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OGs on the board chime in - baby mama issues

mrJR

mrJR

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Baby mama issues

Just want to hear some of you all's opinions/situations that you may have either dealt with yourself or helped a friend/family member through.

I have a 2 year old son with a chick that I was in undergrad with. She's a smart girl but from the hood, family is hood, etc.

She's getting her masters in education, which is cool because she's trying to propel herself and be upwardly mobile. I'm applying to law school this year. We messed around twice unprotected and she ends up pregnant.

I wasn't ready, felt I had a lot of stuff lined up that would derail my progress and expressed that to her. She told me "oh well, I'm going to have it. Now what?" That made me develop strong feelings of dislike towards her but what could I do? At the time we didn't know much about each other and I constantly tried to explain that to her to support my argument of why it wasn't a good idea. That and I support a woman's right to choose. I tried to make the best of the situation. I "manned" up and excepted full responsibility for a life I helped to create.

Finished up undergrad (2 years ago now), moved in with her and tried to make things work. Now, I love my son to death - he's the best thing that ever happened to me. Me and his mom have been broken up and got back together twice. I can't stand her most of the time, it irks me just to be around her. I think the reason I put up with it is because of my son and me wanting to be around him every moment I can.

She's fucking lazy as hell. I keep my shit clean (apartment, car, etc.). She'll come home from work and just throw her clothes where ever. The room we share is always a fucking mess because she leaves her shit everywhere. We get into it everyday cause I tell her to pick up after her self and she gets a damn attitude.

Because of her laziness, me and my son have a bond stronger than rhino glue. He'll ask me for something 20x's in a row and if I'm busy I'll tell him to hold a minute, she'll sit right there starring at the tv until I tell her to get off her ass. She will, but with a fucking attitude... I'll clean the kitchen, then when we eat I'll rinse off my plate and put it in the dishwasher to continue the cycle of cleanliness. She'll leave her crumb infested plate on the couch for days...

And I've been keeping our son's room clean and potty training him single handed the past few months.

Point is: Our styles just don't mesh, and I think she's lazy as fuck plus she gets an attitude way too often which causes us to beef cause I won't take the shit off her. I put in way more time with our son and she's lazy as fuck! How would you handle it?
 
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You both need to get some counseling for the sake of your son. Your parenting styles or life choices don't match. You must learn to work together and be there for the son you have been blessed to create.

Seriously go get some help from a professional couple's therapist who's not related to either one of you. Yes therapist you too are a couple in terms of having a child.
 
Don't think I'd have to but if I did it would most likely be drama due to her family.
 
From experience I can tell you it doesn't get easier if you split and try to be a weekend dad. My advice is to work it out if at all possible. In the end, however, a destructive relationship between the two of you might serve to hurt your son more than your constant presence may help him. At some point, someone is going to need help working through the issues. Be it the two of you working out how to make the family work, or your son trying reconcile your not being around all the time.

The truth is her being lazy will get you nothing in terms of custody. The court finds it very difficult to separate a child (particularly one as young as your son) from it's mother. I wish you the best in your difficult situation.
 
Re: Baby mama issues

mrJR said:
Just want to hear some of you all's opinions/situations that you may have either dealt with yourself or helped a friend/family member through.

I have a 2 year old son with a chick that I was in undergrad with. She's a smart girl(So she is smart. There are many people that are smart and they got there by making mistakes and moving on to the next challenge) but from the hood, family is hood(Ok, I understand where you are trying to go with this but being from the hood can be a motivator as well), etc.

She's getting her masters in education, which is cool because she's trying to propel herself and be upwardly mobile. I'm applying to law school this year. We messed around twice unprotected and she ends up pregnant(So was this your girl or a bellywarmer? The way you are so detached from it she seems to be a bellywarmer).

I wasn't ready, felt I had a lot of stuff lined up that would derail my progress and expressed that to her. She told me "oh well, I'm going to have it. Now what?" (You say you wanted to be a lawyer but you didn't check your legal rights?) That made me develop strong feelings of dislike towards her but what could I do? At the time we didn't know much about each other and I constantly tried to explain that to her to support my argument of why it wasn't a good idea. That and I support a woman's right to choose. I tried to make the best of the situation. I "manned" up and excepted full responsibility for a life I helped to create.

Finished up undergrad (2 years ago now), moved in with her and tried to make things work(You may have meant well but this was a bad decision). Now, I love my son to death - he's the best thing that ever happened to me. Me and his mom have been broken up and got back together twice. I can't stand her most of the time, it irks me just to be around her. I think the reason I put up with it is because of my son and me wanting to be around him every moment I can(You are trying to control the situation[keeping the animals off of your son son and his mom]).

