.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

What is "make it solid"?

Committing to someone isn't solid?

That piece of paper only means that you're validating your relationship by other people's standards.

I need no validation from anyone

No offense, D but that's horseshit. In no other contract would you just "shake on it" and go by someone's word, you would put it on paper. There is no contract bigger than marriage. That piece of paper is absolutely validation (but not a guarantee) because everything else is just talk.