The Onion And The Christmas Tree

[bigirl]

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his
father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In
her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her
thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they
make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised,
smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his
twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties
& forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes
dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

 

[mk23666]

lol

 

[ladyscorpio]

BG where are you getting these corny jokes LOL

 

[Pussy Krook]

 

[LeroyDibiase]

Somebody just checked their email forwards...

 

[bigirl]

yeah these are the shits my family sends me

 

[footluva]

thats some funny shit

 

[AlexandMorgan]

Did somebody say jokes

> >A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
> >desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
> >
> >
> >Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
> >old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
> >
> >
> >The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
> >
> >
> >The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
> >
> >They are only $5."
> >
> >
> >The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!
> >I should kill you, you smart arse, "
> >
> >"Okay', said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want
> >to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
> >that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
> >will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
> >
> >Shalom".
> >
> >
> >Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
> >staggered back.
> >
> >
> >"The bastards won't let me in without a tie."

 

[SinaminDelite]

^^^ Womp, womp, womp!

 

[SWATLANTA]

^^^ Womp, womp, womp!

 

[Harbinger]

Did somebody say jokes

> >A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
> >desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
> >
> >
> >Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
> >old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
> >
> >
> >The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
> >
> >
> >The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
> >
> >They are only $5."
> >
> >
> >The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!
> >I should kill you, you smart arse, "
> >
> >"Okay', said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want
> >to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
> >that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
> >will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
> >
> >Shalom".
> >
> >
> >Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
> >staggered back.
> >
> >
> >"The bastards won't let me in without a tie."

LOL!
Priceless!

 

[AlexandMorgan]

My apologies bigirl i don't want to dominate the thread but i had to post this one.

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a
veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out
his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a
moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Ma'am,
but your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed
owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure.
The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so
sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet
rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments
later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in
amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog
and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat
jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to
foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm
sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%, certifiably, a dead
duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!",
she cried, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"


The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for
it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,
it's now $150."