She's fucking lazy as hell. I keep my shit clean (apartment, car, etc.). She'll come home from work and just throw her clothes where ever. The room we share is always a fucking mess because she leaves her shit everywhere. We get into it everyday cause I tell her to pick up after her self and she gets a damn attitude. (No one wants to be treated like a child.)

Because of her laziness, me and my son have a bond stronger than rhino glue. He'll ask me for something 20x's in a row and if I'm busy I'll tell him to hold a minute, she'll sit right there starring at the tv until I tell her to get off her ass. She will, but with a fucking attitude... I'll clean the kitchen, then when we eat I'll rinse off my plate and put it in the dishwasher to continue the cycle of cleanliness. She'll leave her crumb infested plate on the couch for days...(You ever thought that you are not the greatest person to be around.)

And I've been keeping our son's room clean and potty training him single handed the past few months.(He is your child too)

Point is: Our styles just don't mesh, and I think she's lazy as fuck plus she gets an attitude way too often which causes us to beef cause I won't take the shit off her. I put in way more time with our son and she's lazy as fuck! How would you handle it? (Would you like a cookie? And did you ever think that she is mad at you?)
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Relationships are hard. They are like a roller coaster. While it is nice that you have found her "issues", but have you found the things in her that mirror you. She will never be perfect but neither will you. You were together for a reason even if it is to find out what you don't like. If you can't work it out together get counselling because you and her need to be on the same page for your son.
 
mrJR said:
Just want to hear some of you all's opinions/situations that you may have either dealt with yourself or helped a friend/family member through.

I have a 2 year old son with a chick that I was in undergrad with. She's a smart girl but from the hood, family is hood, etc.

She's getting her masters in education, which is cool because she's trying to propel herself and be upwardly mobile. I'm applying to law school this year. We messed around twice unprotected and she ends up pregnant.

I wasn't ready, felt I had a lot of stuff lined up that would derail my progress and expressed that to her. She told me "oh well, I'm going to have it. Now what?" That made me develop strong feelings of dislike towards her but what could I do? At the time we didn't know much about each other and I constantly tried to explain that to her to support my argument of why it wasn't a good idea. That and I support a woman's right to choose. I tried to make the best of the situation. I "manned" up and excepted full responsibility for a life I helped to create.

Finished up undergrad (2 years ago now), moved in with her and tried to make things work. Now, I love my son to death - he's the best thing that ever happened to me. Me and his mom have been broken up and got back together twice. I can't stand her most of the time, it irks me just to be around her. I think the reason I put up with it is because of my son and me wanting to be around him every moment I can.

She's fucking lazy as hell. I keep my shit clean (apartment, car, etc.). She'll come home from work and just throw her clothes where ever. The room we share is always a fucking mess because she leaves her shit everywhere. We get into it everyday cause I tell her to pick up after her self and she gets a damn attitude.

Because of her laziness, me and my son have a bond stronger than rhino glue. He'll ask me for something 20x's in a row and if I'm busy I'll tell him to hold a minute, she'll sit right there starring at the tv until I tell her to get off her ass. She will, but with a fucking attitude... I'll clean the kitchen, then when we eat I'll rinse off my plate and put it in the dishwasher to continue the cycle of cleanliness. She'll leave her crumb infested plate on the couch for days...

And I've been keeping our son's room clean and potty training him single handed the past few months.

Point is: Our styles just don't mesh, and I think she's lazy as fuck plus she gets an attitude way too often which causes us to beef cause I won't take the shit off her. I put in way more time with our son and she's lazy as fuck! How would you handle it?
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Sounds a lot like me and other people. I like structure and it bothers me when people can't or won't follow simple rules to keep the home in order. It's hard living with people who don't have your same habits of cleanliness. Poking and prodding people to stay clean is a taskmasters job especially dealing with adults. So your either going to have to compromise in some way or take up more duties in keeping the house clean. Just be careful not to turn into a nag.

As for your BM situation. Perhaps it be best if you move out and just share joint custody. It also sounds like you might have different parenting styles and living standards that just wont work. If possible find some common ground on how you both would like to raise your kid and try to adhere to it but it sounds like your doing alright. However, a lot of this sounds like what typical single parents go through. You really can't expect help from a negligent parent so be prepared to carry the weight of child rearing on your own. Best you can do is hope she'll step to the plate of responsibility.
 
get out now. find a way to keep things peaceful between you when the kids around. joint custody.

if u dont leave ur gonna get depressed and angry and who knows where that may lead u.

plus, ur standard of living is too high for her so eventually
she's gonna get frustrated and end up fucking some loser from 1 of her classes that doest care if she doesnt clean up cuz he only wants 1 thing out of her.
 
