20 Questions to ask your SO before tying the knot.

[femmenoire]

What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O></O>
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v Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?<O></O>
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v How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?<O></O>
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v What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means, and through what efforts?<O></O>
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v What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, auto insurance, travel, light, water, gas, groceries, entertainment, miscellaneous, savings, gasoline, cable, internet, cell phones, home phone, car payment, credit cards)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to able to spend? <O></O>
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v How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?<O></O>
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v If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?<O></O>
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v How ambitious are your? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?<O></O>
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v Am I comfortable giving and receiving love, sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?<O></O>
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v Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?<O></O>
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v Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?<O></O>
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v Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g. smoking, excessive dieting, excessive eating, poor diet)?<O></O>
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v What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out of town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?<O></O>
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v If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have to their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together? <O></O>
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v Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?<O></O>
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v How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?<O></O>
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v Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friend we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?<O></O>
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v What are my partner’s needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside of our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?<O></O>
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v Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?<O></O>
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v Does each one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other’s choices?



So what do you guys think? Too indepth? Clearly these are difficult questions but I must admit I think they are all good.

 

[Lyricallye]

Sounds soooooo soo sooo good on paper. But people will give the best expected responses and then get in the marriage and do whatever they feel..work early, work late, add new expenses, get pissed when you do..even tho it was laid out so nicely in the pre-marriage questionnaire. lol, u kno?

 

[femmenoire]

Sounds soooooo soo sooo good on paper. But people will give the best expected responses and then get in the marriage and do whatever they feel..work early, work late, add new expenses, get pissed when you do..even tho it was laid out so nicely in the pre-marriage questionnaire. lol, u kno?

Good point. But at least its discussed. So even if you do change your mind you can always say, well we discussed it. I think its worse when people say, well we never discussed having children or discipline. We never discussed finances, etc.

I know of marriages that fell apart because one person didn't want to move their family because of a job. It was never discussed although evidence showed that this was a possibility.

 

[Iron]

^^^^^

Yeah. These questions just sound nice on paper.

 

[RAULDK]

you forgot one:

to the women;
do you swallow? and if not will you be willing to learn?
and if not do you mind if i find someone who does? and if not will you then swallow? and if not are you willing to scram? and if not then you must swallow.

 

[Lyricallye]

Good point. But at least its discussed. So even if you do change your mind you can always say, well we discussed it. I think its worse when people say, well we never discussed having children or discipline. We never discussed finances, etc.

I know of marriages that fell apart because one person didn't want to move their family because of a job. It was never discussed although evidence showed that this was a possibility.

true but just cause i had one feeling when we got married at 25 doesnt mean im not going to want to take an amazing opportunity in Germany at 35 when my career might have changed so much. I agree, it should be talked about..but sometimes it's just like a moot argument because feelings will change....definitely

 

[Imhotep]

...............

 

[Harlem's Angel]

These conversations, in a not so formal way, need to be discussed constantly because things are always changing in life and in relationships.
But it is sad to think that people don't have these kinds of questions for their significant others.

 

[onyxfemme]

Gotta agree sounds good on paper I say get to know the person long enough before talking marriage, and the you will get the answer to 90% of those questions.

 

[alyric]

when run down a list like that...uh no . it's enough to scare off most anyone from commitment.

but they are all valid questions that need to be addressed, either through a conscious effort throughout the lifespan of the pre-marriage relationship or through pre-marriage counseling, which should, by the way, be longer than a 2 hour session that's scratched off the "to do" list on the way to the altar.

 

[Adam Knows]

the real questions that needed to be asked in addition to those:

How's your credit? What outstanding debts do you have?

Do you have any felonies in your past?

Would you be willing to submit to a blood test?

Would you be willing to submit to a background check?

Is there a history of mental illness in your family?

Have you worked 3 or more jobs in one year?

Are you currently married?


i'm sure i'll get the negative remarks but they are questions you should ask...

 

[onyxfemme]

True..true, hell these should be asked right off the back once the thought of a serious relationship creeps in.

the real questions that needed to be asked in addition to those:

How's your credit? What outstanding debts do you have?

