Rules For Choosing a Urinal
1. When you first enter the men’s room, you are to go to the urinal farthest away from the door. Whatever you do, NEVER choose the urinal closest to the door unless specified by rule number 2.
2. If there is already someone using a urinal when you walk in, choose the urinal farthest away from that person. If this is the urinal closest to the door, then it is ok to use it, but not necessary. The urinal right next to it is acceptable, but it is not the preferred urinal.
3. If the only urinal left is between two other guys, NEVER go between them, unless you are about to piss yourself. This is the ONLY exception. In this situation, you are to go in a stall. If all stalls are full, it is better to wait until one person leaves. You may do anything until that happens as long as it does not violate any of the other rules, especially rule number 4.
4. You can NEVER just “stand around” the men’s room. You must always be doing something. “Standing around” is one of the easiest way to look like a pervert in the men’s room. Even if waiting for a toilet to open, it is better to wash your hands or comb your hair or anything else that doesn’t violate the rules.
5. If there are no urinals open and the stalls are full, or if your only option is to violate rules number 3 & 4, it is better to just leave the men’s room and wait for another time.
Rules when using urinal
6.When using a urinal, you must always look either straight ahead or down. Don’t look up as that can advert your aim. NEVER look at another person using the urinal. That is another easy way to look like a pervert in the men’s room.
7. Talking is forbidden in the men’s room. The only exception being to warn of broken facilities or if the person your talking to is a good friend. Even then keep to light conversation. *If someone else walks in while you are talking with a friend, you are to stop all conversation. Rules 8 & 9 expand on this rule.
8. If someone else is breaking etiquette and is trying to talk to you, do not just ignore them, but keep responses as short as possible. You should be able to respond with simple “Yeah”s and “uh-hu”s. If you choose to ignore, it is nothing major and is just a minor violation of the rules. Except in the case of rule 9.
9. There are 3 things that are to NEVER under ANY circumstances to be said while using the urinal. 1) “Man, am I hung!” 2.) “Do you want to talk about Jesus?” 3.) “Do you know how to get blood out of a killer clown costume?” If any of these things are said to you, do not reply and get out of the men’s room as quickly as possible.
10. You are always to urinate in one location in the urinal when someone else is in the men’s room. If you are alone in the men’s room, you are free to spray back and forth, but your are to stop if someone else enters.
11. All men must shake after done, but don’t over-shake at the urinal. A few light shakes are enough to rid of most drops left over.
12. NEVER, EVER look down at another guy using the urinal. This is the second greatest offense of urinal etiquette. Only rule 13 ranks above it.
General Rules
13. The single most important rule of urinal etiquette and men’s room etiquette in general is NEVER touch another person in the men’s room. Touching someone while they’re at the urinal is the greatest offense to this rule and results in the only exception to rule number 14.
14. No fighting in the men’s room. This is awkward for anyone else in there as well as anyone who may come in. Needless to say fighting with your pants off, or falling down is the greatest offense to this rule.
15. There is no laughing in the men’s room. No exception. It doesn’t matter what was going on before you entered, or what noises the guy in the stall is making. If you cannot control yourself, you leave the men’s room.
16. There is no singing of any kind in the men’s room. Just like talking it is banned, except there is NO circumstance where it is ok to sing. Whistling, humming, and anything else of that nature is also frowned upon.
Additional Rules
17. Washing your hands is absolutely necessary if someone else in the men’s room. Although, if no one‘s there, you don‘t really have to wash your hands. This is an optional exception to the rule. Also, this is a urinal rule only and does not apply to other bathroom activities.
18. If you happen to enter the men’s room to find that someone has taken a shit in the urinal, you are not obligated to do anything. Although not yet officially a rule, it is up for amendment to add to the rules that you are in fact not to do anything. No alerting custodians and, for the love of God, no cleaning it up yourself. That is going beyond the lines of being a good citizen. In honor of doing what we’ve all wanted to do, the stool is to be left there in appreciation.
19. If you happen to come across someone taking a dump in a urinal, it is ok to encourage him through verbal communication. Just keep it short. You are not to act disgusted or give him a hard time. You are also free to ignore him.
