Questions to ask before gettin married

[DarkOne]

By Susan Piver

(Oprah.com) -- You may think that you and your fiancé have talked about everything...but have you discussed the issues that will make your marriage work? Author Susan Piver reveals the questions you and your partner should answer before you say "I do."

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?

 

[femmenoire]

See we need that Condoleeza pic because I know for damn sure most sistas wouldn't even dare asking themselves those questions.

And some of these questions are more fitting for white women since 70% of black women are single.

 

[thighsneyez22]

Thanks for the drop... that was STRAIGHT KNOWLEDGE!

 

[TittyMaster404]

I wonder who thought of those questions?

 

[BGLR1212000]

Too many goddamn questions to ask. How bout I just not get married and save myself some hassle.

 

[Deezz]

And some of these questions are more fitting for white women since 70% of black women are single.

You love pointing out bleak stats. PLEASE....PLEASE.....PLEASE...Get some dick or find a man.

 

[bigirl]

oh HELL no. that just gave me a headache

 

[HoneyBerry]

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 18: What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?

The others I think either you should already know before considering marriage or they are not important...
Important question for me: How do you feel about having a joint account and also our own separate accounts? What percentage should go into the joint account?

 

[yureeka9]

That's some white folk yuppie, contractual marriage bullshit. It ain't that damn serious!

 

[IntelligentDyme]

That's some white folk yuppie, contractual marriage bullshit. It ain't that damn serious!

probably why most marriages are ending in divorce, because we dont make it that serious...

 

[femmenoire]

You love pointing out bleak stats. PLEASE....PLEASE.....PLEASE...Get some dick or find a man.

Please. Those stats were brought up by your homies on the other side. Maybe you should go back there.

 

[bigirl]

Please. Those stats were brought up by your homies on the other side. Maybe you should go back there.

isn't it cute when people are too dense to overstand sarcasm?

 

[MartinAsante]

You love pointing out bleak stats. PLEASE....PLEASE.....PLEASE...Get some dick or find a man.

[KaySlay]DAMN[/Kayslay]

70 of Black women may be "single", i.e. unmarried, but of that 70%, many are in relationships and the rest, well most of them ain't what we'd call wifey material. If you're a single Black woman and you're over, let's say 30 or 35, and you can't "find a good Black man", then maybe you need to turn off the Oprah, put down Essence and look in the mirror. Before I get lambasted, the same can be said for Black men, but this is "Sistas Online".

 

[Deezz]

isn't it cute when people are too dense to overstand sarcasm?

What does overstand mean?????

I wasn't prowling on SOL. If a topic is on the Main Board, I just respond to it. More power to you chicas over here.

 

[bigirl]

What does overstand mean?????

it is a West Indian word. concept being that if you "understand" something you comprehend it and have a full grasp of it. therefore why should you stand under it? you stand over it!

 

[Deezz]

it is a West Indian word. concept being that if you "understand" something you comprehend it and have a full grasp of it. therefore why should you stand under it? you stand over it!

WOW...You are quite witty with your made up BS. I overstand what you are trying to say now. Gracias.

 

[bigirl]

WOW...You are quite witty with your made up BS. I overstand what you are trying to say now. Gracias.

@ "made up bs" you clearly have not been exposed to alot of west indian people

 

[ricardod]

What is your credit score should be one of the main questions when considering marriage. Did you realize that if your credit score is around 730 and your mates score is lingering about 530, you will be paying more in interest, insurance, credit and loans due to your mates poor credit score. That will be one of my many questions that I will ask the next time around.

 

[bigirl]

What is your credit score should be one of the main questions when considering marriage. Did you realize that if your credit score is around 730 and your mates score is lingering about 530, you will be paying more in interest, insurance, credit and loans due to your mates poor credit score. That will be one of my many questions that I will ask the next time around.

those who do not participate in the babylon system have no need to ask such type of questions and anyone who would shun someone they truly love over a stupid babylon credit score deserves everything they get

 

[Deezz]

those who do not participate in the babylon system have no need to ask such type of questions and anyone who would shun someone they truly love over a stupid babylon credit score deserves everything they get

We do agree on this one.