Do you have any felonies in your past?

Would you be willing to submit to a blood test?

Would you be willing to submit to a background check?

Is there a history of mental illness in your family?

Have you worked 3 or more jobs in one year?

Are you currently married?


i'm sure i'll get the negative remarks but they are questions you should ask...

 

[Digital Angel]

I "cyber luv" you Femme but I'm sorry none of us can really answer what we will do ten years from now.
Unlike finding a job a husband/wife will inevitably change over the course of time.
If you LOVE, HONOR and RESPECT one another you will....
1. In touch with Reality -recognize the changes that have taken place.
2. Communication is key -Discuss these changes with your loved one.
3. Honesty always the best policy -Keep it real as to whether you are willing to do anything about the changes.

Of course these same guidelines go both ways accountability falls on both sides in a bad relationship.

1. Reality- don't lie to yourself if something doesn't seem right trust your gut regardless of what your told

2. Communication- Let him know when you catch him slippin You may be able to end or repair a situation before it gets out of hand.

3. Honesty- Don't tell yourself your settling for less when you know you can't/or wont settle.



This routine must occur constantly for a "real" relationship to work.

 

[followup]

Do you take medications for any reason?

 

[actinanass]

do you think putting a brick in my car's window will ever solve a relationship problem?

 

[Pussy Krook]

Very romantic

 

[Harlem's Angel]

Very romantic

 

[p5ych3]

after breaking off an engagement these are questions i'll ask before becoming serious.
i'm not going to wait till marriage. after i slipped that ring on her finger it was like she
became a completely different person.

 

[Dannyblueyes]

the real questions that needed to be asked in addition to those:

How's your credit? What outstanding debts do you have?

Do you have any felonies in your past?

Would you be willing to submit to a blood test?

Would you be willing to submit to a background check?

Is there a history of mental illness in your family?

Have you worked 3 or more jobs in one year?

Are you currently married?


i'm sure i'll get the negative remarks but they are questions you should ask...

The problem with general questions about relationship goals, values, and such is that too often one partner (usually the woman) will agree to something she doesn't really believe in try to manipulate or force the issue after.

Your questions on the other hand are almost completely bullshit proof. Either you have debts or you don't. If you do it's pretty hard to hide

 

[absolutvodka]

the first 8 questions were about money.....those are the kind of women to avoid.

 

[Adam Knows]

the first 8 questions were about money.....those are the kind of women to avoid.

not regarding those questions i wouldn't think to avoid a woman because

another question:

would you sign a prenup???



that is the one questioned that ended many relationships for me but i had to hold fast on that one

 

[Digital Angel]

not regarding those questions i wouldn't think to avoid a woman because

another question:

would you sign a prenup???



that is the one questioned that ended many relationships for me but i had to hold fast on that one

Fuck a prenup. Unless your Bill Gates and I'm Oprah there's no reason to sign anything but the marriage license But Don I'm sure I can find a FAT chick to sign one for ya LOL

 

[doggish_098]

first three questions would end it all...
two types of money bill money and the rest is my money

 

[Noir]

Though they may seem a bit antiseptic, the questions by femme and DaDon are important. While it is hard to answer questions about 5-10 years in the future and people can change, I think it is the approach and types of answers to the questions that are more important.

If the couple approaches the answers honesty and openly, and decide to tackle some of the ones they may not have wondered about (housekeeping, bill paying, religion, etc.) it shows that communication is there and in the future other decisions could be approached openly by the couple.

If one party or the other does not put too much weight on the questions, or is evasive, it is a warning of how they lightly view the topic, or a sign that communication could be a problem in the union and perhaps second thoughts should be made about marrying that person.

 

[Noir]

Fuck a prenup. Unless your Bill Gates and I'm Oprah there's no reason to sign anything but the marriage license But Don I'm sure I can find a FAT chick to sign one for ya LOL

You don't need to be rich to have a prenup. There may be items you have before your marriage (family heirlooms, jewelry, comic-book collection, etc.) that you want to make sure you keep and is not sold when settling marital assets. Hell, there are people who do not care whether the house is sold, car given away, or the kids are split in two, but they want to keep their cat or dog.