20. The small urinal for children is free to be ignored as long as you do not violate rule 3. This is an optional rule.
21. There is absolutely no cleaning up after other people. That is what janitors are for. You do not want to stay in the men’s room longer than you have to. It is also another way to look like a pervert, but is not done as easily as others. Another amendment to the rules is to make it so there is no cleaning up after yourself either. But until then, cleaning up after yourself is optional. No matter how big a mess you make.
22. Since you do not want to stay in the men’s room longer than you have to, always use paper towels to dry your hands if the option is available. Although an automatic dryer is more sanitary and “greener,” no one cares about that. In fact, use of the automatic dryer is up for amendment to make it violation of rule number 4. It is better to leave with wet hands than to use the automatic dryer.
23. Try not to make eye contact with another person in the men’s room. Especially if you are already breaking rule 6.
24. If a urinal cake is nearly eroded, it is your duty to attempt to finish the eroding by directing the entirety of your stream at it. Even if you do not erode it completely, the next guy will be able to go further with it until it is gone.
25. The third greatest offense to urinal etiquette is using the urinal with an erection. You do NOT under any circumstances do this. Even though no body should be looking if they are following etiquette, no body wants to see that. You are to try to rid yourself of you erection before entering the bathroom, and if that is not possible, go in the stall. Just make sure nobody notices you are hard. This is the EASIEST way to look like a pervert in the men’s room. *The only time you are allowed to have an erection in the men's room at all is when you have brought a Woman into the men's room with you.
26. You don't ever have to flush a urinal. Although most urinals are now self-flushing, if you come across a urinal that needs manual flushing, it is optional to flush. If the smell becomes to overpowering, then you must flush, but only after you are done.
27. You are to never pull your pants all the way down while using the urinal. This is a major violation of the rules. If you ever see someone doing this, leave the men’s room immediately and come back another time.
28. Graffiti is frowned upon in the men’s room, but graffiti is allowed as long as it is clever.
*Rule 9 was taken from the John Henson Project. A show that used to air on spiketv.
* - Amendments to rules
1. When you first enter the men’s room, you are to go to the urinal farthest away from the door. Whatever you do, NEVER choose the urinal closest to the door unless specified by rule number 2.
2. If there is already someone using a urinal when you walk in, choose the urinal farthest away from that person. If this is the urinal closest to the door, then it is ok to use it, but not necessary. The urinal right next to it is acceptable, but it is not the preferred urinal.
3. If the only urinal left is between two other guys, NEVER go between them, unless you are about to piss yourself. This is the ONLY exception. In this situation, you are to go in a stall. If all stalls are full, it is better to wait until one person leaves. You may do anything until that happens as long as it does not violate any of the other rules, especially rule number 4.
4. You can NEVER just “stand around” the men’s room. You must always be doing something. “Standing around” is one of the easiest way to look like a pervert in the men’s room. Even if waiting for a toilet to open, it is better to wash your hands or comb your hair or anything else that doesn’t violate the rules.
5. If there are no urinals open and the stalls are full, or if your only option is to violate rules number 3 & 4, it is better to just leave the men’s room and wait for another time.
Rules when using urinal
6.When using a urinal, you must always look either straight ahead or down. Don’t look up as that can advert your aim. NEVER look at another person using the urinal. That is another easy way to look like a pervert in the men’s room.
7. Talking is forbidden in the men’s room. The only exception being to warn of broken facilities or if the person your talking to is a good friend. Even then keep to light conversation. *If someone else walks in while you are talking with a friend, you are to stop all conversation. Rules 8 & 9 expand on this rule.
8. If someone else is breaking etiquette and is trying to talk to you, do not just ignore them, but keep responses as short as possible. You should be able to respond with simple “Yeah”s and “uh-hu”s. If you choose to ignore, it is nothing major and is just a minor violation of the rules. Except in the case of rule 9.
9. There are 3 things that are to NEVER under ANY circumstances to be said while using the urinal. 1) “Man, am I hung!” 2.) “Do you want to talk about Jesus?” 3.) “Do you know how to get blood out of a killer clown costume?” If any of these things are said to you, do not reply and get out of the men’s room as quickly as possible.