 

[bigirl]

We do agree on this one.

ok cool

 

[BigUnc]

The answer to most of those questions will vary over time. Rolling with what life throws at you and your spouse is one of the keys for a successful marriage. Sexual compatibility is a no brainer and if you gotta ask those questions just before getting married then I would say don't do it.

Honeyberry asked one of the critical questions that need to be asked. I say both joint and personal accounts. There would be no particular percentage for each person because of too many variables. Baseline would be common bills for operating and maintaining the household in the joint acct. with an hour or 2 each week set aside to go over the books to make sure the both of you are on top of things.

 

[Adam Knows]

probably why most marriages are ending in divorce, because we dont make it that serious...

yup......

 

[Adam Knows]

What is your credit score should be one of the main questions when considering marriage. Did you realize that if your credit score is around 730 and your mates score is lingering about 530, you will be paying more in interest, insurance, credit and loans due to your mates poor credit score. That will be one of my many questions that I will ask the next time around.

so true.....

you inherit your spouse's bad credit...

 

[Adam Knows]

those who do not participate in the babylon system have no need to ask such type of questions and anyone who would shun someone they truly love over a stupid babylon credit score deserves everything they get

everyone has their....."belief"

but this is fact. whatever negative debt your spouse has, you will acquire it. her bills are your bills. you can easily say it's not but guess what, if she has high interest rates on purchases/accounts it has to be paid. there are some creditors who go by who's in the household. try buying a house with your good credit and their bad credit, see how much more in interest and fees you end up paying. credit goes beyond even that. credit also shows what type of person you are, whether you're irresponsible and lazy or about your business.

 

[bigirl]

everyone has their....."belief"

but this is fact. whatever negative debt your spouse has, you will acquire it. her bills are your bills. you can easily say it's not but guess what, if she has high interest rates on purchases/accounts it has to be paid. there are some creditors who go by who's in the household. try buying a house with your good credit and their bad credit, see how much more in interest and fees you end up paying. credit goes beyond even that. credit also shows what type of person you are, whether you're irresponsible and lazy or about your business.

ok check this out: the part you don't and will never overstand is that I don't have credit i don't have a bank account and I never will so therefore I could care less about what they have as it will not effect me irregardless. I would also prefer a spouse who lives as I do. However I would not shun the love of my life just because they have a foot in the babylon system. I just still would not participate. Credit is a bunch of bullshit anyway and is definitely not a good way to judge a persons responsibility nor character. It is a good way to judge their ability to be a robot slave. Peace.

 

[MartinAsante]

Most of those divorces are files by women.

 

[femmenoire]

What is your credit score should be one of the main questions when considering marriage. Did you realize that if your credit score is around 730 and your mates score is lingering about 530, you will be paying more in interest, insurance, credit and loans due to your mates poor credit score. That will be one of my many questions that I will ask the next time around.

That should be question #1.

Then "Are you or have you ever been gay?"

"Have you ever used drugs?"

"Have you ever been in jail or have committed a crime that could land you in jail?"

 

[Adam Knows]

ok check this out: the part you don't and will never overstand is that I don't have credit i don't have a bank account and I never will so therefore I could care less about what they have as it will not effect me irregardless. I would also prefer a spouse who lives as I do. However I would not shun the love of my life just because they have a foot in the babylon system. I just still would not participate. Credit is a bunch of bullshit anyway and is definitely not a good way to judge a persons responsibility nor character. It is a good way to judge their ability to be a robot slave. Peace.

i disagree.

if you can't pay your bills what does that say about you?

it's not only about getting lines of credit. it's about the most simplest things such as paying your utilities. if you don't pay they report you.

paying your rent/mortgage. if you didn't that means it shows you were evicted/foreclosed on.

getting sued all the time. are you always in accidents raising the premium and owing money out on top of what insurance covers?

tax liens. don't pay your taxes that sticks with you like a scarlet letter.

you can have all that on your credit without ever opening up a credit card line or buying a car.

 

[BigUnc]

i disagree.

if you can't pay your bills what does that say about you?

it's not only about getting lines of credit. it's about the most simplest things such as paying your utilities. if you don't pay they report you.

paying your rent/mortgage. if you didn't that means it shows you were evicted/foreclosed on.

getting sued all the time. are you always in accidents raising the premium and owing money out on top of what insurance covers?

tax liens. don't pay your taxes that sticks with you like a scarlet letter.

you can have all that on your credit without ever opening up a credit card line or buying a car.

