real talk - tell the real reason why you are not in a relationship ?

[SWATLANTA]

I do agree about the conditional aspect except for my friendships. They seem to be able to withstand time and troubles. So why can't I have the same expectation of a romantic relationship?

That's why I wonder if men and women really do try to make things work. I don't think they do. I think people in general are too selfish.

Femme, I agree on all counts. I am guilty of being selfish and I know that some of the females that I have been with have also been guilty of it. Good relationships are hard work and people aren't willing to put in the effort it takes to maintain them.

 

[mc2]

This has been on my mind for a minute. I guess everytime I really wanna go to the next level, I get the cold feet. I'm honest, it really ain't about chasing pussy, or being a bacholer anymore, I've gotten so use to being alone, that it's a big part of me. Yesterday was really tough. My family (the women) ganged up on me, about having a wife, children. My mom is all over me about that. I told her, I respected her enough not to have children with a woman that i didn't truly love. All day they matched me up with women from church, they're friends daughters, all kinds of women, that shit was crazy. My dad says I did the right thing, by not settling, but he did ask me, was there anybody special.

I know what you mean. I've been by myself for a while and now ive been involved with a new girl for a few months. I like her but she wants to be around me 24/7 and i need to ask her to leave sometimes.. She wants to take the next step and move in, but im at odds because I think she'll drive me crazy...

 

[LurkDiggler]

I know what you mean. I've been by myself for a while and now ive been involved with a new girl for a few months. I like her but she wants to be around me 24/7 and i need to ask her to leave sometimes.. She wants to take the next step and move in, but im at odds because I think she'll drive me crazy...

If that is your gut feeling -- you probably either want to move on or give it some more time before acquiescing to this

Been there, done exactly THAT (move in, didn't work).

You BOTH need to be willingly ready for this.

Peace

 

[BrklynBorn]

I do agree about the conditional aspect except for my friendships. They seem to be able to withstand time and troubles. So why can't I have the same expectation of a romantic relationship?

That's why I wonder if men and women really do try to make things work. I don't think they do. I think people in general are too selfish.

That's right sister, selfish and crazier than a mufucka. People don't work it out, they give up!!!

 

[femmenoire]

That's right sister, selfish and crazier than a mufucka. People don't work it out, they give up!!!

Every time I see your avatar I can't believe how big that woman's areolas are.

 

[lilsexii]

Two words for me: Trust issues

I have passed on at least three keepers because of my trust issues...

I also don't believe in unconditional love between two people unless it involves a parent and a child. Every other type of relationship is conditional.

You've really said something here...in my experience, those with trust issues are the same people who don't believe in unconditional love...but it's the VERY thing you need for a relationship to last. That type of love ALWAYS has conditions. It's not that it's impossible, but that you have to truly value the relationship above any circumstance that might come up. You have to sacrifice complete control, love even when the person doesn't always deserve it, let yourself be vulnerable at times and be willing to deal with some real shit - the type of shit that can't be ignored. People that are happy in their relationships aren't that way because they don't have issues...they're the ones who have learned how to not give up and love through the bullshit...especially when its hard.

 

[SWATLANTA]

You've really said something here...in my experience, those with trust issues are the same people who don't believe in unconditional love...but it's the VERY thing you need for a relationship to last. That type of love ALWAYS has conditions. It's not that it's impossible, but that you have to truly value the relationship above any circumstance that might come up. You have to sacrifice complete control, love even when the person doesn't always deserve it, let yourself be vulnerable at times and be willing to deal with some real shit - the type of shit that can't be ignored. People that are happy in their relationships aren't that way because they don't have issues...they're the ones who have learned how to not give up and love through the bullshit...especially when its hard.

Everything you said is true, but I can't get past the highlighted part. I don't do vulnerable...

And as far as the unconditonal love thing goes, it will never exist with me. You cheat and i'm gone (no excuses or questions asked), have no regard for financial stability and i'm out, do something to hurt one of my kids and it is over.

 

[Izayoi]

Everything you said is true, but I can't get past the highlighted part. I don't do vulnerable...

I understand I used to be the same way and through a series of strange events I was made vulnerable and in retrospect it was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. I didn't realize how much you close yourself off in an effort to defend yourself from others. I can be affectionate/loving to a depth now I could not before.

 

[lilsexii]

Everything you said is true, but I can't get past the highlighted part. I don't do vulnerable...

And as far as the unconditonal love thing goes, it will never exist with me. You cheat and i'm gone (no excuses or questions asked), have no regard for financial stability and i'm out, do something to hurt one of my kids and it is over.

