In the paraphrased words of the rapper who played Bishop in Juice, 2016 was trash as a year, record label and as a crew. And if you wanna be down with 2016, then f*ck you too. How was an entire year in Mercury Retrograde? 2016 was a year long Thanksgiving dinner with problematic relatives. 2016 was 365 consecutive Monday mornings. 2016 was the Yeezus album of years, it had like one or two jawns that you liked, but it was trash even when folks tried to pretend it wasn't. The best part about 2016 is it's about to be over. Here are a just a few of 2016's GTFOHWTBS moments:
Donald F*cking Trump
Yo, seriously yall voted for this dude. I plan on spending every waking moment over the next four years telling yall to "Getcha Mans." Of course that hinges on not getting one of those black bags from V for Vendetta draped over my head and thrown in prison or deported for talking shit about the guy who got roasted on Comedy Central. I'm not gonna even get into all the f*ckery homie got into during the campaign. Yall voted for the dude who looks like 17 ferrets organized an orgy on his scalp. Yall voted for bul most likely to be Voldemort's patronus. Yall voted for a Criminal Minds sociopath. Yall voted for Biff from Back To The Future 2. Yall voted for a racist hot cheeto. Yall seriously voted for the patron saint of egg avi Twitter.
The Grim Reaper
The Grim Reaper was busy this year. We should've known it was gonna be a bad year when Natalie Cole passed on New Years Eve. A short list of who 2016 took:
Prince: Top 5 entertainer all time. Don't @ Me, we're not debating this. He was also Top 5 sex symbol/thottie. Don't @ me on this either. Just google the list of women he dated. It's as long as the time he hung on the rim and then in the air in the Chappelle episode. Also Top 5 Chappelle episode. Don't @ me.
Vanity: Seriously, if you were born in the late 70s, or early 80s, chances are you shared a crush with your father and her name was Vanity. She's in one of my favorite terrible movies, The Last Dragon, and your mama prolly gave wallies to her Nasty Girl song. Lowkey, Imma still try to bag her in the after life so back the f*ck up.
Maurice White: Earth, Wind & Fire are Top 5 All Time band you had to clean the house listening to growing up. Maurice White was the voice of EW&F. Don't lie, your voice prolly sterilized a few cats trying to hit the falsetto from "Reasons." Also "September" is Top 5 all time song that middle age white people dance to at formal functions that make you wish they were doing the mannequin challenge instead. Or the 2 and 4 on beat challenge. Maurice White is a family cookout icon.
David Bowie: Top 10 swagged out white men. I dare you to listen to "Fame" and try to argue that. Also, he was the shit in Labyrinth. How the f*ck does someone larger than life die?
Muhammad Ali: (insert something witty and inspiring here. I tried to find the words but this one still hurts)
Phife: I still listen to Midnight Marauders like it just dropped. The five foot assassin may have passed, but we'll still be arguing whether or not The Low End Theory was doper than Midnight Marauders. And that's when you know you're great. When 20 years have passed and folks are debating about which classic album was doper than the other classic album. Relax yourself bro.
Ms. Cleo: yup, yall forgot about this one. Call Me Nah for your Faree Reedin died this year at 54. Sidenote, I thought she was 54 back in the 90s.
Gene Wilder: How the f*ck does Willy Wonka die?
Bill Nunn: How the f*ck does Radio Raheem die? Wait, he died in the movie... How the f*ck does Radio Raheem die AGAIN?
Tommy FromMartin Ford: "Martin" was a staple in my life when I was a teen. Tommy's no job having ass helped make it. I am pretty sure God has a great sense of humor so it would be awesome if Tommy is valet parking or coat checking in heaven.
Sidenote 1, I'm 90% sure "FromMartin" was his actual middle name
Sidenote 2, Thursday was a lit ass night in the 90s. Living Single, Martin, then NY Undercover.
Alan Rickman: I'm the person who will forever call you by the character you're most famous for. For years I called him Hans Gruber. But I could've called him the Sheriff of Nottingham as well. But he will forever be Severus Snape to me. This still doesn't feel real. *whistles Harry Potter theme*
XXL 2016 Freshman Class
So no one at XXL edited those cypher videos and thought, "Yo, maybe we shouldn't release this to the public?" So no one wrote a Jerry McGuire email and quit XXL when they saw the videos? I felt really bad for Anderson .Paak. Like I was genuinely worried for homie. I wondered if he had on some anti-fxckboy under garments like Spongebob and Patrick avoiding Sea Rhinoceros. I wondered if Fxckboybola was an airborne pathogen or if he had come in contact with fuckboy fluids. Yachty, I swear you better not have sneezed on .Paak. It's like someone at XXL was like:
"Yo, this year we should have a theme. We should try to personify the blue trash emoji. Nah, nah, nah, listen to me. Hear me out. You never wondered what an over confident dumpster fire would sound like over a trap beat? Someone call 21 Savage and Lil Uzi Vert."
Somebody has to apologize for the culture. Shyne didn't catch Diddy's case for this. Jadakiss didn't wear that shiny suit for this. Lil Saint didn't die for this.
"R-E-S-P-E-C-K, Is you leaving or is you gon' stay"
Birdman, are you 47 years old, or is you middle aged? Are you too old for this shit, or is you entirely too old for this shit? And by "this shit" I mean the Breakfast Club interview. But I also mean how you dress like a 22 year old in 2007. And I also mean how you're not completely embarrassed by that "Guide to Skin Art You'll Be Embarrassed By, page 7" tattoo humiliating your skull. Is it like a star so grown ass men who still go to 18 to enter, 21 to drink clubs can find their way home? I'm sure R. Kelly appreciates it. It's time for you to grow up homie. You're rich, and you're dating Toni Braxton (sidenote, Toni? What in the "How Could A Fxckboy Break My Heart is going on?). I'd love to put some respeck on your name Birdman. I'll respect it when you stop dressing like Snooki's jumpoff.
2Chainz Verse on "No Problem"
One of the highlights of 2016 (this trash ass year) was Chance the Rapper's album "Coloring Book." One of the best songs on Coloring Book is "No Problem." One of the worst verses of the 20teens is 2Chainz verse on No Problem. If 2016 was a verse it would be 2Chainz verse. If 2Chainz verse was a year it'd be 2016. I like 2Chainz but that verse was awful. If that verse ran for President it would be Trump/Pence 2016. If that verse was a XXL cypher it would be the XXL 2016 Freshmen Class cypher. If that verse was a middle aged man who dresses like the guy JWoww was sleeping with behind Snooki's back it would be, well you get it.
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