I generally don't have a problem with what your saying....except you seem to be painting with a broad brush as though everyone with bad credit are deadbeats. There are other reasons such as serious illness/injury or unfortunate job lose. The problem with credit reporting is that those other issues aren't taken into consideration and people having unfortunate things happen to them are lumped in together with the true deadbeats and a stigma is attached to some who may not necessarily deserve it.

 

[IntelligentDyme]

yup......

Right, I don't think these questions are supposed to be a barometer for which to measure the worthiness of your potential mate, it is so that upon marriage, you both are prepared for the road ahead, so that later down the road you won't say " I didn't see that coming" or feel you have been deceived. It is best to have as accurate depiction of your mate on all levels, financially, emotionally, physically, as possible, so that you give your relationship the best chance at not just surviving, but thriving, for the long haul....

Marriage is not a romantic notion, it is a partnership, you shouldn't invest in a company until you have all the information.... you shouldn't make a life time committment especially with the possibility of having children, who are often innocent bystanders of their parents poor decision making, with out being well informed.... You can't build something together, until you know the foundation is strong enough to withstand the test of time.... It takes more than love to maintain love or to see love flourish....

 

[Adam Knows]

I generally don't have a problem with what your saying....except you seem to be painting with a broad brush as though everyone with bad credit are deadbeats. There are other reasons such as serious illness/injury or unfortunate job lose. The problem with credit reporting is that those other issues aren't taken into consideration and people having unfortunate things happen to them are lumped in together with the true deadbeats and a stigma is attached to some who may not necessarily deserve it.

and your right, to an extent. Of course crisis's can and will arise. But you have to be prepared for them. issues due to job loss means you were living from pay check to pay check and you shouldn't be doing that. You should have some sort of savings system setup for such things. general rule of thumb you should have enough to cover your expenses for at least 6 months.

 

[Adam Knows]

Right, I don't think these questions are supposed to be a barometer for which measure the worthiness of your potential mate, it is so that upon marriage, you both are prepared for the road ahead, so that later down the road you won't say " I didn't see that coming" or feel you have been deceived. It is best to have as accurate depiction of your mate on all lives, financially, emotionally, physically, as possible, so that you give your relationship the best chance at not just surviving, but thriving, for the long haul....

Marriage is not a romantic notion, it is a partnership, you shouldn't invest in a company until you have all the information.... you shouldn't make a life time committment especially with the possibility of having children, who are often innocent bystanders of their parents poor decision making, with out being well informed.... You can't build something together, until you know the foundation is strong enough to withstand the test of time.... It takes more than love to maintain love or to see love flourish....

cause love don't pay the bills......

 

[femmenoire]

Right, I don't think these questions are supposed to be a barometer for which to measure the worthiness of your potential mate, it is so that upon marriage, you both are prepared for the road ahead, so that later down the road you won't say " I didn't see that coming" or feel you have been deceived. It is best to have as accurate depiction of your mate on all levels, financially, emotionally, physically, as possible, so that you give your relationship the best chance at not just surviving, but thriving, for the long haul....

Marriage is not a romantic notion, it is a partnership, you shouldn't invest in a company until you have all the information.... you shouldn't make a life time committment especially with the possibility of having children, who are often innocent bystanders of their parents poor decision making, with out being well informed.... You can't build something together, until you know the foundation is strong enough to withstand the test of time.... It takes more than love to maintain love or to see love flourish....

That's a very good point.

Lots of families, even wealthy ones have been wiped out due to the cost of healthcare when someone in the family has a terminal illness. And what if that person is the breadwinner of the family?

Your credit can easily go shot to hell with that situation.

 

[Adam Knows]

Question 13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

this is one that's overlooked/taken for granted. this was one that was not discussed in my house and it caused some confusion in the beginning.

me, with my family i choose to not associate with except for my sisters, this caused problems before the wedding because she didn't understand why and thought i was "ashamed" of her. which wasn't the case, i didn't want the ignorance there and i did not/do not want to expose her to senseless ignorance.

at the same time her family save her mother and one of her sisters and one of her brothers do not get along with me because she committed a terrible sin by marrying me. so "family functions" are kept to a minimum.