Vulnerable doesn't necessarily mean weak. You have to be able to let your guard down and let that person see you for who you really are - the good, the bad and the ugly. That's the only way to achieve real intimacy. Otherwise, you could end up married to someone who you don't really know that well...then those issues you mentioned - cheating, financial incompatibility, abuse and others - could blindside you.

 

[Mt. Yukon]

Everything you said is true, but I can't get past the highlighted part. I don't do vulnerable...

And as far as the unconditonal love thing goes, it will never exist with me. You cheat and i'm gone (no excuses or questions asked), have no regard for financial stability and i'm out, do something to hurt one of my kids and it is over.

Never got the whole unconditional love shit. Man and beast, okay yeah, I love my dog no matter what and Im sure he feels the same way, but among people??? People are all about themselves, self preservation is encoded into our DNA therefore I dont believe a person can put anothers wants and needs before there own and not want something in return. Mother, offspring relationship not included. People say Im negative to think this way, but Im realistic. People dont do nice shit for other people just cause, even when I give the dude on the bridge a couple bucks, its really because If I were in his position I would want someone to do it for me and I believe in karma. Im relationships I do nice shit to "put money in the bank" for when I fuck up or need or want something later. No one does shit just to be nice.

 

[Izayoi]

Vulnerable doesn't necessarily mean weak. You have to be able to let your guard down and let that person see you for who you really are - the good, the bad and the ugly. That's the only way to achieve real intimacy. Otherwise, you could end up married to someone who you don't really know that well...then those issues you mentioned - cheating, financial incompatibility, abuse and others - could blindside you.

c/s. Self disclosure is a mothaphucka!

 

[LurkDiggler]

Vulnerable doesn't necessarily mean weak. You have to be able to let your guard down and let that person see you for who you really are - the good, the bad and the ugly. That's the only way to achieve real intimacy. Otherwise, you could end up married to someone who you don't really know that well...then those issues you mentioned - cheating, financial incompatibility, abuse and others - could blindside you.

Definitely have to agree on this point.

Respect

 

[lilsexii]

Never got the whole unconditional love shit. Man and beast, okay yeah, I love my dog no matter what and Im sure he feels the same way, but among people??? People are all about themselves, self preservation is encoded into our DNA therefore I dont believe a person can put anothers wants and needs before there own and not want something in return. Mother, offspring relationship not included. People say Im negative to think this way, but Im realistic. People dont do nice shit for other people just cause, even when I give the dude on the bridge a couple bucks, its really because If I were in his position I would want someone to do it for me and I believe in karma. Im relationships I do nice shit to "put money in the bank" for when I fuck up or need or want something later. No one does shit just to be nice.

Because its bigger than you. For example, forgiveness is not about the person being forgiven, it's about the forgiver. Harboring resentment doesn't hurt the person who did you wrong, it hurts you. Let that shit go - in the long run, it only causes more harm than good. If we were only forgiven when we deserved it, the world would be much more fucked up than it is now. It's not about being nice, its about remaining focused on the big picture - that committed relationship. It's funny how people can understand it when it comes to a parent/child relationship, but not when it comes to love. The key is being in a relationship with someone who feels the same way about it. When you give unconditional love to someone who will exploit it, you get hurt. If you share it with someone who values it as much as you do - you have a great marriage.

 

[bigirl]

I also don't believe in unconditional love between two people unless it involves a parent and a child.

even that relationship/love is not always unconditional

 

[SWATLANTA]

I understand I used to be the same way and through a series of strange events I was made vulnerable and in retrospect it was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. I didn't realize how much you close yourself off in an effort to defend yourself from others. I can be affectionate/loving to a depth now I could not before.

Good advice Izayoi
I guess the good thing with me is that I realize what the (or one of the)issue is...

Vulnerable doesn't necessarily mean weak. You have to be able to let your guard down and let that person see you for who you really are - the good, the bad and the ugly. That's the only way to achieve real intimacy. Otherwise, you could end up married to someone who you don't really know that well...then those issues you mentioned - cheating, financial incompatibility, abuse and others - could blindside you.

I got caught up in a relationship when I was younger that I exposed myself and got burned, ever since then I have been all about protecting my feelings/emotions. It's not good on my part, but it's the truth.

