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melonpecan said:
http://www.bgol.us/board/showthread.php?p=11536183&posted=1#post11536183


I'll ask here too. Did anyone read the book Naive I posted a while back? If you did please give some feed back. I'm trying to compile something together and I need as much unbiased, TRULY honest feedback that I can get. The author isn't me so please feel free to say it sucks if it sucks or you like it if you do.
Click to expand...

Okay, I will give my opinion of what I read (the preview on Amazon), and just to preface my statements, I am not a fan of "Urban Fiction"...

The Acknowledgements and Dedication is way too long. Not to knock the author and her appreciation to those who helped her, but generally either only names are mentioned, or a small bit about someone who was particularly helpful.

The character name Naive Knowles is totally wrong. I can perhaps get the tie-in between the first name and the title of the story, but using the last name Knowles (which is not too common) just shows lack of originality.

The author is writing a first-person narrative from a third-person perspective and it does not work. There seems to be no description of what the character sees around her. There is no introspection on the part of the protagonist, which is mainly what first person narrative is about. We do not see what the character is seeing, the character has to explain what she is seeing and more importantly, how it is affecting her. We do not know how the protagonist or any of the other people described, look, sound, act, walk, or anything.

The chapter ("The Past") reads like a runaway freight train. The character whips through the past so quickly it is a blur, and the reader gains no insight on who the character is and how the past affected her. The spacing of the paragraphs disturbs my eyes as well, but it may be just the way it is laid out on my screen. It reads like a giant run-on sentence.

Okay, I have to run now, but frankly, I did not like what I read, there was nothing in the story to grab my interest (even if I do not like Urban Fiction), if the character or premise was something to grab me, I would have been able to read through it at least.

Anything else, let me know. The best advice I could give to your friend would be to keep writing, focus on scene description and character development and the story will always be there. A very good (and professional) editor can be your best friend and salvation. But props for achieving what many of us have not done yet...
 
Noir said:
Okay, I will give my opinion of what I read (the preview on Amazon), and just to preface my statements, I am not a fan of "Urban Fiction"...

The Acknowledgements and Dedication is way too long. Not to knock the author and her appreciation to those who helped her, but generally either only names are mentioned, or a small bit about someone who was particularly helpful.

The character name Naive Knowles is totally wrong. I can perhaps get the tie-in between the first name and the title of the story, but using the last name Knowles (which is not too common) just shows lack of originality.

The author is writing a first-person narrative from a third-person perspective and it does not work. There seems to be no description of what the character sees around her. There is no introspection on the part of the protagonist, which is mainly what first person narrative is about. We do not see what the character is seeing, the character has to explain what she is seeing and more importantly, how it is affecting her. We do not know how the protagonist or any of the other people described, look, sound, act, walk, or anything.

The chapter ("The Past") reads like a runaway freight train. The character whips through the past so quickly it is a blur, and the reader gains no insight on who the character is and how the past affected her. The spacing of the paragraphs disturbs my eyes as well, but it may be just the way it is laid out on my screen. It reads like a giant run-on sentence.

Okay, I have to run now, but frankly, I did not like what I read, there was nothing in the story to grab my interest (even if I do not like Urban Fiction), if the character or premise was something to grab me, I would have been able to read through it at least.

Anything else, let me know. The best advice I could give to your friend would be to keep writing, focus on scene description and character development and the story will always be there. A very good (and professional) editor can be your best friend and salvation. But props for achieving what many of us have not done yet...
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Thank you!

I agree with a lot that you have said...and even Cleo shared some of the same thoughts in the other thread.

I am proud of her for putting out her work but she needs improvement. Not sure if I can guide her in that direction but we'll see. Some things I'd like to address though...


No that is not your screen, that is how it is laid out.

Originality was never the problem because at least 50% of this is true. Or in some part. So I think that had a lot to do with it.

Yes parts do read like a run-on sentence. Often.

Description is something I asked her to work on. She can go into great detail about an outfit for the club but not on the mannerisms, language, thought patterns, past behaviors of her mother which is suppose to be the reason for her current state. Going back to originality, the author is actually suppose to be Naive so she really is calling herself that. If you are able to make it through the entire thing that one trait is the only constant in the book. Chick does not know where to turn and when she does, it's to the wrong people.


Thank you for your feedback though! I'm going to try to put this together for her - some unbiased, honest feedback. There's a reason for this but I'll have to share that later. :)
 
melonpecan said:
Thank you!

I agree with a lot that you have said...and even Cleo shared some of the same thoughts in the other thread.

I am proud of her for putting out her work but she needs improvement. Not sure if I can guide her in that direction but we'll see. Some things I'd like to address though...


No that is not your screen, that is how it is laid out.

Originality was never the problem because at least 50% of this is true. Or in some part. So I think that had a lot to do with it.

Yes parts do read like a run-on sentence. Often.

Description is something I asked her to work on. She can go into great detail about an outfit for the club but not on the mannerisms, language, thought patterns, past behaviors of her mother which is suppose to be the reason for her current state. Going back to originality, the author is actually suppose to be Naive so she really is calling herself that. If you are able to make it through the entire thing that one trait is the only constant in the book. Chick does not know where to turn and when she does, it's to the wrong people.


Thank you for your feedback though! I'm going to try to put this together for her - some unbiased, honest feedback. There's a reason for this but I'll have to share that later. :)
Click to expand...

You're welcome... I hope the feedback helps and that it is not too negative as to deter her from writing. If what she is writing is a refection of what happened to her, that illustrates a problem in her description. We tend to take for granted what we see about us (try to describe what you ate for breakfast and wore to work in a literary way and see how much we miss). Also, the deeper description she gets into the closer she taps into her own emotions over what happened to her - and she may subconsciously be blocking from revealing herself.

Even though everything we may want to write is "in our heads", one has to tackle creative writing in the same way as those research papers we hated to write in school - write out a template/outline and description of each part and then focus on a part, even if out of order.

It may also help if she focuses on a particular scene or event and weave it into a short story before expanding into a full novel.

Good Luck!
 
Noir said:
You're welcome... I hope the feedback helps and that it is not too negative as to deter her from writing. If what she is writing is a refection of what happened to her, that illustrates a problem in her description. We tend to take for granted what we see about us (try to describe what you ate for breakfast and wore to work in a literary way and see how much we miss). Also, the deeper description she gets into the closer she taps into her own emotions over what happened to her - and she may subconsciously be blocking from revealing herself.

Even though everything we may want to write is "in our heads", one has to tackle creative writing in the same way as those research papers we hated to write in school - write out a template/outline and description of each part and then focus on a part, even if out of order.

It may also help if she focuses on a particular scene or event and weave it into a short story before expanding into a full novel.

Good Luck!
Click to expand...

Thanks.

About the part I bolded...you have no idea how much contention this is in reality. And it definitely carries over.

She's a writer by passion so I know that passion will only get your so far. I'm not sure why she isn't a communications major or something (she chose early childhood education) so I know she missing some of those 'basic' teachings. I don't consider myself a write in any way (though I think technical would be more my style) but the education in it goes far. I don't want to discourage her either but hopefully the culmination of everything will get her to open her eyes and explore some more stuff.
 

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