10. You are always to urinate in one location in the urinal when someone else is in the men’s room. If you are alone in the men’s room, you are free to spray back and forth, but your are to stop if someone else enters.
11. All men must shake after done, but don’t over-shake at the urinal. A few light shakes are enough to rid of most drops left over.
12. NEVER, EVER look down at another guy using the urinal. This is the second greatest offense of urinal etiquette. Only rule 13 ranks above it.
General Rules
13. The single most important rule of urinal etiquette and men’s room etiquette in general is NEVER touch another person in the men’s room. Touching someone while they’re at the urinal is the greatest offense to this rule and results in the only exception to rule number 14.
14. No fighting in the men’s room. This is awkward for anyone else in there as well as anyone who may come in. Needless to say fighting with your pants off, or falling down is the greatest offense to this rule.
15. There is no laughing in the men’s room. No exception. It doesn’t matter what was going on before you entered, or what noises the guy in the stall is making. If you cannot control yourself, you leave the men’s room.
16. There is no singing of any kind in the men’s room. Just like talking it is banned, except there is NO circumstance where it is ok to sing. Whistling, humming, and anything else of that nature is also frowned upon.
Additional Rules
17. Washing your hands is absolutely necessary if someone else in the men’s room. Although, if no one‘s there, you don‘t really have to wash your hands. This is an optional exception to the rule. Also, this is a urinal rule only and does not apply to other bathroom activities.
18. If you happen to enter the men’s room to find that someone has taken a shit in the urinal, you are not obligated to do anything. Although not yet officially a rule, it is up for amendment to add to the rules that you are in fact not to do anything. No alerting custodians and, for the love of God, no cleaning it up yourself. That is going beyond the lines of being a good citizen. In honor of doing what we’ve all wanted to do, the stool is to be left there in appreciation.
19. If you happen to come across someone taking a dump in a urinal, it is ok to encourage him through verbal communication. Just keep it short. You are not to act disgusted or give him a hard time. You are also free to ignore him.
20. The small urinal for children is free to be ignored as long as you do not violate rule 3. This is an optional rule.
21. There is absolutely no cleaning up after other people. That is what janitors are for. You do not want to stay in the men’s room longer than you have to. It is also another way to look like a pervert, but is not done as easily as others. Another amendment to the rules is to make it so there is no cleaning up after yourself either. But until then, cleaning up after yourself is optional. No matter how big a mess you make.
22. Since you do not want to stay in the men’s room longer than you have to, always use paper towels to dry your hands if the option is available. Although an automatic dryer is more sanitary and “greener,” no one cares about that. In fact, use of the automatic dryer is up for amendment to make it violation of rule number 4. It is better to leave with wet hands than to use the automatic dryer.
23. Try not to make eye contact with another person in the men’s room. Especially if you are already breaking rule 6.
24. If a urinal cake is nearly eroded, it is your duty to attempt to finish the eroding by directing the entirety of your stream at it. Even if you do not erode it completely, the next guy will be able to go further with it until it is gone.
25. The third greatest offense to urinal etiquette is using the urinal with an erection. You do NOT under any circumstances do this. Even though no body should be looking if they are following etiquette, no body wants to see that. You are to try to rid yourself of you erection before entering the bathroom, and if that is not possible, go in the stall. Just make sure nobody notices you are hard. This is the EASIEST way to look like a pervert in the men’s room. *The only time you are allowed to have an erection in the men's room at all is when you have brought a Woman into the men's room with you.
26. You don't ever have to flush a urinal. Although most urinals are now self-flushing, if you come across a urinal that needs manual flushing, it is optional to flush. If the smell becomes to overpowering, then you must flush, but only after you are done.
27. You are to never pull your pants all the way down while using the urinal. This is a major violation of the rules. If you ever see someone doing this, leave the men’s room immediately and come back another time.
28. Graffiti is frowned upon in the men’s room, but graffiti is allowed as long as it is clever.
*Rule 9 was taken from the John Henson Project. A show that used to air on spiketv.
* - Amendments to rules