Never got the whole unconditional love shit. Man and beast, okay yeah, I love my dog no matter what and Im sure he feels the same way, but among people??? People are all about themselves, self preservation is encoded into our DNA therefore I dont believe a person can put anothers wants and needs before there own and not want something in return. Mother, offspring relationship not included. People say Im negative to think this way, but Im realistic. People dont do nice shit for other people just cause, even when I give the dude on the bridge a couple bucks, its really because If I were in his position I would want someone to do it for me and I believe in karma. Im relationships I do nice shit to "put money in the bank" for when I fuck up or need or want something later. No one does shit just to be nice.

My long lost brother from another mother...

Because its bigger than you. For example, forgiveness is not about the person being forgiven, it's about the forgiver. Harboring resentment doesn't hurt the person who did you wrong, it hurts you. Let that shit go - in the long run, it only causes more harm than good. If we were only forgiven when we deserved it, the world would be much more fucked up than it is now. It's not about being nice, its about remaining focused on the big picture - that committed relationship. It's funny how people can understand it when it comes to a parent/child relationship, but not when it comes to love. The key is being in a relationship with someone who feels the same way about it. When you give unconditional love to someone who will exploit it, you get hurt. If you share it with someone who values it as much as you do - you have a great marriage.

I truly admire your positivity and wisdom lilsexii...

even that relationship/love is not always unconditional

That was the closest relationship that I could think of (other than Mt. Yukon's example with the dog )...

 

[bigirl]

That was the closest relationship that I could think of (other than Mt. Yukon's example with the dog )...

now human and dog I actually would say is a true unconditional love relationship

btw i have been shit on in past relationships as well and am alot more reserved about what i say or how much i show and i do find it very difficult to trust people but do not feel that i am eternally doomed either. eventually there will be someone who understands me and i think that is the key right there- mutual understnading i just hope i run into it before i am a senior citizen.

 

[SWATLANTA]

now human and dog I actually would say is a true unconditional love relationship

btw i have been shit on in past relationships as well and am alot more reserved about what i say or how much i show and i do find it very difficult to trust people but do not feel that i am eternally doomed either. eventually there will be someone who understands me and i think that is the key right there- mutual understanding i just hope i run into it before i am a senior citizen.

Yeah, I haven't given up hope yet either. I've gotten close, but I still have work to do before I can open up to anybody else.

 

[MartinAsante]

Every time I see your avatar I can't believe how big that woman's areolas are.

I thought that was a bra!!

 

[cameo]

here are the factors. As a child i hated the stereo-types put on black men, lazy, beat their woman, won't work, ya'll know the shit I'm talking about. So I made it personal, to beat the stereo-types !Why do i really need a wife ? I have my routine down pat. I'm a clean, well-groomed, well kept black man, educated, professional. I work, I earn close to about 70,000 dollars a year. I own a home, two rides ( 2007 300C HEMI, and a Escalade pick-up truck). My point is this, I'm really looking for someone to SHARE my hard work with. I'm a personal trainer, bust my ass working my job. I got two clients tomorrow, BEFORE church, my point is I'm looking for a "go-getter" woman, and I can't find anybody that can keep up.

 

[MartinAsante]

here are the factors. As a child i hated the stereo-types put on black men, lazy, beat their woman, won't work, ya'll know the shit I'm talking about. So I made it personal, to beat the stereo-types !Why do i really need a wife ? I have my routine down pat. I'm a clean, well-groomed, well kept black man, educated, professional. I work, I earn close to about 70,000 dollars a year. I own a home, two rides ( 2007 300C HEMI, and a Escalade pick-up truck). My point is this, I'm really looking for someone to SHARE my hard work with. I'm a personal trainer, bust my ass working my job. I got two clients tomorrow, BEFORE church, my point is I'm looking for a "go-getter" woman, and I can't find anybody that can keep up.

I feel you man. I'm handsome, well-kept, sharp-dressed, I got two doctorates (one in rocket science and the other in biomedical engineering), I have a Fortune 500 job, upwardly mobile, I have a side business selling Black produced juice boxes, I make almost 120,000 dollars a year, full benefits, medical, dental, and vision, 401k, I own two homes (one I live in, one I rent to a Guatemalan family), I have the new Range Rover, a silver Mercedes coupe, and a tricked out '67 Chevy Corvette, I got two desktops and one laptop (a MAC), my shoe game is impeccable, my hat game is tremendous. And I know 3 deadly martial arts. I'm looking for a woman that can stand beside me and not behind me.