 

[Adam Knows]

Fuck a prenup. Unless your Bill Gates and I'm Oprah there's no reason to sign anything but the marriage license But Don I'm sure I can find a FAT chick to sign one for ya LOL

the attitude of many black woman towards the subject of prenups. some fail to see the true purpose of a prenup.

of course there's really no need if your making say 50k a month each and you both bought the major assets going into your marriage. the thought of having one if you have no real assets at all is asinine.

but when you have a million dollar corp structure up, employees who could lose their jobs over an irresponsible invididuals failure to have a prenup in place it's kinda obvious...

it goes more deeper then just a "trust" issue between a couple, its smart thinking.

 

[SEXY_SCORPIO]

Very romantic

I know right

 

[Dannyblueyes]

the attitude of many black woman towards the subject of prenups. some fail to see the true purpose of a prenup.

of course there's really no need if your making say 50k a month each and you both bought the major assets going into your marriage. the thought of having one if you have no real assets at all is asinine.

but when you have a million dollar corp structure up, employees who could lose their jobs over an irresponsible invididuals failure to have a prenup in place it's kinda obvious...

it goes more deeper then just a "trust" issue between a couple, its smart thinking.

Even if you have no assets at all you never know what could happen in your life. You could be broke as a joke when you get married. You finish school and get a better job, get promoted, get an inheritance, etc. At that point not only do you have more assets your whole style of living has changed. Since you finally got that recording contract you need to spend more time making music than ever before. Now that you got that police badge you're working long, inconvenient hours and putting your life in danger every day. These kinds of things can stress a marriage and make a post-nuptial almost impossible.

In that case not only is the pre-nup important, but don't get married until you've achieved your dream. That way your wife knows what you do and what it requires from the start.

 

[Adam Knows]

Very romantic

say what you want but you'd be a fool going into a marriage not asking any of those questions....

 

[LoneStar29]

Pre-nup's have everything to do with trust as far as I'm concerned ... I would NEVER sign one ... I'd rather just not marry him and we can stay boyfriend/girlfriend forever

 

[Adam Knows]

Pre-nup's have everything to do with trust as far as I'm concerned ... I would NEVER sign one ... I'd rather just not marry him and we can stay boyfriend/girlfriend forever

as high as the divorce rates are i see how those who need it would think twice about not using it.

plus it's not about "trust". everyone goes into marriage with only the best intentions. but you have to look out for your interests.

most won't see it as that though because you have nothing to lose.

 

[Stumpy1]

do you think putting a brick in my car's window will ever solve a relationship problem?

 

[absolutvodka]

Pre-nup's have everything to do with trust as far as I'm concerned ... I would NEVER sign one ... I'd rather just not marry him and we can stay boyfriend/girlfriend forever

as if you trust your boyfriends 100%.

 

[Adam Knows]

Even if you have no assets at all you never know what could happen in your life. You could be broke as a joke when you get married. You finish school and get a better job, get promoted, get an inheritance, etc. At that point not only do you have more assets your whole style of living has changed. Since you finally got that recording contract you need to spend more time making music than ever before. Now that you got that police badge you're working long, inconvenient hours and putting your life in danger every day. These kinds of things can stress a marriage and make a post-nuptial almost impossible.

i disagree.

that's the sort of example that puts pre and post nuptials in a bad light. what you make after your married is "community property" you just can't up and say prenup 2 years into your marriage and you hit the lottery, nor can you do it on a whim of what could/should/would.

that's like most of these kats around here screaming about golddiggers, yet have no gold for them to be going after to begin with.

 

[Shadow]

See how all the women are getting mad at the thought? Tells you something.

DA DON has a point and most of the women here refuse to see it.

True love my ass, protect you interests because marriage is a fucking business.

Too many people are going into it lightly, and I was one of them my first go round.

While I would like to get married again one day, if I was a situation where my assets/company/lifestyle would be hanging in the balance, I would damn sure ask you about signing one.

If the woman I was with was rich, she'd damn sure be asking me.

Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit you're feeding yourselves.