themainman said:
get out now. find a way to keep things peaceful between you when the kids around. joint custody.

if u dont leave ur gonna get depressed and angry and who knows where that may lead u.

plus, ur standard of living is too high for her so eventually
she's gonna get frustrated and end up fucking some loser from 1 of her classes that doest care if she doesnt clean up cuz he only wants 1 thing out of her.
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ya know this cat got alot of truth to him listen to him, do not i repeat do not wait till things are so bad you have to walk away it will work out badly for you, be honest about the person she is you say shes trying to better herself you never mentioned her parenting skills lazy dose not mean a bad parent all around. stay on her good side no matter what you can live separate of you kids mom and never see the inside of a court if you do it right (luck plays a part too) do not i mean never ever talk down about her to you child thats his mother it will always be his mother make her respectful in his eyes.
this will make you a bgol simp ........... hint bgol aint real life trust.
 
The best suggestion so far is get counselling. You two need it for the sake of your son. Your girl is extremely angry with you and everything she is doing is out of spite. She's not worried about how it affects your son because she is forcing you to handle everything. In her mind, she's forcing you to be a father. The fact that you did not want her to have this child for what she feels are your "selfish" reasons is the cornerstone of her behavior towards you. Every little argument just adds to her "justified animosity" towards you and everything she does or doesn't do is designed to punish you. Some women can be that vindictive. She's acting like the poster child for condom use. Once you start counselling, everything will depend on whether or not she really loves you and wants to be with you. If she really wants to be with you, she'll admit her wrongs and modify her behavior. She'll put her family first, as should you. If she doesn't, then cut her loose and go to family court to protect your rights with your little man. (Get a FEMALE attorney!)
 
marca said:
ya know this cat got alot of truth to him listen to him, do not i repeat do not wait till things are so bad you have to walk away it will work out badly for you, be honest about the person she is you say shes trying to better herself you never mentioned her parenting skills lazy dose not mean a bad parent all around. stay on her good side no matter what you can live separate of you kids mom and never see the inside of a court if you do it right (luck plays a part too) do not i mean never ever talk down about her to you child thats his mother it will always be his mother make her respectful in his eyes.
this will make you a bgol simp ........... hint bgol aint real life trust.
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Yep people like others who are on their level. Income, attitudes, and also mindset. This chick is gonna end up banging a scrub that she feels more understand her than staying with a man who acts like he's better than her.

It's very hard to change people, they have to want to change themselves.

OP is gonna end up single soon enough, she ain't gonna stick with a nigga who she feels acts better than her.
 
Stick2dascript said:
Yep people like others who are on their level. Income, attitudes, and also mindset. This chick is gonna end up banging a scrub that she feels more understand her than staying with a man who acts like he's better than her.

It's very hard to change people, they have to want to change themselves.

OP is gonna end up single soon enough, she ain't gonna stick with a nigga who she feels acts better than her.
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truth.com


black women have this shit bad...:smh:
 
I stopped reading when you said you weren't ready to be a father but had sex with her unprotected. Fuck out of here and then a chick in school. Niggas
 
Get a Mexican maid...

can probably be had for about 40 a week

seems like y'alls only issue is you are anal retentive
 
dna test

resolve that you will have to keep the house clean

work with her to give her other chores to do sent she's not a clean freak. i.e. food shopping, garbage
 
Re: Baby mama issues

creepin said:
Relationships are hard. They are like a roller coaster. While it is nice that you have found her "issues", but have you found the things in her that mirror you. She will never be perfect but neither will you. You were together for a reason even if it is to find out what you don't like. If you can't work it out together get counselling because you and her need to be on the same page for your son.
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THIS....

*two cents*
 
confirm the kid is yours even if its one of those take home DNA tests...

you angry with her so your "messy/lazy bitch" analysis may be a little extreme...

she angry with you so she probably leaving a mess too screw with you...

and if you think for even one minute both of your passive aggressive bullshit isn't effected that young man you stupid enough to have unprotected sex twice with some chick u met in school...

communicate, get counseling, go to legal either at your school or free legal aide to learn your real options...

try to mirror her positives and find common ground for now...

for your child

dont actually LEAVE yet but make sure to privately detail your exit strategy JUST IN CASE...

try to work with her if she is working and going to school and raising your son cut her some slack...

for your child

show her some affection and respect...

for your child.

and love your son.PERIOD
 
nigga.....

i am terrified of your situation

scares me more than death

shit is like being a human dart board

once a weak bitch gets you like that she feels powerful and shit gets ugly

grin and bare it until you can find a way to kill her

if you go on a road trip let her go to sleep then reach over while she is sleep
and undo her seat belt....make sure your son isn't in the car.

try to run into something on her side..and make sure the airbags is off

the court doesn't give a fuck about you and she has a free pass to make
your life a living hell while half stepping on parenting.

or you can get joint custody and never have to speak to her ass again.
 