 

[bigirl]

 

[lilsexii]

I feel you man. I'm handsome, well-kept, sharp-dressed, I got two doctorates (one in rocket science and the other in biomedical engineering), I have a Fortune 500 job, upwardly mobile, I have a side business selling Black produced juice boxes, I make almost 120,000 dollars a year, full benefits, medical, dental, and vision, 401k, I own two homes (one I live in, one I rent to a Guatemalan family), I have the new Range Rover, a silver Mercedes coupe, and a tricked out '67 Chevy Corvette, I got two desktops and one laptop (a MAC), my shoe game is impeccable, my hat game is tremendous. And I know 3 deadly martial arts. I'm looking for a woman that can stand beside me and not behind me.

here are the factors. As a child i hated the stereo-types put on black men, lazy, beat their woman, won't work, ya'll know the shit I'm talking about. So I made it personal, to beat the stereo-types !Why do i really need a wife ? I have my routine down pat. I'm a clean, well-groomed, well kept black man, educated, professional. I work, I earn close to about 70,000 dollars a year. I own a home, two rides ( 2007 300C HEMI, and a Escalade pick-up truck). My point is this, I'm really looking for someone to SHARE my hard work with. I'm a personal trainer, bust my ass working my job. I got two clients tomorrow, BEFORE church, my point is I'm looking for a "go-getter" woman, and I can't find anybody that can keep up.

So, do you think that a woman who doesn't have comparable assets is only after you for your money? Would you be interested in a woman who had the same qualities (hard work, discipline, education, values) but exhibited them in a different area? Like working with kids, community service, taking care of the home, etc.? or does she need to have similar "stuff"?

Also, it may be difficult to find a woman with the same drive and similar lifestyle who also wants children and a domestic lifestyle. If she loves what she's doing, she may want to get married, but she may not want to stop or pause long enough to start a family.

 

[LurkDiggler]

That was SO wrong ... and so funny. ... damn

Peace

 

[AristotlesOwn]

I had to think about this for a while because I've never really questioned myself about this before. However, leave it to your family during the Holidays to pry into your personal life and have you thinking about crap you'd rather not think about.

I won't let my guard down long enough for women to find out who I really am. I am a very cloistered individual when it comes to expressing my true feelings to a woman I might be interested in. In other words, vulnerability isn't my strong suit. It's too much of a game, balancing the machismo side and feelings enough so that you aren't overly aggressive or overly passive. I'm not willing to play that mind/emotional game again just yet. The single life is way too good to me....outside of getting taxed to death because I have no dependents. I come and go as I please with no limits set on time, my phone isn't being blown up every 2 hours unless I want it to be, I flirt unabashedly with whomever I choose, my money goes where I want it to go. Ultimately, it comes down to me being a selfish free spirit.

I'm sure there's a woman out there who could take me on, I just haven't found her yet. Let me be clear when I say that I expect nothing less from a woman than I would expect from myself. Have your flaws, but also bring assets that will last beyond beauty or pussy.

Just call me Alex Hitchins

 

[Twistyaaliyah]

18! Allllllllright! Giggadee giggadee goo

I'm single cuz Im shallow I chase pretty girls around then when I get them I realize that they aint about shit. The whole time passing by the average looking females that pretty much have there shit together!

Im currently looking and now my vision of the field is not so narrow.

had me there for a second wid that phrase. I now caught on to wat u meant

 

[Twistyaaliyah]

I agree Jam Jam. All this shit is a crap shoot. Believe it or not, I just determined that shit -- I mean REALLY accepted it -- within the last 2 years.

Number 1, Marriage is overrated. I did all the right things the right way . And still, I am going thru a divorce right now. I went school, graduated with a bachelors, landed a good job, met a man, got engaged for 2 years, married him, had a baby 3 years later. The marriage went south and I realized it was no longer healthy to be in, even for my daughters sake. Im saying all this shit to say that even if you do the right things shit can still be jacked up.

Number 2, Relationships are nice, but not necessary. (I wish the "old school" generation would accept that shit! I hear them talk about how my female cousins must be gay because they are in their 30s and not married! WTF?!?!) Fuck all that. MFs need to focus on going to school, getting the paper, get a good job, KEEPING THE JOB, save money and invest wisely. (Over Thanksgiving, I heard 3 stories from college drop-outs wishing they'd stayed in school. Degrees can make a $30K difference on an entry level job!!) I digress. Anyway, if you are single, sure you may get lonely! But I've learned that thats the time to focus on improving self, obtain new skills, enjoy family, improve faith, join organizations and volunteer in the community.

Number 3. Like the SOS Band says, Take your time do it right. Im kicking myself in the ass for not heeding this advice I got years ago. Now, I truly know what it means. WTF is everyone rushing to be in committed relationships for? They are time consuming, expensive and stressful. Although I no longer have casual sex (It's so not safe and hell, I'm 32 with a daughter!), my focus is on my child and being a good, solid provider and role model. But when I do get the patience (and energy) to settle down with a man again, it will be slow and easy, giving 100%.

might the reason y marriages suck. PEople focusing too much on gettin that dollar.

 

[harlem1nyc]

To:

Split the bills and have free access to pussy....not to mention dynamite head!!!!

 

[cameo]

So, do you think that a woman who doesn't have comparable assets is only after you for your money? Would you be interested in a woman who had the same qualities (hard work, discipline, education, values) but exhibited them in a different area? Like working with kids, community service, taking care of the home, etc.? or does she need to have similar "stuff"?

Also, it may be difficult to find a woman with the same drive and similar lifestyle who also wants children and a domestic lifestyle. If she loves what she's doing, she may want to get married, but she may not want to stop or pause long enough to start a family.

baby at 35, I've worked really hard. My money, has been my money, this real talk, when you talk about sharing, somebody gotta help bring something to the table. Please, women do it all the time, most women won't even fuck wit a nigga unless he got income, like ya'll want a broke nigga. Please ! Sure he should love you, respect you, treat you right, never be but a gentleman, but we still gotta have shit in common !

 

[MartinAsante]

Imitación es la forma mas sincero de adulación.

Lilsexii, I was being sarcastic. Rocket science??? But I have accomplished a lot in my short life and have put myself in a good situation financially and otherwise, I would expect for any woman who I am to have a relationship with to be the same. Why can't men have standards outside of "fat ass, big titties, cute face, bomb head with a lil personality sprinkled for flavor"? Sure she can volunteer and work with kids, shit we can do it together. Money isn't everything to me.

 

[bigirl]

Imitación es la forma mas sincero de adulación.

I KNEW it!

 

[Ciel]

honestly, it's because I don't really want the men who want me.

 

[SinaminDelite]

Well your bi, you should have double the opportunities.

If that were only the case. It's seriously NOT that easy.

That's right sister, selfish and crazier than a mufucka. People don't work it out, they give up!!!

Chuuch!

 

[MartinAsante]

I KNEW it!

I mean I thought it was obvious that I was imitating his post there. Can you even get a doctorate in rocket science? Juice boxes girl, where is the money is selling Black-made juice boxes?? Guatemalan family???

 

[Bushmon]

I have accomplished a lot in my short life and have put myself in a good situation financially and otherwise, I would expect for any woman who I am to have a relationship with to be the same. Why can't men have standards outside of "fat ass, big titties, cute face, bomb head with a lil personality sprinkled for flavor"? Sure she can volunteer and work with kids, shit we can do it together. Money isn't everything to me.

"Preach Bradda Preach"

 

[INVICTUS3RD]

my two cents...
There are 4 things...count 'em...4 things that help maintain/sustain a relationship:

1)Support...does not have to be financial...Reference Method Man and Mary J. in "You're All I Need"..."rub me on my back and say, "Baby it will be O.K." or Brandy, "I Wanna Be Down."

2)Acceptance...In handling this, you gotta know and be TRUE to yourself, before you know what you will or will not accept.

3)Loyality...Do I have to explain that one?

4)Understanding...Communication is cool, but if you do not know WHY your partner is saying what they are saying, you are doomed.

All under the umbrella of Trust.

Now I figured this out after being in my last relationship (2003)...cause she was never any of these things. And she admitted it...so charge that to the game.

This reciepe goes both ways. It's simple and if you can Master these 4 things in your relationship, then you have the potential for success.

You both having a relationship with a Higher Power can help as well. Not dragging to church, mosque or tabernacle...but some sort of spiritual foundation will do it.

Nothing radical. Just something simple. I did not list Honesty, 'cause in being earness with these four things, that will be there.

Since I am on a roll, lemme add this:
That shit about you and your partner growing apart, is BULLSHIT!!!
Ever heard that before? Wanna know why people say that?
Simple: One or both partners, stopped making the other person's happiness a major priority in each others life.

Take the sister from Chi-town in an early post. She works and goes to school full-time. But she was mine (wishful thinking) and she said, "I got alot going on right now, but here is what I can give for now...If I am digging her and have a good feeling about the future, I can hang. 'Cause I got a life too. And it ain't about me tapping something else 'cause she ain't there or I am a dog...That is called, "Understanding"

Any questions?

But I wish all of you Love,
I wish all of you Heaven.