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You done fucked up big time and paying the price, things will only get worse from here on out. It's going to be a long tough road the years ahead.
 
J.C. baby

joint custody joint custody joint custody

behind her back while smiling in her face while she does her little IM the boss routine.

sounds like you have the type of bitch who wanted a kid just to say she has a kid
now when her friends are sitting around bitching she can participate.

a lost follower bitch trait

a woman can't really lose having a child if she had no plan

if she had a plan its a minor setback.... if she had no plan its a come up.
 
ballscout1 said:
did you get a DNA test to establish paternity ?
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this ^^ is step #1. :yes:

but realize that when you ask to do it, she's gonna get mad, mad, super-mad.

moblack said:
I stopped reading when you said you weren't ready to be a father but had sex with her unprotected. Fuck out of here and then a chick in school. Niggas
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amazing how that works, huh?

dude KNEW he wasn't ready to be a dad but ran-up in the pussy nekkid head anyway. and it's amazing how you never realized how 'dirty' she was until you MADE a future (baby) with her.

but don't worry, the bgol pimps and 'game-spitters' will show you the way. fuck doing anything for her... fuck doing anything for the kid... just continue to stop-by and dump seed in her with no obligations, financial or otherwise. :hmm:
 
Bunch of judgemental people in this thread. If you can't handle it get a dna test and leave.. No point being stressed. Take care of your kid no matter what though.
 
Rick Ronson said:
J.C. baby

joint custody joint custody joint custody

behind her back while smiling in her face while she does her little IM the boss routine.

sounds like you have the type of bitch who wanted a kid just to say she has a kid
now when her friends are sitting around bitching she can participate.

a lost follower bitch trait

a woman can't really lose having a child if she had no plan

if she had a plan its a minor setback.... if she had no plan its a come up.
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That was kinda deep.
 
ballscout1 said:
did you get a DNA test to establish paternity AND did you sign papers at hospital?
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Fixed.

If you signed papers, it's your kid as far as courts are concerned so I wouldn't even bother with paternity test.

Think it through, feel her out in regards to whether she would be receptive to joint custody but understand she knows she holds cards in that situation unless you got some serious shit/dirt on her.
 
For everyone hollering "joint custody", even in a 50/50 split custody situation, 1 parent will be seen as the custodial parent and have the decision making power in major decisions. The most you will get is 2 maybe 3 of the 4 areas (education,extracurricular activites,non-emergency health decisions, and religious upbringing). Before you move out or file any papers, search for a "parenting plan" (here's the 1st one I found, but look at several to see what they cover) online and study it to see what it covers. Since you've lived with your son since his birth, you have a good chance (depending on the state you live) to get a 50/50 physical custody arrangement. Go for "education & extracurricular" in the split of decision making, as schooling will determine where she can move, as if you choose a school, it is on her to make sure your son gets back & forth to school. And extracurriculars will ensure that YOU can sign him up for activities that both of you can participate in, such as football or whatever.

Artist Monk said:
Fixed.

If you signed papers, it's your kid as far as courts are concerned so I wouldn't even bother with paternity test.
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Depends on where yo live. Here in GA, you aren't the father until either she files for support and the court grants it or the father files for legitimation.
 
Appreciate all the input fellas.

I know I made a dumb ass decision to go in her raw. But I also got her the morning after pill (don't know if she took it). That doesn't absolve me in any way shape or form, it was my insistence to move together, try and build a relationship...

The only thing I shared is my frustration with her being lazy, I'm sure there are some things she doesn't like about me either. But for me it goes beyond that, I can work with someone who I can be compatible with in other ways.

I'm also a very loyal person. The first time we got in to it bad, because she had the nerve to talk bad about my other family coming to visit me often (I'm very family oriented) to my step mom who's been married to my dad for 20 years, she would go out during the day and fuck her ex boyfriend, come home and get in the same bed with me and my son. Sometimes trying to do something sexual to me. I find this out, she lies up and down about it of course and I decide we need to move out.

I later find out that her mother made her have an abortion at age 14, and that she was the loose girl in the neighborhood when she was in high school. All this shit comes way after the fact... Strike 2!

Yeah people change but I've never been comfortable with her because of the way we got down from the jump. Should have been a one and done which turned in to one and a son. For everyone saying go to counseling and try and work it out, I can accept her for who she is, I do love her AS THE MOTHER OF MY SON and respect her as such. So I don't think counseling is what is needed. I just don't think I can ultimately be with a chick like her.
 

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